To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

[username4s]

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

And FWIW, seeing the way the discussion has progressed this evening, I'd just like to say for the record that I haven't reported anyone's posts on this thread.

[quote DontMakeMeShushYou]@SpeedRunParent
That's interesting that you can recognise that but may i ask why you don't learn from that insight and add 50% more time to cater for your lack of ability to correctly estimate the time needed?
I was considering this very thing today - why simply allowing extra time doesn't help and how could I explain why it doesn't.
I think it comes back, at least in part, to the distraction trait - the more time I have the more opportunity there is to get distracted. If I leave it to the last minute to get ready or do something, the less opportunity there is for for distractions to creep in and derail me but then there's also no room for error.[/quote]
Exactly. This is what people don't get. It doesn't matter if I get up an hour early or three hours early - the problem comes in those crucial last minutes when I suddenly remember I've forgotten to do something important. And as you say, the more time you have, the more chance of getting distracted from the task. I'm often better just giving myself the bare minimum, to be honest. I used to be up at 6am and out of the door at 6.25. I'd time each and every activity using the clock on BBC breakfast. 6.03, put coffee on, 6.05, pour coffee, make cereal, 6.07, sit down with breakfast, etc. I'd also have to remember to give myself a few minutes to put my shoes on and lock the door. It's exhausting having to do things with such military precision though.

@Awalkintime

The thread is about being late not early. Nice derail.

It's a timekeeping theme, your post isn't specifically about being late either😕

@Excelthetube you're right. Must remember not to take people saying repeatedly that the reason I struggle perpetually with lateness is that I'm a useless human being, who simply hasn't tried hard enough, to heart. They were all being so kind about it too! Byeeeee 👋

I've seriously struggled with punctuality throughout my life and never considered it a quirky little trait. It's annoying, I can't even explain it really.

I did think I was lazy, tardy and rude.

However I was recently on a business trip and we all left exactly the same location at the exact same time to go to other venues - to the minute on leave time. Tested c. 25 times.

I was always last, ranging from 3 minutes to 30 minutes.

And I dont drive slow either, managed to get a bloody speeding ticket at one point and saw others toodling along at snail speed, I go past and I was still late.

Dont ask me how, it makes no sense. I genuinely believe I am now being abducted by aliens or driving into another realm.

I had a friend who was always late.. like hours late for everything. We used to go to the same support group and she was late for that. Said they were lucky she turned up at all. Would come in for the last 30 min and insist on dragging the staff away for 1-2-1 chat when the time for that had long passed.
I now just go home after 15 min or so if I have not heard from the person I am meeting. It takes the piss and does show a lack of respect.

@MeandT

Loved your post!

@DecadentlyDecisive

I wonder how many people are consistently late in countries where they'd lose their jobs? Statistically China must have more people with "neurodiverse issues", but guess what - if they're not on time, they don't eat!

It's symptomatic of a Western society that has nothing else to worry about & too much time on it's hands and plenty of people who are working to fund the lazy & inept.

Yes, that's right...disabled people in other countries are often just left to die or end up on the streets. Is that what you'd like?

I have adhd and because I know from experience that im late if I'm not careful I tend to be overly early now

My DS year old "loses time". He will always struggle with it.

But he isn't the same as my friend who is late because she's a knob about it and genuinely thinks we'll be fine to wait!

This is straying into "not all men" territory

What I don't think helps this thread is that posters who are ND will never, or very, very, very rarely, acknowledge that some people are just selfish arses. Anyone who posts about the friend who is habitually late is told she could/must be ND. And heaven help anyone who actually says their friend is NT. She'll get how can you know, you don't know that. If someone's been a friend for sometime you probably get an inkling from their general way of life what the issue is.

Some people are just self centred. All that matters to them is doing what they want when they want. They'll get ready when they want, even if it's 10 minutes before they're supposed to meet, go all out on hair and makeup and get there 45 minutes late. It doesn't matter to them, because they are the centre of their world and other people don't count. They may not put it into words that their time is more valuable than that of the person they're meeting, it's just the way they expect to behave. Waiting is for little people. After all, it may be 40 minutes past the time they were supposed to be there, but they're here now, so what have you got to complain about.

There has been some dreadful ableism on this thread, but it goes both ways. That someone is habitually late doesn't automatically mean they're ND. And some recognition of that from ND posters would help it not to be such an entrenched bun fight and so upsetting.

@Feedingthebirds1

What I don't think helps this thread is that posters who are ND will never, or very, very, very rarely, acknowledge that some people are just selfish arses. Anyone who posts about the friend who is habitually late is told she could/must be ND. And heaven help anyone who actually says their friend is NT. She'll get how can you know, you don't know that. If someone's been a friend for sometime you probably get an inkling from their general way of life what the issue is.

Some people are just self centred. All that matters to them is doing what they want when they want. They'll get ready when they want, even if it's 10 minutes before they're supposed to meet, go all out on hair and makeup and get there 45 minutes late. It doesn't matter to them, because they are the centre of their world and other people don't count. They may not put it into words that their time is more valuable than that of the person they're meeting, it's just the way they expect to behave. Waiting is for little people. After all, it may be 40 minutes past the time they were supposed to be there, but they're here now, so what have you got to complain about.

There has been some dreadful ableism on this thread, but it goes both ways. That someone is habitually late doesn't automatically mean they're ND. And some recognition of that from ND posters would help it not to be such an entrenched bun fight and so upsetting.

Well I for one have recognised that. There was one poster who absolutely sounded like a self centred arse.

I guess an easy way to tell is how sorry they are. I think a ND person is usually super flustered, apologising, looking really frazzled and out of breath from rushing. The self centred types tend to stroll in breezily and barely even notice they're half an hour late and you've finished a whole drink waiting for them.

