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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:
MazzleDazzle · 05/09/2021 19:27

Your OP sounds good. Rewrite it so it’s addressed to them.

We have a very friendly cat. He really is like a member of the family

me4real · 05/09/2021 19:27

No harm in asking them. x

I find if I lose a cat in any way, if I get another it helps.

Do you think they look after the cat ok @Ab4925 ?

We had a neighbour's cat visit us a lot, his owner genuinely wasn't looking after him. Towards the end he was outside for weeks in the pouuring rain and she wasn't there. I didn't want him outside near a lot of roads etc and she wasn't looking after him, so I adopted him.

No qualms about doing it as the roads around there are dangerous, and the poor thing was miserable. He's healthy and well looked after now.

GameSetMatch · 05/09/2021 19:28

Are you sure he has an owner?

I’d write a very heartfelt letter and see what you get back, I wouldn’t ask in person as it puts people on the spot.

TaraR2020 · 05/09/2021 19:28

@HalfTermHalfTerm

Instead of asking if you can have the cat I think you’d be better off speaking to the owners and explaining your circumstances and the bond you’ve formed and saying that if they do ever need to re-home the cat for any reason please could they contact you as you would love to have him. They might turn around and say you can have him now, but you’ve avoided putting them in the awkward position of asking to take him with you. If I’m honest if he were my cat and you turned up and asked to have him I would say no but also be unimpressed that you had put me in that situation.

I can understand why you want him though and I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope all goes OK with your move.

This. I would write them a letter, op.

I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your mum Flowers

Ratonastick · 05/09/2021 19:29

I’m a devoted cat slave and have had a series of cats and been devoted to every single one. One of my mogs, who I had nurtured from an abandoned kitten, took himself into the neighbours and moved in. For whatever reason, he decided that he liked them and their house more than he liked me. Ironically, they weren’t cat people and weren’t crazy about it to start with, but they fell in love with him. When they moved away, they asked the same question and I let him go. He was clearly happier with them and my job as a cat parent was to do the right thing for him. On one hand it was a pretty sad, but they kept in touch and were his slaves for his whole life and sent me pictures and updates so I knew he was happy. It was absolutely the right thing to do.

Albgo · 05/09/2021 19:30

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

Personally, I would write exactly what your wrote in the OP - about how much the cat has been such a comfort for you, but adding that you would totally understand if they said no.

The only thing I would mention is that most cats have freedom and will adopt people, and it seems to me that this cat has chosen you.

Flowers

I agree. Pop a note through their door. We've both gained and lost cats that decided to move on to new owners. Cats make their choices very obvious sometimes.
Dutchoma · 05/09/2021 19:30

Your original pot explained thisngs very well and was in no way aggressive. If you explain the circumstances to the owners they would probably be very glad that their pet can be of such support to another human.

You will have to pluck up the courage to speak to them though. Knock on the door and ask if you can share something with them. Tell the story as you have told us. The cat may be equally heartbroken when you leave. Best of luck.

BeardyButton · 05/09/2021 19:32

I hope they give you the cat OP. I know I would. Good luck.

asprinklingofsugar · 05/09/2021 19:35

I'm sorry but no you can't ask them to give up their cat. Of course it turns up at yours and stays all day - you're feeding it! Plus not everyone goes to bed at 10pm so it's entirely plausible that at that point the cat goes home, gets more food and attention from it's actual owners. And that they put food out in the morning when they get up (after 5am) and the cat just comes along to yours as it knows it'll get fed extra/earlier there. You said you only started feeding it during lockdown, and presumably until then you never felt the need to so clearly it was (and still is) well cared for by its family. Asking, even by letter, puts them in such an awkward position. Either they feel pressured into giving up their pet or they say no potentially causing upset and feelings of guilt for refusing to do this.

annacondom · 05/09/2021 19:36

I also think the cat has chosen you and you need to ask. It's odd that they don't seem to miss him during the day. Do they let him out at 5am or do you think he's out all night? Doesn't sound as if the kids see him in the evenings.

shockthemonkey · 05/09/2021 19:37

This story has touched me at a very deep level.

DO ask. I hope that the response is positive, although brace yourself for a "no".

