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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that he should just take his key with him, and that him being locked out is not my fault?

182 replies

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:03

I have a lodger.

Said lodger is a bit odd about taking things with him when he leaves the house, such as his phone, his keys, a shopping list, anything.

I work nights (from home) and as such am often asleep at odd times during the day when most people are up.

Some time ago I was asleep, lodger went out, I got up and also went out. When I got back he said he had to walk to my Mum's to get her spare key because I'd locked him out, and that he didn't know I was going out so hadn't taken his key. I said 'But you didn't know I was staying in either, so why wouldn't you have your key with you?'

If he goes shopping he often comes back without things as he couldn't find them. We do our own shopping separately as a rule but now and again will offer to pick up things for the other. In the past he's brought me sweet chilli sauce instead of hot chilli sauce, and a bag of lettuce instead of a bag of stir fry because he didn't take his glasses with him so couldn't see what the label said.

When I asked why he wouldn't take his glasses shopping he said because he knows where all his own things are and what they look like so it isn't usually a problem. He says things as to why he doesn't take his phone and keys like 'no pockets in summer' (!).

I've often rang him when he's gone out, for whatever reason and he's not got his 'phone. Odd, but fair enough, up to him however he will then complain if I've tried to ring/message him to say 'I'm going x do you want anything' or 'I'm going to the pub/event/whatever do you want to come?' and he's missed the message.

Anyway today I start work at 20:15.
I woke at 1900 from my nap and decided to go for a quick run, having not been able to earlier because It's so hot.

Lodger is out with the dog (she's my dog but he walks her often just because he likes to, fine).

I get back at about 19:40, and lock the door behind me as I am going in the shower. Lodger still not back.

When I go back downstairs he's in and he's LIVID with me. I also have a message on my phone to the lines of 'Why the fuck did I lock the door, he's had to go all the way to my Mum's for her spare key and he was already hot and bothered and had been out longer than he wanted and I shouldn't have locked the door etc etc'

I ignored the msg and said 'Lodger, if you go out, you take your key with you, it is not my fault if you choose not to.' I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

'You only think of yourself! You don't think of anyone else! You knew I was out so you should have waited until I get back!'

'I didn't know you didn't have your key. You're a grown man, I am not responsible for your locking yourself out.'

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

'You should! Adults have house keys for a reason! I couldn't have waited, I had limited time before starting work. You need to take your key with you if you're going out'.

'Well I never will!'
'Stop whinging then!'

AIBU?

Happy to be told so, honestly I just cannot get my head around him thinking it is a good idea to go out without one?

And he absolutely had his pockets in his trousers. He should have locked the door while leaving the house anyway, IMO as I was in bed and anyone could have walked in.

Let me have it MN. :)

OP posts:
LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 06/09/2021 21:16

what was the last problem with him....i have definitely read this before, ....was it about going out to things together and him earwigging and inviting himself along? Or not coming when invited and then sulking?

He sounds like a right nuisance! I hope you are getting plenty of rent money from him

CorpusCallosum · 06/09/2021 21:18

Absolutely YANBU - he should take his keys.

However, if you want to keep him as a lodger and you're comfortable with it you could put a key safe up. A box with a combo code you keep a key in. We have one and it's saved my bacon a couple of times when I've forgotten my key.

www.screwfix.com/c/security-ironmongery/key-safes-cabinets/cat810230

ConsulTremas · 06/09/2021 21:18

Give him whatever notice he’s entitled to and get rid. On the bright side, at least you know he won’t take the key with him when he goes.

Akire · 06/09/2021 21:19

I would let someone do this once or twice then I would be “fast asleep” or out. What kind adults doesn’t take a key? If you don’t have pockets (name me male clothing doesn’t have decent pockets?) he takes bag.

Who is taking the spare key back to your mums every time? I bet she’s thrilled having to be at home all time just case. The glasses thing! Do he smoke drugs a lot? Can’t imagine doing supermarket with such blurred vision you can’t tell lettuce from stir fry.

sittingonacornflake · 06/09/2021 21:19

He's an idiot.

CanofCant · 06/09/2021 21:19

Yes, Laurie, I'm sure it's the same guy.

He sounds like a pain in the arse and now he's spoken to you like shit OP.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/09/2021 21:19

He thinks he's your arseholish husband. And you seem to think he is, too.

It's a business arrangement, not a toxic marriage and the sooner you get that into your head and get him out, the sooner you'll stop posting about his ridiculous level of entitlement and in this case, his verbal abuse of you.

