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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that he should just take his key with him, and that him being locked out is not my fault?

182 replies

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:03

I have a lodger.

Said lodger is a bit odd about taking things with him when he leaves the house, such as his phone, his keys, a shopping list, anything.

I work nights (from home) and as such am often asleep at odd times during the day when most people are up.

Some time ago I was asleep, lodger went out, I got up and also went out. When I got back he said he had to walk to my Mum's to get her spare key because I'd locked him out, and that he didn't know I was going out so hadn't taken his key. I said 'But you didn't know I was staying in either, so why wouldn't you have your key with you?'

If he goes shopping he often comes back without things as he couldn't find them. We do our own shopping separately as a rule but now and again will offer to pick up things for the other. In the past he's brought me sweet chilli sauce instead of hot chilli sauce, and a bag of lettuce instead of a bag of stir fry because he didn't take his glasses with him so couldn't see what the label said.

When I asked why he wouldn't take his glasses shopping he said because he knows where all his own things are and what they look like so it isn't usually a problem. He says things as to why he doesn't take his phone and keys like 'no pockets in summer' (!).

I've often rang him when he's gone out, for whatever reason and he's not got his 'phone. Odd, but fair enough, up to him however he will then complain if I've tried to ring/message him to say 'I'm going x do you want anything' or 'I'm going to the pub/event/whatever do you want to come?' and he's missed the message.

Anyway today I start work at 20:15.
I woke at 1900 from my nap and decided to go for a quick run, having not been able to earlier because It's so hot.

Lodger is out with the dog (she's my dog but he walks her often just because he likes to, fine).

I get back at about 19:40, and lock the door behind me as I am going in the shower. Lodger still not back.

When I go back downstairs he's in and he's LIVID with me. I also have a message on my phone to the lines of 'Why the fuck did I lock the door, he's had to go all the way to my Mum's for her spare key and he was already hot and bothered and had been out longer than he wanted and I shouldn't have locked the door etc etc'

I ignored the msg and said 'Lodger, if you go out, you take your key with you, it is not my fault if you choose not to.' I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

'You only think of yourself! You don't think of anyone else! You knew I was out so you should have waited until I get back!'

'I didn't know you didn't have your key. You're a grown man, I am not responsible for your locking yourself out.'

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

'You should! Adults have house keys for a reason! I couldn't have waited, I had limited time before starting work. You need to take your key with you if you're going out'.

'Well I never will!'
'Stop whinging then!'

AIBU?

Happy to be told so, honestly I just cannot get my head around him thinking it is a good idea to go out without one?

And he absolutely had his pockets in his trousers. He should have locked the door while leaving the house anyway, IMO as I was in bed and anyone could have walked in.

Let me have it MN. :)

OP posts:
PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:32

@Pebbledashery

I'm not sure what you expected. You write as if he's an absolute dickhead. Of course he's being unreasonable and you're not. What do you expect people to say... You need a new lodger. Sounds so petulant.
I just wondered if anyone felt perhaps as I know he doesn't like taking his key, I should have maybe considered this before going for a run.

Once previously, I did suspect he didn't have his key and I left mine in a certain location for him. I messaged him to let him know this.

Of course, it didn't help, because he didn't have his phone either Grin but luckily that time he did have his key with him.

OP posts:
PopcornMuncher · 06/09/2021 21:32

100% YANBU Grin

That's your answer

CrikeyPeg · 06/09/2021 21:34

It could be way worse; you could be married to him! 😆

He sounds like a right dim dick, and a classic case of familiarity has bred contempt. He'd be out on his arse if he was my lodger.

RubyGoat · 06/09/2021 21:37

Why on earth are you putting up with this? Do birds suddenly appear every time he is near? Is he a Michelin starred chef?

toothpicklover · 06/09/2021 21:39

Just change the locking mechanism in the door so it locks as soon as it closes.

It’ll cost you about £40 for a new lock and they are easy to change.

toothpicklover · 06/09/2021 21:42

Oh and I got rid of a lodger for this reason plus the fact he was odd. Just kept leaving the house unlocked, doors wide open, windows wide open and his answer was ‘Oh do you want to lock up when I go out’ ffs 🙄

ShitShop · 06/09/2021 21:45

He sounds like my 20 yo DS!! He used to text me irate because I’d dared to go out without leaving a spare key in a flower pot or something, because of course he couldn’t be expected to take his with him! And he’d usually only have 2% battery left and be all incredulous that I wasn’t sorting it out for him. Once I was in A&E with DP with suspected (later confirmed) appendicitis, and DS insisted I return home immediately to let him in. Another time I’d gone to London to meet friends. Not sure why I was supposed to get 2 tubes and a 40 minute train journey to let him in rather than him go to his girlfriend’s house. Confused

My DS is on the spectrum so I have learned how to deal with him a bit better and he’s also learned that being rude doesn’t help his cause. If I wasn’t related to him there’s no way I’d let this continue past the first rant tbh! It got to a point where I was telling him in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t need a key if he carried on as he could go and live elsewhere!

HollowTalk · 06/09/2021 21:51

This is the weirdest thing I've read on here, and that's saying something.

Winterwoollies · 06/09/2021 21:52

How old is he?

I really think you need to serve him notice. He sounds a bit frightening. He’s massively overstepped and if this is new behaviour, I’d be mindful of him escalating his behaviour.

Paq · 06/09/2021 22:00

You've described my husband so exactly it's uncanny.

