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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say being late all the time isn't a trait you are just rude

999 replies

username4s · 05/09/2021 20:21

AIBU to thinks it's not funny. it's plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person?

I often see/hear about people who are always late and it's as if it's just a funny trait of theirs. I don't agree it's shows a lack of care for other peoples time. Are these same people always late for work/school runs/other important commitments or do they suddenly manage to organise themselves and be on time.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 08/09/2021 12:34

Have people said late people shouldn’t have jobs/friends? I think it’s more likely people, like me, have said that if someone is repeatedly late I wouldn’t meet with them anymore. That’s not saying they shouldn’t have friends.

Rozziie · 08/09/2021 12:37

@Kanaloa

Have people said late people shouldn’t have jobs/friends? I think it’s more likely people, like me, have said that if someone is repeatedly late I wouldn’t meet with them anymore. That’s not saying they shouldn’t have friends.
What if your friend who was always late was in a wheelchair? Perhaps had to wait a long time for a bus with space to let them on? What if they had arthritis in their hip and had to sit down a lot sometimes, so often arrived late? Would you have empathy and compassion for them or would you say 'sorry, I can't meet you anymore, it's rude that you're so often late'?
Kanaloa · 08/09/2021 12:59

I’ve already answered that upthread. I don’t want to be consistently waiting around, but if a friend made me aware they would often be late because of a disability that made them incapable of arriving at the time planned, I would arrange to meet them for non time sensitive activities, or visits at home. In late case it really wouldn’t be lateness as I’d be aware they would be late, it would more be time flexible.

It’s not relevant to what I said, which is that nobody’s suggested late people shouldn’t have jobs or friends, only that they personally wouldn’t tolerate consistent lateness.

alloalloallo · 08/09/2021 13:06

It's truly amazing how someone can read about the painful struggles of people with a recognised disability and still go 'well you're just not trying hard enough'. It's truly baffling to me.

Tbh, this stuff doesn’t surprise me any more.

My daughter had to have an X-ray recently and her tics were having a field day.

Despite DD wearing a Tourette’s Action lanyard and me explaining to the technician than DD had Tourette’s we had

“Can you sit still”
“Can you try and sit still”
“You just need to try”

She then said to me “can you explain to her how important it is for her to sit still” - like DD can’t understand.

Then she told DD she was being uncooperative

I complained, but when you get this kind of stuff from a health care professional, I’m just not surprised by comments like that anymore.

Rozziie · 08/09/2021 13:26

@Kanaloa

I’ve already answered that upthread. I don’t want to be consistently waiting around, but if a friend made me aware they would often be late because of a disability that made them incapable of arriving at the time planned, I would arrange to meet them for non time sensitive activities, or visits at home. In late case it really wouldn’t be lateness as I’d be aware they would be late, it would more be time flexible.

It’s not relevant to what I said, which is that nobody’s suggested late people shouldn’t have jobs or friends, only that they personally wouldn’t tolerate consistent lateness.

The whole concept of ableism is the idea that disabled people don't get to access the same opportunities as everyone else because of their disability. I do understand that it's also reasonable for you to not want to wait around, but if all their friends have the same idea, then the person is left isolated. I do understand that it's reasonable for a manager not to want to employ someone who can't be in at a certain time every day, but if everyone thinks like that, then they don't have a job.

I experienced extreme ableism to the point of bullying when I had suspected bowel cancer in my twenties and had to go for regular tests and biopsies. I was a teacher at the time and my colleagues saw me getting time off as 'special treatment' and asked why they also couldn't have time off. My clinics were usually on Fridays and they seemed to think it was nice for me to get Fridays off to have a tube stuck up my arse and the inside of my bowel scraped. I've also had people whining about how it isn't fair that I get to arrive at work early and leave early because my autism means I don't cope with rush hour public transport. It's not special treatment, it's receiving the accommodations I need in order to be able to have the life most people have by default.

Rozziie · 08/09/2021 13:26

@alloalloallo

It's truly amazing how someone can read about the painful struggles of people with a recognised disability and still go 'well you're just not trying hard enough'. It's truly baffling to me.

Tbh, this stuff doesn’t surprise me any more.

My daughter had to have an X-ray recently and her tics were having a field day.

Despite DD wearing a Tourette’s Action lanyard and me explaining to the technician than DD had Tourette’s we had

“Can you sit still”
“Can you try and sit still”
“You just need to try”

She then said to me “can you explain to her how important it is for her to sit still” - like DD can’t understand.

Then she told DD she was being uncooperative

I complained, but when you get this kind of stuff from a health care professional, I’m just not surprised by comments like that anymore.

oh, how shocking and disgusting. Did you get a response from your complaint? Your poor DD being made to feel bad for something she can't help :(
Kanaloa · 08/09/2021 13:29

But they wouldn’t be left isolated. There are lots of people here who think being late is acceptable and should be tolerated, so clearly it isn’t everyone who wouldn’t be happy with it, it’s just my preference to meet with people who will be on time most of the time.

