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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

287 replies

Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:07

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

OP posts:
Volhhg · 07/09/2021 21:57

I think it's a bit sad really that no one offered after you explained. I think these friends are not as close friends as you thought but it's not to say they are bad friends. You can see on this thread that lots of people don't have these kinds of friendships. Personally I think it's a bit of Sad world that we live in that babysitting a friend's child as a one off is such a chore. You need to find friends more on the same wavelength

Facilitatingdarkness · 07/09/2021 21:58

But seriously "I'm too tired to look after other people's children" is a bit of a daft and selfish excuse, when they're going to be asleep anyway.

How do you know that they will sleep? Why is it a selfish excuse if someone leads a hectic and stressful life and is therefore tired in the evening?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2021 21:58

@northstars

Wow, you have a 15 month old and your friends have kids around the same age?? Caring for two kids of that age is not something I’d want to do, and not something I’d want to inflict on a friend. Glad you will try and make time while your DC is at nursery. That sounds like the best option.
Hahahah welcome to my life #twinlife
user1471538283 · 07/09/2021 21:59

I've always offered to babysit. Especially my Godson because I wanted time with him. I also always said yes if I was asked.

My friends would also babysit my DS. We have to have each others backs.

wingardium8 · 07/09/2021 22:00

So you can’t afford a babysitter but haven’t been on a date night in 18 months? Surely all the date nights forgone will have saved you sufficient that you can afford the odd night out now?

You just have to get used to the fact that a night out together costs more now, and do it less often.

saraclara · 07/09/2021 22:00

@BazWazzycantdance

I personally think it’s too much responsibility to look after a friends small baby on top of having your own to look after… I’m sorry your struggling but I do think a babysitter is your answer. Can you cut down on anything else to enable a babysitter every couple of weeks?
This makes no sense to me. And others have said similar things. You don't look after both at once. You leave your own at home to be looked after by its father (should the DC be awake) then go and sit and watch your friend's telly and drink their coffee, while their baby/child sleeps.
Noodledoodledoo · 07/09/2021 22:00

Sadly those with help on tap don't seem to see the need to offer. Mine are quite a bit older, 7 and 5, and sadly think we are in less than 20 nights out alone since eldest was born.

We have no family help, very few friends who have offered to help.

We have had to budget and pay nursery staff to babysit, teenagers I know, have dates nights at home.

It sucks, so I do appreciate your situation but you either need to ask, or figure out an alternative idea - lunch dates whilst little one is in nursery etc.

FionasFanjoFondu · 07/09/2021 22:01

OP, if there are two or three friends you are especially close to, then why don't you ask them if they'd be interested in a babysitting club. Basically, everyone commits to babysitting one child per month, and so if you wanted to go out you'd text and say 'Can anyone do Sat 28th?' and someone (hopefully) picks up that date. You reciprocate with a date you can do. it doesn't have to be a straight swap - anyone of you can sit anyone of the families.

You could position it as "I know that we all have to pay for babysitters sometimes, but is anyone interested in one night a month out without having to shell out?"

I did this when my DC were little with a few friends and it worked really well.

nokidshere · 07/09/2021 22:02

Absolutely I would, and have. My friends have also babysat for me, one of them for a weekend! There will be some people in the same position as you OP maybe they will do a swap with you. You won't know until you ask.

When my children were small I was quite happy to babysit for people, the children were generally in bed, tv to myself and snacks. Even if they weren't swapping with me I'd still do it for nothing.

saraclara · 07/09/2021 22:02

@Facilitatingdarkness

But seriously "I'm too tired to look after other people's children" is a bit of a daft and selfish excuse, when they're going to be asleep anyway.

How do you know that they will sleep? Why is it a selfish excuse if someone leads a hectic and stressful life and is therefore tired in the evening?

Because you're not looking after them. They're asleep. It's probably less tiring sitting in someone else's house because you don't have to feel you should be 'doing something'.
10ColaBottles · 07/09/2021 22:03

I'd ask if any of the staff at nursery baby sit.

I was in the same position as you and did this. Worked well as I was confident they couldn't handle any issues should they arise.

NatashaRf · 07/09/2021 22:04

Ive never babysat a friends baby.

My own are enough! Nor would I offer. Nor would I ask.

Took until my eldest was 8 for my own mother to have them overnight/in the evening.

We decided to have kids. So we're happy to put a hold on nights out.

They're in bed before 8pm anyway so it's not like we don't get time together. We have plenty. If a friend of mine was saying they had couple issues I'd think they needed to talk. Not go out. Can talk at home.

