To feel sad that all other kids were given something by visiting relatives apart from my son?

[mummabubs]

I will completely own that I am delightfully hormonal following a recent birth and there is also a little bit of a backstory with me feeling like my firstborn is treated differently by other members of my DH's family compared to the other grandchildren already, which I guess is relevant to this. But big girl pants on, I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable!

This is all beautifully outing, but I don't have the energy to try and change details... DH's aunt and uncle visited us at my in-laws' house over the weekend, we haven't seen them for about 2 years now due to COVID and their visits being an annual thing anyway. DSIL, BIL and our two nieces were there too. (Hope that all makes sense!) We have a 4 year old DS and a 15 week old DD. DH aunt is renowned for being 'blunt' as she puts it, and in usual form breezes into the room, coos over our DD saying how beautiful she is and follows this up with "I really like girls, but I can't stand boys, never have". She then says how she likes babies but doesn't like children. Arguably quite tactless, but I politely laughed this off and told my DS to cover his ears. They brought out a lovely gift for our DD which is very kind of them and we genuinely appreciated it and thanked them. Then goodie bags come out for my two nieces who are 4 and 7, nothing big but a token something for them both. The conversation then moves on and it becomes really clear that there is nothing for my 4 year old son. To be clear, the gift for DD was an item of baby clothing so definitely not something that could have been a joint gift for her and DS.

To be honest I didn't expect a gift for DD at all and it was very kind of them, but I was left feeling really quite sad later that my DS had been left out given his cousins were then given something too. Equality amongst the children is important to me (which is where the backstory of me already feeling like he's not shown as much interest as the girls is relevant). DH aunt has always been open about being blunt in what she says and does and attributes this to her cultural upbringing, although my feelings on this are that her brothers (so my FiL included) are not like this at all and if I'm honest I think it's just rude. I'm feeling brave, AIBU to be feeling sensitive about the situation or was it likely a complete oversight on their part and I'm just looking for ways to validate my feelings of him being treated differently?

Thanks all.

My aunt was/is the same - loves me because I have 3dds but she has two dds and 1 ds and treated them differently. She does love my db now because he has a Cambridge degree she can boast about. It’s utterly bizarre but I think it’s a mental health thing and she possibly has autism. We were always open about it in our family - auntie Sarah is a bit nuts and doesn’t like boys. It was a family “joke” but at the same time made very clear it wasn’t acceptable. Her ex husband is loved by us all and known as poor old Adam. Don’t give her much headspace. You can’t change her.

I can appreciate that it was your in-laws family so you’d be wary of being wrong footed. Must admit however, the idea of falling out with another family member or causing a fracas wouldn’t bother me at all.

I want my kids to see that I have their backs when others treat them like shit. I wouldn’t be rude and agressive but I would make my point very clearly so there’s no room for misunderstandings.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH about him putting his children’s feelings above his fear of not rocking the boat. My dad was a total people pleaser and I had no respect for him at all growing up. I’m sure your DH won’t want that to happen?

You are definitely not being unreasonable and she is frankly disgusting. How an adult could do that to a child is absolutely beyond me.

I think with 'blunt' aka rude and nasty people, if you call them out at the time they may well say something even worse, that would be really upsetting for a child to hear. I think in future if you know Vile Auntie is going to be around be ready to not accept a gift for your DD if she hasn't brought one for your DS. And be ready to say 'what a horrible thing to say, how nasty and unkind' if she makes remarks about not liking boys.
But actually I'd just try to avoid her as your poor DS will definitely notice as he grows older. And you can say 'Auntie is a cow ignore her' as many times as you like, he will still feel hurt unless you prevent the unfairness. (I doubt she'll change, horrid people generally don't, so avoidance is probably only solution)

@saraclara

What she said is way worse than what she did. I appreciate that you were caught on the hop when you laughed it off, but seriously?' "I don't like boys" in front of your four year old? That's horrific. And if a great uncle said that about girls in front of a daughter, I suspect that you'd have found it harder to laugh it off.

I would be absolutely blunt back at her. I normally avoid confrontation, but I'd absolutely contact her after the fact, with an email or a call. Start off by acknowledging that she says herself that she's always blunt, and so you're sure that she will appreciate you being blunt in return. Then tell her that her saying that in front of her great nephew was entirely unacceptable and hurtful, and that you trust that she will, in future, keep those thoughts to herself, treat him with kindness, and when it comes to gifts and gestures, with equity with his cousins.

This

I’m blunt, but I’m not cruel. I don’t particularly have the inclination to sugar coat what I’m saying and I don’t take the time to ‘guess’ what people are thinking, nor do I expect to them to guess what I am thinking.

I would NEVER in front of a little boy say I didn’t like boys or children. That’s not blunt, it’s rude and mean.

I might also accidentally overlook buying a gift for someone if my intentions weren’t to buy a gift for everyone, eg if I saw something for the girls of the cuff and then got the new baby a present (I would like to think I’d notice that I hadn’t bought for just one though!), but being “blunt” I would have no issue at all at being called out on what I’d done - other than being mortified I’d left a child out, not because of you calling me out on it.

