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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

287 replies

Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:07

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 07/09/2021 21:43

With your DC in nursery, that even better.
We’re exactly in the same situation with no family nearby to help as they all live abroad, we pay for childcare and then we both have a day off, etc together when then the kids are in school or nursery and have spend some quality time together.
We’ve not had any couples night outs any way for the last 8 years since DD1 was born but none of us feel we’re missing out.
We have the odd days off together and then make an effort to spend quality time in the evenings together when the kids are in bed.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2021 21:43

Is baby not going down at a reasonable time at night? I think i'd work on getting baby asleep at a good time so you get a few hours together every night assuming you're both working regular hours. One puts baby to bed, one tidies up, you both sit down and relax together.

Cornishclio · 07/09/2021 21:45

To be honest I would think most people would balk at babysitting especially if they have their own children unless as you say they were family. When we first moved away from the South East to the West Country more than 30 years ago our children were tiny and we had no family. I belonged to the NCT though and joined the local group and we had a babysitting circle for those who had no family and it worked on hourly tokens. Obviously you could only do it if you had a partner to watch your children while you babysat someone elses but at least we got an evening out together every now and again. Can you find other people in similar situation to you and suggest starting one up? Failing that it is best to find a responsible granny figure or older teenager but you should offer to pay.

MiddleParking · 07/09/2021 21:46

I feel like with DC this age, for me and most of my friends it’s grandparents babysitting or you don’t go out. No one I know with kids that age, including me, would have a friend babysit or offer to babysit for someone else’s (actually, several of us did offer for a friend recently, but it was for her giving birth unexpectedly early to DC2, and she still didn’t take us up on it). I wouldn’t know what to do with someone else’s baby/young toddler, and mine would be mightily unimpressed by being left with someone she didn’t know that well for the evening. I think childcare swapping with friends is much more for when they’re older.

Snoken · 07/09/2021 21:47

I was in your position when mine were small too but we just paid a babysitter. Not in a million years would I have expected my friends to babysit for us. They had their own families to look after. I would also not be comfortable babysitting a friends baby, an older child maybe, button a baby.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 07/09/2021 21:47

But OP what did you think you were going to do when you had a child if you don't have family that can help and you can't afford a babysitter? Were you always expecting your friends to help.

You could ask your friends and if they say no then that's their choice. How often are you thinking you'd like them to do this?

You just sound a bit "woe is me" but you have a child and that does restrict what you can do.

DH and I haven't had a date night in months until this weekend when I suggested we watch Vigil together. We don't normally watch tv together so that was our way of doing something and we all fell asleep before the end anyway!

CheekyAFAIK · 07/09/2021 21:47

Does your baby stay asleep reliably? Ask if anyone fancies a babysitting swap. I quite like just watching TV in someone else's house, wouldn't want to do any hands-on screaming child stuff tho.

As pp said, unfortunately people often either don't feel confident with kids as they don't have them, or have them and so don't want to deal with yours.

Sillawithans · 07/09/2021 21:47

I can't believe the majority of people here wouldn't offer. If I was your friend op, I would absolutely offer, in fact I would insist on it.
Mumsnet absolutely baffles me sometimes.

Facilitatingdarkness · 07/09/2021 21:49

It would be one thing if they were childless, well rested and energetic

Whether or not people are childless(free) has nothing to do with a person's rest or energy

Clymene · 07/09/2021 21:51

But you've wanted to go out several times and haven't because no one has offered to babysit. So you could have afforded to go out but can't afford a babysitter? Not true. Save up if you really can't afford it.

Planty13 · 07/09/2021 21:51

I’ve never even thought to offer to babysit for friends but I do have the luxury of family to help maybe that’s my mindset. It’s just not something I’d put on friends. If a friend asked I’d likely say yes though

rosegoldwatcher · 07/09/2021 21:51

If your friends are childless they would, probably, feel quite frightened of taking care of a young child for an evening.
If they have children they are, probably, as equally exhausted as you.

Adopt a gran?

SoftSheen · 07/09/2021 21:52

Before I had my own babies, I wouldn't have offered to babysit someone else's baby/toddler because I wouldn't have known what I was doing. When my own children were babies/toddlers, I wouldn't have offered to babysit anyone else's because I had them to look after and was usually very tired. Now my children are past that stage (but still young), I am quite enjoying having slightly more freedom and don't really want to look after anyone else's babies/toddlers...

That said, I probably would offer if I knew a good friend was really struggling. So I think YAB a bit U but if you need help, you should ask for it.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2021 21:54

@Sillawithans

I can't believe the majority of people here wouldn't offer. If I was your friend op, I would absolutely offer, in fact I would insist on it. Mumsnet absolutely baffles me sometimes.
Everyones circumstances are different. Whilst i'm babysitting my friends baby my husband is trying to put my own three to bed alone. I dont have room to sleep another one here. I dont have capacity to take a fourth child out alongside twins of a similar age and an older child. Ok, theyre v specific circs but the ppoint is you dont know whats going on for other people
Ironmanrocks · 07/09/2021 21:54

I have offered for several friends and some different friends have done it for me though usually when I need to work, not for a date night. I would always offer to help out a friend!

WimpoleHat · 07/09/2021 21:54

In general friends just do not babysit each other's small babies. Childcare swaps of school aged children who are friends, yes.

Agree with this. An emergency is different, but for a date night? No.

weresouth · 07/09/2021 21:55

Have you asked?

grapewine · 07/09/2021 21:55

@Facilitatingdarkness

It would be one thing if they were childless, well rested and energetic

Whether or not people are childless(free) has nothing to do with a person's rest or energy

This!

Even if I wanted to, I don't have the energy to look after children.

icepackplease · 07/09/2021 21:55

I wouldn't offer because I'd only ever want it to be a one off but where people have no alternative they would definitely ask again and that would be awkward.

I have looked after neighbours kids where there's been an emergency though.

northstars · 07/09/2021 21:55

Wow, you have a 15 month old and your friends have kids around the same age?? Caring for two kids of that age is not something I’d want to do, and not something I’d want to inflict on a friend. Glad you will try and make time while your DC is at nursery. That sounds like the best option.

Ironmanrocks · 07/09/2021 21:55

I have even taken my child along who then slept on the sofa till said friends returned. Its only ever for a few hours, one night in a blue moon.

saraclara · 07/09/2021 21:55

I'm really surprised at these answers. When my kids were tiny (late 80s), reciprocal babysitting was the norm.

I was perfectly happy to sit and watch someone else's telly for an evening so that when we wanted to go out I had people to ask to sit mine. I don't remember ever having to deal with an awake baby or child.

To be fair I lived in a relatively new area where people tended not to have family nearby who could sit for them, so there was no shortage of members of the babysitting circle. But seriously "I'm too tired to look after other people's children" is a bit of a daft and selfish excuse, when they're going to be asleep anyway.

SunbathingDragon · 07/09/2021 21:56

If I felt it was really needed, I would offer but a date night wouldn’t be something I’d consider really needed (but something like going into labour would be). However, if asked I would agree but I wouldn’t be very agreeable if I was being asked too often. After all, I’d be having to call in favours for my own children to be looked after (unless DH is home) to do so.

It’s what babysitters are for. I’d be much happier paying for a friend to have a babysitter than I would actually doing the babysitting.

Ironmanrocks · 07/09/2021 21:56

sorry I have just realised - the children were all much older than yours...

Vaselike · 07/09/2021 21:57

I babysat for friends before I had children. Had a couple of offers after I had them, but mostly swapped with people in similar positions. I don’t think yabu but friends with reliable family just have no idea/don’t get it.

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