To say he can't come more often?

[ReturnOfThePedi]

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

I think some PPs are assuming I resent ever having DSC here when DH is not. That's not the case, I've done that before, I've taken them for days out before etc... It's fine, I am happy to do that occasionally but this is talking about a set commitment of X days every week not just a random outing or an odd occasion in the school holidays.

Tricky one all round I think, and lots of factors to consider.

As a starting point, I do think that their dad's home should be their home too, which means if they say they want to come more often they should be able to. So I think it's not particularly nice to limit them to weekends only, when they've explicitly said they want to come more.

But I also agree that he is their dad, and should be trying to move things around to be able to care for them if they're coming more in the week.

Although, there may be other factors here. You work shorter hours... would you be happy to take on more and work a longer week so he could cut back on his hours and spend more time with the kids?

Is he the higher earner and facilitating your shorter hours. Or is he actually just a workaholic but not making enough to justify the extra hours?

Would you be happy if he cut back hours and the family / his business took a financial hit as a result? Would this be balanced out by less maintenance if the son is staying more often?

Someone upthread mentioned paying for childcare and I suppose that could be an option. Although personally for me, I wouldn't want DH spending money on wraparound care if I was in the house and not working. I'd far rather look after our DSC and we could put that money towards something lovely.

There is also something slightly odd about shipping DSC out to childcare when your spouse is at home and could look after them. Might make them feel less welcomed and like guests rather than family.

My DH has two DDs. If they wanted to come here they would always be welcome. It's their home and I wouldn't ever turn them away.

BUT. We would be having a conversation as partners. Who can look after them. Who can scale back hours. Who can we afford working less. Etc etc. Basically the same conversations we're having now we're trying for our own baby.

He absolutely can't drop you in it and leave you with all the work (either for your shared DC or for DSCs) but also I don't think you can say no to them coming to their own home in the week.

Very tricky and much communication needed to find a solution that works for you as a partnership in terms of load, stress, and finances etc.

@Youseethethingis

I was the step child and sometimes my SM was left with me and my sister if our dad had to work an extra shift whilst we visited Sometimes I look after DSD. We have a nice time, I don't resent it, I am my husband's wife and support him when he needs it. I would resent the hell out of him telling me I'd be looking after her weekly whether I wanted to or not so that he didn't have to change a thing about his life. That's a completely different scenario. I wouldn't be doing it.

I read in the OP she has been asked if they can discuss it. She's asking for advice on how the conversation should go. Didn't get the impression she's been 'told'. In any case, I was making a general comment about step families and you've decided to quote a snippet of it, which takes the whole thing out of context. Glad you have a nice time with your DSD though 😊

@expatmigrant

You're decision to be part of a 'blended' family and marry a guy who had children already. Aren't step-children regarded as 'bonus' children now. I think you are being unreasonable

What about the children's actual parent, though? He knew he had children when he decided to start a business meaning he would never see them. He also knew he had other children he can't see during the week due to his choice of work when he decided to have another one, which he barely sees. It's not OP that's unreasonable here, it's the dad who'd rather work than see his kids. Please explain to me really clearly why it's more OP's responsibility to parent her husband's kids than it is her husband's?

@Youseethethingis

He's not a guest and I do think if you are living with someone who has children you need to suck up a bit of ebb and flow and not expect things to be rigidly confined to agreed contact until kingdom come OP hasn't said he's a guest, or that contact can't change, just that she doesn't want to be the one committed to doing all the work. If any sucking up has to be done to facilitate this, it should be down by the actual parent.

She didn't say it in those words, no, but the very boundaried attitude of only wanting dsc there on the specified contact days and not outwith that does rather cast the dsc in the role of guests. There is simply a degree (IMO) to which the OP doesn't get the final say, necessarily, all the time, on things like this, because the children need and deserve to feel at home in their other parent's home too. I think the 'not my child', 'once every two weeks was enough' attitude (I know that was a PP and not OP, but it does seem to me to be a more extreme expression of a similar attitude) could be quite damaging to all concerned in the long run. Ideally the other parent would be there more, but family life doesn't always work like that.