I used to be chronically late for everything (except trains). I thought the world could make allowances and it was no big deal. I used to try to fit too many things into the time available, and apply optimism bias to travel and arrival times. And I would give wrong ETAs so that the other person would expect me to be somewhat late ( but never as late as I would actually be). Then I started working for the one person in the world worse about this than me. He would be late because he applied no time keeping to his conversations, would talk endlessly in meetings he was chairing and over-run by hours. I remember sitting waiting for him to arrive, calculating the amount of everyone else's time he was wasting, and realising how annoying I found this, and how discourteous he was. And therefore of course how rude I had always been. I can't claim to be an absolute stickler even now, but I really make an effort, and find that punctuality is a state of mind that grows stronger with practice.

@DecadentlyDecisive

I wonder how many people are consistently late in countries where they'd lose their jobs? Statistically China must have more people with "neurodiverse issues", but guess what - if they're not on time, they don't eat!

It's symptomatic of a Western society that has nothing else to worry about & too much time on it's hands and plenty of people who are working to fund the lazy & inept.

The few articles and studies I've read about China suggest they're more likely to be incarcerated, commit crimes, become addicts or sadly, kill themselves. Or put in care.

There's parents who refuse to get their child help because of the stigma. Parents who can't because they're so rural and don't have the best education themselves. They get labelled as stupid and naughty instead.

I think it was six percent of children in mainland China diagnosed and it's thought to be higher, it's been a few years since I've read anything so it could be higher now. There's campaigns aimed at raising parents awareness and getting rid of the stigma so that they can get help that will improve their outcomes as adults. I don't know what the numbers are for autism but it very much exists there too and people in rural communities face a lot of struggles

From the things I've read it looks like they struggle just as much (if not more) as western adults as they often live in communities where's there's even less awareness and tolerance towards difference than here.

Jesus MeandT you genuinely thought every post on this thread was about you? Unreal.

I was deleted yesterday. I got quite upset that a poster - can’t remember which one - was pitching their inability to timekeep as equal to being in a wheelchair.

Also upset that those who claim their lateness is an inherent trait can’t see that others may have issues too which may send them into a mental spin if they are messed about. One poster even claimed that it wasn’t possible to let someone know they’d be late.

Thinking of others is good manners. Wasting people’s time or making them anxious is not on. Some people may have a good reason - just let the other party know you’ll be late.

@beastlyslumber

Jesus MeandT you genuinely thought every post on this thread was about you? Unreal.

I would have thought it was fairly obvious that she didn't. Hope that helps!

What I don't think helps this thread is that posters who are ND will never, or very, very, very rarely, acknowledge that some people are just selfish arses.

Wow. Whilst I agree that many late people are selfish, that is a horrible ableist comment. Even those of us who are ND are capable of understanding that some people are arses. Some of us even understand that it is possible to be ND and selfish

@DottyHarmer

I was deleted yesterday. I got quite upset that a poster - can’t remember which one - was pitching their inability to timekeep as equal to being in a wheelchair.

Also upset that those who claim their lateness is an inherent trait can’t see that others may have issues too which may send them into a mental spin if they are messed about. One poster even claimed that it wasn’t possible to let someone know they’d be late.

Thinking of others is good manners. Wasting people’s time or making them anxious is not on. Some people may have a good reason - just let the other party know you’ll be late.

Yes, that post was disgusting and ableist and you should be ashamed of yourself. You basically sneered and insinuated that cognitive disabilities aren't 'real' disabilities like being in a wheelchair, which is incredibly ignorant. I can't believe people still think like you in 2021.

My autism and ADHD are registered disabilities. I'm medicated for the ADHD and receive workplace accommodations for both, including the ability to show up after 'start time'. It's not for you to decide who is and isn't disabled.

Read back.
We have all said IF a person has a genuine problem and is our friend, we are OK with lateness.
A boss could arrange flexi working to help a person, make up their lost hours. A school often arranges a Taxi to collect a child who needs extra help.
However this does not mean the people who genuinely think time keeping is a choice they can ignor, should get a free pass.
I don't think a single person deserves to think their time is more important than anyone else's.

I think you should be ashamed of yourself.

I am wholly appreciative of any disability. No 1, you simply have no idea of the circumstances of other posters, and no. 2, I’m not sure there’s any disability where aggression and rudeness is considered acceptable.

I never “sneer”. It was you who was sneering at schmucks who find it “easy” to keep time and called them all sorts of things.

the problem comes in those crucial last minutes when I suddenly remember I've forgotten to do something important

is it important though? Or have you just decided that you "need" to hoover the living room, or "need" to call someone?

I was discussing this thread with my mum yesterday and she was talking about her neighbour who is late for everything. In fact my mum has given her a lift to the railway station and was more worried about her neighbour missing the train than she was! But she said exactly this - she will tell the neighbour 10am and at 9.58 the neighbour decides to phone a friend or load the washing machine. Eventually my mum said 10am does not mean 10.40 and the neighbour is now on time.

If you need to be out by 11, set the alarm on your phone for 10.55 and do not decide to do something "important". Go to the loo, get your coat and bag and go out.

@LukeEvansWife

What I don't think helps this thread is that posters who are ND will never, or very, very, very rarely, acknowledge that some people are just selfish arses.

Wow. Whilst I agree that many late people are selfish, that is a horrible ableist comment. Even those of us who are ND are capable of understanding that some people are arses. Some of us even understand that it is possible to be ND and selfish

Not ablest at all. MN is very keen to excuse all bad behaviour as someone having a disability.

In the vast majority of cases it is down to a lack of consideration for others, not because your brain doesn't work that way.