I really feel for you. The bond with a cat is extremely precious.

annacondom · 05/09/2021 19:37

Please keep us updated!

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 05/09/2021 19:38

They may well be pleased at the offer. I loved my old cat, but when we had kids, she wasn’t very happy and disliked the noise in the house. She basically moved in with the neighbours and spent most of her retirement years being pampered. They adored her, and had they moved away, I would have been sad to lose her but happy she had a good home. If they haven’t really missed the cat then they might be fine with letting her go.

MiddleParking · 05/09/2021 19:39

Surely feeding their cat at your house is effectively stealing it?

Eddielzzard · 05/09/2021 19:40

I agree that a letter is the way forward. I'd give my contact details and leave the ball in their court. I can see how much this cat means to you, and I do think this cat has chosen you. They do do that. It might be that they're not hugely attached. All you can do is ask. Good luck. So sorry for your devastating loss [flower]

BronwenFrideswide · 05/09/2021 19:41

I would ask them OP, maybe write them a letter saying what you have said in your opening post.

A cat of ours moved in pretty much with neighbours, they didn't tempt him or anything like that the cat just preferred it there, when they moved they came and asked if they could take the cat we agreed, it seemed to us to be what the cat wanted.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 05/09/2021 19:41

I think you were already BU when you started feeding the cat and treating it as your own. That is the theft already, but without the hassle of vet fees. I appreciate that you were grieving - but so were that family every time their cat didn’t come home and they were just left to wonder where he was and if he’d been run over.
An animal would be an ideal companion for you but please just get your own!

Adviceneeded1213 · 05/09/2021 19:41

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

How wonderful that the cat has provided
you with companionship.
I think you could talk to the owners, explain the situation and see what they say.

Vanishun · 05/09/2021 19:43

Isn't that part of the risk with having cats though - that they wander off and rehome themselves? Ours did when I was little.

OP, I think you're personifying the cat a bit but I can see why. I really hope you're not too upset when it comes time to say goodbye. Thanks

shockthemonkey · 05/09/2021 19:44

Oh come on Parking! FGS

DukeOfEarlGrey · 05/09/2021 19:44

I'd write them a note explaining what you have here but taking care that it doesn't sound as though you are trying to pull on their heartstrings.

I'm sorry for your loss and current challenges. I think if you aren't able to adopt this special cat you should still get another one when you move. Pets can be great comfort and you are obviously an animal lover who will form a bond with another one in time.

GeorgiaMcGraw · 05/09/2021 19:44

@Flowersandjellybeans

Please don’t take the cat - they are extremely territorial, and he/she has a home.

They are the most incredible animals - we have two, and they are loving, loyal companions. It is wonderful that this cat has helped you so much.

I think you should absolutely get settled in to your new home and then welcome one (or two, or three!) cats of your own that need homes?

Yes, this. The cat probably does like you, but honestly, territory is more important to cats than people. They do not like to be moved, and get very distressed. You would be better off moving, settling in, and adopting a cat in your new place. Sorry for your loss, and whatever you do, I hope your move goes well and you love your new home.
Livelovebehappy · 05/09/2021 19:44

I know some cats are a bit like free spirits and visit several homes for food and affection, but are you sure that the owners are looking after the cat okay? If it’s at your house overnight, regularly, I would question why they haven’t ‘missed’ him. Unless of course they have a cat flap, so it comes and goes. I would do as op have suggested, and say that you have formed a strong bond with the cat, and that if they ever need to re-home him, to call you.

cookingisoverrated · 05/09/2021 19:46

I would suggest explaining it as you've said it here when you asked. In addition, I would offer to pay for first round of jabs, etc for a pair of kittens from a rescue centre to replace the cat if they're open to it.

NorthLondonLovely · 05/09/2021 19:46

So very sorry for your loss OP.

Your post made me very teary and I completely understand how you must feel. In my lower points my darling girls are what have kept me going.

Like PP I would write a letter similar to your OP. It sounds like he isn’t really part of the “owners” family set up if he is with you for all waking hours and if they knew you had full responsibility (bills etc) then may be happy for you to take ownership.

I also agree with other posters that your bond with this cat will always be there and if you don’t get to keep him I would recommend adopting another cat and building a new family.

I wish you well whatever happens x