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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that he should just take his key with him, and that him being locked out is not my fault?

182 replies

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:03

I have a lodger.

Said lodger is a bit odd about taking things with him when he leaves the house, such as his phone, his keys, a shopping list, anything.

I work nights (from home) and as such am often asleep at odd times during the day when most people are up.

Some time ago I was asleep, lodger went out, I got up and also went out. When I got back he said he had to walk to my Mum's to get her spare key because I'd locked him out, and that he didn't know I was going out so hadn't taken his key. I said 'But you didn't know I was staying in either, so why wouldn't you have your key with you?'

If he goes shopping he often comes back without things as he couldn't find them. We do our own shopping separately as a rule but now and again will offer to pick up things for the other. In the past he's brought me sweet chilli sauce instead of hot chilli sauce, and a bag of lettuce instead of a bag of stir fry because he didn't take his glasses with him so couldn't see what the label said.

When I asked why he wouldn't take his glasses shopping he said because he knows where all his own things are and what they look like so it isn't usually a problem. He says things as to why he doesn't take his phone and keys like 'no pockets in summer' (!).

I've often rang him when he's gone out, for whatever reason and he's not got his 'phone. Odd, but fair enough, up to him however he will then complain if I've tried to ring/message him to say 'I'm going x do you want anything' or 'I'm going to the pub/event/whatever do you want to come?' and he's missed the message.

Anyway today I start work at 20:15.
I woke at 1900 from my nap and decided to go for a quick run, having not been able to earlier because It's so hot.

Lodger is out with the dog (she's my dog but he walks her often just because he likes to, fine).

I get back at about 19:40, and lock the door behind me as I am going in the shower. Lodger still not back.

When I go back downstairs he's in and he's LIVID with me. I also have a message on my phone to the lines of 'Why the fuck did I lock the door, he's had to go all the way to my Mum's for her spare key and he was already hot and bothered and had been out longer than he wanted and I shouldn't have locked the door etc etc'

I ignored the msg and said 'Lodger, if you go out, you take your key with you, it is not my fault if you choose not to.' I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

'You only think of yourself! You don't think of anyone else! You knew I was out so you should have waited until I get back!'

'I didn't know you didn't have your key. You're a grown man, I am not responsible for your locking yourself out.'

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

'You should! Adults have house keys for a reason! I couldn't have waited, I had limited time before starting work. You need to take your key with you if you're going out'.

'Well I never will!'
'Stop whinging then!'

AIBU?

Happy to be told so, honestly I just cannot get my head around him thinking it is a good idea to go out without one?

And he absolutely had his pockets in his trousers. He should have locked the door while leaving the house anyway, IMO as I was in bed and anyone could have walked in.

Let me have it MN. :)

OP posts:
BlackberrySky · 07/09/2021 04:32

There are 5 people at the moment who have voted YABU. Do you think they have accidentally clicked the wrong button, or is your lodger on MN? 😀

FlowerArranger · 07/09/2021 04:45

@BlackberrySky

There are 5 people at the moment who have voted YABU. Do you think they have accidentally clicked the wrong button, or is your lodger on MN? 😀
I think these folks feel that the OP is totally unreasonable for not yet having given this tosser lodger his marching orders...
NoNoThankYou · 07/09/2021 05:03

OP, I know you've posted in a fairly light-hearted manner but please ask yourself why you're allowing yourself to be treated like this and then wondering whether you might be being unreasonable to boot.

Why do you think it's OK for a man to treat you (and your mother) in this way? Who has trained you into thinking this sort of thing it's just something you might have to put up with? Would you put up with it from a woman? Would you put up with it from a woman you were in a romantic relationship with?

This behaviour is so entitled, controlling and abusive that I would be seriously considering leaving a marriage over it given what it says about his opinion of you and how is acceptable to treat you, never mind chucking out a fucking lodger.

EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 07/09/2021 06:33

I’d be worried about how often he’s going out while you’re at work & leaving the house unlocked. In his mind it might be fine if he’s only going as far as the corner shop or just going to be an hour.

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2021 06:41

Give him his notice and find a new lodger who understands keys open doors and glasses help you to see things

VerveClique · 07/09/2021 06:48

"Steve - you need to always take your keys with you when you go out. Please don't rely on me being in / awake at all. Cheers."

londonrach · 07/09/2021 06:51

Has his mother got the key to your house. You need a new lodger

Anon135798642 · 07/09/2021 06:52

Son of a nutcracker, he sounds like a fucking nightmare OP!!

YANBU - get rid of him!!

caravanman · 07/09/2021 07:00

Apart from the angry and abusive way the lodger has spoken to/texted OP, it does sound like he has some issues with his memory/organisational skills. The lanyard could help. However, my husband, who has similar issues, often forgets to put his lanyard on, so the problem with forgetting keys or even losing keys still persists. Perhaps a prompting note on the door might help as well.
My husband's problems relate to executive dysfunction . Does the lodger have dyslexia, autism or ADHD?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/09/2021 07:20

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Can’t believe the cheek of him!

It’s your house and he is your lodger. He doesn’t get to make rules for you, or have a go at you. You set the house rules for him.

