Page 2 | To say he can't come more often?

ReturnOfThePedi · 2021-09-06T17:35:13+00:00

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more. I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS. They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS. DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away. However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights. DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants). AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9). I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work. The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

zigzag56445 · 06/09/2021 19:22

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!

In theory, yes, but who looks after him??? That's the dad's responsibility, not the op's. I'm shocked at some of the responses here, typical that the woman has to do everything or be guilt tripped when she knows her own mind and says f that, I'm not your skivvy.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 19:22

I think it’s a bit sad that dad’s new wife thinks of her step children as burdens and doesn’t want one of them over without the dad being there because of “the load”. It just seems to me like you don’t want to have much of a step mother relationship with the DSS. He is 9 after all and 9yr olds are pretty independent. Why is it such a burden if he’s over one night a week and plays with some friends? You’d only be keeping an eye out for a few hours until Dad gets home for the bedtime routine.

I don’t think it’s realistic to tell the Dad to change his hours. Running your own business isn’t like a 9-5 job and you knew he had this work commitment before taking him and the step children on.

I just feel sorry for the 9yr old. It’s like Dad has left and his new wife doesn’t think he’s part of her family because he can only visit when his dad is there.

Original poster

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 19:24

you knew he had this work commitment before taking him and the step children on

Where is his responsibility though? He knew he had children to think about before committing to his business.

OP posts:

WinTheNight · 06/09/2021 19:25

The problem lies with OPs husband. He thinks that he doesn’t have to do any parenting for his 2 children with his ex or for the 8 month old he had with OP accept on weekends.

CassandraTrotter · 06/09/2021 19:25

Id say that would be fine, but your dh had to pick him up and look after him, of course. He needs a parent watching him.

CassandraTrotter · 06/09/2021 19:26

He knew he had children to think about before committing to his business.
But, op, he has a penis!

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 19:26

@ReturnOfThePedi

you knew he had this work commitment before taking him and the step children on

Where is his responsibility though? He knew he had children to think about before committing to his business.

He is being responsible? Children aren’t free you know. You need to make money to raise them and help them get a good start in life.

sHREDDIES19 · 06/09/2021 19:27

I suppose you just need your dp to acknowledge the extra input expected from you and not make assumptions that it will be available without checking with you first. I do think however that as a step parent you should ideally want to spend more time with them and also ensure they bond with their baby sibling? It shouldn’t be a chore if you are all in agreement and suits all parties.

WinTheNight · 06/09/2021 19:27

He expects the women in his life do all weekday parenting, and both women let this happen. What a catch he is.

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:27

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think it’s a bit sad that dad’s new wife thinks of her step children as burdens and doesn’t want one of them over without the dad being there because of “the load”. It just seems to me like you don’t want to have much of a step mother relationship with the DSS. He is 9 after all and 9yr olds are pretty independent. Why is it such a burden if he’s over one night a week and plays with some friends? You’d only be keeping an eye out for a few hours until Dad gets home for the bedtime routine.

I don’t think it’s realistic to tell the Dad to change his hours. Running your own business isn’t like a 9-5 job and you knew he had this work commitment before taking him and the step children on.

I just feel sorry for the 9yr old. It’s like Dad has left and his new wife doesn’t think he’s part of her family because he can only visit when his dad is there.

I am a step child and thankfully my parents wanted to actually parent me and not palm me off on my step parents.

If my dad had agreed for me to come for an extra night, I'd have been more disappointed if he then wasn't actually there and was just working.

CassandraTrotter · 06/09/2021 19:28

Ive had a shot at correcting this for you @PlanDeRaccordement

I just feel sorry for the 9yr old. It’s like Dad has left and his new wife doesn’t think he’s part of her family because he can only visit when his dad is there found someone else to do the parenting for him as he doesn't like being responsible for children at all!

Original poster

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 19:28

You need to make money to raise them and help them get a good start in life

Yes, I know. I also have a job and am aware children need raising, thanks.

If he's always working though he unfortunately can't be here to parent his son can he? Hence why up until now he comes 2 nights a week when DH is available.

But I see the male excusing is strong with you.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 06/09/2021 19:32

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

@ReturnOfThePedi - quite apart from the issue of your DSS... it looks like you are at risk of being on the 'Mommy track'. Are you sure this is what you want?

If it were me, I'd want a more wide-ranging discussion on family responsibilities, career progression for both of you, and where you are all heading, both as a family and as individuals.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 19:32

Realistically, it is what 3-4hrs one week night after school? Why the insistence that DH must be there? If you think you can’t watch a 9yr old, and they don’t need much, then have a babysitter for those hours that DH pays for. Honestly, at 9 I was home alone after school until my parents got home from work around 7pm. I think this is not a hill I would die on. I would try to work something out. It’s hard enough on children going through a divorce without making them feel unwelcome most days of the week.

