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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that all other kids were given something by visiting relatives apart from my son?

156 replies

mummabubs · 06/09/2021 12:06

I will completely own that I am delightfully hormonal following a recent birth and there is also a little bit of a backstory with me feeling like my firstborn is treated differently by other members of my DH's family compared to the other grandchildren already, which I guess is relevant to this. But big girl pants on, I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable!

This is all beautifully outing, but I don't have the energy to try and change details... DH's aunt and uncle visited us at my in-laws' house over the weekend, we haven't seen them for about 2 years now due to COVID and their visits being an annual thing anyway. DSIL, BIL and our two nieces were there too. (Hope that all makes sense!) We have a 4 year old DS and a 15 week old DD. DH aunt is renowned for being 'blunt' as she puts it, and in usual form breezes into the room, coos over our DD saying how beautiful she is and follows this up with "I really like girls, but I can't stand boys, never have". She then says how she likes babies but doesn't like children. Arguably quite tactless, but I politely laughed this off and told my DS to cover his ears. They brought out a lovely gift for our DD which is very kind of them and we genuinely appreciated it and thanked them. Then goodie bags come out for my two nieces who are 4 and 7, nothing big but a token something for them both. The conversation then moves on and it becomes really clear that there is nothing for my 4 year old son. To be clear, the gift for DD was an item of baby clothing so definitely not something that could have been a joint gift for her and DS.

To be honest I didn't expect a gift for DD at all and it was very kind of them, but I was left feeling really quite sad later that my DS had been left out given his cousins were then given something too. Equality amongst the children is important to me (which is where the backstory of me already feeling like he's not shown as much interest as the girls is relevant). DH aunt has always been open about being blunt in what she says and does and attributes this to her cultural upbringing, although my feelings on this are that her brothers (so my FiL included) are not like this at all and if I'm honest I think it's just rude. I'm feeling brave, AIBU to be feeling sensitive about the situation or was it likely a complete oversight on their part and I'm just looking for ways to validate my feelings of him being treated differently?

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 06/09/2021 12:31

Goodness, no excuses. Bluntness is just another word for rude!

I wouldn't have my children around her and would be tempted (though probably not brave enough to) bluntly tell her why.

Awful woman.

GoodGrief100 · 06/09/2021 12:32

She sounds delightful - another person who proudly wears the 'blunt and proud badge' when really all they are is a bitch.

Thankfully she doesn't visit often but I'd have a small present stashed away for next time to present your son with in front of her so he doesn't feel so left out.

HeartsAndClubs · 06/09/2021 12:34

Admitting she’s blunt is synonymous for “I’m a complete bitch but as I warned you about it you shouldn’t take offence.

If she can be blunt then I’d assume she knows what blunt is and that she can take it. Would tell her that you’ve always hated bitches who are so openly bitches, can’t stand them actually and never have been able to. After all that’s essentially what she said about your DS.

And then I’d tell her that given she’s so prepared to admit she hates a child in front of said child she needn’t be hoping she’ll be coming round again or that she’ll ever see the little girl she loves so much ever again.

And no, I wouldn’t be buying DS a present and making excuses for her. I’d tell him she’s just not a very nice person. It’s perfectly ok for children to be told that some people, even those known to them, just aren’t nice people.

And then I’d never see or speak to the miserable cunt again.

HeartsAndClubs · 06/09/2021 12:37

Thankfully she doesn't visit often but I'd have a small present stashed away for next time to present your son with in front of her so he doesn't feel so left out. oh I wouldn’t. Or if you did I’d say “I bought you a present DS because auntie just isn’t a very nice person so she does these things.”

I certainly wouldn’t cover for her.

If she’s blunt then she can take blunt back. No sympathy if she can’t.

And no, culture isn’t an excuse.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/09/2021 12:39

Poor little boy, what a witch she is to do that to him! Shock

I wouldn't be entertaining visits from her again, ever. Or making any effort to see her when she visits your ILs.

Fuck me, I can't bear people who pull shit like that. :(

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 06/09/2021 12:39

YANBU. Can you imagine if an uncle came round and said he didn't like girls and then gave out gifts to all the boys and ignored the niece? So wrong to do this around children because they learn from it. No child should feel like they're less important than siblings and cousins and not for something like what sex they are.

TheChip · 06/09/2021 12:45

Yanbu. A similar situation happened to me years ago, when two of my children received nothing, where as one did. I couldnt help myself and told my dsis what an absolute bitch she was. Considering she worked with children etc. For her to do that to her own niece and nephew annoyed the shit out of me. Especially when she was giving gifts to children she wasn't related to at the same time!
Even if it was a bar of chocolate, that would have done, even 50p! It's not the gift, or lack of, that's the problem. It's the feeling of being left out the kids would feel that's the issue.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 06/09/2021 12:45

What a unpleasant thing fir her to have done.
I'd say something about it too her.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 06/09/2021 12:45

To*

Coronawireless · 06/09/2021 12:46

I mean, did you actually talk to her about this? She sounds elderly and maybe comes from a time or culture where girls were less valued in her day. She may be trying to overcompensate and if she is not used to young children it may not have occurred to her that your son would mind. Why not ask her instead of simply failing to communicate?

liltreasuretree · 06/09/2021 12:47

This is really sad, you are definitely not being unreasonable in the slightest. I imagine at 4, your DS was probably aware that he didn't receive a gift when his cousins were gifted in front of his eyes.