CanofCant · 06/09/2021 21:20

@ConsulTremas

Give him whatever notice he’s entitled to and get rid. On the bright side, at least you know he won’t take the key with him when he goes.
😆
Winniewonka · 06/09/2021 21:20

If you still want him in your life then provide him with a length of string or wool. Say that as he obviously thinks you're his mother then he can become a 'latchkey' kid and wear his key around his neck all the time!

BruceAndNosh · 06/09/2021 21:20

DON'T get a key safe.
If he can't be arsed to take his key, he won't bother with the code for key safe, he'll just leave it unlocked with the key in it.

AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 06/09/2021 21:21

"Listen lodger. I am not your fucking mum. I will not wait around for you to come home before I can go out, take a shower, go to bed etc just in case you haven't taken YOUR key to the house YOU live in.

I. AM. NOT. RESPONSIBLE. FOR. YOU.

Oh, and stop going to my mother's house. She shouldn't have to take care of my lodger like he's an irresponsible teenager either."

FatCatThinCat · 06/09/2021 21:22

Is he going out and leaving your house unlocked?

namechange30455 · 06/09/2021 21:23

I wouldn't put up with this reaction from my children or husband let alone a lodger!

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:23

@MedusasBadHairDay

He sounds like a complete dick.
Grin

Sorry but this really made me laugh!

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 06/09/2021 21:23

This is utterly bizarre. His behaviour is very weird but the anger and aggression towards you isn’t acceptable in any way. I’d be giving him his notice.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 06/09/2021 21:24

Wtf? OP, you’re not responsible for him. Neither is your mum (!!!!). I’d give him the push ASAP.

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:24

@FatCatThinCat

Is he going out and leaving your house unlocked?
Yes, he had gone out leaving me in bed (back bedroom, upstairs) and the house unlocked. I know some people are fine with such things but I don't like it. It's a nice area but things happen!
OP posts:
PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:25

@Winniewonka

If you still want him in your life then provide him with a length of string or wool. Say that as he obviously thinks you're his mother then he can become a 'latchkey' kid and wear his key around his neck all the time!
Haha I may buy him a lanyard! I think I have one laying around somewhere actually!
OP posts:
CanofCant · 06/09/2021 21:26

Why do you feel obligated to put up with his nonsense?

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:26

@LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow

what was the last problem with him....i have definitely read this before, ....was it about going out to things together and him earwigging and inviting himself along? Or not coming when invited and then sulking?

He sounds like a right nuisance! I hope you are getting plenty of rent money from him

I dont think that was me? I have posted once about him but it wasn't anything like that.
OP posts:
OhThatChicken · 06/09/2021 21:27

Have you previously dated and he’s now living with you while trying to sort out moving out? There surely has to be more to this dynamic than purely the landlady lodger relationship. This is insane otherwise. Who speaks like this?!

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:28

@Akire

I would let someone do this once or twice then I would be “fast asleep” or out. What kind adults doesn’t take a key? If you don’t have pockets (name me male clothing doesn’t have decent pockets?) he takes bag.

Who is taking the spare key back to your mums every time? I bet she’s thrilled having to be at home all time just case. The glasses thing! Do he smoke drugs a lot? Can’t imagine doing supermarket with such blurred vision you can’t tell lettuce from stir fry.

I see my Mum often and she lives about 10 minutes walk away, so far it hasn't been an issue, but I know what you mean, she isn't responsible for him either.

She finds his behaviour quite amusing luckily.
No, he doesn't do drugs, has the odd beer about once or twice a month but that's it.

OP posts:
PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:28

@OhThatChicken

Have you previously dated and he’s now living with you while trying to sort out moving out? There surely has to be more to this dynamic than purely the landlady lodger relationship. This is insane otherwise. Who speaks like this?!
No we've never been intimate at all. I'm a lesbian and he's a fair bit older.
OP posts:
PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:30

@ConsulTremas

Give him whatever notice he’s entitled to and get rid. On the bright side, at least you know he won’t take the key with him when he goes.
Grin Grin Grin

I'm working now and he's up in his bedroom. I did reply to his 'why the fuck did you lock the door' message with,

'Because going out and leaving the house containing all our belongings unlocked would be rather irresponsible of me don't you think?'

Petty, I know.

OP posts:
5zeds · 06/09/2021 21:31

Your poor mother! Surely you can manage your lodger without expecting her to provide this level of service. Is he mouthing off to her too?

If he goes out leaving the door unlocked while you are asleep in bed you need to get rid of him, that’s VERY dangerous.

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