Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

[Overthebow]

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

Sorry OP, bu find other ways to nurture your relationship.
Wih no family help and not much money OH and I never went on "date nights"
Cultivate some time at home together.
Your child is still young so presumably goes to bed early.
Plan a special night in once a week for you and your OH.
Minimal cooking or a takeaway, glass of wine, candles and time set aside to chat.

When my children were little people I was lucky enough to have friends with children of the same age inc babies and we did babysit for each other …what has changed amongst parents these days?

Family yes, friends no. You'll need to find babysitters - find out if there are any local au pairs, they're usually delighted to get babysitting.

We don't have our parents on the scene to babysit. We do have siblings near by but they have their own young dc's so only really ask them for specific things such as appointments, a wedding reception, if one has been invited to a friends birthday night out while the other is working etc. We babysit for them under the same circumstances. We would never ask them to babysit for a date night and would be a bit if they asked us to. We've always done a takeaway and a bottle of wine after the dc's are asleep as our date nights.

One of my best friends did babysit for us a couple of times before our 2nd was born. But she had no dc's of her own, adored dd and had also worked as a nanny before so she was happy to. She now has a baby and I'd never dream of asking her, unless an absolute emergency with no other options.

We offer to have friends' kids over for play dates and have offered to take kids for the day or evening etc. But the kids are friends too as well as the parents so it is mutually beneficial. Since your child was a 2020 baby they are still too young for friendships. Around age 3-4 you will fall into play dates where you'll start being able to leave them for a few hours and get time just you and your partner again. It's common among my group for people to ask on our WhatsApp groups etc if anyone can pick up their kid or have them for a couple of hours, but the kids are all 3+.

I would definitely offer. But I have no boundaries and am always offering to do things that other people wouldn't

I think there's a few things that may be the issue.

Firstly: Are you asking directly? Not in a "we'd love to go out for a date night but no one will babysit, hint, hint," way? "We have a evening out on 9th October at 7pm, should be home by 11pm, baby will be in bed when you arrive. Can anyone babysit?"

I would ignore obvious hints, and not offer for vague "some point can you " but ask me a direct date and I'd check my diary and say "yes" or "no".

Secondly: You don't know if they're struggling. They may be struggling far more than you think and unable to give the head space to an evening out currently. You may share that-doesn't mean they do.

Thirdly: Are you expecting too much, or have a history of expecting too much?
3 people I know who have struggled to get any babysitters when mine were small I could have told them why people were not keen.
a) The long lists and expectation. First one, I nearly baby sat one time. I pulled out after their lists of demands grew ridiculous and included insisting (it was a daytime one) that I didn't pick my own (infant age) children up at school because it was their pfd's nap time. I don't think I had to read Shakespeare to their fish, but some of the demands were that sort of ilk.

b) Taking the micky. "Could you pick him up from school and just hold on to him for an hour so I can lock up at work" changed into the babysitter having a call at about 10:30pm clearly from a pub saying "I just went for a short drink with my work mates, we're going to a nightclub now-should be home by 4am, can you take him home and put him to bed and wait."
Unsurprisingly by the third time that had happened, most people had heard about it and the answer was "no".

c) You've done it once, now you're cornered for ever: This person would ask someone for a "desperately needed night out". They'd not been out for weeks, when would suit "babysitter" and they'd work it round them.
Then bam! They'd assume it was a regular arrangement-every Monday at 8pm, and would play the victim and huge misery if the person dared say they couldn't do every week.
Again, very quickly people were warned not to get involved.

If you're happy that none of those three apply to you, then try asking directly. "We're going out then. Can you baby sit?"
The best babysitters are those who feel that they can say no if they can't, but will if they can. I had an arrangement with a friend that if we didn't want/couldn't do it, then we said directly. That way we knew that there was no resentment about doing it.
I also found sometimes asking in a group more comfortable. That way no one feels putting on the spot.

But also when they're small, often the best people to ask were not other sleep deprived parents, but teens (for money) or grandparent age (who often loved doing it).

You won't get what you don't ask for.

I'd personally never offer. I do babysit whenever my friends ask though and they do same for me. But no one would randomly offer to babysit out of the blue.
We all have busy lives 🤣

I am in the same situation with no family to babysit. My DS is Autistic so not able to leave him with a stranger. On the odd occasion I have just asked a friend and they've helped me out and I've returned the favour. Noone has offered but I think that is because we are close enough that I will ask if I need help and vice versa.