When we are spending money on things we're having family trips/days out/meals.

Facilitatingdarkness · 07/09/2021 22:06

Because you're not looking after them. They're asleep. It's probably less tiring sitting in someone else's house because you don't have to feel you should be 'doing something'.

Even if they are asleep, if they are in your care, you are looking after them. In no way is it selfish to refuse on the grounds of tiredness.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2021 22:07

I offered and did it for friends before I had DC. I haven’t offered overnight babysitting since but would have friends DC’s during the day. We haven’t had an evening away from her in 2.5 years since we had her and we’d have family help if we wanted it. Date nights/quality time don’t have to be away from babies, or at night.

PawsNotClaws · 07/09/2021 22:08

When a good friend became a single parent I made a general offer of babysitting for if/when she needed a break. If she had the chance of a night out she would ask if I was available, and the answer was usually yes.

If she hadn't asked on each of those occasions, it wouldn't have occurred to me to say to her, "Why don't you go out next weekend and I'll babysit?" Ask your friends directly.

Subbaxeo · 07/09/2021 22:09

We did a babysitting circle when my children were young we made tokens and exchanged them for babysitting. It worked very well-but it was in London where most people we knew had moved away from family to further their careers in the smoke.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 07/09/2021 22:11

We can’t really afford a babysitter, round here the going rate is £10 per hour do £20 or £30 on top of food or drinks is out of our budget.

Go out half as often.

SisforSarah · 07/09/2021 22:11

YABU. We had no family around and it simply wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask a friend….because they all had young children or other commitments. You can find babysitters on local fb pages of online. If you can’t afford one join a babysitting circle - so you get free babysitting, but you also have to provide it. I have babysat for friends previously (for free), but only really good friends and I was single and childless then.

HTKS · 07/09/2021 22:12

Yes, I would/do offer. I’m sorry your friends haven’t thought to. I would ask outright, can it hurt?

Dorisdaydream2 · 07/09/2021 22:12

We also used to take the occasional day off together when the dc were in nursery. It was lovely to have some time alone together. We had no family help.

Sillawithans · 07/09/2021 22:14

@SleepingStandingUp I had 3 under 2, I still sat for friends. My husband was more than capable of putting our own children to bed. My children were always great at bedtime and typically if you babysit, the kids are in bed before you get there.

Ok, if my friend was struggling and had no family support I'd be happy to help. I really feel for you. It doesn't have to be all night, it could be a couple of hours, a meal and a drink, a walk, a movie, anything. Could even be during the day, hope you get some offers soon.

epponneee · 07/09/2021 22:15

in theory I would be happy to babysit for a friend. But my own kids are quite full on and don't sleep through the night (and one breastfeeds overnight) so I wouldn't be able to go to someone else's house to look after their child unless it was an emergency. I also avoid inflicting mine on anyone else in the evening/night for that same reason.
The daytime is another matter though - I'd be very happy to have an extra one round a few hours in the afternoon for example. And if I knew a friend was struggling I would probably offer that (assuming that I thought their child would be comfortable with me). Maybe you could ask a close friend if they'd be able to do that?
Of course if all the kids in your circle are good sleepers - who stay asleep overnight/are happy with other people looking after them at night, then i don't think it would be a big imposition to ask if someone could babysit once in a while or as a one off.
Good luck - I hope you manage to get some support to help. The previous suggestion of taking a half day off when child is at nursery is a good one :)

Kite22 · 07/09/2021 22:19

The thing is, if all the friends have family who are happy to babysit, there is no motivation for them to form a babysitting club. They have nothing to gain.
I think finding a more affordable babysitter is your answer. We had very little money when ours were young, but it was something we prioritised, even if it was occasionally. There are lots of people who will babysit for less than the amounts you have mentioned.

If you needed to go somewhere - perhaps a hospital appointment or a funeral or something - then you need to ask someone directly. You can't expect people to read your mind.

CharlieD2020 · 07/09/2021 22:19

OP I've not read the whole thread but just wanted to say I"m sorry to hear you're not in a great place atm. Having a little one can he so hard, exhausting and lonely, I can totally see why a date night would give you a much needed boost Flowers

For what it's worth, YANBU. I'd offer to babysit in your friend's position

MrsJBaptiste · 07/09/2021 22:19

These replies are really surprising me. After our children were about one, I'd regularly babysit the childfen of my NCT friends as would they for me. That meant we all had regular nights out when our families couldn't help. I find it so strange that so manynof you wouldn't even think to offer to babysit your friends children. After one, they're generally in bed and don't wake up so it's a nice easy night watching tv in someone else's house 👍

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