Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that he should just take his key with him, and that him being locked out is not my fault?

182 replies

PODSNAPPERER · 06/09/2021 21:03

I have a lodger.

Said lodger is a bit odd about taking things with him when he leaves the house, such as his phone, his keys, a shopping list, anything.

I work nights (from home) and as such am often asleep at odd times during the day when most people are up.

Some time ago I was asleep, lodger went out, I got up and also went out. When I got back he said he had to walk to my Mum's to get her spare key because I'd locked him out, and that he didn't know I was going out so hadn't taken his key. I said 'But you didn't know I was staying in either, so why wouldn't you have your key with you?'

If he goes shopping he often comes back without things as he couldn't find them. We do our own shopping separately as a rule but now and again will offer to pick up things for the other. In the past he's brought me sweet chilli sauce instead of hot chilli sauce, and a bag of lettuce instead of a bag of stir fry because he didn't take his glasses with him so couldn't see what the label said.

When I asked why he wouldn't take his glasses shopping he said because he knows where all his own things are and what they look like so it isn't usually a problem. He says things as to why he doesn't take his phone and keys like 'no pockets in summer' (!).

I've often rang him when he's gone out, for whatever reason and he's not got his 'phone. Odd, but fair enough, up to him however he will then complain if I've tried to ring/message him to say 'I'm going x do you want anything' or 'I'm going to the pub/event/whatever do you want to come?' and he's missed the message.

Anyway today I start work at 20:15.
I woke at 1900 from my nap and decided to go for a quick run, having not been able to earlier because It's so hot.

Lodger is out with the dog (she's my dog but he walks her often just because he likes to, fine).

I get back at about 19:40, and lock the door behind me as I am going in the shower. Lodger still not back.

When I go back downstairs he's in and he's LIVID with me. I also have a message on my phone to the lines of 'Why the fuck did I lock the door, he's had to go all the way to my Mum's for her spare key and he was already hot and bothered and had been out longer than he wanted and I shouldn't have locked the door etc etc'

I ignored the msg and said 'Lodger, if you go out, you take your key with you, it is not my fault if you choose not to.' I also reminded him that if we're both in and I go out for a run, I always ask do I need my key-It's nicer to not have to carry my key, sure but if I need it, if he may go out, I'll take it, we have to be responsible for these things.

'You only think of yourself! You don't think of anyone else! You knew I was out so you should have waited until I get back!'

'I didn't know you didn't have your key. You're a grown man, I am not responsible for your locking yourself out.'

'You're selfish! I never take my key!'

'You should! Adults have house keys for a reason! I couldn't have waited, I had limited time before starting work. You need to take your key with you if you're going out'.

'Well I never will!'
'Stop whinging then!'

AIBU?

Happy to be told so, honestly I just cannot get my head around him thinking it is a good idea to go out without one?

And he absolutely had his pockets in his trousers. He should have locked the door while leaving the house anyway, IMO as I was in bed and anyone could have walked in.

Let me have it MN. :)

OP posts:
TheHouseIsOnFire · 07/09/2021 15:47

@altiara

Agree with everyone else. *@PODSNAPPERER* Just here to say you can get leggings with a little zip at the back that has room for a key so you won’t notice it while running.
Yes, or get a running belt that has a compartment to put your key in. That way you never have to rely on him to let you in, because I can guarantee that you making a point about this will lead to him passive aggressively going out and leaving you locked out of your own house!

As lodger/LL you don’t need to be letting each other in an out, you need to be two independent and separate adults who happen to share a space. Don’t rely on him and then he has no reason to expect to rely on you, or to have any input or knowledge into whether or when you go for a frigging run!

melj1213 · 07/09/2021 16:03

"Dave, when you leave the house you must take your key and lock the door behind you. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. No exceptions. If you are unable to reliably do this, then you will need to find somewhere else to live."

Christ, if my preteen DD can remember to take her house key with her when she goes out a fully grown man shoud be able to manage it!

We live in a flat, and while I could leave our flat door unlocked the main door lock is a yale style that automatically shuts behind you and can't be opened without a key. DD has a key to allow her to go out and play with friends, walk/to from school etc without me having to be interrupted to let her in via the buzzer entry system - eg this morning I was in a Teams meeting as she was leaving for school and she came back in twice, once because she forgot her water bottle and the second time for her flute case, which she had put down by the door when she came back for the water bottle 🙄.

Di11y · 07/09/2021 16:04

I know this isn't your issue to solve, but is there somewhere out the way for a key box? If he paid and got it installed would you be ok with it? Then he could never take his key ever again.

PepsiHoover · 07/09/2021 16:08

@stupiduser

You need a new lodger
This.
BorderlineHappy · 07/09/2021 16:30

He sounds overbearing and a bit dim.
You need t0 have 1 rule and thats take your key everywhere you go.

Stop asking him to pick things up for you.Give him a week and if things havent improved ask him to leave.
Hes not your dp,he doesnt need to know what your plans are and he doesnt need to know if you change them.

He sounds over invested in your life.

TrickOrRuddyTreat · 07/09/2021 17:10

"You are my lodger, not my child, not my husband. I am not responsible for you. And nor is my mother. You go out, you take your key. It's that simple. I am not arguing this any more. You take responsibility for yourself"

This^

And if he comes back arguing say " I am not discussing this any further - my house, my rules". If he carries on then point out he's welcome to leave. Although given the way he's spoken to you I'd be telling him he needs to do that now, regardless of how nice he's been before.