I'm in the same boat (dc older now). Friends did offer but I'd turn them down and paid for a babysitter. It's too much to ask when people are so busy that the do your childcare as well as their own. My friends who offered were those with parents in the area who helped then so they didn't want reciprocal babysitting which was nice but I'd not want to take advantage.

It does cost a lot so date night was a rare treat. Get a babysitter once in a blue moon.

Ask at nursery because some of the girls would do it for extra cash.

When my kids were little, and before I had them, I would babysit for anyone. I'd even do the washing up!

But I didn't expect it from anyone - as it is people offered. But low expectations are the way to go! To start with, maybe ask someone to babysit and offer to reciprocate the same week. Would you be able to ... because I'd be happy to repay the favour any other night that week.

If that doesn't work, using nursery time would definitely be sensible!

The logistics just don’t really work though and it’s an unappealing prospect hence why no-one has offered You still have a baby essentially at 15m and your child is still very young. I have small children so get it but for me to babysit you’d have to bring your child to me. I’d then have 3 small people to get to sleep including your baby who would be missing you and in a strange environment so would inevitably be a pain to get down.

The other way would be for me to go to yours which would be better for the baby but unworkable during a working week and frankly I’d rather spend time with my own children and then have a glass of wine with my husband during the weekend than spend an evening at your house with a 15m old.

I would definitely offer. But I have no boundaries and am always offering to do things that other people wouldn't

This made me smile in a number of ways @notanotherjacketpotato

We never had anyone offer to babysit - the in laws had the kids while we were in work a day a week & made it clear that was enough.

We had no money for a babysitter.

Could you go to visit family & go out local to them?

I think it's just part of the journey tbh - now we just get pissed with mates while the kids are there & so it does get easier. Mine are now 11&13 tho so it doesn't happen straight away.

Other option is date night at home. Make an effort to get nice food in & some nice booze.

But you absolutely must take advantage of nursery and take time off together during the day.

We didn't have much family help when our dc were tiny. We took half days for lunch/cinema trip whilst they were in nursery.

This is really interesting to me - I don't have kids, I do like kids and I would be happy to babysit my friends' kids in the evenings but no one ever asks me. I assumed that if they would trust me (with limited childcare experience) with their kids, they would ask me; I know they ask their other mum-friends. I was reading it as not being trusted to look after kids competently, rather than them waiting for me to offer. I'll go and offer!

We have no family help either. We have paid for sitters in past but really very rarely. To expect it from friends - even family - sounds precious.

When I was a kid my mum was in a babysitting circle where a group of mums took it in turns to babysit for each other. You could enquire into whether there’s anything like that in your area. If not, set one up!

@ElizabethinherGermanGarden

This is really interesting to me - I don't have kids, I do like kids and I would be happy to babysit my friends' kids in the evenings but no one ever asks me. I assumed that if they would trust me (with limited childcare experience) with their kids, they would ask me; I know they ask their other mum-friends. I was reading it as not being trusted to look after kids competently, rather than them waiting for me to offer. I'll go and offer!

Offer - they will chew your arm off!!! They don't care about your lack of experience, they have just never dared to ask you!

It's funny because people used to ask me all the time when I was a fourteen year old calamity zone!

As a new parent with very little childcare experience pre-DC, I wouldn't have offered to babysit for you because, although I'd just about worked out how my child worked, I didn't have a clue how anyone else's baby worked and I'd have been afraid I would break your baby. Mine was a horror as a little toddler but they were my horror and I sort of knew how they operated...I was always amazed at the mischief other little ones would get up to in my house (even with their parents there) as they were into totally different things. I found one little one trying to climb into the downstairs toilet once which was not something mine ever tried to do. Another one was into licking shoes .

If we knew we had a big event coming up, if flights were cheap then we would often book for my mum to come to and visit as it would be cheaper then a babysitter for a day. Other then, we were normally limited to when family came to stay and offered to let us go out. I had a work colleague and a good friend who would help me out of I asked but I only did this once or twice as I did feel very guilt. We have moved to be near family and omg, it is amazing having my mum and my brothers around to help.

I think it would be rude to ask someone to come to your house for the evening and babysit just so you can have a cheaper date night. I’d be willing to deal with a screaming baby/ dirty nappies etc in an emergency but I certainly wouldn’t offer for a date. An older child who would recognise me/ be able to communicate and use the toilet independently then yes possibly. Generally I think it’s better to just pay someone to provide the service though

I'm really quite saddened by this thread. Women supporting each other is a big thing on MN usually. But in this case it's "well it was your choice to have them" (from the people who are lucky enough to have family who don't take that attitude to them)