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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that he should just take his key with him, and that him being locked out is not my fault?

182 replies

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:03

I have a lodger.

Said lodger is a bit odd about taking things with him when he leaves the house, such as his phone, his keys, a shopping list, anything.

I work nights (from home) and as such am often asleep at odd times during the day when most people are up.

Some time ago I was asleep, lodger went out, I got up and also went out. When I got back he said he had to walk to my Mum's to get her spare key because I'd locked him out, and that he didn't know I was going out so hadn't taken his key. I said 'But you didn't know I was staying in either, so why wouldn't you have your key with you?'

If he goes shopping he often comes back without things as he couldn't find them. We do our own shopping separately as a rule but now and again will offer to pick up things for the other. In the past he's brought me sweet chilli sauce instead of hot chilli sauce, and a bag of lettuce instead of a bag of stir fry because he didn't take his glasses with him so couldn't see what the label said.

When I asked why he wouldn't take his glasses shopping he said because he knows where all his own things are and what they look like so it isn't usually a problem. He says things as to why he doesn't take his phone and keys like 'no pockets in summer' (!).

I've often rang him when he's gone out, for whatever reason and he's not got his 'phone. Odd, but fair enough, up to him however he will then complain if I've tried to ring/message him to say 'I'm going x do you want anything' or 'I'm going to the pub/event/whatever do you want to come?' and he's missed the message.

Anyway today I start work at 20:15.
I woke at 1900 from my nap and decided to go for a quick run, having not been able to earlier because It's so hot.

Lodger is out with the dog (she's my dog but he walks her often just because he likes to, fine).

I get back at about 19:40, and lock the door behind me as I am going in the shower. Lodger still not back.

When I go back downstairs he's in and he's LIVID with me. I also have a message on my phone to the lines of 'Why the fuck did I lock the door, he's had to go all the way to my Mum's for her spare key and he was already hot and bothered and had been out longer than he wanted and I shouldn't have locked the door etc etc'

I ignored the msg and said 'Lodger, if you go out, you take your key with you, it is not my fault if you choose not to.' I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

'You only think of yourself! You don't think of anyone else! You knew I was out so you should have waited until I get back!'

'I didn't know you didn't have your key. You're a grown man, I am not responsible for your locking yourself out.'

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

'You should! Adults have house keys for a reason! I couldn't have waited, I had limited time before starting work. You need to take your key with you if you're going out'.

'Well I never will!'
'Stop whinging then!'

AIBU?

Happy to be told so, honestly I just cannot get my head around him thinking it is a good idea to go out without one?

And he absolutely had his pockets in his trousers. He should have locked the door while leaving the house anyway, IMO as I was in bed and anyone could have walked in.

Let me have it MN. :)

OP posts:
takehomepay · 07/09/2021 09:24

Contactless innit.

Disneycharacter · 07/09/2021 09:32

Would a code operated key safe outside your house be an option?

LookItsMeAgain · 07/09/2021 09:53

Give him notice that he has to leave.
If you got 'broken in to' while he is out and you're out (and he neglected to lock doors) wouldn't this invalidate your home insurance? You'd get nothing.

He is being very irresponsible.

OccultGnuAsWell · 07/09/2021 10:11

If you get a key safe I think it'll work well. But only once. Then he'll forget to put the key back in the safe and back to square one.

Plus it won't resolve the problem of him leaving the door unlocked when he leaves the property.

If he "can't" remember to take his key with him and lock up behind him then surely he won't go through the extra steps of opening the key safe/locking door/returning key to safe.

I really dislike people who expect others to accommodate their quirks and foibles rather than behaving like a functioning adult and taking the bloody key. So this may be colouring my response.

Is he so good a lodger that you would want to work round this behaviour? Or is it time to suggest he move on?

I know which way I'd be leaning.

SeriouslyISuppose · 07/09/2021 10:30

If you're not actually giving him his notice, and I suspect you aren't (mystifyingly), then the very least I would do is get a new lock on the front door, the automatic deadlatch type that you can't leave unlocked, because it locks when you shut the door.

That way at least he can't go out leaving the house unlocked. Unless he thinks it's OK to leave the front door wide open to the street because it's better than the bother of remembering to take his key with him.

PODSNAPPERER · 07/09/2021 11:09

He is still on this this morning.

Last night I told him that he must not leave the house insecure if I'm in but asleep and he must take his key when he goes out. He said he overheard me telling my mum that it was too hot to go for a run yesterday, and that by the time I woke up it would be too late and I'd not have any time before work.

This is true however,
1)He wasn't meant to be earwigging that conversation
2)I'm entitled to change my mind if i wish and as it happened I did wake early enough to go for my run.

Ive told him this and that I'm entitled to change my mind 20 times if I want to. He's told me that yes I am but it is selfish of me to not inform him of my change of plan, and that I could have left him a key somewhere.

This is my proposed reply (he's out). What do you think?

"Take your key when you go out Dave. Go out meaning whenever you go out, regardless of what for.

Exceptions do exist, if you don't want to take a key and I'm in (& not sleeping!) And you ask me if you need a key and I say no(like I do when I'm running, it is awkward carrying a key so I'll ask and sometimes not take one).

I didn't inform you of my plans in the first place to then inform you I had changed them anyway.

You didn't have your 'phone on you either so when I woke up and decided to go for a run, informing you would have made no difference.

I wouldn't have left the key because I did not expect you to leave the house insecure with me asleep upstairs, nor do I expect a grown man to leave the house without his key regardless."

