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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:
SunbathingDragon · 05/09/2021 18:27

Ask them and explain the circumstances. Be prepared for them to say no though but they might agree to sending videos or updates.

MeredithGreyishblue · 05/09/2021 18:27

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been through a lot.

I guess there's no harm in asking if you're prepared for the answer to be no.

Flowers
FelicityBeedle · 05/09/2021 18:28

You can but ask

FannytheW0nderDog · 05/09/2021 18:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no suggestions other than you have nothing to lose by asking but be prepared that the answer may well be no. Good luck with your move x

ForPingsSake · 05/09/2021 18:30

You can ask but if they say no then you must accept that. There are lots of cats in need of homes. You don't need to take someone else's.

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:30

I’ve been thinking about asking but don’t know how to approach them. I don’t know how to do it without sounding aggressive. How do I knock on their door and ask if I can have their pet?

OP posts:
LBirch02 · 05/09/2021 18:32

No it’s not at all wrong OP I’d ask these people very directly tell them exactly what you’ve told us. If they say no - I feel this cat will be part of you and your ‘family’ regardless - carry on in the vein of the strength and spirit the cat gave you.

OP you’ve been so strong and been through so much

NoSquirrels · 05/09/2021 18:32

Have you spoken to them before? Do they know your cat comes to your house?

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:32

@ForPingsSake it’s not about having a cat. It’s this cat because he’s been through my lowest moments with me. I would not just take him though.

OP posts:
CheekyAFAIK · 05/09/2021 18:33

Knock on the door, say their cat has taken to visiting you and you've formed a bond. That you're moving away and thought you'd ask if there was any chance the cat could come too. I would go lightly with the grief and depression element to be honest, it might put them off. I know a few families with kids and cats who wouldn't be all that sorry to send the cats off to a loving home!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/09/2021 18:33

I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers
It's a really tough one. I guess it doesn't hurt to ask but you would be putting them in an awful position if you tell them what you've been through and ask for their cat.
If they say no, how are you going to feel?

I know if someone came to my door asking for my cat I would never ever say yes. She is part of my family and giving her up is unthinkable but I would feel dreadful for having been put in that position.

Could you ask if they'd mind sending you photos and perhaps you could offer to cat sit when they're away?

cakewitch · 05/09/2021 18:34

You can't steal someone else's cat. Sad as it is.. we were in a similar position. We ended up getting our own, very similar cat. Hes lovely.

knittingaddict · 05/09/2021 18:34

I feel for you so much, but I don't think it's the right thing to do. If I was the owner I would be a bit aghast at you approaching me in this way.

I would leave it and get a cat or other pet when you move. A pet that is yours and yours alone.

Flowers
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/09/2021 18:35

The op was very clear that she would never steal the cat.

santaslittlehohoho · 05/09/2021 18:36

This is really sad OP, would you consider writing to them rather than doing it in person? It's obviously really emotional for you (rightly so), but you could also make things very uncomfortable for them and distress them in turn.

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:37

@LBirch02uou made me cry. You are so kind. I’m literally heartbroken at the thought so losing him.

OP posts:
Flowersandjellybeans · 05/09/2021 18:38

Please don’t take the cat - they are extremely territorial, and he/she has a home.

They are the most incredible animals - we have two, and they are loving, loyal companions. It is wonderful that this cat has helped you so much.

I think you should absolutely get settled in to your new home and then welcome one (or two, or three!) cats of your own that need homes?

ImitationofBeing · 05/09/2021 18:38

Ask. Be brave or you'll regret it.

We got our 1st cat in a similar situation. A cat came to our home, always hanging around. We began feeding him (he looked scrawny but turns our that was just his heroin chic look). Then 4 yrs later we were moving...

I knocked on their door and one of owners shouted for his wife saying "The cat napper from down the street is here. '

I was mortified but they were laughing - they had seen him sat on our window sill over those 4 years. They knew where he was and just wanted him to be happy (they had other animals).

They let us take him once they knew we had a great garden for him. And we kept in touch until he died.'

You have to ask. Lots of luck Flowers

Saz12 · 05/09/2021 18:39

Tell them their cat has helped you (emotionally), that you’ve really enjoyed cats company, and how fond you are of it. Then add “I know it’s your pet so of course understand that it’s incredibly unlikely, but if ever you decide cat isn’t for you, or your circumstances change, please please let me buy it, I’d take really great care of it and be so enormously happy to look after cat”.

I don’t think you can really ask if you can have their family pet without sounding a little unhinged.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:41

Also to say I put him out at night and make him leave. At 5am he is waiting and my back door and does not leave my side (I’m wfh) he even follows me into the toilet. He is never at his owners house. Even though I try and get him to leave.

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/09/2021 18:43

I'm not sure you can ask.

I can totally understand your feelings but he must be loved, he's fed.

I really feel for you though. Flowers

SylvanasWindrunner · 05/09/2021 18:43

You have nothing to lose by asking. I actually know someone who did similar and the owners agreed.

BordelDeMerde · 05/09/2021 18:44

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

I would ask them, in the way that @CheekyAFAIK suggested.

I would give you my cat if you asked. (Mostly because we got her for catching mice and she's absolutely useless at it.)

HalfTermHalfTerm · 05/09/2021 18:44

Instead of asking if you can have the cat I think you’d be better off speaking to the owners and explaining your circumstances and the bond you’ve formed and saying that if they do ever need to re-home the cat for any reason please could they contact you as you would love to have him. They might turn around and say you can have him now, but you’ve avoided putting them in the awkward position of asking to take him with you. If I’m honest if he were my cat and you turned up and asked to have him I would say no but also be unimpressed that you had put me in that situation.

I can understand why you want him though and I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope all goes OK with your move.

Keepitonthedownlow · 05/09/2021 18:44

Can you write a letter. For all you know they might be happy to let him go? Maybe he doesn't get much attention and they aren't fussed? Also definitely leaving a forwarding address in case they say no but might have a change of heart. Good luck

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