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms to take his key with him every single time. Next time he fails to do so, he’s out on his ear (i probably wouldn’t give him that one chance tbh!)

Leaving the house unlocked is dangerous . And having a go at you is bizarre.

This, with knobs on

I remember being bloody annoyed when I just SHARED a house with a couple of blokes who NEVER took their keys with them, who confused me with their butler/mothers (I was 19 at the timeHmm)....

I told them I was no longer opening the door to them... Interrupting what I was doing, on ocassion waking me up as I was working nights. ....it was a large house and my room was up 3 flights and at the back of the house.... I turned my music up and ignored the bell ringing and shouting...

Someone else came home about 2 hours later...oh dear it had been raining Grin.
The chief idiot went mad at me... Barged into my room, effing and blinding and how I was a stupid bitch for not answering the door. I loathed him. I just kept saying I'd given him fiar warning and it wasn't my responsibility to let him in and out as he was an adult. This guy was in his late 20s...

I wonder OP, is he a whole generation older? I wonder if he's one of these arse blokes who are congenitally incapable of 'taking orders' from a younger female...despite you have every right both legally and morally.

It's YOUR bloody house, you set the rules... If he doesn't like locking the door every time he leaves, he can rent somejwee on his own and leave it insecure to his hearts content.

Just about leaving the house insecure all the time would be enough for me to give him a 'final' warning... It MUST be locked every time you're out...

As others have said... It voids your insurance and horrible thought of waking and finding a burglar (or worse) has just walked into your place.

He doesn't seem to understand this... Which for me, would over ride any other consideration... As he's putting you at risk

Jemand · 07/09/2021 07:20

@AttaGirrrrl

100% YANBU! This has got to be a first?
No, it's happened countless times.
Jemand · 07/09/2021 07:23

Does he work? Does he manage to remember to take his glasses to work, and cope with entry codes etc there? I really wouldn't believe the shopping excuses - my sight is terrible but even I could read the label on a bag if I bring it up close to my eyes, and I could certainly tell the difference between lettuce and bean shoots.

SeriouslyISuppose · 07/09/2021 07:24

@NoNoThankYou

OP, I know you've posted in a fairly light-hearted manner but please ask yourself why you're allowing yourself to be treated like this and then wondering whether you might be being unreasonable to boot.

Why do you think it's OK for a man to treat you (and your mother) in this way? Who has trained you into thinking this sort of thing it's just something you might have to put up with? Would you put up with it from a woman? Would you put up with it from a woman you were in a romantic relationship with?

This behaviour is so entitled, controlling and abusive that I would be seriously considering leaving a marriage over it given what it says about his opinion of you and how is acceptable to treat you, never mind chucking out a fucking lodger.

I completely agree, and also with @EmpressWitchDoesntBurn’s point that he may be going out and leaving your house unlocked on a regular basis, because you being burgled is far less of a faff than him remembering his keys.
CCSA · 07/09/2021 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LagunaBubbles · 07/09/2021 07:33

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

rwalker · 07/09/2021 07:43

You know his quirks way up if the good outweighs the bad.

TBH this isn't just about the key for what ever reason he won't take anything with him thats just him.

The alternative is a new lodger that take there key but they could be a complete arseshole and nightmare .As they say better the devil you know as you said you get along fine.

To solve this issue you could get one of those combination outside key safe there about £25 you can get them from screw fix .
The bonus is you could use it as well and never have to take your key when you go running .

saraclara · 07/09/2021 07:59

"There is a new rule for this house. The door must always be locked. For my security and for the security of my and your belongings.
This means that when you leave for any reason, you must take your key and lock the door behind you.
This is my home, and if your unhappy with those rule, then you are at liberty to find somewhere else to live"

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/09/2021 08:01

@saraclara

"There is a new rule for this house. The door must always be locked. For my security and for the security of my and your belongings. This means that when you leave for any reason, you must take your key and lock the door behind you. This is my home, and if your unhappy with those rule, then you are at liberty to find somewhere else to live"
Deffo this
MuddlingThrough1724 · 07/09/2021 08:13

I'd a) get a new lodger because who needs the stress of him in their lives and b) get a key safe for a spare key in the meantime.

BruceAndNosh · 07/09/2021 08:14

The alternative is replace the lock with a code lock, not a key safe.
If he wants to access the house, he should pay for this lock in full, as he is the only 9ne who can't manage a key

noonetoblamebutmyselfandpizza · 07/09/2021 08:50

Smart door lock! Will solve the key problem.

takehomepay · 07/09/2021 08:52

I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

YANBU, tell him he needs to start carrying his key. And take the spare key from your mum so he doesn't have that back up option anymore.

I think you should also start carrying your key (on an armband, waist bag etc) so that he can't point to your leaving the house without your key as justification for him doing that. I get that you ask but he seems incapable of making that distinction.

Scoobydoobywho · 07/09/2021 09:17

At least when you hopefully kick him out, you won't have to ask for the key back.Grin

Jemand · 07/09/2021 09:24

If his sight is so bad that he can't read labels on shopping, how does he manage with payment?

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