We have a combination lock key safe on our front wall for exactly this reason.

sameproblem · 06/09/2021 22:00

Fuck this shit. Adults take their keys out with them and let themselves in. You say he's older than you? Time to grow up and act like it. Don't accommodate a single minute more of this. Is your house insurance valid if the front door is left unlocked?

lannistunut · 06/09/2021 22:03

It was 100% YANBU when I voted, this rarely happens.

Your lodger is ridiculous and I would seriously consider asking him to leave for this.

Wineat5isfine · 06/09/2021 22:04

He’s an absolute idiot! Give him notice and change the locks ASAP.

Although, you may not need to do the latter seeing as he isn’t fond of keys….

PlanetTeaTime · 06/09/2021 22:06

You seriously need to get rid of this creepy lodger

Smartiepants79 · 06/09/2021 22:06

Well it’s all about odd but overall it sounds like he works ok as a lodger for you.
I’d be wary about getting rid of him. Better the devil you know and all that…
What about one of those key safe things outside with a spare key to stop it happening again?? I know it’s pandering to his weirdness but it would stop the argument!

Cuddlyrottweiler · 06/09/2021 22:21

I would be fuming if DH went out and left the door unlocked while I was asleep. I know husband and lodger aren't the same but thinking like when my dad came to look after DS when I was ill, I would be just as mad. You don't leave a sleeping person in an unlocked house.

  1. You could easily get robbed, a sleeping person isn't protecting the house.
  2. You could be attacked. You're vulnerable.

We never have the door unlocked though, I lock the door while I'm going back and forth doing the bins. The idea of anyone being able to walk into my house is scary. plus the dog can open the door and the postie doesn't need that

Don't change what you're doing. He'll learn to take his key, he's literally the only one it's affecting so leave him to it.

Kite22 · 06/09/2021 22:22

Currently 305 people have voted, and EVERY SINGLE ONE has said YANBU.

Doesn't happen often on AIBU.

Beautiful3 · 06/09/2021 22:31

He is in the wrong. He cannot expect you to stay in, everytime he goes out! 🙄 he can buy a lanyard from amazon, it clips onto your keys and mobile phone. Be perfect for him.

Undisclosedlocation · 06/09/2021 22:35

Actually I think you have been unreasonable.

Why on earth have you pandered to this stupidity so far? Especially when it puts you and your belongings at risk
Left unlocked you don’t even have valid insurance for burglary

OnTheBoardwalk · 06/09/2021 22:38

I was going to say why has your lodger given his mum a key. I then reread it and realised it was your mum he went to!

Nah fuck that shit get rid of him. It’s a proper weird set up

Gingernaut · 06/09/2021 22:39

Stop enabling this weirdo, give him his marching orders and find someone sensible.

If he's routinely leaving the house unlocked, your insurance is invalidated if someone gets in and steals stuff.

MadameMonk · 06/09/2021 22:41

It’s all very well you coming on Mumsnet and confirming what you already knew 100%, that YANBU. It’s actually important that he talks to some people- in real life or online- about this sort of thing.

I wouldn’t be engaging any further with him on this topic- and I’d let home know calmly that that was my way forward. I’d firmly tell him that whilst it seemed perfectly normal to him, he needed to check it out with others because he’d quickly find he was in the minority. If he has special personality quirks that don’t conform to the basic norms of others, it is entirely his responsibility to make it work for himself.

Key safe, lanyard, whatever. The solution lies in his hands alone. It is simply none of your business what he does with his entries, exits and keys (other than him committing to securing the house).

If he still didn’t get the message I’d probably come up with my own (fake) quirks for a while and some fake outrage that he wasn’t being helpful enough with it.

Maybe I’d start with proclaiming that each day had its own coloured set of washing up gloves, and woe betide anyone who used Tuesday’s blue ones on yellow-glove Sundays?

Or that any day with a thunderstorm forecast required a brief household pre-work dance party- disco music only, no excuses. Non-adherence to be met with active sulking for the rest of the week.

NothingIsWrong · 06/09/2021 22:42

My 12yo learnt the consequences of going to school without her keys. She got very wet until she thought to go to a friends house to wait until I got home from work. I did come as soon as I could after she called me to say she was locked out in the rain, but my minimum from phone call to home is 45min.

She hasn't done it again

Elieza · 06/09/2021 22:48

Buy a bit of string. Or ribbon or thonging. Whatever.

Present to the lodger with the comment “tie this to your key securely and hang it round you neck when you go out so you can’t lose it. You do not need pockets.

Do not go out again without locking the door behind you whether I am in or out.

My insurance is invalidated if the door is unlocked. Whether I am in or out. If you cannot do this I will have to ask you to leave”.

Next time he does it he’s out on his ear.

AmelieLovesAutumn · 06/09/2021 22:49

@BruceAndNosh

DON'T get a key safe. If he can't be arsed to take his key, he won't bother with the code for key safe, he'll just leave it unlocked with the key in it.
That was my thought too. Plus they're not fit regular entry to the house as it can become obvious,quickly, what the PIN number is!

@PODSNAPPERER.

I'd have done the rounds with him
leaving the door unlocked when he went out!

I would tell him that the key at your mums is for EMERGDNCIES, not to be inconveniencing her every 5 minutes because he's a twat who doesn't want to take a key!

Unless your keys are antique & weigh a LOT, tell him to put one on a lanyard! Then he doesn't need to worry about pockets!

& definitely tell him you like living with him, but you will not put up eith this any longer & that if he speaks/texts you like that again he can move out!!

Rude bastard.