Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't come more often?

353 replies

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 18:35

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 20:26

@Clymene

Fucking hell *@PlanDeRaccordement* - only you could blithely confess that you didn't even look after your own kids while chastising another woman for not wanting to look after someone else's.

I have to hand it to you - your chutzpah is boundless GrinGrin

🤣 good point!
WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 06/09/2021 20:30

I sympathise with your position, OP, but it's your dss's (other) home and if he wants to hang out there (as a PP said, surely if it's mainly to see his friends he won't be too much work), I think he should be able to tbh. He's not a guest and I do think if you are living with someone who has children you need to suck up a bit of ebb and flow and not expect things to be rigidly confined to agreed contact until kingdom come. I also think it may not help your relationship with your dsc or indeed your dh if you are seen to be the one blocking this.

Your dh's hours are actually a separate issue to that IMO, and one you may need to sort regardless of this current issue.

WinTheNight · 06/09/2021 20:30

He sees them every weekend Saturday and Sunday nights. The contact schedule was in place from before we met, I don't know why 50:50 wasn't initially agreed although I would assume it's because of his work (not saying that's right, just saying that's why I would assume).

It’s an unusual arrangement as their mum doesn’t get weekends with them. Unless he gets them late on Saturday in which case he only really sees them one day each week.
It’s not up to you to look after his kids. But I’d be really unhappy with a man who doesn’t really see his children including the one with you.
He can’t expect to be not be around in the mornings or evenings all week to see his kids and the child you have together. I don’t think it’s sustainable. I think even if he only had the child you have together, it’s very unfair on you.

Kisskiss · 06/09/2021 20:31

Yanbu, he is free to see his son more if he wants, but he needs to adjust his schedule for that! Besides, if he still keeps at work till 8pm, he’s hardly going to be seeing him more is he..
My dh works long hours too , so totally sympathetic to being the partner who is expected to do majority of the stuff around the house ( even though yes I work, and I earn more than him ) , it’s lonely AND annoying

MellowBird85 · 06/09/2021 20:31

If I roll my eyes one more time at @PlanDeRaccordement I swear I’m going to go blind. You win at stepmother bingo! Hmm

And you do realise the title “stepmother” is basically just a token word. Like mother-in-law. There are no legalities attached to or any sort of contractual rules as you appear to think there are.

ejhhhhh · 06/09/2021 20:31

Honestly, what's the point of DSS being there an extra night if his dad (the parent he's supposed to be spending time with), is at work? He'll barely see him, and it's a massive ask of the OP would, for the sake of what, half an hour with his dad at most? If DH wants to have his son stay more often to spend time with him, he needs to leave work earlier.

Goldbar · 06/09/2021 20:32

There's a difference between working long hours and paying for childcare and working long hours off the back of the unpaid labour of your partner in caring for your kids.

cuparfull · 06/09/2021 20:33

Imho, as a stepmom myself, my OH's child is like my own, welcome to come the extra time.
But I would be negotiating with this workaholic absent parent, your OH, about getting yourself hired help in the home...

Start as you mean to go on, put provision into place now.

And that will pave the way nicely for your return to work as and when...

cuparfull · 06/09/2021 20:39

But, I wanted to build up a good relationship with my OH's children even tho I am only SM.
You just never know whats round the corner, how life is going to pan out, and to have happy, secure children is surely the best outcome.

LoulaJ · 06/09/2021 20:39

Fucking hell @PlanDeRaccordement - only you could blithely confess that you didn't even look after your own kids while chastising another woman for not wanting to look after someone else's.

😂

TeeBee · 06/09/2021 20:41

Nah, screw that. You're not everyone's lacky. If the parents can't be there to parent, he can't come. End of.

harriethoyle · 06/09/2021 20:43

@Clymene

Fucking hell *@PlanDeRaccordement* - only you could blithely confess that you didn't even look after your own kids while chastising another woman for not wanting to look after someone else's.

I have to hand it to you - your chutzpah is boundless GrinGrin

😂😂🙈🙈
Cherrysoup · 06/09/2021 20:46

Dss wants to see his mates, I imagine, not his dad or sm. I don’t think the OP should have to agree to this because she’d be the primary caregiver, not her dh.

Iamclaracowbell · 06/09/2021 20:48

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He should be free to spend time in his dads home whenever he likes. I never get marrying someone with children then refusing to look after them or have them in the house without their parent being there. They come as a package surely.
There are no resident DCs in this house and DH works odd and sometimes unpredictable hours. If he's working I tend to do my own thing...so in this scenario you'd expect me to stay home every, say, Wednesday night so that DSC could play with their friend down the road, rather than DH arrange never to work on a Weds (which would be tricky, perhaps like OPs DH)? Even though I'd have other things I'd rather be doing? Contact should be agreed between the parents based on what both of them can accomodate, OP's time shouldn't figure unless she actively volunteers it.

