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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't come more often?

353 replies

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 18:35

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 06/09/2021 18:38

What is your DH view? I am assuming he is all up for it assuming as your on maternity leave you can pick this all up?

HollowTalk · 06/09/2021 18:38

You'll get slated here, but I agree.

GreyTS · 06/09/2021 18:45

Absolutely you are right, he's their dad, I would never expect my ex's new partner to look after my children if he wasn't there. Besides you are already shouldering most of the responsibilities at home (you really shouldn't) so fine to say enough, he is t to agree unless he can be home

HawksAreRed · 06/09/2021 18:46

I think it's up to you, but can completely understand why you would want DH at home to care for DSS.

I guess it just depends on what role you want (Step Mum or Dad's Wife) either way YANBU.

Thehop · 06/09/2021 18:47

I agree, absolutely.

Youseethethingis · 06/09/2021 18:49
  1. he would be unreasonable to assume that someone other than a parent is obliged to look after a child.
  2. you would be unreasonable to assume he should just be around without considering the possible financial impact of that. Would his drop in hours be evened out by a reduction in maintenance for example? Can DH flex his hours and work after the kids are in bed? Much to consider.
Mintjulia · 06/09/2021 18:51

How old are the sdcs? How much input do they need from you?

Mintjulia · 06/09/2021 18:53

If dsd is old enough to bring dss to and from school, it wouldn't be so bad.

WinTheNight · 06/09/2021 18:55

He’s not going to see much of his newest baby either unless he sorts his working hours out, if he leaves early and often isn’t home til 8pm. There’s no way I’d accept that as it means you’re basically a single parent all week. When he’s home earlier, his other children can come over more.

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 18:56

YANBU at all.

If he wants to see his son more, he actually needs to be around to see him, plus pick up the extra work that creates.

It's not fair for him to just pile on extra work for you when you're already doing most of the current work!

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 18:58

@Youseethethingis

1) he would be unreasonable to assume that someone other than a parent is obliged to look after a child. 2) you would be unreasonable to assume he should just be around without considering the possible financial impact of that. Would his drop in hours be evened out by a reduction in maintenance for example? Can DH flex his hours and work after the kids are in bed? Much to consider.
I agree but I think if he can't afford to drop his hours or can't have flexible working he will have to say no to his son.
AngelPrint · 06/09/2021 18:59

100% agree. If your DH wants the DSC to come more often, it should be him who is there when they do.

Original poster
ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 19:00

I agree but I think if he can't afford to drop his hours or can't have flexible working he will have to say no to his son

This was my thinking really. The financial affects aren't hugely relevant as it's not like DSS HAS to come more often. If it's not practical for DH financially or business wise then surely he'll have to say no, not me just accept the additional load?

OP posts:
violetbunny · 06/09/2021 19:02

YANBU, his son, he needs to be there.

Janaih · 06/09/2021 19:03

Contact time is for kids to see their other parent, not the kid down the road. No deal.
I would agree to the odd one every now and again but not any regular arrangement. Noooo.

AuntMargo · 06/09/2021 19:05

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!

Hattie765 · 06/09/2021 19:05

Don't do it, you're not unpaid childcare he has 2 parents xx

Original poster
ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 19:05

@Mintjulia

If dsd is old enough to bring dss to and from school, it wouldn't be so bad.
DSD isn't asking to stay more at the moment. They are at different schools anyway (she's in secondary).
OP posts:
Original poster
ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 19:07

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!
So everyone else but me gets to decide what I do with my time considering it would be me looking after him? I get no say in it? No thank you.
OP posts:
Clymene · 06/09/2021 19:08

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!
Not if their father isn't actually there. She's not their unpaid childcare.
HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:08

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!
Some of us are just not doormats who allow their partners to dump their responsibilities onto them.
Notaroadrunner · 06/09/2021 19:09

I wouldn't agree to it. If he wants his son to spend more time at his house then he needs to be there to look after him.

SukonthaM · 06/09/2021 19:11

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!
Except that’s not what the op has said at all, is it? She’s not said she didn’t want him there. She’s said his dad needs to be there if he stays more often so her workload doesn’t increase more than it already has
Tooembarrassingtomention · 06/09/2021 19:13

Why doesn't you Dh have 50/50?
That would be a usual starting point for a parent?

Youseethethingis · 06/09/2021 19:18

9 year olds don't get to be at home without a parent or another willing adult organised to look after them, even if their parents are still together. You can say "boohoo but it's his home" all you like, if nobody is there to look after them then that's that.
OP should be considered unavailable as she is an autonomous human being who gets to decide what to do with her own time.

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