It doesn’t meet my personal needs to be left waiting around. I can’t meet someone’s needs who is consistently late.

Kanaloa · 08/09/2021 13:31

And, also mentioned upthread, reasonable adjustments aren’t the same as being late. If you are arriving at work after a certain time by mutual agreement as a reasonable adjustment, you’re not late. That is acceptable.

If you are saying yes I’ll be there at 10, and regularly showing up at 10.30 when the other person has waited since 10, that’s being late.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2021 13:33

Did she get her Xray, @alloalloallo?
I mean, I can understand that the radiographer would have been frustrated that they couldn't take a decent photo, but were you not offered options like mild sedation for your DD?

My niece has to have an MRI every year because of a brain tumour she had when she was 21mo - for at least the first 7 years she had to be sedated to go into the MRI machine because it's bloody scary. No ND as such, just a little, scared child, who couldn't keep still because scared.

msgreen · 08/09/2021 13:44

We all have time pressures ,shit happens .
BUT Repeat offenders wtf its so rude
I had a friend who did this for years ,dinner at 8 she would arrive
at 10.30 ,weddings turning up after the bride then making a dash
to a seat ....
she was known for it ,how everyone put up with it goodness knows
after nearly 30 years , I dumped her ...................................................

alloalloallo · 08/09/2021 13:59

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Yes she did. I asked if a different technician would be able take the x-ray as she obviously didn’t understand Tourette’s and her behaviour was just making DD’s tics worse.

A lovely bloke came in, was kind and understanding, chatted with DD the whole time, they had a bit of a giggle and it was all pretty quick and easy.

It’s amazing what a bit of understanding can achieve.

I understand it’s frustrating, it’s frustrating for DD as well, however, this DD’s life. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the rest of her life. Not half an hour for an X-ray.

@Rozziie - not yet, but it was only a couple of weeks ago, they said up to 28 days

Hakunapotato · 08/09/2021 14:27

@Mirw

My mother was always late. We would all (5 kids and dad) be in the car going on holiday and mum would be faffing about in the house "looking for something". We were the last on ferries, called out for flights. Syill she would "take her time at the last minute". The rest of us all have a "fear" of being late although I am the only one who has her watch/clock in the car set 15 minutes fast so I won't be late unless there is a very good reason out with my control.

Being persistently late is worse than rude. It shows a, flaw in character which is close to sociopathic.

Sociopathic?! How ridiculously offensive!
TartanJumper · 08/09/2021 14:36

@alloalloallo

It's truly amazing how someone can read about the painful struggles of people with a recognised disability and still go 'well you're just not trying hard enough'. It's truly baffling to me.

Tbh, this stuff doesn’t surprise me any more.

My daughter had to have an X-ray recently and her tics were having a field day.

Despite DD wearing a Tourette’s Action lanyard and me explaining to the technician than DD had Tourette’s we had

“Can you sit still”
“Can you try and sit still”
“You just need to try”

She then said to me “can you explain to her how important it is for her to sit still” - like DD can’t understand.

Then she told DD she was being uncooperative

I complained, but when you get this kind of stuff from a health care professional, I’m just not surprised by comments like that anymore.

That is awful. My friends dc had to have some medical tests. They were taken aside on arrival, all the tests were explained and the parents asked what the staff could do to make it easier for the dc. I think they really valued being asked for input more than anything.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/09/2021 14:40

"I do wonder about those people who say they ‘can’t help it’ - what about turning up on time to work, to GP or hospital appts., and what about when they have kids? Do they just let them endlessly turn up late to school? "
I put mine in breakfast club. Having the flexibility of an hour before school starts is the only way I feel comfortable that they wont be consistently late. Its shit for them that they have to go there most days but I just dont trust myself to get them to school on time but I dont think the stress to them of being late or the stress to me worrying about getting them on time is worth it. And its expensive. I just find it impossible to organise 3 people getting out of the house on time otherwise

TartanJumper · 08/09/2021 14:43

@msgreen

We all have time pressures ,shit happens . BUT Repeat offenders wtf its so rude I had a friend who did this for years ,dinner at 8 she would arrive at 10.30 ,weddings turning up after the bride then making a dash to a seat .... she was known for it ,how everyone put up with it goodness knows after nearly 30 years , I dumped her ...................................................
Please tell me nobody waited for her before beginning to eat! Shock
Backwaterjunction · 08/09/2021 14:44

People who are regularly late are just wan*ers

mum23kidz · 08/09/2021 14:48

This is one thing that really gets my goat. It's just rude to not be on time unless you let me know before hand.

alloalloallo · 08/09/2021 15:06

@TartanJumper

We’ve had a few medical tests recently and on the whole everyone has been great. The X-ray was via A&E after DD took a nasty tumble off a horse. She had an EEG the same week - totally different experience

It’s those negative experiences that stick. She felt like she was being a nuisance and wasting everyone’s time. She knows it’s frustrating, she doesn’t need reminding. She can suppress her tics, if she can feel them coming which she was trying to do, but she doesn’t always feel the urge.

