Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

287 replies

Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:07

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 07/09/2021 21:27

I never really left mine as babies except with immediate family and tbh even that was like once a year for my birthday when my mum would babysit.

You can still enjoy some time together with your DH - Can you get a nice takeaway or a cook meal or something and eat a proper meal together after baby is in bed? Or go out for lunch and have baby napping the pushchair?

TwoLeftElbows · 07/09/2021 21:28

I just think it tend to work the other way round. I have babysat for friends loads but it always starts with the person wanting to go out asking if I'm free on x date to babysit. Just ask people. If you ask for a specific date it's easy for them to say sorry, no they're busy.

3luckystars · 07/09/2021 21:28

I would not babysit for anyone, especially not for a date night! No way.

Pay someone to do it and go out with your friends.

GroggyLegs · 07/09/2021 21:28

I've offered to babysit for a couple of good friends with little support locally. Both times after they have complained they never have a night out etc etc.

I know their children quite well, the kids seem to like me and they know my own children too. I don't need it reciprocating as we have family help, but neither have taken me up on it!

I've concluded they either don't like me, or don't like their husbands.

Comedycook · 07/09/2021 21:29

This reminds me of another woman I met at a baby group...there was a group of us with babies the same age who would hang out. She once sent a group message asking if any of us would babysit so her and her DH could go out for the evening. Let's just say the silence was deafening.

Original poster
Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:29

@HelplessProcrastinator

Is your baby in childcare? We would occasionally book a week day off and have lunch out while DC were at nursery so we could have uninterrupted adult time.
This is a good idea
OP posts:
Simonjt · 07/09/2021 21:29

I only babysit for my friend in an emergency, I’d never looked after a young baby before, it was a nightmare. I don’t expect anyone to babysit for me, a friend sometimes offers as does Grandma, but I have only asked in emergencies here and there, it isn’t something I would ever expect.

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2021 21:29

When our children were in nursery and we didn't have the school holidays to contend with we used to periodically book a day off in the week and go for a long lunch in the day.

PeonyTime · 07/09/2021 21:29

No. People with family around dont always understand the issues.
They are unlikely to offer as they dont need the reciprocal arrangement.
Find a friend without local family who might be more interested.

Or make date nights at home - take away, movie, something else that takes your fancy.

NerrSnerr · 07/09/2021 21:29

Cross post!

Winterjoy · 07/09/2021 21:29

I think you need to ask- I'd be happy to babysit for a friend if they asked for a specific occasion (e.g. date night) but would never just randomly tell them to go out while I babysit! I actually think I would feel a bit rude doing that - I'd would take the view that if you weren't making arrangements to go out, you either didn't want to or couldn't afford to.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2021 21:30

@Overthebow

Have you asked directly and offered to reciprocate in return? How old is baby? What time do they go to bed?

Are they in nursery?

No I’ve not asked directly and don’t think I could now after responses on here. I have offered to babysit for them though.

My DC is in nursery.

So you both need to book a day or half day off when theyre in nursery to spend together
MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/09/2021 21:31

It’s something I would offer but I am childless so have a lot of free time within which I can do friends a favour. I can see why friends who are parents themselves might not want to give up their precious free time to babysit for you, the fact it is reciprocated isn’t really worth it for them when they have family who will babysit for them anyway.

drpet49 · 07/09/2021 21:32

I have often babysat for friends kids whilst they have enjoyed an evening out.

housewifeathome · 07/09/2021 21:34

YABU.
Date nights aren't the be all and end all. I do understand how hard it is, I was a single mother to two under 2 not so many years ago, with no family nearby. Yes it is tough, but in the nicest possible way, your baby isn't your friends responsibility. And a baby is a BIG responsibility.

You don't have to go out to have a nice time together, either...!!

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 07/09/2021 21:34

It may sound harsh, but you chose to have a baby and your friends time is probably precious to them.

I agree with this. I have a small baby and it wouldn't occur to me to ask my friends to babysit. I do have family around and they would have him if needed but I'd only really do that for an appointment or something. I don't plan to go out socialising and leave the baby. He goes with me or DH has him otherwise I don't go.

Original poster
Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:35

Attitudes towards friends on Mumsnet baffle me sometimes. I do think it's unreasonable of your friends not to have offered if they know you're struggling OP. What else are friends for but to help out and enrich each other's lives?

This was my thinking. It’s just something that I’d offer without even having to think about it. If any of my friends were struggling I would do anything needed to help them and I’ve offered lots of support over the years.
Seems most people don’t agree though so i must be wrong.

OP posts:
ChampionOfTheSun · 07/09/2021 21:36

Honestly I hated it when my DD was small and people offered to look after her as it made me feel like I should be leaving her before I was ready to. I did have postnatal anxiety but I only recently was happy to leave her whilst we went out to see a film and she's 19mo, I'd only left her for an hour here and there with my best friend, or a few hours with DH before that. So I'm always mindful of the fact that someone might not want to leave their baby or want to explain why. I always would help out if asked and I was able, but I wouldn't offer out of the blue. I also found it easier to help out before I had DD, and actually probably would have offered back then but now I've got DD (amongst other things) I've got enough on my plate without volunteering myself to do even more. As I say though, I would help if asked outright so maybe try that.

Gardenwalldilema · 07/09/2021 21:36

I wouldn't offer to babysit for a friend unless I knew they were struggling, as I'm busy with my own dc.
As they get older though I've offered sleepovers etc, and they've been reciprocated.

Invisimamma · 07/09/2021 21:36

I would do it for an emergency like a hospital appointment. Probably not for a date night. Looking after other people's children stresses me out. Especially small babies and toddlers, my own children are enough work.

If your dc is in nursery you and dp should both take a day off work and have a daytime date instead.

Divebar2021 · 07/09/2021 21:38

I have babysat for a friend who had no help nearby but I don’t really recall it being reciprocated. Once he was in bed and it was fine but the other occasions it was daytime and he cried A LOT. It was a long 6 hours. When they’re a bit bigger you can have play dates and sleepovers and they entertain themselves much more.

Original poster
Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:40

My DC is 15 months now so not that young, we haven’t had an evening out together since pre-pandemic times. We will look into taking a day off together as that looks like the best way to get time together.

OP posts:
BazWazzycantdance · 07/09/2021 21:40

I personally think it’s too much responsibility to look after a friends small baby on top of having your own to look after…
I’m sorry your struggling but I do think a babysitter is your answer. Can you cut down on anything else to enable a babysitter every couple of weeks?

Ichoosechocolate · 07/09/2021 21:42

I appear to be in a minority here but personally I think some of these answers are unreasonable. So many just read as “tough luck, get on with it”. I would hate it if a very good friend felt they couldn’t ask me for some help like this. I suppose you should never expect anything from friends but I know if I asked my really close friends outright they would do their best to help and I would in reverse because I remember how bloody awful it was at times when my children were really young and you just wanted a night off.

Please don’t feel bad for feeling that this is something you could ask of a close friend

TableFlowerss · 07/09/2021 21:42

If they’ve got their own young kids then they probably have enough on their plate.

If they’ve not got kids then they’re probably unsure how they’d cope.

Before I had mine I wouldn’t have felt confident looking after a 1 year old on an evening.

I’m sorry but you shouldn’t expect it if people.

Swipe left for the next trending thread