If she is blunt, be blunt back. Let her know you/DS are upset about being left out and she should keep her opinions about him to herself and treat him equally.

Hmm yes - new rhyming slang perhaps? "I'm quite blunt" = ??

That bitch knows what she's doing. Some people get a kick of seeing small children hurt. And she's one of them.

Don't stand for it, don't put your ds through it. I don't give a flying fanny flap what her culture is. She knows what she's doing and she knows she's being cruel. In your situation I wouldn't hold back from telling her exactly what I thought of her either.

I’m the mother of sons and daughters and have experienced similar with my in laws who are very pro girls and anti boys. Much much more effort spent on the girls whilst the boys are completely ignored. I’m very proud of my sons and daughters so it’s their bloody loss. It’s not an uncommon theme unfortunately - in school I found my daughters were treated much more gently and kindly by some teachers.
My sons were by no means difficult or unruly btw and it wasn’t all teachers but a noticeable few who really disliked boys in general and were very harsh with them.
As others have said, give her a bit of blunt back. Presents for both or, please (sweet smile) no presents.

Also, ask your son to fetch you something in another room so he’s out of earshot and get her to explain her words.
“Oh, you don’t like boys?? Oh, erm why?” Keep the questioning up. Get her to spell it out. Every time. She’ll look an stupid fool.

I wouldn’t have said anything at the time - I wouldn’t have wanted to cause a scene and upset DS, especially if I thought he hadn’t noticed. But she would never see my dc again. If she turned up at PiL’s house when I was there, we’d go to the playground or for a walk or something and not come back until she’d left.

Nasty, nasty woman.

@ClawedButler

Hmm yes - new rhyming slang perhaps? "I'm quite blunt" = ??

I see what you did there @ClawedButler

I cant understand why OP is still on about these women having a strong dynamic and "get what they want" - buying into the idea that this is some sort of spirited behaviour rather than the woman just being a cunt to her DS. Protect your child from this behaviour!

“Dear Aunt Arsehole,

I would like to say how nice it was to see you at the weekend - but sadly, I can’t. Not only did you talk openly about your dislike of boys in front of my 4-year-old son, with no thought for his feelings or the hurt you might cause, you doubled down by giving gifts to three of the four children there - the girls - and excluded my son. You did this deliberately, and I am not prepared to let anyone treat one of my children with such obvious cruelty.

In the future, neither I nor Dh will be tolerating this sort of behaviour towards our son. I hope I have made myself crystal clear.

Yours in contempt,
@mummabubs.”

Setting aside her rude comments, I think that it depends on what your nieces were given. If toys, then that is very unkind. If clothes, then I think that is probably ok as most kids don't consider them to be gifts or get overly excited by them.

Totally shitty, if anything the present for a 4 year old is possibly feeling slightly put out by the arrival of a new baby is the important thing.

I never ever go to the new baby when their is an older child in the house, I sit and chat with the older child, ignore the baby until the older child wants to know introduce them.

She's a total bitch.

And as for I don't like boys, I don't expect they fucking like her either.

@Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow

Also, ask your son to fetch you something in another room so he’s out of earshot and get her to explain her words. “Oh, you don’t like boys?? Oh, erm why?” Keep the questioning up. Get her to spell it out. Every time. She’ll look an stupid fool.

Yes do this!

Tbh, I wouldn't return the baby clothes or cause any conflict. But I would not allow my children to see them again. I would politely decline any future invites where they will be present. You can explain to your in laws yourself the reason why and it's up to them what they do with this info.

YANBU Hugs I would have been really hurt and upset by this too
I think I would have just said loudly 'Oh noo, Looks like they've forgotten your present at home' and made her feel embarassed. As she should be!

What a horrible person.
I'd not be seeing her again- ever.

I definitely think you should send the gift back with a polite but very firm letter explaining why and that how hurtful it was.
Just because she has hang ups from her childhood doesn’t mean she gets to treat all boys like crap. Although I suspect she was just an outspoken bully as a child who was just jealous of any attention your FIL got.

YANBU

I'm one of 5 children: 1 boy and 4 girls
My father's family always bought my brother gifts but nothing for the rest of us.
We just accepted it as we didn't know anything else, that's how it always was.
But, now that we're adults it really rankles and they can't understand why I don't want anything to do with them....

Rude woman!!! Blunt eh? Be blunt back - she needs calling out on this.
I know someone similar; they can give it out but if you're equally blunt they get quite upset- serves them right. Your poor son- hope he's ok

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

That's actually downright deliberate unkindness.

I'd be saying that in future she either acknowledges both children or you visit with neither.

Your poor ds

What an absolute dick. Why do people like that never get pulled up on their shittiness.

Och, that is rotten OP. Your poor wee boy. YANBU and in fact sound lovely in your post