Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad that all other kids were given something by visiting relatives apart from my son?

156 replies

mummabubs · 06/09/2021 12:06

I will completely own that I am delightfully hormonal following a recent birth and there is also a little bit of a backstory with me feeling like my firstborn is treated differently by other members of my DH's family compared to the other grandchildren already, which I guess is relevant to this. But big girl pants on, I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable!

This is all beautifully outing, but I don't have the energy to try and change details... DH's aunt and uncle visited us at my in-laws' house over the weekend, we haven't seen them for about 2 years now due to COVID and their visits being an annual thing anyway. DSIL, BIL and our two nieces were there too. (Hope that all makes sense!) We have a 4 year old DS and a 15 week old DD. DH aunt is renowned for being 'blunt' as she puts it, and in usual form breezes into the room, coos over our DD saying how beautiful she is and follows this up with "I really like girls, but I can't stand boys, never have". She then says how she likes babies but doesn't like children. Arguably quite tactless, but I politely laughed this off and told my DS to cover his ears. They brought out a lovely gift for our DD which is very kind of them and we genuinely appreciated it and thanked them. Then goodie bags come out for my two nieces who are 4 and 7, nothing big but a token something for them both. The conversation then moves on and it becomes really clear that there is nothing for my 4 year old son. To be clear, the gift for DD was an item of baby clothing so definitely not something that could have been a joint gift for her and DS.

To be honest I didn't expect a gift for DD at all and it was very kind of them, but I was left feeling really quite sad later that my DS had been left out given his cousins were then given something too. Equality amongst the children is important to me (which is where the backstory of me already feeling like he's not shown as much interest as the girls is relevant). DH aunt has always been open about being blunt in what she says and does and attributes this to her cultural upbringing, although my feelings on this are that her brothers (so my FiL included) are not like this at all and if I'm honest I think it's just rude. I'm feeling brave, AIBU to be feeling sensitive about the situation or was it likely a complete oversight on their part and I'm just looking for ways to validate my feelings of him being treated differently?

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Teacupsandtoast · 06/09/2021 12:09

No that's awful, what a fucking rude bitch. I'm surprised your inlaws didnt pull her up on it

MegaClutterSlut · 06/09/2021 12:10

Yanbu, thats really shitty of her imo

youdoyoutoday · 06/09/2021 12:12

She's a rude dick especially handing over presents in front of your son.

People like this are best avoided

LaBellina · 06/09/2021 12:14

That was really mean of her.
I wouldn’t want such people around my DC anymore.

Horehound · 06/09/2021 12:15

Rude.

NoSquirrels · 06/09/2021 12:15

She’s a rude cow.

Next time, point out that DS is a person with feelings not “just a boy” in some abstract sense.

How awful.

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 06/09/2021 12:16

Very nasty to leave one child out.

If it's her culture to be 'blunt', then be blunt about this to her. Tell her that she either treats all the children equally on a visit (gift for all or gift for none) as it was unkind to leave one child out, or she doesn't visit again.

Scarby9 · 06/09/2021 12:16

My grandma turned up after my younger brother's birth with a gift for me (then 20 months) but nothing for him. Bit odd but fair enough, he was a baby and didn't know.

When he was 20 monthsish, the same happened again when they came to stay. Present for me, nothing for him.

My dad told grandma in no uncertain terms that they were happy with no gifts at all, but if there were any gifts, there had to be gifts for both children.

She never did it again. Presents for both.

Seeline · 06/09/2021 12:16

That is horrible.

I wouldn't be making an effort to see her again, and I would be telling her why. In fact I would return the gift that she gave your DD.

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/09/2021 12:17

Dreadful behaviour by this woman.

Here's what I would do now in your place: tell DS that visiting auntie was embarrassed that she left his gift at home and has sent it to you to give to him. Give him a gift. No reason why he should feel bad because she's entirely thoughtless.

Tal45 · 06/09/2021 12:19

She basically said she didn't like your son right in front his face, then left him out the present giving. No child needs to feel rejected like that so I wouldn't be seeing her again.

Zealois · 06/09/2021 12:21

Ah, that's nasty. I think it'd be fair enough to not have her around your children again!

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 12:22

I think you need to be prepared to stop this happening next time. If she gives a gift just for DD, hand it back and say it wouldn't be fair to accept a present just for dd, and that there's no need for presents.

LizBennet · 06/09/2021 12:23

Mean cow, I would have been hurt too.

Stormyequine · 06/09/2021 12:25

What a complete cow. Your poor DS. How did he react? I would be actively avoiding her. That is an appalling attitude.

Miracle29 · 06/09/2021 12:25

Your poor little ds! If she is a blunt kind of person and very open about it that's fair enough BUT not infront of a child thats absolutely disgusting. I agree with others I'd send the gift back explaining why and tell her she's upset your ds and not to see them again. If she can't treat them all equally don't treat them at all. I could never buy 1 child and leave the other out.

mummabubs · 06/09/2021 12:27

I was a little scared to open the thread incase it was all responses telling me to harden up 😅
Thanks all. I'm partly relieved that to be honest we really don't have to see them that often at all. I guess my main concern was that DS is on the cusp of understanding what's going on with things like this and whilst I'm acutely aware of all the subtle and not-so-subtle differences between how he and his cousins are treated I just hope he's never put in a position to notice it. I couldn't stand it if he felt it too. ☹️

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 06/09/2021 12:27

YANBU! That is really shitty of her.

If she can give out blunt talking then she should be prepared to take it back.

Get her told that it's no presents or presents for both. She also needs to be told that she had better not say anything negative about boys in front of your son!

LagunaBubbles · 06/09/2021 12:27

This isn't acceptable. He might only be 4 now but he will grow up and the message this sends out is horrible.

SantaIsReal · 06/09/2021 12:28

What a nasty piece of work she is! This was deliberately done considering she bought a present for your 4 year old niece and not him. I would hand the gift for your DD back and say you don't accept presents from people like her. Really feel for your DS here, he must have been so confused Sad

seaandsandcastles · 06/09/2021 12:29

YANBU but you really should have said something and pointed out how unacceptable this behaviour is and make sure they know you won’t tolerate it.

WIS76 · 06/09/2021 12:29

No definitely not being over sensitive, that's a shitty and rude thing to do to any child I'm sorry for your boy xx

leavesthataregreen · 06/09/2021 12:30

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

Very nasty to leave one child out.

If it's her culture to be 'blunt', then be blunt about this to her. Tell her that she either treats all the children equally on a visit (gift for all or gift for none) as it was unkind to leave one child out, or she doesn't visit again.

This is great advice. If she is so proud of being blunt, be blunt back and say it's utterly insensitive of her not to realise how hurtful it is to leave out one child. Bring no presents or something for everyone next time.

We had a relative a bit like this. Had an obvious favourite between our two sons. I told my son it was the relative's problem, not my son's and always had an extra treat waiting for him in case of unfairness.

MerryHellbreakingloose · 06/09/2021 12:30

Oh, that's really sad. I'd hate anyone to treat my son like that. You need to stand up for him, really. He's not second to his cousins and no one should treat him like that.

WIS76 · 06/09/2021 12:30

@RightOnTheEdge

YANBU! That is really shitty of her.

If she can give out blunt talking then she should be prepared to take it back.

Get her told that it's no presents or presents for both. She also needs to be told that she had better not say anything negative about boys in front of your son!

Absolutely do this!
Swipe left for the next trending thread