She doesn’t actually have a diagnosis for ADHD - a few years ago she had a whole load of assessments for stuff like ASD, ADHD, etc and despite having lots and lots of traits, she didn’t have enough for a firm diagnosis of anyone thing, although it was flagged that she has a complete lack of working memory. She’s started college this week and they would like to assess her again. ADHD and Tourette’s go hand in hand quite often so we shall see.

She is often late, forgetful, disorganised and easily distracted. We have about a billion strategies in place, but sometimes life goes tits up.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2021 15:08

@alloalloallo - I'm so glad! Yes, it's amazing the difference a bit of tolerance and understanding can make.

SpeedRunParent · 08/09/2021 15:13

@NigellaSeed

Yabu. I'm late for everything. It's not a fu or lack of respect it's just totally shit time keeping and always thinking I only need X amount of time but it always takes XXX amount.
That's interesting that you can recognise that but may i ask why you don't learn from that insight and add 50% more time to cater for your lack of ability to correctly estimate the time needed?
enragedhedgehog · 08/09/2021 15:16

@Backwaterjunction

People who are regularly late are just wan*ers
So you've read the thread where people with posters have shared how their disabilities and conditions make impact their executive function and can result in them often running late and how they struggle and how worthless they feel and you've just said they're all walkers?

Or did you not bother to read the thread before engaging with it and labelling people as just wankers?

MeandT · 08/09/2021 15:42

@Bollindger
"Strange how you can be sacked for lateness, almost like people who pay for your time think being late is a problem."

Yes, amazing isn't it. Probably means you spend all your life surrounded by people who have no trouble at all being very punctual, because those that aren't have left jobs like that, the same way they've already been pushed out of your social group, as well as that of @Elphame @GreyhoundG1rl @DottyHarmer @Kanaloa @Backwaterjunction and all the other posters who don't have the brain chemistry themselves to accept that other people might be different from themselves!

Yes, there are absolutely jobs where turning up at an exact time is critical. Lots of them. You probably have one, since it's your superskill. You probably think it's a doddle.

Those of us who really struggle with time, have worked quite hard to find alternative strategies, jobs where the focus is on the task, not the minute of the day it is done. Many work flexitime. Many are self-employed. Many are still a nightmare to get to key events and meetings on time, but put support networks and strategies around themselves to ensure they get there (thanks @snog, you've listened to the explanations with empathy, understood the different science of different brains, and changed your POV - you would be a massive asset if I ever had the pleasure of working with you!)

Those of us who struggle to do 9 on the dot are often the ones who will work long AFTER contracted hours. Partly because hyperfocus, partly because new challenges are what keep us motivated, partly because we value jobs where we are appreciated for what we bring - and need to hang onto them like golddust, because god only knows, we'd never want to work for a boss like any of you!

You've all been completely right that we are incompatible - I'd have no interest in wooing any of you as a friend, or trying to climb up the ladder into your team at work (except you, snog). That doesn't mean I don't TRY to be on time. It doesn't mean I don't VALUE being on time. That doesn't mean I don't recognise the UK societal IMPORTANCE of being on time. It just means that screaming "WELL JUST TRY HARDER" at me won't make any difference.

As @dmifflin says, I am fortunate to be bright enough to make a path where I can find jobs with flexitime. Women with ADD who aren't do often quickly lose their jobs. You will often find them populating red light districts, dealers' corners and prisons. They are risk takers but can't put the skills together to hold down a high functioning risk taking job (they might make excellent stockbrokers, if they had the academics though!).

I don't mind agreeing to disagree and parting ways because you can't tolerate my timekeeping, but please don't just keep banging away that everyone should be JUST. LIKE. YOU. Around 10% of the population aren't and we just have to work around it. Please accept that. It is medically factual, visible on brain scans, and hard to strategise out of - even with a lot of medical help.

So 'dump us' as friends, by all means. Sack us so we can find a job where our talents outweigh which minute we arrive.

But don't tell us we're not trying hard enough, just need to do what you do to 'fix' our brains, or do this on purpose because we're rude. We are all already trying harder than you can possibly imagine just to get by alongside 'normal' people.

AntiSocialDistancer · 08/09/2021 15:50

Obviously speedrunparent she will have tried that.

This is not a supportive thread to offer helpful suggestions. If she or I expanded on why doubling time might be difficult in execution, there will no doubt be more people with patronising suggestions or rude comments about how she's a wanker.

Madamum18 · 08/09/2021 15:54

|Its rude!

Mary46 · 08/09/2021 16:34

Rude if its a constant pattern not much fun on the one left waiting. My friend says time management not her strongest). Im always on time. I temped so had be there on time