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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

287 replies

Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:07

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

OP posts:
catfunk · 07/09/2021 22:20

YABU. Sorry.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 07/09/2021 22:20

I’d do it in an emergency but not so they could have a night out. When I have done it it wasn’t an enjoyable experience. I don’t think babies like me.
I have three DC (aged 14-25) and the two younger ones stayed with DS for a couple of nights last week. It was a ninety mile trip each way to drop off and pick up and that was only because she invited them.
I can count on one hand the amount of child free nights we’ve had in the last 25 years. They have always just fitted into whatever we are doing and come with us or we didn’t go.
I know it was down to me but I didn’t feel comfortable leaving them with an unrelated babysitter.

Jangle33 · 07/09/2021 22:22

Gosh no, very occasionally look after each other’s kids but I just pay for a babysitter. I chose to have kids!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/09/2021 22:23

@Cornishclio

To be honest I would think most people would balk at babysitting especially if they have their own children unless as you say they were family. When we first moved away from the South East to the West Country more than 30 years ago our children were tiny and we had no family. I belonged to the NCT though and joined the local group and we had a babysitting circle for those who had no family and it worked on hourly tokens. Obviously you could only do it if you had a partner to watch your children while you babysat someone elses but at least we got an evening out together every now and again. Can you find other people in similar situation to you and suggest starting one up? Failing that it is best to find a responsible granny figure or older teenager but you should offer to pay.
This.

Several pals.and also my brother did this sucessufly... So all parents got to have some adult time outside their homes.,

Bananarama21 · 07/09/2021 22:24

You made a decision to have a baby its not up to your friends to babysit for you especially when you got kids of their own, you either pay or make arrangements for date nights when baby's in bed and have a meal together.

Peoniesandpeaches · 07/09/2021 22:24

I always offer to babysit for my friends without family help - to me it’s just what you do for someone you care about. Please just ask OP after all they can only say no.

NewlyGranny · 07/09/2021 22:27

I was in a babysitting circle which was brilliant. We were a group of women whose core had met at NCT classes and what we all had in common was being isolated from close family.

We used tokens. It was a lifesaver!

PTW1234 · 07/09/2021 22:28

Nobody has accepted your offer to babysit as they don’t want to babysit yours in return.

Probably around 80-90% of grandparents are dying to have grandchildren over night and most parents have this set up, to their convenience.

Asking friends to do so and then return favours becomes a commitment and nobody wants to get into a I did this for you on this day can you do it for me type thing

icepackplease · 07/09/2021 22:29

I think your friends don't take up your offer as they realise it would (rightly) be a quid pro quo situation which they don't need to get into as they have alternatives without having to reciprocate. How would it work? They bring their kids to yours, or you take your kid to theirs, or they have one parent stay with their own kids whilst the other babysits yours? After working full time as a younger mum, none of those options would have been attractive to me.

The afternoon off sounds a good option

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 07/09/2021 22:31

I wouldn't offer to babysit a baby.
And when the grandparents take my older two kids for the night they always leave the youngest (1 yo) with me.

Insidelaurashead · 07/09/2021 22:31

I sat for my friends a few times. They're a 40 min drive away and last time I went about 7. They text me whilst out asking me to stay over so I could sleep elsewhere. I said no, and felt so guilty, but had things to do in my own house and needed up be up early. They came home about 2am and I had to drive home in the snow. I haven't sat since and despite regular 'oh we have no one to sit for us' pointed my way, I won't be doing again, because I really felt taken advantage of when I'd done it so they could go out for 'a couple of hours'

thimblekisses · 07/09/2021 22:32

Have you asked them ?

epponneee · 07/09/2021 22:33

I find it really harsh when people suggest that because you presumably chose to have children, you should never ask for any favour regarding them. if a friend went on holiday and asked you to water their plants/feed their fish, would you say no just because it is their responsibility not yours? Ok if you are palming your kids off every week then that isn't great, but asking a friend for a favour once in a while doesn't mean you aren't taking responsibility for your kids. Generally friendship does involve doing things here and there to help each other out!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/09/2021 22:33

I would do it if a friend asked, but I wouldn't randomly offer to babysit someone's 15 month old baby. Nor did anyone randomly offer to babysit DS when he was that age, and I would have found it strange if they did.

I swap babysitting with friends, but we ask when we need it.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 07/09/2021 22:34

Go out for lunch instead of dinner and take your baby with you.

thimblekisses · 07/09/2021 22:36

Imo people don't tend to see other people so obviously struggling. They probably aren't doing it to be asshole but they simply just haven't thought about it.

If I had a friend who needed their child looking after and they asked me , of course! I've done it for a cat (I know it's very different) but as long as I'm am being shown appreciation with maybe a bottle of wine after or some snacks then I would be more than happy to babysit

GetMeOut22 · 07/09/2021 22:37

Personally, I have offered to babysit my friends' children so YANBU. MN is weird, I remember being babysat by my parents' friends growing up as well. I thought that was normal.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/09/2021 22:38

I just wouldn’t be able to face it.

Looking after someone else’s baby when you have your own baby/ small children, just no. That’s a night when you’ve gone through all the hassle of leaving them when they don’t want to be left without even getting a break.

I know people who have done this for others though.

I’ve always paid babysitters.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/09/2021 22:38

Go out for lunch instead of dinner and take your baby with you.

Yes, that will be relaxing.

StoneofDestiny · 07/09/2021 22:39

I've never asked a friend to babysit mine and was never asked to babysit theirs. I had no family wishing hundreds of miles.
You just don't go out together for a few years and then hire a babysitter when you are confident enough to leave them.

Invite friends round for meals etc

Terminallysleepdeprived · 07/09/2021 22:39

I agree with the previous poster, it is a bit shitty that no one has offered of you have discussed how hard you are finding it. I have a similar issue with my friends, I was the last to have kids by a long way I my group (like 10 years later) and did endless babysitting for them, but now as a single mum not one has offered and when I have asked if they were perhaps free so I could go out with dp there is always an excuse why they can't. I have learnt the hard way who my real friends are!

My mum waxes lyrical about the babysitting circle that existed when she was a young mum and I am envious (but then she doesn't have dd overnight either) of that reciprocal arrangements.

I am not sure there is an answer beyond paying someone to sit but I feel your pain @Overthebow it really sucks!

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 07/09/2021 22:40

But they have small children too?

I'm sorry for you, but really, everyone needs to go into starting a family expecting no help at all - even those with families. You never know what might happen to influence the level of support you can expect.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 07/09/2021 22:41

I would never ask friends to babysit. They owe me nothing. I would also not offer to babysit for my friends. The fact that I have my own kids does not mean I like to babysit. And I don't have family here either.

HazelBite · 07/09/2021 22:44

Years ago when mine were young I used to go to a local toddler group and there were many there who didn't have family etc to babysit, so we formed a babysitting circle which worked well.
However there were rules about DC's under a certain age all being in bed, and only certain members were prepared to look after small babies.
On the whole though it worked very well

Flyingantday · 07/09/2021 22:44

@Invisimamma

I would do it for an emergency like a hospital appointment. Probably not for a date night. Looking after other people's children stresses me out. Especially small babies and toddlers, my own children are enough work.

If your dc is in nursery you and dp should both take a day off work and have a daytime date instead.

Agree with all of this
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