I think what's key to this, OP, is what you're getting out of the long hours. Very relevant questions from OnceUponAThread there. If your dh is raking it in and enabling you to limit your working hours, and that's the lifestyle the two of you have chosen and you would have no problem with this were it not for the dsc situation, then the benefits you get from that (more time with your child) do come with situational drawbacks (needing to do more for dsc - whose needs, I think, shouldn't be negotiable, and non-regimented access to his home is a need). If the long hours are unprofitable and/or you're not happy with them because of the limits they put on your lives in other ways - lack of active parenting on his part, lack of ability for you to develop your career, no social life because knackered at weekends, whatever - that is an entirely different kettle of fish and he doesn't get to unilaterally decide this is the status quo forever.

I am quite torn by this thread (and other similar tales), as I feel that if you marry someone with children, then you need to accept them completely, if they are happy with that. In my family, I did become ‘mummy’ to my 2 DSS’s, as I married a widower, so it was different, I know. But I had 3 DC’s as well, so quite a heavy load for both of us. We wanted to be a family in every sense of the word. I would never have divided up the ‘child-based chores’ into yours and mine, we just worked hard and got on with life.
I wouldn’t have thought a 9 year old would require too much extra ‘work’ anyway.

OP,
You are returning to work and do most of the care for your baby.

You have enough going on but by all means become skivvy/au pair for a set of parents that are more than happy for you to be a mug.

They have zero respect for your time and work load by suggesting this.

You would be a mug to agree to this.

Your husbands children, his responsibility.

I think isn't your first thread about the expectations placed on you to suck it up whilst on mat leave.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think it’s a bit sad that dad’s new wife thinks of her step children as burdens and doesn’t want one of them over without the dad being there because of “the load”. It just seems to me like you don’t want to have much of a step mother relationship with the DSS. He is 9 after all and 9yr olds are pretty independent. Why is it such a burden if he’s over one night a week and plays with some friends? You’d only be keeping an eye out for a few hours until Dad gets home for the bedtime routine.

I don’t think it’s realistic to tell the Dad to change his hours. Running your own business isn’t like a 9-5 job and you knew he had this work commitment before taking him and the step children on.

I just feel sorry for the 9yr old. It’s like Dad has left and his new wife doesn’t think he’s part of her family because he can only visit when his dad is there.

Fair enough to feel sorry for the 9 year old, but that's down to his dad not being available. It's not OPs fault that this child has a father who, for whatever reason, isn't available to parent more.

I find this sad. If you have a baby with this man his children are now your family. You aren't the childcare or a random woman to them.

Your home is a home to the 9 year old just as much as to the baby.

Can you imagine one day your baby being told can't stay at his dad's because the next wife doesn't want him there.

Wanting to stay at his other home and see his friends is normal and should be part of life.

I am assuming that a large part of the reason that the DSS wants to stay more is because he enjoys the time spent with his father at his house. That is really great obviously. But if he arranges to stay an extra night or two and then barely sees his dad because his dad is working then he will probably be disappointed - he won't be expecting that dynamic because you say your DH always makes sure he's available the nights they stay - as he should!
So I don't think you are unreasonable to want your DH to rearrange his time to be around when they stay. I am sure you are lovely, but they dont come to the house primarily to see you!

I read in the OP she has been asked if they can discuss it. She's asking for advice on how the conversation should go. Didn't get the impression she's been 'told'. In any case, I was making a general comment about step families and you've decided to quote a snippet of it, which takes the whole thing out of context. Glad you have a nice time with your DSD though 😊
Very well, I shall quote your entire post this time. The only point I wanted to address was that occasionally stepping in to help is very different from a long running commitment that many posters seem to feel OP would be bad and wrong to decline, indeed that she gave up the right to decline when she married her husband.
Thank you, I believe I can have a nice time with my DSD because the heavy lifting of parenting her hasn't been generously gifted to me by my husband.

