To think that he should just take his key with him, and that him being locked out is not my fault?

[PODSNAPPERER]

I have a lodger.

Said lodger is a bit odd about taking things with him when he leaves the house, such as his phone, his keys, a shopping list, anything.

I work nights (from home) and as such am often asleep at odd times during the day when most people are up.

Some time ago I was asleep, lodger went out, I got up and also went out. When I got back he said he had to walk to my Mum's to get her spare key because I'd locked him out, and that he didn't know I was going out so hadn't taken his key. I said 'But you didn't know I was staying in either, so why wouldn't you have your key with you?'

If he goes shopping he often comes back without things as he couldn't find them. We do our own shopping separately as a rule but now and again will offer to pick up things for the other. In the past he's brought me sweet chilli sauce instead of hot chilli sauce, and a bag of lettuce instead of a bag of stir fry because he didn't take his glasses with him so couldn't see what the label said.

When I asked why he wouldn't take his glasses shopping he said because he knows where all his own things are and what they look like so it isn't usually a problem. He says things as to why he doesn't take his phone and keys like 'no pockets in summer' (!).

I've often rang him when he's gone out, for whatever reason and he's not got his 'phone. Odd, but fair enough, up to him however he will then complain if I've tried to ring/message him to say 'I'm going x do you want anything' or 'I'm going to the pub/event/whatever do you want to come?' and he's missed the message.

Anyway today I start work at 20:15.
I woke at 1900 from my nap and decided to go for a quick run, having not been able to earlier because It's so hot.

Lodger is out with the dog (she's my dog but he walks her often just because he likes to, fine).

I get back at about 19:40, and lock the door behind me as I am going in the shower. Lodger still not back.

When I go back downstairs he's in and he's LIVID with me. I also have a message on my phone to the lines of 'Why the fuck did I lock the door, he's had to go all the way to my Mum's for her spare key and he was already hot and bothered and had been out longer than he wanted and I shouldn't have locked the door etc etc'

I ignored the msg and said 'Lodger, if you go out, you take your key with you, it is not my fault if you choose not to.' I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

'You only think of yourself! You don't think of anyone else! You knew I was out so you should have waited until I get back!'

'I didn't know you didn't have your key. You're a grown man, I am not responsible for your locking yourself out.'

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

'You should! Adults have house keys for a reason! I couldn't have waited, I had limited time before starting work. You need to take your key with you if you're going out'.

'Well I never will!'
'Stop whinging then!'

AIBU?

Happy to be told so, honestly I just cannot get my head around him thinking it is a good idea to go out without one?

And he absolutely had his pockets in his trousers. He should have locked the door while leaving the house anyway, IMO as I was in bed and anyone could have walked in.

Let me have it MN. :)

@PODSNAPPERER

I have a lodger.

Said lodger is a bit odd about taking things with him when he leaves the house, such as his phone, his keys, a shopping list, anything.

I work nights (from home) and as such am often asleep at odd times during the day when most people are up.

Some time ago I was asleep, lodger went out, I got up and also went out. When I got back he said he had to walk to my Mum's to get her spare key because I'd locked him out, and that he didn't know I was going out so hadn't taken his key. I said 'But you didn't know I was staying in either, so why wouldn't you have your key with you?'

If he goes shopping he often comes back without things as he couldn't find them. We do our own shopping separately as a rule but now and again will offer to pick up things for the other. In the past he's brought me sweet chilli sauce instead of hot chilli sauce, and a bag of lettuce instead of a bag of stir fry because he didn't take his glasses with him so couldn't see what the label said.

When I asked why he wouldn't take his glasses shopping he said because he knows where all his own things are and what they look like so it isn't usually a problem. He says things as to why he doesn't take his phone and keys like 'no pockets in summer' (!).

I've often rang him when he's gone out, for whatever reason and he's not got his 'phone. Odd, but fair enough, up to him however he will then complain if I've tried to ring/message him to say 'I'm going x do you want anything' or 'I'm going to the pub/event/whatever do you want to come?' and he's missed the message.

Anyway today I start work at 20:15.
I woke at 1900 from my nap and decided to go for a quick run, having not been able to earlier because It's so hot.

Lodger is out with the dog (she's my dog but he walks her often just because he likes to, fine).

