To feel sad that all other kids were given something by visiting relatives apart from my son?

[mummabubs]

I will completely own that I am delightfully hormonal following a recent birth and there is also a little bit of a backstory with me feeling like my firstborn is treated differently by other members of my DH's family compared to the other grandchildren already, which I guess is relevant to this. But big girl pants on, I am more than happy to be told I'm being unreasonable!

This is all beautifully outing, but I don't have the energy to try and change details... DH's aunt and uncle visited us at my in-laws' house over the weekend, we haven't seen them for about 2 years now due to COVID and their visits being an annual thing anyway. DSIL, BIL and our two nieces were there too. (Hope that all makes sense!) We have a 4 year old DS and a 15 week old DD. DH aunt is renowned for being 'blunt' as she puts it, and in usual form breezes into the room, coos over our DD saying how beautiful she is and follows this up with "I really like girls, but I can't stand boys, never have". She then says how she likes babies but doesn't like children. Arguably quite tactless, but I politely laughed this off and told my DS to cover his ears. They brought out a lovely gift for our DD which is very kind of them and we genuinely appreciated it and thanked them. Then goodie bags come out for my two nieces who are 4 and 7, nothing big but a token something for them both. The conversation then moves on and it becomes really clear that there is nothing for my 4 year old son. To be clear, the gift for DD was an item of baby clothing so definitely not something that could have been a joint gift for her and DS.

To be honest I didn't expect a gift for DD at all and it was very kind of them, but I was left feeling really quite sad later that my DS had been left out given his cousins were then given something too. Equality amongst the children is important to me (which is where the backstory of me already feeling like he's not shown as much interest as the girls is relevant). DH aunt has always been open about being blunt in what she says and does and attributes this to her cultural upbringing, although my feelings on this are that her brothers (so my FiL included) are not like this at all and if I'm honest I think it's just rude. I'm feeling brave, AIBU to be feeling sensitive about the situation or was it likely a complete oversight on their part and I'm just looking for ways to validate my feelings of him being treated differently?

Thanks all.

Admitting she’s blunt is synonymous for “I’m a complete bitch but as I warned you about it you shouldn’t take offence.

MIL and a family friend started this when I was pg with pfb - I talk as I find - when I finally pointed out it didn't stop them being rude and made comments along similar lines back it stopped.

As this is DH Anunt and not a closer realtaive and a yearly meeting at most -I'd avoid meetings going forward with DS being there and probably your DD as well - be busy there are loads of birthdhay parties and clubs to be busy with for next few years.

Super mean and rude.totally unnecessary. Can you just avoid having to see them again in a small group?

@GemmaRuby

What did your DH say/do about this? It’s his aunt.. was she horrible to him when he was growing up because he was a boy?

My DH didn't even notice 🤦🏻‍♀️ In fairness I think he was in the loo when nieces were given their something, but I did tell him in the car afterwards. He didn't say much, possibly as he felt embarrassed. He definitely didn't try to defend his aunt.

Totally awful I guess going forward your only option is to refuse any gifts for your daughter saying sorry we treat our children equally.

You’re right to be upset. If she had given a gift to just the new baby, I could have understood that scenario. Just like on a birthday you give just that child a gift. But the fact that she gave gifts to the nieces too and your DS was the only one left out? Rude and unacceptable.

That said, I wouldn’t bother broaching the topic with them. You can’t talk sense into rude people like that, and it’ll just cause drama between everyone. I would have been snarky, bought DS a gift and made a fuss over it saying “oh, there you go DS, now you have a gift too!” Lol

How bloody mean of her!

And people who delight in being blunt are arseholes.

"I speak my mind..."
"I say it as I see it..."
"I'm blunt but you know where you are with me..."

Are all phrases I've heard from utterly rude, obnoxious sods.

How people can think that being rude (in real life) is a positive quality I have no idea.

I should definitely buy your 4 yo a gift to make up for it.
Its up to you whether to protect him and say its from the aunt, or say she forgot, or just mummy and daddy got you this (circa £50) gift that you wanted to make up for other day.
Option 3 will make him hate aunt.
You should protect his self esteem. This gift is important as the other children got gifts but he didnt.

That’s sad your your child, and rude of the aunt

I would be asking dh to have a word with her stating it was noticed your son got nothing, that her comments about boys are being noticed now by the kids and it stops now

If she can’t then she won’t see your dh and his family, ever

And I would refuse to go to any family event she is at

I’d be blunt back about her rudeness. What a cow 😡😡😡

Did no one say anything when she did this? None of the other adults present? I certainly wouldn’t let that slide at all! She is incredibly mean and rude!

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

Very nasty to leave one child out.

If it's her culture to be 'blunt', then be blunt about this to her. Tell her that she either treats all the children equally on a visit (gift for all or gift for none) as it was unkind to leave one child out, or she doesn't visit again.

This!

I would be blunt about her rudeness too. Explain to your Ds that adults can be rude too.

You're not being oversensitive, she sounds like a horrible person. If she's going to keep doing stuff like this, I don't think it would be unreasonable to stop seeing her. Your kids are your priority, not her feelings, so tbh I would tell your DH to tell her that she has been not just been rude but mean, and that she's not welcome anymore. Just because people are family, it doesn't mean you need to see them, especially people this awful!

YANBU at all. I would’ve given the DDs present back too and said if she can’t acknowledge both your children then she isn’t to bother in future.
How bloody rude!

I would buy a fab gift for DS for next time - so the girls can look on enviously.
Why does sh e prefer girls. My DM preferred boys (nice) but she was much closer to her DF than DM and also had an older sister that she was maybe envious of.

That's awful a child should never ever be left out she should be ashamed. How has no one said anything to her. Like how can several adults sit and watch one child be left out and say nothing.

@GoodGrief100

She sounds delightful - another person who proudly wears the 'blunt and proud badge' when really all they are is a bitch.

Thankfully she doesn't visit often but I'd have a small present stashed away for next time to present your son with in front of her so he doesn't feel so left out.

Definitely! ‘I say it as it is’ is code for, I’m a rude butch, just as or ‘you get what you see with me’ means, there’s no hidden depths here, shallow as dish water 🤣

yup....it should be a MN saying like "no is a complete sentence"
"bluntnss goes both ways"

People who almost proudly say they're blunt or that they speak as they find/call a spade a spade etc are simply fucking rude. I have sons and I'd be horrified to hear a relative say something so horrible. If she says she doesn't like boys perhaps you should retort that you don't like rude arseholes but here we are.

Yanbu. Did the parents of the other children notice and if so what did they say?

That was sad to read, all children are a blessing whether boy or girl. There are some sick f*ckers in this world.

So she’s ageist and sexist, and you told ds not to listen but said nothing to her???

Return the gift with a note saying you are unable to accept it because of the appalling things said to and about your son and that unless she is able to keep her vile thoughts about sex and age to herself then it’s probably better you don’t see her again. Then sit back and await developments.

They do hear, they do understand and it isn’t ok.

That is unbelievably rude of her. Your poor DS! Definitely say something if she pulls a stunt like that again.

I am part Indian and the Indian side do confuse rudness with being ‘blunt’. Just use it to your advantage and if / when she misses out DS again don’t silence your son if he calls her out on it. Children calling out adults publically for shitty behaviour is what keeps them honest in my culture.

I think you and DH need to agree what to do if it happens again, preferably with him doing/saying whatever you agree on.