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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:

LST · 05/09/2021 19:07

@HurryUpAndWait23 the op is feeding him now.

nowahousewife · 05/09/2021 19:08

I am sorry for the loss of you mother but that does not give you the right to steal someone else’s cat. Because that is what you are doing. You say you try and get him to leave but that is not true is it? You keep feeding him and as he is a cat he keeps coming back to you.

I have little sympathy for you despite your loss as I am currently having the same problem with people further up my street feeding my cat. It is not fair on him or me.

If you really want this cat go and explain your situation to them but be prepared for them to say no but please please stop feeding someone else’s pet.

HotPenguin · 05/09/2021 19:08

I'm really sorry for what you've been through, but I don't think it excuses you stealing someone's cat. You should not have started feeding the cat. I think you need to prepare yourself for a negative reaction if you approach the neighbours.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/09/2021 19:09

You can’t turn up on their doorstep and ask, that would be too weird for them. Write a genuine letter explaining the situation but without guilt tripping them and telling them the cat is your best friend. They might be interested in rehoming, it’s got to be worth contacting them as it means so much to you.

Original poster

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 19:12

@NoSquirrels this is what I wonder about the busyness with kids etc… if was only here during work hours I think it was an empty home and he comes here for attention whilst his owners are out. But that is not the case. He’s here all the time.

I do feed him now but only because he refuses to leave and it worries me he hasn’t eaten for 9 hours.

OP posts:

Prisonbreak · 05/09/2021 19:13

Why not ask if you can visit the cat and babysit if they are on holiday and it might naturally progress

Original poster

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 19:17

I did not feed for 3 years. It was only in lockdown and he refused to leave my side I started feeding him when he’d not eaten for 9 hours. I accept my judgement on this may have been influenced by my own emotional needs.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2021 19:18

I've given my cat up in similar circumstances. She came home with a paper collar on one day. She was also on a local lost pet group on FB and a volunteer scanner phoned me. The older couple who she was visiting kept in touch. I don't think the cat liked me being out more and stopped enjoying living with her brother. So I let the older couple keep her.
I had a cat move out at 16 years old, only over the road, she liked the quieter household in her her old age.
Of you haven't got the courage to knock, put a paper collar on with your phone number.

MissLC · 05/09/2021 19:19

To be fair, someone I know had a cat that kept visiting her house. She took it back to the owners who said they didn't want her anyway so she kept her. She didn't even ask for the cat, she was just doing the right thing by taking the cat back

Original poster

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 19:19

I am incredibly worried about the cat being distressed when I leave. He will think I’ve abandoned him.

OP posts:

Subbaxeo · 05/09/2021 19:19

I’m so sorry for your loss of your mum and also your home. You’re going through a horrid time-thank goodness this little creature has helped get you through. There is nothing to stop you asking-even if they say no, they’ll be pleased their pet has comforted someone in need. If the answer is no, please do consider homing one who would love a home with someone to love and care for it. Caring for a little cat in need might help you get through this and be a worthwhile thing to do. Best wishes.

MeredithGreyishblue · 05/09/2021 19:20

@Ab4925

I am incredibly worried about the cat being distressed when I leave. He will think I’ve abandoned him.

Kindly - it won't. It's a cat.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 05/09/2021 19:21

I'd go and see them but with no agenda, simply to say "Do you know your cat virtually lives with me?" You may be pleasantly surprised by how the conversation turns but, if it doesn't go your way, at least you know that you haven't guilt-tripped them into a decision.

DalPalak · 05/09/2021 19:22

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. You should go and ask. Obviously, this cat has been an enormous comfort to you and it's worth talking to them even if the owners end up saying no. You never know, they might say yes.

Beautiful3 · 05/09/2021 19:22

I would write them a letter, explaining the close bond you've developed with their cat. I would tell them that the cat has helped you through your mothers death and you love him a great deal. You're moving, so wondered if you could buy him from them? Just see what they say. If you hear nothing then knock in their door a few days later.

Cryalot2 · 05/09/2021 19:22

I just want to say so sorry for your loss and hope that you are able to keep the cat which hàs brought you so much comfort.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 05/09/2021 19:23

Personally, I would write exactly what your wrote in the OP - about how much the cat has been such a comfort for you, but adding that you would totally understand if they said no.

The only thing I would mention is that most cats have freedom and will adopt people, and it seems to me that this cat has chosen you.

JustLyra · 05/09/2021 19:24

Speak to them and let them know the cat has been spending time with you.

Similar happened with my cat and I was concerned about her having a sudden ravenous appetite, but it turned out an old lady that had been feeding her chicken and bacon every day had died.

Original poster

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 19:24

I’m thinking a letter is less confrontational. But how do I explain my situation with it guilt tripping them. I feel they should know why it means so much to me

OP posts:

TrickyD · 05/09/2021 19:24

Could you write to the cat’s owners in the way you wrote your first post explaining how you feel and why?

It might be easier and less upsetting for you than speaking to them.

anon6578 · 05/09/2021 19:24

I also just wanted to send you loads of love

Babyroobs · 05/09/2021 19:25

@knittingaddict

I feel for you so much, but I don't think it's the right thing to do. If I was the owner I would be a bit aghast at you approaching me in this way.

I would leave it and get a cat or other pet when you move. A pet that is yours and yours alone.

This. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like this cat is very special, but it's owners are likely to feel very attached to it too.

bobandhisburgers · 05/09/2021 19:26

For starters stop feeding the cat. Put it outside if it won't go home and ignore it. It will go home eventually. I have a cat that practically lives in my garden in the summer from 5am till 8pm, but she has a home, she's looked after and clean and fed. I don't feed her but will sit outside and let her occasionally.

I agree with posters about asking it in a letter. Be prepared to be told no or to be ignored completely. But do you even know where the cats family lives? It's not clear from your posts.

viques · 05/09/2021 19:27

I am sorry for your loss, and think your story is very touching. I think as others have said you need to approach the cats owners to see if they will relinquish him (and find out his name). If they say yes then great , but if they say no you need to thank the cat for its love and support and say goodbye on those terms. Then when you move you can pay that love forward by finding a cat who needs a loving home and a kind owner (you) and moving on with your lives together.

TrickyD · 05/09/2021 19:27

Sorry cross posted with ilovemydogetc and beautiful3.

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