I get back at about 19:40, and lock the door behind me as I am going in the shower. Lodger still not back.

When I go back downstairs he's in and he's LIVID with me. I also have a message on my phone to the lines of 'Why the fuck did I lock the door, he's had to go all the way to my Mum's for her spare key and he was already hot and bothered and had been out longer than he wanted and I shouldn't have locked the door etc etc'

I ignored the msg and said 'Lodger, if you go out, you take your key with you, it is not my fault if you choose not to.' I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

'You only think of yourself! You don't think of anyone else! You knew I was out so you should have waited until I get back!'

'I didn't know you didn't have your key. You're a grown man, I am not responsible for your locking yourself out.'

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

'You should! Adults have house keys for a reason! I couldn't have waited, I had limited time before starting work. You need to take your key with you if you're going out'.

'Well I never will!'
'Stop whinging then!'

AIBU?

Happy to be told so, honestly I just cannot get my head around him thinking it is a good idea to go out without one?

And he absolutely had his pockets in his trousers. He should have locked the door while leaving the house anyway, IMO as I was in bed and anyone could have walked in.

Let me have it MN. :)

any updates on how he's been, op ?

He has been much better, thank you!And I am glad I began this thread if not just for the interesting discussions it has sparked!

I am hoping to get a job earning a lot more in the next few months, and when/if I do I am definitely looking at living alone.

He IS a bit dim :( I feel bad saying that, but he really doesn't see,as someone said upthread, that he is in the wrong here and now I have a million replies confirming that he is, I am feeling more confident about that. He does always lock the door now.

He brought feminism into it (said I claim to be a feminist and as good as a man but then say I'm vulnerable to people coming in the house!) I responded that even if a man is asleep in the house, the door should be locked! Nothing to do with gender, if someone is asleep they are vulnerable as is their house and their property.

Grrr. Thank you again for the replies. He is over-invested I agree. I spilt a drink the other night, cleaned it up and put a towel down where the floor was wet, the next day he told me I had an alcohol problem! (I don't)! He tends to pick up on any minor incident and feel it is a big drama.

It is just difficult with lodgers. With this one he's clean and tidy, trustworthy (I've no qualms leaving my handbag about etc) better the devil you know I suppose.

My cousin lodged with me for a while. I had to constantly remind her to begin with that it was not her house and it was not a house share. We got there in the end but god it was hard work

@PODSNAPPERER I don't have a lodger although I do have 17 year old son who used to forget his key when younger. We have one of those secure key boxes installed on the wall outside with a spare key in, means he doesn't have to worry and can always let himself in. Maybe this is a solution for situations when either of you don't want to carry a key

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

I'd give him notice, for this alone

Fingers crossed your well paid job turns up trumps, so that you can afford to give him notice and enjoy your home to yourself.

Life is too short for these dramas.

@Kayjay2018

It is very easy to carry what works with children, who are learning life skills, into your relationships with adults. You see the problem, you have a solution you know works, so it seems obvious that it would be a good idea.

Over time, though, it just prevents the adults from feeling the real life consequences of their actions so that, for them, being pandered to by the adults, let's face it, women, around them, becomes their normal and hence their expectation.

Would you honestly be happy with that kind of relationship with an adult? Some people perpetuate that model because if helps them feel wanted and needed.

Such a waste of a life, for you both, when you can no longer freely choose to do a kindness, because they need and even expect your help.

And the demands in you will increase.

Does your son remember to put the key safe key back, or does he rely on you to do that?

[quote FinallyHere]@Kayjay2018

It is very easy to carry what works with children, who are learning life skills, into your relationships with adults. You see the problem, you have a solution you know works, so it seems obvious that it would be a good idea.

Over time, though, it just prevents the adults from feeling the real life consequences of their actions so that, for them, being pandered to by the adults, let's face it, women, around them, becomes their normal and hence their expectation.

Would you honestly be happy with that kind of relationship with an adult? Some people perpetuate that model because if helps them feel wanted and needed.

Such a waste of a life, for you both, when you can no longer freely choose to do a kindness, because they need and even expect your help.

And the demands in you will increase.

Does your son remember to put the key safe key back, or does he rely on you to do that?[/quote]
I was merely offering another option.

My situation works very nicely for our set up thank you and my son always puts the key back when he uses it (you put it back before you enter the house).