EccentricaGalumbits · 08/09/2021 01:09

@saraclara

"You are my lodger, not my child, not my husband. I am not responsible for you. And nor is my mother. You go out, you take your key. It's that simple. I am not arguing this any more. You take responsibility for yourself"
My vote is still chuck him out because your landlord/lodger relationship all all kinds of dysfunctional.

But I sense you want to keep putting up with his shit for awhile longer, in which case the above reply is perfect.

Please do relieve your mother of her keymaster duties though, that is so unfair.

EccentricaGalumbits · 08/09/2021 01:10

*is

RAOK · 08/09/2021 01:17

Replace with keypad entry then you can run without a key too and your door will never be left unlocked at any time.

Changechangychange · 08/09/2021 01:32

He is mistaking you for a hotel front desk, or maybe his mummy. Either way, get rid. Incredibly disrespectful in your house.

Changechangychange · 08/09/2021 01:36

He's told me that yes I am but it is selfish of me to not inform him of my change of plan

Dear god, he really thinks you answer to him doesn’t he? Arrogant little shit. Really, give him his notice tomorrow morning.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 08/09/2021 01:41

Fuck me, when I first lived away from home I was paranoid about locking myself out. And you know, I always remembered my key and never locked myself out. I was 18 then, I'm guessing this guy is a fair bit older. He sounds like a petulant manchild.

OurMamInHavianas · 08/09/2021 01:42

@BorderlineHappy

He sounds overbearing and a bit dim. You need t0 have 1 rule and thats take your key everywhere you go.

Stop asking him to pick things up for you.Give him a week and if things havent improved ask him to leave.
Hes not your dp,he doesnt need to know what your plans are and he doesnt need to know if you change them.

He sounds over invested in your life.

This. Or the OP is a bit vulnerable with poor boundaries. Or she just likes the drama.
AllyBama · 08/09/2021 02:03

God OP, are you that hard up for a lodger you wound put up with being spoken to like that in your own home? All this stuff about giving notice about going for a run etc is soooo irrelevant. It’s your house, your rules and there is no way in the world I would live with someone who thought it was acceptable to speak to me the way he spoke to you. He’s be gone and I’d be looking for a new lodger.

Hydrate · 08/09/2021 02:30

YANBU. He is. I would be very tired of his irresponsibility regarding home security and either change the lock to a keypad lock, or evict him.

Rayna37 · 08/09/2021 02:35

I bet any money he's relatively newly separated after years of marriage with someone who put up with this shit (until they didn't) and he has no idea it isn't the norm. Also is this London? Why no car keys to manage?!

MilesOfSand · 08/09/2021 02:45

Your insurance would be invalid if you had a break-in - sounds like he leaves the house unlocked regularly.

Soubriquet · 08/09/2021 02:47

I wonder if you can get a coating on your key that says “take me fucking with you!”

WomanStanleyWoman · 08/09/2021 08:06

@Rayna37

I bet any money he's relatively newly separated after years of marriage with someone who put up with this shit (until they didn't) and he has no idea it isn't the norm. Also is this London? Why no car keys to manage?!
Because - shock horror - even outside London, not everyone drives.
saraclara · 08/09/2021 08:21

@AllyBama

God OP, are you that hard up for a lodger you wound put up with being spoken to like that in your own home? All this stuff about giving notice about going for a run etc is soooo irrelevant. It’s your house, your rules and there is no way in the world I would live with someone who thought it was acceptable to speak to me the way he spoke to you. He’s be gone and I’d be looking for a new lodger.
Yep. This is your home and he speaks to you like you're a bit of shit on his shoe.

I'm sticking with my suggestion

"You are my lodger, not my child, not my husband. I am not responsible for you. And nor is my mother. You go out, you take your key. It's that simple. I am not arguing this any more. You take responsibility for yourself"
And I'd add that he HAS to lock the door.
If you're determined to let him stay, then you need to stick up for yourself and lay it on the line

Jemand · 08/09/2021 08:24

Get a Yale lock. That way the door will be automatically locked and he will learn that he really has no choice but to take his key when he goes out.

Chasingsquirrels · 08/09/2021 08:29

"Leave your key next time you go out Dave, and don't bother coming back".

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 08/09/2021 08:29

He sounds like a petulant teenager taking no personal responsibility. Has he lived on his own or shared previously? Is he leaving your house unlocked? I'd be giving him notice to move out if he doesnt step up about home security.

callmeadoctor · 08/09/2021 08:31

@FatCatThinCat

Just message him

'Take your key whenever you go out or get used to be locked out. I'm not putting up with your nonsense anymore. If you don't like it, find yourself somewhere else to live. And if you ever leave my house unsecured again you'll be out your arse before teatime.'

This is the message to send him OP!! (Top message btw Grin
Hawkins001 · 08/09/2021 12:54

With me I always prefer to carry keys, phone, tablets e.g. Kindle, extra keys for the garden, in a side satchel type bag, and usually a camera, and equipment carry case in a backpack. My philosophy is if a car rolled up and I needed to be at the air port asap or on way to headquarters, then I have everything I need to head straight there , clothes ect can always be acquired on the way or once I'm at hq.