I feel my inlaws are very much like yours. Although we literally never see them as they live far away so it doesn't directly affect my children (both similar ages to yours) but MIL will post photos of the other grandchildren that she's stolen from Facebook (because she doesn't see the others either) and will post them on her own newsfeed and profile pics etc and never any of our children. Some people are just not worth worrying about, but it's extremely cruel and unkind when done directly to the child.

Congratulations on your little one btw xx

GoodGrief100 · 06/09/2021 12:48

@Coronawireless

I mean, did you actually talk to her about this? She sounds elderly and maybe comes from a time or culture where girls were less valued in her day. She may be trying to overcompensate and if she is not used to young children it may not have occurred to her that your son would mind. Why not ask her instead of simply failing to communicate?
Or....she's just a bitch and doesn't really deserve a polite conversation.
ClawedButler · 06/09/2021 12:50

Funny how "blunt" people really don't like it when others are blunt with them! "I speak as I find" and "I'm just being honest" both mean, as we all know, "I am an arsehole", they don't value actual honesty, they value being able to say whatever smear of manure dribbles across their nasty minds and then blaming others for not liking it.

Your poor son, I really hope he didn't pick up on this.

1WayOrAnother2 · 06/09/2021 12:51

Your relations were rude and unkind to your son.

To protecting your son from them in future while he is young (if you have to meet them in a situation where they might be handing out some presents): keep something really special wrapped up in your bag for him.

Young children don't mind very much who gives them the present - just what it is and whether they get one when everyone else does. He won't be hurt if he has something better (for him) than anything the girls were given.

Walkingalot · 06/09/2021 12:53

What a horrible woman! If ever it happens again, hand back the present for your DD and tell her that it's totally unfair to give one child a present and not another. Your DS doesn't need people like this in his life so avoid them at all costs.

RedMarauder · 06/09/2021 12:54

She's a bitch.

Not very hard to buy sweets and chocolates from a petrol station or whatever on the way to give to your DS .

GemmaRuby · 06/09/2021 12:54

What did your DH say/do about this?
It’s his aunt.. was she horrible to him when he was growing up because he was a boy?

Jumpingintosummer · 06/09/2021 12:56

That would be the last time I took my children to in laws when she was coming.

InTheCludgie · 06/09/2021 12:57

@ClawedButler

Funny how "blunt" people really don't like it when others are blunt with them! "I speak as I find" and "I'm just being honest" both mean, as we all know, "I am an arsehole", they don't value actual honesty, they value being able to say whatever smear of manure dribbles across their nasty minds and then blaming others for not liking it.

Your poor son, I really hope he didn't pick up on this.

This.

People who are blunt and proud of it are nothing but insensitive fuckers, but would no doubt be quick to take offence if you dared stand up to them.

BoredZelda · 06/09/2021 12:57

Seems to be a spate of relatives leaving one person out of gift giving.

Buy your son a wee gift and move on.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 06/09/2021 12:58

Come Xmas I would consider whether you Hate Aunts and remove her from any Xmas list...

TonTonMacoute · 06/09/2021 12:58

YANBU

She sounds ghastly! Not sure it's worth wasting too much of your time stressing too much about it though. What goes around comes around, she will get her just desserts in due course.

ActonSquirrel · 06/09/2021 13:00

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

Very nasty to leave one child out.

If it's her culture to be 'blunt', then be blunt about this to her. Tell her that she either treats all the children equally on a visit (gift for all or gift for none) as it was unkind to leave one child out, or she doesn't visit again.

You can't tell her who to buy presents for ffs.

You can decide not to see her again!

Muchasgracias · 06/09/2021 13:02

OP, send her this in a thank you note:

Dear RudeAunt,

Thank you very much for the lovely outfit you bought for Baby. It was kind of you to think of her. You will be pleased to hear that it fits DS's favourite teddy perfectly! DS saw his cousins also receive gifts and, assuming that he hadn't been left out, decided that the outfit must be for him and Baby to share. Lol, he is delighted with teddy's new clothes!!

Sincerely, mummabubs

She's so rude to leave a 4yr old out in those circumstances.

StoppinBy · 06/09/2021 13:05

Terrible behaviour. As a PP said, I would cover fr her this time by saying in private that she was really embarrassed about forgetting his gift at home and that she had posted it and give him a gift that you buy.

Going forward she would not be welcome in my house, no one would treat my child like that and then be welcome to darken my door again.

If your PIL would see the unfairness in this I would speak to them and ask that they mention the behaviour to her in private to give her a chance to save face and apologise without disrupting the family relationships.