@waterrat

I find this sad. If you have a baby with this man his children are now your family. You aren't the childcare or a random woman to them.

Your home is a home to the 9 year old just as much as to the baby.

Can you imagine one day your baby being told can't stay at his dad's because the next wife doesn't want him there.

Wanting to stay at his other home and see his friends is normal and should be part of life.

It's not that she "doesn't want him there". She just doesn't want to be responsible for his care. That's the job of his parents.

My home wasn't my stepkids home, they had a home with their mother, and I certainly wouldn't have had childcare costs coming out of our money for them. Why would anyone do that when already a chunk of money is being paid out for maintenance.
Stick to your guns op, you've got enough to do.

Can you imagine one day your baby being told can't stay at his dad's because the next wife doesn't want him there
I can imagine anyone who isn't his father exercising their right to not look after my son. Can't you imagine that? Really, really try?

On the fence. If dss friends are all in the street then couldn't his mum drop him off after dinner then his dad drop him back to his mums at bedtime?

No DH=no DSC. They should come to spend time with their dad so no dad no point. You are 100%right

Time with any child in the family is a gift, not a burden.

You've not met my nephew

YANBU.

HE needs to commit to being there when HIS SON is there.

You have an 8-month and you are not his son's mother. Am sure she is very happy to hand over more time to your DH but make sure it is not just handed over to YOU.

Can you imagine one day your baby being told can't stay at his dad's because the next wife doesn't want him there.

But that isn't the reason. It would be because he dad would rather be working ridiculous hours than see him.

YANBU OP. I agree with you.

@jerometheturnipking

Time with any child in the family is a gift, not a burden.

You've not met my nephew

😂 this tickled me

Can you imagine one day your baby being told can't stay at his dad's because the next wife doesn't want him there

It’s not him being there that’s the issue, it’s the fact that the dad won’t be home til gone 8pm so all needs will need to be met by OP. OP has already said she is happy to look after him herself sometimes just not willing to commit to a regular thing, that’s for his parents to sort out between them. I think if he was older and not need looking after as such, then of course he should be welcome whenever as it’s his home.

I don't get everyone saying that it's not his 'home' if he can't come whenever he likes.

My home is my young child's home...but they can't be in it without me or another responsible adult because they require childcare.

Equally, the OP's DSS cannot be in his dad's home if there isn't someone there to provide childcare. Because he presumably needs to be collected from school and, although he doesn't require supervision in the way that a toddler would, there needs to be someone around the house for him and to cook dinner and put him to bed. The OP can't agree that he can come since it's "his home" and then bugger off out of the house to visit a friend or stay with her parents overnight if she wants to, leaving a 9yo alone in the house.

It's the parents who are responsible for providing childcare for their children in their home. If children are young enough to require childcare, arguments about "it's their home, they should always be welcome" are slightly irrelevant. Because it's not just a home they need, but also a responsible adult. And the OP shouldn't be volunteered to be that responsible adult on a regular basis against her wishes.

@Goldbar

I don't get everyone saying that it's not his 'home' if he can't come whenever he likes.

My home is my young child's home...but they can't be in it without me or another responsible adult because they require childcare.

Equally, the OP's DSS cannot be in his dad's home if there isn't someone there to provide childcare. Because he presumably needs to be collected from school and, although he doesn't require supervision in the way that a toddler would, there needs to be someone around the house for him and to cook dinner and put him to bed. The OP can't agree that he can come since it's "his home" and then bugger off out of the house to visit a friend or stay with her parents overnight if she wants to, leaving a 9yo alone in the house.

It's the parents who are responsible for providing childcare for their children in their home. If children are young enough to require childcare, arguments about "it's their home, they should always be welcome" are slightly irrelevant. Because it's not just a home they need, but also a responsible adult. And the OP shouldn't be volunteered to be that responsible adult on a regular basis against her wishes.

Excellent post