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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:
LST · 06/09/2021 14:41

@QueenHofScotland

It doesn’t sound as though the OP and her mum did encourage the cat initially though?

Yes fair enough for the last while they’ve been feeding the cat but that wasn’t the case at the start.

A convo with the owners should probably have taken place years ago. They might have asked you not to allow the cat inside etc and it would have avoided all of this I suppose.

We have cats locally who visit lots of houses - their owners have asked on public forums for them not to be fed but otherwise they are happy for people to look out for them. One has become quite famous as it goes in peoples houses for naps etc

Just letting it in and fussing it is encouraging it.
Thatsjustwhatithink · 06/09/2021 14:48

Sorry OP but I'd find this really weird if you asked me if you could have my pet.

I'd end up keeping the cat in until you left!!

Original poster
Ab4925 · 06/09/2021 16:25

Thank you all so much for your posts and condolences. You’ve been so kind.

Having read all the comments it’s made me think about what I want my new life to look like.

Pre-COVID and before DM died I was a very social person who regularly went out, visited friends, and went on holidays.

It is only the last 18 months I have barely left the house. Because I couldn’t.

When I move to a new town I would like my life to start again. And this will probably include no longer wfh, going out after work and going away at weekends again like I used to.

Thinking about this, if I approach the owners and they say yes, it would be unfair to the cat to take him away and then not be there to spend so much time with him.

I think my plan is to speak to the owners, let them know where he has been and let them know I’m leaving in case he continues to come to the house after I am gone.

Whilst I’m heartbroken leaving him this is probably the kindest thing.

OP posts:
Vanishun · 06/09/2021 16:28

Oh OP Thanks

What a lovely way to think. I wish you all the best with your new start.

Motnight · 06/09/2021 16:29

That sounds like a great idea, Op.

BastardMonkfish · 06/09/2021 16:31

Honestly I think if you want to move on from this awful period of your life then leaving the cat behind is the best thing to do. Time for a fresh start x

SirVixofVixHall · 06/09/2021 16:33

You can still go away etc with a cat OP.
My concern is that he has become “yours” and there is a reason that he wants to be with you. He really isn’t their cat in any proper sense any more.
I think you can have a better life with more fun and a cat . I had cats when I was in my twenties and I did lots of other things too.

Dillidilly · 06/09/2021 16:34

Well done OP, and I hope this is the start of a much brighter future for you x

icedcoffees · 06/09/2021 16:40

I think that's the best decision, OP.

If you decide you want to get a cat in future, you can do so. They're amazing pets and very independent - we use a cat sitter when we're away. They come in twice a day to feed, sort the litter trays and give them a fuss and some play if they're interested.

I pay £15 a day for two half hour visits, though I don't expect the sitter to stay the full time as two of mine are very antisocial Grin

Silkiescatz · 06/09/2021 16:44

I think that sounds a much healthier plan. I am not sure I would bother going round as I dont know what reaction you will get, some people would be fine with their cat going in others houses, some wont and if they are in that category it may be difficult for you. In time I think you could get your own cat, you can still go to work, go on holiday, just ensure proper food and water and care when away.

FireworkParrot · 06/09/2021 17:02

@BastardMonkfish

Honestly I think if you want to move on from this awful period of your life then leaving the cat behind is the best thing to do. Time for a fresh start x
I also think you've made the right decision. The cat has helped you through a terrible time but now it's time for a fresh start somewhere new. You'll always think fondly of the cat that helped you through such a crisis and in time maybe get a rescue cat of your own. I do think that this cat is a link to your grief and distress and it's time to leave both that, and him behind.
AcrossthePond55 · 06/09/2021 17:02

What a kind person you are, OP, putting DCat first in your thoughts.

He's been a good friend to you and in turn you are being a good friend to him.

HeronLanyon · 06/09/2021 17:06

What a thoughtful update op. Sounds a good plan and for good reasons.
Wish you all the best - you’ve been through a lot and sound as if you are now up for moving on with your life. It’s so tough -I know from losing both of my parents - but it can happen. Your mum would want nothing more than for you to be happy. All the best.

fizzandchips · 06/09/2021 17:10

I believe people/dogs/cats sometimes come in to our lives exactly when we need them for the amount of time we need them. Your reflection on being more sociable when you move is a wise one and shows how much you’ve learned about yourself during this incredibly difficult time. Perhaps once you’ve moved and settled you’ll feel prepared to welcome another pet in to your life and you could perhaps rehome an old cat for a the last few years of its life as you’re able to offer a quiet home for an indoor cat who will happily be feed by a neighbour if your away for a weekend?
Wishing you the very best OP and I’m so sorry that you’ve been through such a sad time.

saraclara · 06/09/2021 17:58

I think you're very wise in your decision, OP, and I'm impressed that you came so far in your thinking in such a short time.

