To say he can't come more often?

[ReturnOfThePedi]

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

YANBU.

This is for DSS parents to resolve.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He should be free to spend time in his dads home whenever he likes. I never get marrying someone with children then refusing to look after them or have them in the house without their parent being there. They come as a package surely.

My DSD is free to come whenever she likes. DH would work around it.

I work and then have hobbies after work every day. I wouldn't stop my hobbies to have DSD more. I had my hobbies before meeting DH, so he knew what he was getting when he married me 😉

Lol, I am forgetting you are precious first baby stage. Talk to me when you have four DC under age 7 to handle. Taking care of a baby plus a 9yr old is as easy as breathing.

Guessing your DC? That you chose to have? Who you are a mother to?

I never get marrying someone and automatically thinking they are only there to serve you and make your life easier.

Also love how you assume DH must be the breadwinner, please point me to where I said he was? why did you assume that? Because he's a man maybe? Anyway, enough of going round in circles with Plan. I am aware they are notorious for arguing with a brick wall on almost every thread.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@HeckyPeck
Do the school run, cooking and tidying up
Yes that is a treat to me, but also what you do for children in your family. Is the DSS family or not? To me, he is and is equal to the 8mo old baby. But to you lot he is “his child” and nothing to do with OP. Then there is no point calling her a step mother imho if she’s not going to do any mothering of her step children is there?[/quote]
Maybe some people enjoy doing all that. Most parents I know find those things to be a chore.

The mothering part seems to only ever work one way as a step parent.

You're expected to take on all the responsibility but have no say over raising the child. It just isn't the same as having your own child.

@ReturnOfThePedi

Lol, I am forgetting you are precious first baby stage. Talk to me when you have four DC under age 7 to handle. Taking care of a baby plus a 9yr old is as easy as breathing.

Guessing your DC? That you chose to have? Who you are a mother to?

You similarly chose to marry a man with children. You chose to become a step mother. Now you don’t want the responsibility of being a step mother by refusing to care for a step child of yours.

@Youseethethingis

I never get marrying someone and automatically thinking they are only there to serve you and make your life easier.

Maybe I've been thinking about it all wrong.

I will add my DH to the mucking out schedule for my horses.

He knew I had them when he married me after all.

🐴💩

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!

This is ridiculous! I often find myself not siding with SMS, but the OP is not being unreasonable at all! Unreal.

To me, he is and is equal to the 8mo old baby
Yes, to their father I'm sure they are equal. To OP, her 8 month old has no equal.
But to you lot he is “his child” and nothing to do with OP
Legally, this is an accurate statement.
Then there is no point calling her a step mother imho if she’s not going to do any mothering of her step children is there?
Bravo to that. I hate that the term for me is "step mother". I don't need or want to be mothering anyone apart from my DS. DSD and her actual parents are in agreement too.

Lol, I am forgetting you are precious first baby stage. Talk to me when you have four DC under age 7 to handle. Taking care of a baby plus a 9yr old is as easy as breathing.

That's passive aggressive obnoxiousness at it's best

OP, ignore all the Mother Earth crap
(Stand your ground and then get back on an even footing before you end up a SAHP and fully dependent on your DH)

But in summary, you are most definitely not BU

Increasing contact time with his parent should be that. No offence to you at all but DSS comes to your house to be with DH. Not to see you. Maybe dh should be reminded that this is what contact is for

I am floating the idea that @PlanDeRaccordement is actually the Bio Mum in this situation and has planned nefarious deeds for her expected extra free weekday evenings hence the desire to bash OP with anything possible (evil stepmother OP ) to get DSS out of the house.

Now you don’t want the responsibility of being a step mother by refusing to care for a step child of yours

Did you make the rules on what responsibilities are a step mothers?

Absolutely NBU - not even a tiny bit. His kids - his responsibility. If he wants to increase contact time he looks after them.

Bravo to that. I hate that the term for me is "step mother". I don't need or want to be mothering anyone apart from my DS. DSD and her actual parents are in agreement too.

Absolutely, I've no issue if people want to refer to me as DHs wife instead of step mother, no problem at all.

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!

Keys in the words ‘they are his children’

They already have two parents, they don’t need a third, and why should the op look after the children of two other adults? By all means the kids stay, but one of their parents parent them, not expect someone else to
do it

@Namechangedzzz

Increasing contact time with his parent should be that. No offence to you at all but DSS comes to your house to be with DH. Not to see you. Maybe dh should be reminded that this is what contact is for

Well exactly, I'm not even sure what the benefit to anyone would be? Or if DSS has even realised that would likely be the case.

@ReturnOfThePedi

Bravo to that. I hate that the term for me is "step mother". I don't need or want to be mothering anyone apart from my DS. DSD and her actual parents are in agreement too.

Absolutely, I've no issue if people want to refer to me as DHs wife instead of step mother, no problem at all.

Me too - I hate the term. I've been with DP 6 years and not once have i been referred to as step mum - neither I nor they want me to be this! I'm just dad's partner.

I don’t think you’ve answered why he doesn’t have 50/50 contact, unless I’ve missed it? And is it every weekend or every other he sees his children?

I get how you feel and don't think you are unreasonable. However if your step son wants to stay at yours particularly to see friends on your road, won't he and friends be amusing themselves with you just providing food - which you would presumably doing anyway?

It's difficult to say as I don't know all of you. My son used to play with a couple of children of neighbours, they'd be at it almost as soon as they all got home from school; in good weather, out in the back gardens until late. Came in the back door for food, which was cooked every evening, then out in garden again. Great fun. When weather changed, indoors in his room or our other room. It didn't inconvenience me. However I realise it may be different for you.

In theory, your husband needs to be there when his children are. You have a young baby which adds to it all.

I think it really depends what your step son is like and how much actual 'looking after' he needs.

I'd be inclined to say, "No", if husband is scheduled to be staying away.

@WinTheNight

I don’t think you’ve answered why he doesn’t have 50/50 contact, unless I’ve missed it? And is it every weekend or every other he sees his children?

He sees them every weekend Saturday and Sunday nights. The contact schedule was in place from before we met, I don't know why 50:50 wasn't initially agreed although I would assume it's because of his work (not saying that's right, just saying that's why I would assume).

"Of course DSS can come more often. And since you'll be home to do school pick-up, dinner and bedtime for DSS, you can also do nursery pick-up, dinner and bed for our DC too. And I can use that evening to see my friends/go to the gym/have a break since you're never around the rest of the time to do your share. That will go some of the way to making up for our presently uneven set-up".

Fucking hell @PlanDeRaccordement - only you could blithely confess that you didn't even look after your own kids while chastising another woman for not wanting to look after someone else's.

I have to hand it to you - your chutzpah is boundless

@HeckyPeck

YANBU at all.

If he wants to see his son more, he actually needs to be around to see him, plus pick up the extra work that creates.

It's not fair for him to just pile on extra work for you when you're already doing most of the current work!

This.