To feel sad that all other kids were given something by visiting relatives apart from my son?

[mummabubs]

I will completely own that I am delightfully hormonal following a recent birth and there is also a little bit of a backstory with me feeling like my firstborn is treated differently by other members of my DH's family compared to the other grandchildren already, which I guess is relevant to this. But big girl pants on, I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable!

This is all beautifully outing, but I don't have the energy to try and change details... DH's aunt and uncle visited us at my in-laws' house over the weekend, we haven't seen them for about 2 years now due to COVID and their visits being an annual thing anyway. DSIL, BIL and our two nieces were there too. (Hope that all makes sense!) We have a 4 year old DS and a 15 week old DD. DH aunt is renowned for being 'blunt' as she puts it, and in usual form breezes into the room, coos over our DD saying how beautiful she is and follows this up with "I really like girls, but I can't stand boys, never have". She then says how she likes babies but doesn't like children. Arguably quite tactless, but I politely laughed this off and told my DS to cover his ears. They brought out a lovely gift for our DD which is very kind of them and we genuinely appreciated it and thanked them. Then goodie bags come out for my two nieces who are 4 and 7, nothing big but a token something for them both. The conversation then moves on and it becomes really clear that there is nothing for my 4 year old son. To be clear, the gift for DD was an item of baby clothing so definitely not something that could have been a joint gift for her and DS.

To be honest I didn't expect a gift for DD at all and it was very kind of them, but I was left feeling really quite sad later that my DS had been left out given his cousins were then given something too. Equality amongst the children is important to me (which is where the backstory of me already feeling like he's not shown as much interest as the girls is relevant). DH aunt has always been open about being blunt in what she says and does and attributes this to her cultural upbringing, although my feelings on this are that her brothers (so my FiL included) are not like this at all and if I'm honest I think it's just rude. I'm feeling brave, AIBU to be feeling sensitive about the situation or was it likely a complete oversight on their part and I'm just looking for ways to validate my feelings of him being treated differently?

Thanks all.

Since she values bluntness so highly then respond in kind and if she complains that you are rude, quote her own words back at her

How was this not raised at the time? If someone was so obviously spiteful to either of my children it would have been addressed on the day & I definitely do not invite conflict!

Particularly the 'cant stand boys' - seriously, did nobody acknowledge her rudeness to the little 4yo in the room? Was DH still in the toilet?
Didn't your MIL or SIL say anything supportive or mention the lack of gift?
What hold does this 'blunt' aunty have over you all?!
So many questions.

She's awful OP. Sorry she did this to you & your DS.

Awful, really awful, nasty, if she did that to mind there just wouldn't be a next time.
She's given you the perfect reason to avoid her, she doesn't like boys or children in general so I won't bother popping in to visit.

Can I say I'm impressed your DS was very polite didn't say anything.
My youngest might not but if my eldest was that age I can guarantee he'd have been very impolite and asked in a sweet voice "why haven't I got anything"

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

Very nasty to leave one child out.

If it's her culture to be 'blunt', then be blunt about this to her. Tell her that she either treats all the children equally on a visit (gift for all or gift for none) as it was unkind to leave one child out, or she doesn't visit again.

This! 100% this.

If she can be 'blunt' (read rude and obnoxious and a whole load of other words I can't be bothered to write here), then so can you.

I would not think anything of it if she had just got something for the new baby. But buying for those girls as well and leaving the boy out was awful.

I'd have pulled her up infront of everyone

It was rude of her. I don't agree with calling people out for not buying gifts (though it was obviously unkind in this case) so I would distance myself from her, and if it is asked why, say she treats DS differently/unkindly rather than singling out the gift incident.

Either awful or peculiar but either way not someone I would want around my kids.
I would decline future visits and explain to your dh why. With the emphasis on the "I can't stand boys" comment not on the presents thing.
You are def not being hormonal. It's basic decency to treat people with equal kindness

I'd be inclined to send the baby's gift back eith a note saying that it's either a gift for both or none at all. Don't dress it up or sugar coat it and be quite clear that you find tjat behaviour i acceptable.

She's a bitch

My husband grew up in a family where this happened. His mother sister favoured my husband sister over my husband and his brother.