Being a SM doesn't mean you constantly have to sacrifice yourself for the good of everyone else ya know. OP isn't saying he's not welcome at all, just that his dad needs to be there too. Children don't generally get to stay home if there's no parent around to look after them unless said parent arranges childcare.

CheekyAFAIK · 06/09/2021 20:48

Has DSS given a reason why he wants to come more often? To see his DH? To see his friends? Possibly hanging out with you is not his main reason.

I think you need to sort out your absent DH who is leaving everything to you. If your DH was around then it wouldn't matter whether DSS came more. You're not unreasonable to not want DSS when DH is not around, you're basically just facilitating his play with friends on your street.

expatmigrant · 06/09/2021 20:49

You're decision to be part of a 'blended' family and marry a guy who had children already. Aren't step-children regarded as 'bonus' children now.
I think you are being unreasonable

Youseethethingis · 06/09/2021 20:51

He's not a guest and I do think if you are living with someone who has children you need to suck up a bit of ebb and flow and not expect things to be rigidly confined to agreed contact until kingdom come
OP hasn't said he's a guest, or that contact can't change, just that she doesn't want to be the one committed to doing all the work. If any sucking up has to be done to facilitate this, it should be down by the actual parent.

WingingItEveryDay7 · 06/09/2021 20:52

I find it really fascinating reading these types of threads. I was the step child and sometimes my SM was left with me and my sister if our dad had to work an extra shift whilst we visited. She didn't seem to mind and took us and her DD out if that was what had been planned. I wonder now if she had these types of conversations and secretly hated having us in tow, I'd feel upset knowing that was the case. Yes, we were there to see our dad but realised that in order for him to afford for us to do stuff (and pay our mum maintenance etc) then he needed to work..... I'm not a SM but know plenty of family/friends who are and they generally love spending time with their SC. If you get into a relationship with someone with kids then you take them on too surely? Obviously you both need to discuss things rather than get told it's happening before it does. It's nice that your DSS wants to spend more time at your house, it shows its a happy place to be, he wouldn't want to visit if it wasn't, trust me!

WinTheNight · 06/09/2021 20:54

You're decision to be part of a 'blended' family and marry a guy who had children already. Aren't step-children regarded as 'bonus' children now.
I think you are being unreasonable

What’s unreasonable is that this man has 3 children and doesn’t make any changes to his working life to see any of them in the week. If this man was taking an active part in parenting and was around more, then I’d agree that as step mum, in the interests of happy families, you may need to have the step kids sometimes. But this man just wants to keep doing the same as he’s always done, why should OP have to compensate for that?

Youseethethingis · 06/09/2021 20:54

You're decision to be part of a 'blended' family and marry a guy who had children already
Was the decision to marry the last one OP was allowed to make for herself.
"I don't want to be stuck doing all the running about for a child who isn't mine every week"
"You have to, you married me, you don't get to decide what to do with your time anymore, my child, ex wife and I decide that"
Yeah, right.

Bollindger · 06/09/2021 20:56

How far from you does DSS live?
Do you like him, is he easy to have around?
If so maybe sometimes, in the holidays if he arranges a play date with his friends , he can come over.
You don't have to be his mum, but it would be nice if you could be his friend, and he could know that he might be welcome.

BlotBangRub · 06/09/2021 20:57

It would be a big fat no from me.
Mine used to come every second weekend, that was enough.
You're not an unpaid childminder op, you've got enough to do with your own.
The most ridiculous term I've heard is blended families.

Youseethethingis · 06/09/2021 20:58

I was the step child and sometimes my SM was left with me and my sister if our dad had to work an extra shift whilst we visited
Sometimes I look after DSD. We have a nice time, I don't resent it, I am my husband's wife and support him when he needs it.
I would resent the hell out of him telling me I'd be looking after her weekly whether I wanted to or not so that he didn't have to change a thing about his life. That's a completely different scenario. I wouldn't be doing it.

Plumtree391 · 06/09/2021 21:01

You could cook just the once, eat with step son and the baby in high chair; leave your husband to heat his when he gets in.

Bathing the baby can be done any time and if the older boy is indoors with you, it's likely he/she will be interested. Babies are often highly entertained by older siblings and there's no reason a baby has to be bathed and put to bed early. they learn to 'muck in' quite early and it's fun to watch.

These are just thoughts, you have to make your own mind up about it.

sociallydistained · 06/09/2021 21:01

💯 if my DP isn’t here (odd occasions circumstances aside) then his child can’t just come over more. Sorry not my child!