To feel sad that all other kids were given something by visiting relatives apart from my son?

[mummabubs]

I will completely own that I am delightfully hormonal following a recent birth and there is also a little bit of a backstory with me feeling like my firstborn is treated differently by other members of my DH's family compared to the other grandchildren already, which I guess is relevant to this. But big girl pants on, I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable!

This is all beautifully outing, but I don't have the energy to try and change details... DH's aunt and uncle visited us at my in-laws' house over the weekend, we haven't seen them for about 2 years now due to COVID and their visits being an annual thing anyway. DSIL, BIL and our two nieces were there too. (Hope that all makes sense!) We have a 4 year old DS and a 15 week old DD. DH aunt is renowned for being 'blunt' as she puts it, and in usual form breezes into the room, coos over our DD saying how beautiful she is and follows this up with "I really like girls, but I can't stand boys, never have". She then says how she likes babies but doesn't like children. Arguably quite tactless, but I politely laughed this off and told my DS to cover his ears. They brought out a lovely gift for our DD which is very kind of them and we genuinely appreciated it and thanked them. Then goodie bags come out for my two nieces who are 4 and 7, nothing big but a token something for them both. The conversation then moves on and it becomes really clear that there is nothing for my 4 year old son. To be clear, the gift for DD was an item of baby clothing so definitely not something that could have been a joint gift for her and DS.

To be honest I didn't expect a gift for DD at all and it was very kind of them, but I was left feeling really quite sad later that my DS had been left out given his cousins were then given something too. Equality amongst the children is important to me (which is where the backstory of me already feeling like he's not shown as much interest as the girls is relevant). DH aunt has always been open about being blunt in what she says and does and attributes this to her cultural upbringing, although my feelings on this are that her brothers (so my FiL included) are not like this at all and if I'm honest I think it's just rude. I'm feeling brave, AIBU to be feeling sensitive about the situation or was it likely a complete oversight on their part and I'm just looking for ways to validate my feelings of him being treated differently?

Thanks all.

Oh we have a relative like this. We had boys. So we just never saw them again and tbh, we didnt miss them.

DS went to a primary school and had a teacher like this.
Sadly he was in her class for three years.... This teacher made no secret of disliking boys.

Wether she was an ''Old retainer'' I'll never know, but she was cruel and spiteful to my son, and other boys.

She too liked ti think she was ''Being blunt''.

Being a &8nt , more like.

What a cow. Next time she makes her annual visit refuse to see her. She would have got her head in her hands if she acted like that in my house.

Your son will be fine unless you take it personally and he picks up on that. It is clearly not about you or your son. She is clearly just rude.

Return the gift and quietly don't see her again. If your son asks about it explain that it has nothing to do with him as a person, she is just a strange and mean person but he doesn't have to see her again. Demonstrate to your child that he can have boundaries around nasty people but laugh about it too. Show him that other people's thoughts about him are often nothing to do with him.

That is awful particularly because one of your nieces is the same age as your DS so it must have been really obvious that he was the only one she ignored. It is difficult as obviously no one is entitled to presents but it is expected that the gift giver is fair and on this occasion she definitely wasn't. I also think a new baby gift is ok but it is the disparity in the way she treats your DS and your DNs that would annoy me. I think I would have drawn attention to it and said to your DS (very loudly) oh Auntie and Uncle so and so have left you out so we will pick something up for you at the shops so you get the same as DNs.

@EmpressSuiko

Did no one say anything when she did this? None of the other adults present? I certainly wouldn’t let that slide at all! She is incredibly mean and rude!

Five other adults present, all relatives. It's partly why I questioned whether I was being overly sensitive as this seemed like an acceptable situation to everyone else 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

@oakleaffy we had a teacher like that aswell she hated boys. My son needed extra help at the time and she was the one who was meant to be helping but he came home once and said he felt bullied by her as did a few other boys. We never understood why because she had sons herself! Makes my blood boil when people treat kids so differently.

How was this not raised at the time?

because OP was shocked and hadn't worked out how to handle the situation and felt at a disadvatange becuase it's her DH family?

because she didn't want to draw attention to the situation and upset her DS - and from her posts clearly hoped he hadn't noticed (though agree with PP he probably did)

As this is a rarely seen Great Aunty - I'd avoid all future interactions or try IL and/or DH to see if they'll intercede on your DS behalf - though whether I'd trust that would depend on how well that went.

Sometime mishandling a situation even when someone is clearly being a rude fucker can put you in the wrong in wider families eyes and make a situation much worse. So I think the OP waiting talking to her DH than asking on here how to handle going forward rather than blowing up in the moment is probably quite good way to handel situation as so much can depends on the family dynamics.

Either you don't visit them next year or you get in advance warning in - "we treat our children the same, if you can't then it's best we don't see you."

I don't think you or your children need to spend any more time with her. I'd return your dd's gift.

It’s not too late to tell your son that this particular aunt was cruel and that it’s not kind to exclude others. Let him know that what she did was wrong, we can’t always think on the spot to defend our kids. She sounds nasty.

So whose sister is she - MIL's or FIL's? And is whichever is the sibling similar in outlook, or do they not do this sexist favouritism?

I'm really irritated that they all just stood back and let it go, tbh.

I mean, I can understand to some extent why SIL didn't say anything as her kids weren't left out, so not her position to rock the boat - but the sibling of said Aunt should have pulled her up on it!