When they were very young it was presents and taking her out for the day. As they became older she took my sister-in-law to Disneyland in Florida but did not take my husband or his brother. One of whom is older than my sister-in-law one of whom is younger.

When she passed her driving test her and bought her a car and she also has made it very clear that she has left her her house and all her money.

The biggest problem my husband had with this whole situation is that his parents allowed it to happen. He says he will never forget how he felt when he found out that his sister was going to Florida and that he wasn't invited. He said he was embarrassed as well as hurt as he had to explain to his school friends why she was going and he wasn't. He was nine at the time.

The aunt does not have any children of her own but like you and made it really clear that she liked girls and not boys.

Why in fucks name would you and your DH allow this to happen to your son?! You said she has form and then you try to justify it by her being blunt? That’s not blunt that’s spiteful. Fuck her off out of it.

It's fine not to like people who are awful. I'd just tell DS that she wasn't very nice and you won't be visiting anymore when she's there. Make sure he knows that he didn't do anything wrong and you're proud of him and love him to bits... it never hurts to say it again to our kids, especially when they're feeling a bit hurt. Then don't take the children over if they are staying with PIL (your DH can go over by himself if he likes). If anyone asks, you can throw some 'bluntness' back at them...'DS and I don't like horrible adults who are mean to little boys so we won't be visiting until they're gone'.

I wouldn't be taking either child to meet them next visit and I'd say why.
Dear aunt, I hope you have a lovely visit however the children won't be coming to mil to meet you as ds was left out of the present giving last time. I believe our children should be treated equally.

Given this is the child's great aunt, the Ops DH might have already been subject to similar behaviour from this Aunt growing up.
Op I'd just keep your distance.
I'd say nothing about the baby gift as not everyone will buy a gift for older siblings and I'll assume she did buy DS when he was a baby.

How mean! Like an aunt of my fathers who on being presented with newborn second girl she sniffed rolled her eyes and said “you’ve not done much for the family name have you x”. They didn’t bother visiting her again!

@mummabubs

I was a little scared to open the thread incase it was all responses telling me to harden up 😅 Thanks all. I'm partly relieved that to be honest we really don't have to see them that often at all. I guess my main concern was that DS is on the cusp of understanding what's going on with things like this and whilst I'm acutely aware of all the subtle and not-so-subtle differences between how he and his cousins are treated I just hope he's never put in a position to notice it. I couldn't stand it if he felt it too. ☹️

OP I'm really sorry to say this but there is a very good chance your son caught up on it.... kids are nearly has dumb as most adults like to think. And when it comes to gifts and treats they are pretty clued up!

I would avoid altogether seeing this aunt with your children. Next time tell your DH you didn't like how she treated your son and that he should visit by himself. You can (if you're feeling generous) send a small bunch of flowers to apologise for your absence (just because, you know, family.... you smile and ignore. But stay away when it involves your children)

Aren't*

I can’t believe you didn’t say anything at the time as I definitely would have done. You need to send the clothes present back and make it clear why you’re returning it to her.

However, I also think your DH should talk to his brother or sister (whichever it is) and tell them what happened in case they didn’t see it for themselves. There’s no way I’d condone this appalling favouritism from a distant relative and I know my siblings wouldn’t either. I’d be asking my sibling to send back the nieces gifts and telling the aunt that all the family children should be treated equally or not at all.

I would have called her out on it there and then in front of everyone. I would still call her out on it and refuse to see her again if that's how she is going to be. What a rude, ignorant cow she is

Yup, "I know you value bluntness, so I want to be clear. It is not acceptable to be nasty to my son in the future, and giving presents to all the other children and not him is very nasty indeed."

@mummabubs
That isn't fair...She sounds rude and obnoxious.
Saying she is ''Blunt'' doesn't cut it.

It's a word used for rudeness.

I had a step grandparent like this...She let it be known that I wasn't ''Blood''.
Hurtful and mean.

Fight his corner, OP!

She's a nasty unkind cow and seems quite smug about her rudeness. Match her bluntness and take her down!

I’d have returned the baby gift once it became clear that there was nothing for my son. It would have caused a scene and I wouldn’t have given a flying fuck. No one is mean and excludes my kid. (Entirely different ball game if it’s babies birthday and only a gift for baby is given - that’s all good).

Yep just echoing others really. Give your dd present back tell her to shove it.