Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:
Kidsaregrim · 05/09/2021 18:45

When I moved house I had a kitten about 10 months old, unbeknown to me he had been a regular visitor at my next door neighbours house, on the day we moved he scarpered so I went back to collect him that evening. The NDN was there and upset, she thought I had abandoned him and she was going to take him!

She explained how they had bonded and she loved him, I left him with her. I was moving to a flat which I knew he would have hated and she genuinely look distraught at the thought of losing him! Her husband gave me a lovely bottle of wine!

LBirch02 · 05/09/2021 18:46

Aw OP I hope you’re able to keep
him.

Personally I think if it’s the case he doesn’t go with you - you won’t ‘lose’ him - the strength he have you to carry on at such a difficult time will always be with you ❤️

RunningFromInsanity · 05/09/2021 18:46

I think people are being polite because of your DM, but I’ll be blunt and say it’s batshit crazy to go to someone’s house and ask to take their cat.

Cats are notorious for going to multiple houses and making them their own, but he has a home and and his own family.

Doomscrolling · 05/09/2021 18:49

Oh good heavens, you can't take their pet!

I know how much he means to you - you're absolutely not unreasonable to love him. YANBU to ask for them to send you photos and updates but you can't make off with loved family pet even though he helped you through your grief.

superking · 05/09/2021 18:51

I really sympathise OP and I don't think there's anything wrong with asking - but please don't turn it into a guilt trip. I would just keep it simple, a letter explaining how fond you are of him, that you know he is their cat but you thought it was worth asking as he has helped you through some difficult times and you would love to adopt him but only with their willing agreement. Don't mention any specifics about your mum (sorry for your loss) as this will just make them feel bad if they say no.

Reallyreallyborednow · 05/09/2021 18:51

I’d do it as @Saz12 says- knock, say you’re moving and thought you’d mention it as the cat visits a lot. Then offer if they ever need to rehome for any reason to get in touch.

SylvanasWindrunner · 05/09/2021 18:51

Not everybody loves their cat so much they will never part with them. A lot of people get a cat and then their lifestyle changes in some way and while they still look after them and do love them, they might find life easier without them. There is absolutely nothing to lose by asking. You won't see them again presumably.

ShrimpBarbarian · 05/09/2021 18:53

I think it is OK to ask. However, our cats are part of our family, and there is no way we could let them leave us.

LST · 05/09/2021 18:53

You can ask but you need to be prepared for them to say no. I have 3 and one of mine does visit a lad down the road and sometimes stops for a day or 2 (he sought me out to ask if he is ok to feed him etc). I don't mind him visiting others but I wouldn't let him go.

Backtobacktheyfacedeachother · 05/09/2021 18:54

I understand you saying that it’s because the cat has been with you through your lowest moments but, if they say no, if you did choose to adopt a cat once you move I can guarantee it will help heal your heart. They do that cats, mine did.

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:55

@RunningFromInsanity I know cats like this too. But think this is different. He is here all day and cries outside my door/ window when I put him out. I am also devastated at him thinking I’ve abandoned him when I move. We are inseparable and he stays by side all day. We are best friends.

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 05/09/2021 18:57

I was the neighbour in this scenario. My cat used to have breakfast at ours, then go to a neighbour and live there all day until I got home from work. I found this out when he went missing. The neighbour seemed surprised and thought he didn't have a home. You can't take someone else's cat, why not get your own?

Clarkey86 · 05/09/2021 18:58

Do you actually know the owners? Does he definitely belong to them? What are they like? It sounds a bit like he’s not very happy being in their house at all.

user1471457751 · 05/09/2021 18:58

Of course he keeps coming back, you're spoiling him with food. This is one of the things that puts me off ever having a cat. Too many people seem to think they are public property and then think cos they feed it, the cat loves them.

luannlele · 05/09/2021 18:59

Sorry for your loss.
I got hunk the best situation is to explain what you've shared here and give your contact details and say you would like to keep in contact with them and the cat. Invite them over for tea and cake one day etc.
Have you thought about contacting the rspca to adopt a cat? Or know anyone selling a cat or any pet for that matter?
Pets are therapeutic and this could help you deal with your loss and the move!