I honestly think that a fresh start would be a good thing. And yes, it didn't occur to me before, but taking the cat with you could hold you back. Practically - because being spontaneous would be more difficult, and emotionally -'because he would keep you in the past rather than the present and the future.
Well done for realising that, and all the best with the next stage of your life.

jillandhersprite · 06/09/2021 18:30

Your update has knocked me back - its so thoughtful and considered after the wide range of responses you've had.
However things work out, with or without the cat - I really want to give you a huge hug and wish you well. After all you've been through you deserve some good luck and I truly hope you can find peace and a happy life... xx

KingdomScrolls · 06/09/2021 18:42

OP this happened to my car when I was a child, the neighbour a few doors down list her husband very suddenly and unexpectedly, am she had left of him was his cat, which had followed him everywhere etc and used to sleep in his chair after he passed. About three months after, the cat got hit by a car and died. It was like she was grieving that loss of her husband again. Our cat (probably because there was now no one defending the territory) started to visit her, she told us after a while and we said it was fine. He was getting old and didn't like the noise of a house filled with children and their friends and other pets, he was pretty grumpy and antisocial. This continued for a while and honestly he spent more time there than with us . Then she came to tell us that the house was too big for her to keep up on her own and too full of memories so she'd be moving. She was upset and wanted to let us know so we kept an eye on the cat. My mum spoke to me and my brother and we decided that if she wanted she could take him, her need was greater than ours and he genuinely seemed to like being with her more than us. So we told her she could have him, she was very touched and upset and initially said she couldn't do that to us, but my mum said she'd explained and we were ok with it. So he went! She'd send us photos in the post a few times a year with a letter from the cat! He died 4/5 years later and would've been almost twenty. He lived his latter years in peace and quiet with a companion who bought him fish from the fishmonger.
Maybe write a letter and explain what you have here, you never know.

Original poster
Ab4925 · 06/09/2021 18:57

@jillandhersprite Awww thank you, I think I may have come across as slightly emotionally in the OP but it’s DMs birthday today so I’ve probably been over thinking things. The wide range of comments has been helpful. You cant see the whole of the situation if you only listen to what you want to hear. Lots of love to you. X

OP posts:
MeredithGreyishblue · 06/09/2021 18:57

Aw, OP! Flowers

greendiva · 06/09/2021 19:02

Be prepared for them to be completely taken aback and also slightly offended. Cats visit lots of people. Recently one of our cats was kidnapped and taken miles away to a rescue in another town despite having a collar saying 'do not feed, send me home' with our phone number on. This is what some cats do. How about a new cat, for a new start. Sorry for your loss x

2bazookas · 06/09/2021 19:32

Just go and ask. They may happily accept.

We got a rescue cat who politely but coldly made it clear we were the last family on earth she would have chosen to live with. Too many pets, children, dogs , people. She spent everyday sulking on an outside windowsill. After a week, she transferred herself to the outside windowsill of my petless childless neighbour. One day neighbour came over to say " I felt really sorry for your cat so I let her in and now she always wants to come in and I really really love her, could I possibly ..buy her off you? " Of course I wouldn't take any money; she got the cat; every one happy.

saraclara · 06/09/2021 19:56

You cant see the whole of the situation if you only listen to what you want to hear.

The wisest thing I've ever seen written on MN.

That should be at the top of every thread on this forum.

Well done @Ab4925

Turtletotem · 06/09/2021 20:26

I would definitely ask them before you make that final decision but it sounds like you've turned a corner and things will be looking up for you 😊

Enidcat5 · 06/09/2021 20:38

You are lovely, op. I do hope you find peace in your new home. If you are struggling please reach out for help x

MumofSpud · 06/09/2021 21:02

OP - I might be a tad menopausal as your update has made me well up!
Please let us know how you get onSmile