Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't come more often?

353 replies

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 18:35

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

OP posts:
pelosi · 06/09/2021 19:42

YANBU, be very firm that he needs to commit to be there if he says yes.

And if he can make time for DSC on weekends, he can also make time for housework. Or are you expected to manage baby and housework?

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:42

"I’m not male excusing so much as breadwinner excusing. I’ve always been the one with business trips, long hours, after hours work. I’d be livid if anyone accused me of not parenting my children because I wasn’t home after school every day! I am still a parent and a good one. I think it’s ridiculous and manipulative you can’t care for a step child without their dad being there.*

I didn't see OP mention anywhere that her husband is the breadwinner? Just that he works long hours. OP could very easily be the higher earner for all we know!

PumpkinPatch21 · 06/09/2021 19:43

YANBU. He should at least be available. Looking after a extra child on your own is a lot of work for one person espically when they aren't your own child.

FangsForTheMemory · 06/09/2021 19:44

Does the boy want spend more time at your house in order to see more of his dad? If so, that needs sorting out anyway.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 19:44

@ReturnOfThePedi

Honestly, at 9 I was home alone after school until my parents got home from work around 7pm

Either you were a very grown up 9 year old or DSS is very immature but none of us would ever dream of doing this.

In terms of what it actually entails, school runs, homework, tea cooking (I don't have anything until DH gets home when baby is in bed), keeping an eye on him playing out etc.. all whilst trying to sort baby out with their tea, their bath, their bedtime (which I'm usually part way through by the time DH gets home).

Yes I know it's not impossible, yes I know single parents do it. But I'm not a single parent, and whilst he's a good kid, nor am I his parent either.

Lol, I am forgetting you are precious first baby stage. Talk to me when you have four DC under age 7 to handle. Taking care of a baby plus a 9yr old is as easy as breathing.

Btw, I did pay for childcare to the poster that asked, but not when my husband was home and off work. I expected him to care for all the DCs when he’s not working, and rightfully so.

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:46

I cant believe most women on this thread would really be that pissed off at being asked to be in the same house as a 9 year old that is not their own DC until their DH got home. Would it really be that much extra work? At that age, they can pretty much amuse themselves, it's not like you're having to look after a toddler.

I wouldn't be pissed off to be asked. I would say no though.

Janaih · 06/09/2021 19:48

@PlanDeRaccordement if you're not there you're not parenting. You're a parent but not parenting.

ittakes2 · 06/09/2021 19:48

Of course you shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do but just like your partner is a parent to this boy - you developed a relationship and had a baby with a man you knew had children already. You already only have the child 2 days out of 7 - if you had a good relationship with your DSS than rustling up some food like sticking a pre made cottage pie in the oven or something for a 9 year old is not a huge deal. Image how rejected he is going to feel by you when he's told he can't have extra contact because his step mum doesn't want to care for him. And its not about you being a woman - its about you being the only adult at home when he is at home.

WinTheNight · 06/09/2021 19:48

I cant believe most women on this thread would really be that pissed off at being asked to be in the same house as a 9 year old that is not their own DC until their DH got home. Would it really be that much extra work? At that age, they can pretty much amuse themselves, it's not like you're having to look after a toddler.

I wouldn’t be pusses off if overall the man was a good parent doing his share, but he’s not. Zero parenting for any of the kids is being done by him in the week.

WinTheNight · 06/09/2021 19:48

*pissed off

santaslittlehohoho · 06/09/2021 19:49

@PlanDeRaccordement

"Lol, I am forgetting you are precious first baby stage. Talk to me when you have four DC under age 7 to handle. Taking care of a baby plus a 9yr old is as easy as breathing. "

Assuming that's four of your own children? Hmm why should the OP put herself through the stress of looking after an 8 month old and keeping the routine whilst also a 9 year old, who isn't her child? She's not a babysitter, if DSS is coming it should be to see his dad - not just play out and rely on OP to feed / bathe / supervise etc.