OP posts:
takehomepay · 07/09/2021 11:11

That's too longwinded, OP. Just tell him he must always ensure he has his key with him and not rely on your mum's spare or you staying home and you will do the same.

FatCatThinCat · 07/09/2021 11:28

Just message him

'Take your key whenever you go out or get used to be locked out. I'm not putting up with your nonsense anymore. If you don't like it, find yourself somewhere else to live. And if you ever leave my house unsecured again you'll be out your arse before teatime.'

Zilla1 · 07/09/2021 11:29

Does your house key weigh over ten kilograms, OP? Is it as big as a pizza box? Is it attached to your house by a heavy, mile-long chain? Does it bite like an angry guard dog? If so then YABU.

PODSNAPPERER · 07/09/2021 11:34

@takehomepay

That's too longwinded, OP. Just tell him he must always ensure he has his key with him and not rely on your mum's spare or you staying home and you will do the same.
Yes, you're right. I realised as soon as I'd posted it.

Sorry as I've said I worked last night so I'm half asleep Grin
I'll reply to the thread properly later when I'm fully awake. I don't know how I can get it through to him that It's perfectly normal for anyone over the age of 12 to know they must take a key if they go out of their house...

OP posts:
PODSNAPPERER · 07/09/2021 11:35

@Zilla1

Does your house key weigh over ten kilograms, OP? Is it as big as a pizza box? Is it attached to your house by a heavy, mile-long chain? Does it bite like an angry guard dog? If so then YABU.
Well now you mention it.. Grin

No. Its a tiny inoffensive garrison key!

OP posts:
EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 07/09/2021 12:04

And you ask me if you need a key and I say no(like I do when I'm running, it is awkward carrying a key so I'll ask and sometimes not take one).

I wouldn’t put it past him to tell you you don’t need to take a key, then go out anyway & lock up. He’d probably be see it as teaching you a lesson.

timeisnotaline · 07/09/2021 12:05

Too long. ‘I’m not here to open the door for you, that’s what your key is for and I expect you to have it every time you leave the house. I will not contact you to inform you if my plans change and I go out.’

I’d get a key rock for your running but NOT TELL HIM. It’d be just for you to put your key in then go for a run so you can be crystal clear that you aren’t asking him to let you in and he isn’t expecting you there to let him in.

timeisnotaline · 07/09/2021 12:06

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn makes a good point definitely get yourself a key lock! That would be very much at his maturity level. Absolutely don’t give him the code and put it out of sight.

Alternista · 07/09/2021 12:29

You need to remove the exceptions. Just take your key running with you and put it in your armband or whatever.

“Not having this argument any more Dave. From now on please ensure the house is secured whenever you leave and i will do the same.”

Immunetypegoblin · 07/09/2021 12:40

It's perfectly normal for anyone over the age of 12 to know they must take a key if they go out of their house.

Send him that!!

WomanStanleyWoman · 07/09/2021 12:54

Exceptions do exist, if you don't want to take a key and I'm in (& not sleeping!)

PLEASE do not suggest ‘exceptions’. Every day will be an exception; there will always be some (spurious) reason why he can’t take a key. Just tell him he has to take a key and lock up behind him - no exceptions, no excuses.

Alternatively - and this would be the route I’d take - tell him to find somewhere else to live. No ‘last chances’ or anything like that; those are for people who know they’ve screwed up and want to fix it. He thinks you’ve screwed up. He doesn’t want to fix it, because he doesn’t think there’s anything to fix.

I remember your previous thread about him earwigging on private conversations. If you’re onto your second multi-page thread here about his behaviour, this must be seriously affecting you in real life. It’s not a marriage you have to try to make work; it’s a business arrangement that isn’t working for you anymore. It’s time to end it.

Outbutnotoutout · 07/09/2021 13:11

He's your lodger, but acts like a partner

The lines are blurred, get rid, get a new lodger

Seeingadistance · 07/09/2021 13:31

LTB!

OP, he’s a lodger - just give him his notice and find someone else.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/09/2021 14:27

@FatCatThinCat

Just message him

'Take your key whenever you go out or get used to be locked out. I'm not putting up with your nonsense anymore. If you don't like it, find yourself somewhere else to live. And if you ever leave my house unsecured again you'll be out your arse before teatime.'

This!!!

This is what you need to send him.

Nothing else.

MerryHellbreakingloose · 07/09/2021 14:36

Honestly, I think you've got bigger issues than the key.

He listens to your private conversations. He's moaning that you changed plans that he wasn't supposed to be privy to anyway. If this was a romantic relationship, we'd all be saying he's abusive!

MushroomQueen · 07/09/2021 14:41

I always always take my key even if my partner is in the house, as I like to
Know I can get in without any worries if he can't hear me or something- bizzare person not taking his own key

saraclara · 07/09/2021 14:52

"You are my lodger, not my child, not my husband. I am not responsible for you. And nor is my mother. You go out, you take your key. It's that simple. I am not arguing this any more. You take responsibility for yourself"

altiara · 07/09/2021 15:32

Agree with everyone else.
@PODSNAPPERER Just here to say you can get leggings with a little zip at the back that has room for a key so you won’t notice it while running.

TheHouseIsOnFire · 07/09/2021 15:43

@noonetoblamebutmyselfandpizza

Smart door lock! Will solve the key problem.
She doesn’t have a key problem. She has a lodger problem!