Original poster

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 19:33

@FlowerArranger

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

@ReturnOfThePedi - quite apart from the issue of your DSS... it looks like you are at risk of being on the 'Mommy track'. Are you sure this is what you want?

If it were me, I'd want a more wide-ranging discussion on family responsibilities, career progression for both of you, and where you are all heading, both as a family and as individuals.

You are right, I've let far too much slip and have been thinking about this subject a lot recently. It's one of the reasons I think agreeing to this is a bad idea, just one more thing that gets put on me which he should be doing.

OP posts:

THisbackwithavengeance · 06/09/2021 19:35

2 issues:

The consensus that your DH is being useless by somehow not being able to run his own business/earn household income and yet at the same time be available at home to do 50% of the housework and childcare.

The theory that SCs are nothing to do with the OP as if she'd been asked to look after a stranger's child off the street. Marriage is about partnership and working together. I cant believe most women on this thread would really be that pissed off at being asked to be in the same house as a 9 year old that is not their own DC until their DH got home. Would it really be that much extra work? At that age, they can pretty much amuse themselves, it's not like you're having to look after a toddler.

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:35

@PlanDeRaccordement

Realistically, it is what 3-4hrs one week night after school? Why the insistence that DH must be there? If you think you can’t watch a 9yr old, and they don’t need much, then have a babysitter for those hours that DH pays for. Honestly, at 9 I was home alone after school until my parents got home from work around 7pm. I think this is not a hill I would die on. I would try to work something out. It’s hard enough on children going through a divorce without making them feel unwelcome most days of the week.

But why do you think OP is the one who has to make all the effort?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2021 19:35

Why wouldn’t he want to spend more time with his son? That’s the answer if he’s keen for DSS to be over more. Is DSS mum aware his dad won’t be around more if she’s otherwise okay to have him less? At 9 it’s better if he’s with either mum or dad for the majority of his time.

Don’t let DH try and make you the bad one if he chooses not to change his hours so he can have more time with his son. You’ve got enough on.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 19:35

@ReturnOfThePedi

You need to make money to raise them and help them get a good start in life

Yes, I know. I also have a job and am aware children need raising, thanks.

If he's always working though he unfortunately can't be here to parent his son can he? Hence why up until now he comes 2 nights a week when DH is available.

But I see the male excusing is strong with you.

I’m not male excusing so much as breadwinner excusing. I’ve always been the one with business trips, long hours, after hours work. I’d be livid if anyone accused me of not parenting my children because I wasn’t home after school every day! I am still a parent and a good one. I think it’s ridiculous and manipulative you can’t care for a step child without their dad being there.

mynameisbrian · 06/09/2021 19:37

i was a step child and had zero interest in seeing my dads partner/wife. so you can all go on about being a step parent and doing your bit but kids want to spend time with their parent

zigzag56445 · 06/09/2021 19:38

Start as you mean to go on OP. Easier to not start than to break the habit once it's established.

Clymene · 06/09/2021 19:39

If you used your partner who isn't their parent to provide unpaid childcare they didn't want to provide while you did your business trips and long hours, then yes, I'd consider you were exploitative @PlanDeRaccordement

Pay for childcare. You don't marry someone to provide unpaid childcare to your children. Well you shouldn't anyway. Sadly it's a recurring theme on MN.

Original poster

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 19:39

Honestly, at 9 I was home alone after school until my parents got home from work around 7pm

Either you were a very grown up 9 year old or DSS is very immature but none of us would ever dream of doing this.

In terms of what it actually entails, school runs, homework, tea cooking (I don't have anything until DH gets home when baby is in bed), keeping an eye on him playing out etc.. all whilst trying to sort baby out with their tea, their bath, their bedtime (which I'm usually part way through by the time DH gets home).

Yes I know it's not impossible, yes I know single parents do it. But I'm not a single parent, and whilst he's a good kid, nor am I his parent either.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 06/09/2021 19:40

@THisbackwithavengeance

2 issues:

The consensus that your DH is being useless by somehow not being able to run his own business/earn household income and yet at the same time be available at home to do 50% of the housework and childcare.

The theory that SCs are nothing to do with the OP as if she'd been asked to look after a stranger's child off the street. Marriage is about partnership and working together. I cant believe most women on this thread would really be that pissed off at being asked to be in the same house as a 9 year old that is not their own DC until their DH got home. Would it really be that much extra work? At that age, they can pretty much amuse themselves, it's not like you're having to look after a toddler.

Where is the partnership when OP is already doing all the weekday childcare of their own child?

Bimblybomeyelash · 06/09/2021 19:42

I don’t think you get to say that he can’t come over more often (I don’t think that is what you are saying!), but of course you can say that you are not going to be picking up/cooking dinner/dealing with bedtime. Your husband is going to have to come up with a solution. After school club/pre prepared (by him) dinners/and home in time to deal with bedtime. He should be trying to make it work if that’s what his son wants, but he shouldn’t just be shifting the load on to you.