My mum has form for favouritism. She's got,away with it for years with my sisters children. I don't accept one gift (unless it is a birthday). She can treat both or neither.

I think it’s unrealistic of posters to upbraid the op on not challenging this at the time. I mean really who would do that at a family gathering! Would be utter cringe and a shouting match / bad feeling would upset a 4 year old more than the lack of gift and would be a horrid memory for him. I would explain to him some grown ups can be mean and silly and we won’t be seeing her again. Returning the gift would make you look abit mental.

@MrsScrubbithatescleaning

I can’t believe you didn’t say anything at the time as I definitely would have done. You need to send the clothes present back and make it clear why you’re returning it to her.

However, I also think your DH should talk to his brother or sister (whichever it is) and tell them what happened in case they didn’t see it for themselves. There’s no way I’d condone this appalling favouritism from a distant relative and I know my siblings wouldn’t either. I’d be asking my sibling to send back the nieces gifts and telling the aunt that all the family children should be treated equally or not at all.

It's a fair comment. I think at the time I was a bit taken aback as I assumed there would be something for him to follow so didn't say anything. And then it was 5/10 minutes later so felt like the moment had passed if that makes sense? Probably relevant is that DH can't stand conflict - I mean, no one enjoys it do they. His family don't really do communication that well and he actively goes out of his way to avoid saying anything that might upset the status quo within his family. The ironic side effect of all this is that there's lots of hidden conflict bubbling away under the surface from all directions. My family are different in that we feel able to calmly share when there's things we don't agree on or upset us and we know that if we upset eachother it doesn't mean the end of our familial relationships. I've offered to say things to DH's family on several topics in the past and he's asked me not to as he fears how anything seen as a disagreement would be perceived. Out of respect for his wishes and the fact it's not really my family I keep my mouth shut. That's worked fine until we had kids and things happen that may affect them.

What she said is way worse than what she did. I appreciate that you were caught on the hop when you laughed it off, but seriously?' "I don't like boys" in front of your four year old? That's horrific. And if a great uncle said that about girls in front of a daughter, I suspect that you'd have found it harder to laugh it off.

I would be absolutely blunt back at her. I normally avoid confrontation, but I'd absolutely contact her after the fact, with an email or a call. Start off by acknowledging that she says herself that she's always blunt, and so you're sure that she will appreciate you being blunt in return. Then tell her that her saying that in front of her great nephew was entirely unacceptable and hurtful, and that you trust that she will, in future, keep those thoughts to herself, treat him with kindness, and when it comes to gifts and gestures, with equity with his cousins.

I think you summed up the situation brilliantly @randomlyLostInWales (Love the username btw!)

Totally unfair on your poor son. Surely it’s not hard to understand that children get excited by presents and will be hugely disappointed if they are the only one not to get one.

I had similar involving my children’s grandparents. They bought a beautiful present for my daughter (ca. £40) and didn’t have anything for my son so said maybe he could have an item (meant for v young child) she had got second hand. Her response was ‘he gets what he’s given’

Also I do wonder if these “why didn’t you challenge at the time” types would he quite so brave themselves in real life! I am no shrinking violet as I’ve got older but no way would I have called this out in this scenario.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

So whose sister is she - MIL's or FIL's? And is whichever is the sibling similar in outlook, or do they not do this sexist favouritism?

I'm really irritated that they all just stood back and let it go, tbh.

I mean, I can understand to some extent why SIL didn't say anything as her kids weren't left out, so not her position to rock the boat - but the sibling of said Aunt should have pulled her up on it!

FiL's sister. She's got a strong narrative that FiL always got his way growing up (possibly where some of her anti-boy rhetoric comes from?) Truth be told my FiL is a very gentle and polite man so can't really see it myself! He avoids conflict even more than my DH does so doubt that he'd say anything, if he even noticed. There's a strong dynamic on my in-laws side of the women being loud and what they want they get sort of vibe.

That's not just rude, it's cruel. I don't think I would have said anything at the time either because she's not your aunt but I would let your ILs know you don't want to see her again and why.

Horrible old bag, there are no other words !!!

People do tend to advocate NC at the drop of a hat but some things are incredibly damaging to the wellbeing of a child. The 'favourites' game falls into this category for me.

Were this a grandparent I'd allow contact to continue on the strict condition that it stops right now, and the very least of the hardball tactics I'd be inclined to use is to hand back all the gifts (and replace them for the other children at a later point, explaining why), and tell her forcefully that she does not get to play 'golden child' vs. 'scapegoat' games with my children. You are the parent: with the support (hopefully) of your DH you are perfectly within your rights to do this.

A PP said: You can't tell her who to buy presents for ffs.

True, but you as a parent can decline them and thus protect one of your children from being singled out for mistreatment. Exclusion is one of the worst forms of bullying - more damaging still when it happens within families - and you have every right as a parent to put a stop to it. And having just re-looked at your post this isn't even the children's aunt, but DH's?

Hell, no!

I'm angry for you! That's terrible. I've had similar issues with in laws and I wish I'd cut them out for my ds sake. My husband never would deal with it. Disgusting behaviour. People that treat kids like this surely can't be right in the head. Not v helpful, I know.

@MsTSwift

Also I do wonder if these “why didn’t you challenge at the time” types would he quite so brave themselves in real life! I am no shrinking violet as I’ve got older but no way would I have called this out in this scenario.

I agree, also agree with pp I wouldn’t have wanted my son to feel worse about it