NoSquirrels · 05/09/2021 18:59

[quote Ab4925]@RunningFromInsanity I know cats like this too. But think this is different. He is here all day and cries outside my door/ window when I put him out. I am also devastated at him thinking I’ve abandoned him when I move. We are inseparable and he stays by side all day. We are best friends.[/quote]
If he’s with you as much as you say, I’d go with having a chat with the neighbours based on this.

Cats do move out sometimes if they don’t like the busyness of a house with children. If he’s with you so much they might well be happy to let you keep him for his own welfare.

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 19:00

@HotPenguin he is here before breakfast (5am) and does not leave til I lock the door at 10 - 11pm. It is not about having a cat. It’s because what I have been through with this cat.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/09/2021 19:00

@Backtobacktheyfacedeachother

I understand you saying that it’s because the cat has been with you through your lowest moments but, if they say no, if you did choose to adopt a cat once you move I can guarantee it will help heal your heart. They do that cats, mine did.

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

I also agree with this, too. Flowers
AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2021 19:02

No harm in asking. You explained it so well in your OP, so as far as how to ask, I'd say it's all right there.

Maybe it would be easier to put it in letter form and read it to them (I've done this in emotional situations) or hand the letter to them, ask them to read it and let you know. Just end the letter/convo by saying you understand that it is their cat and you are not demanding nor expecting them to give her up to you.

I know it's probably not very likely, but perhaps ask that if they aren't willing to give her up would they tell you where they got her. I know it's not the same, but if you can't have that cat, perhaps a cat from the same mother will help you keep that 'connection' if they got her from a breeder or a friend's cat.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/09/2021 19:03

[quote Ab4925]@HotPenguin he is here before breakfast (5am) and does not leave til I lock the door at 10 - 11pm. It is not about having a cat. It’s because what I have been through with this cat.[/quote]
So he's not eating for all that time?

SylvanasWindrunner · 05/09/2021 19:03

FWIW, OP, I would have said yes with my old cat. I got him when I was single and he was very much a one-person cat it turns out. He struggled in the last few years with having DD and a busier, noisier house. If someone had come to me and said he had been spending all their time there and they loved him and wanted to keep him, then I probably would have let him go if I thought he would be happy there. Not because I didn't love him, but because that's not always enough. He was fed and well looked after - he just stopped loving being in our house I think.

Sewaccidentprone · 05/09/2021 19:04

The cat across the road moved in with us when they had ds2. He was my dcat’s best friend! (It was very odd, they’d curl up together and sleep).

They eventually moved to a bigger property with a big garden. Apparently they debated whether to take him with them or leave him with us! In the end they took him with them.

Anyway, if you don’t ask you won’t know what they say.

TerribleZebra · 05/09/2021 19:04

OP you can ask, but if someone turned up on my doorstep asking to take one of my cats the answer would be no. I really hear what you are saying, that you believe the cat and you have some special bond. But their owner probably thinks that too. Cats are very good at making people feel like that (I would swear one of mine understands every word I say Smile). Having had many cats over the years, I would really recommend you try and accept it's time to let this one go and then get yourself a kitten when you move. All cats have a slightly magical quality and I guarantee that you will find another cat that will help you in the next stage of your life.

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 19:04

Do ask them; as others have said, be prepared for them to say, "No". It will take you a while to sell up and move so you will have the cat a bit longer anyway.

I've had a couple of really kind cats.

So sorry about your mum. That's very sad and must have been an awful shock for you.
Flowers

TooWicked · 05/09/2021 19:07

How about you knock and introduce yourself now, tell them their cat has taken to visiting and staying with you and you've fallen in love with him. Mention that you're moving out soon, you'll really miss him and if they were ever in a position where they'd consider (or need to) rehoming him you'd be delighted to have him.

A friend ended up with a cat in similar circumstances, the owners had got a puppy and the cat decided it was moving out and moved in with my friend, and the owners agreed that it was now her cat.