Also OP - you just know that potentially your DSD will probably end up coming too eventually and it'll be double the fuss!! Your DH needs to sort it out childcare wise, definitely YANBU.

ThePoint678 · 06/09/2021 19:49

Why doesn’t your DH have his children 50% of the time already?

I’d be insisting DH allow DSS and DSD to come more often and that he must be home whilst they are there. It’s for him to facilitate the relationship between his older children and their new baby sibling.

He’s shirking all his responsibilities to his children from his previous relationship to his ex-partner and now also you. Why are you both allowing that? He needs to stop having children if he can’t work out how to parent them effectively.

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:49

Lol, I am forgetting you are precious first baby stage. Talk to me when you have four DC under age 7 to handle. Taking care of a baby plus a 9yr old is as easy as breathing.

Speak for yourself. I'm knackered after looking after my 9 year old niece for a couple of hours. If I had a baby to care for on top of that it would be even harder.

Thankfully my DH doesn't palm his responsibilities off on me 🙂

girlmom21 · 06/09/2021 19:52

It's not unreasonable for him to switch his schedule around a couple of nights a week.

I don't know why some people are giving the OP such a hard time. Yes she knew he had children and she knew he had work commitments but neither of those are the issue. The issue is automatically taking on all of the 'wife work' responsibilities, including caring for his children, while he continues to do the same amount of work he's always done.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 19:53

Whatever, I just think it is very sad that OP views her step children as nothing to do with her and is seriously considering making unrealistic demands just to get her way of keeping them constrained to weekend visits only. The child will definitely understand that OP doesn’t want them in the house and has no interest in them. It’s not that much effort to mind a 9yr old for 4hrs on an afternoon. That’s my opinion, and I stand by it. Time with any child in the family is a gift, not a burden.

TurquoiseDragon · 06/09/2021 19:53

@PlanDeRaccordement

Realistically, it is what 3-4hrs one week night after school? Why the insistence that DH must be there? If you think you can’t watch a 9yr old, and they don’t need much, then have a babysitter for those hours that DH pays for. Honestly, at 9 I was home alone after school until my parents got home from work around 7pm. I think this is not a hill I would die on. I would try to work something out. It’s hard enough on children going through a divorce without making them feel unwelcome most days of the week.
Because contact is about the child having a relationship with the parent.

That's why the DH needs to be there, to have the relationship with the child.

Cosmois · 06/09/2021 19:55

Welcome to Mumsnet where Stepmums are always in the wrong.

Clymene · 06/09/2021 19:55

Is your husband the father of your children @PlanDeRaccordement?

If he is, it's not the same is it?

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:55

What demands is OP making? Her DH is the one making demands of her time.

Maybe he shouldn't have started a business after already having children if he wanted to see them more!

As a step child, I would say they're more likely to think "dad's business is more important than seeing me".

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:57

Time with any child in the family is a gift, not a burden.

Now I think you're being antagonistic.

Do the school run, cooking and tidying up after my child so I don't have to be inconvenienced.

What a treat indeed!

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 19:58

@Clymene

Is your husband the father of your children *@PlanDeRaccordement*?

If he is, it's not the same is it?

To me it is the same unless you believe in that only blood relation counts in who is family and who is not.
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/09/2021 19:58

He should be free to spend time in his dads home whenever he likes. I never get marrying someone with children then refusing to look after them or have them in the house without their parent being there. They come as a package surely.

Joystir59 · 06/09/2021 20:00

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up
This

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 20:01

@HeckyPeck
Do the school run, cooking and tidying up
Yes that is a treat to me, but also what you do for children in your family. Is the DSS family or not? To me, he is and is equal to the 8mo old baby. But to you lot he is “his child” and nothing to do with OP. Then there is no point calling her a step mother imho if she’s not going to do any mothering of her step children is there?

harriethoyle · 06/09/2021 20:02

OP ignore the same tired old SM bashers on this thread. The majority of PP are absolutely right. Yanbu to say that if dss wants to come over more, dh needs to be around more to parent his child. Good luck getting this resolved, sounds like a robust chat needs to be had asap...