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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:
Bethany7 · 05/09/2021 19:46

I would let them read your original post O
P. They may well understand. I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

Comtedemontecristo · 05/09/2021 19:47

I am worried that you are putting your feelings of loss on to this cat. Please contact bereavement counselling 💐💐

Sorry for your loss and sorry but I have no advice different to what other pp have said, just ask the neighbours if they would let you adopt him x

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 05/09/2021 19:47

Oh OP take him.

VaccineSticker · 05/09/2021 19:47

Write them a letter with exactly what you wrote in the original post. I am so sorry for your situation- hope you get some positive news x

Pumasonsatsumas · 05/09/2021 19:49

Speak to them. Say the cat used to visit your mother who sadly passed away, and you have become very fond of him. He often visits you now and has been a great comfort since you lost her. Would they consider letting you adopt him. You realise it's an unusual request but you would be very grateful. See how they respond. Try not to be too overly emotional when you first speak to them, just let them know the facts. Give them some time to think about it. Though personally I reckon you should just nab him 😁

mapleleavesreturn · 05/09/2021 19:49

I'd ask via letter with my contact details too but also offering to follow up in person, good luck.

I love my 2 cats, but if one of them had been to you the way one of my cats has been to me, and I got a letter about them I would consider it carefully. That cat is spending a lot of time and at the very least, you're doing the right thing giving them notice that the cat may be upset soon.

If you don't get the cat, I do encourage you to get a pet, I know this cat is special and can't be replaced or the experiences replicated but sometimes, distraction is important and helpful at times and most pets are good for your mental health (unless a bad fit and you can't meet their needs).

LST · 05/09/2021 19:49

One of my cats has just come back from a 30 hour holiday. He regularly stops at our neighbors down the street. If he doesn't come in at bed time when I shout I message them to see if he is there and 9 times out of 10 he is. He spent last night their with them and he's just come home. He's now curled up on my knee purring away after rubbing his head all over me and giving head boops. He's also had some salmon as a treat. He is extremely loved by us even if he spreads his love about a bit. I'd hate for them to ask to keep him.

LST · 05/09/2021 19:50

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

Oh OP take him.
Terrible advice.
lunar1 · 05/09/2021 19:52

You don't have a choice about asking them. The cat is with you so much, if you suddenly disappear without the owners knowing what's happened they wouldn't know he is missing meals he was getting and the will be used to him being gone all day. He could come to harm if you leave.

I firmly believe cats chose their humans. Speak to them, either way someone needs to be looking after him.

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 19:53

Is it inappropriate to offer money for the cat? I’m prepared to offer any money I have / take a loan if needed. He’s my family and I would if I have to.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 05/09/2021 19:53

One thing that worries me here is that cats don't always take kindly to moving. What if they say yes, you move and then he runs away? You're going to feel dreadful.

LST · 05/09/2021 19:53

@lunar1

You don't have a choice about asking them. The cat is with you so much, if you suddenly disappear without the owners knowing what's happened they wouldn't know he is missing meals he was getting and the will be used to him being gone all day. He could come to harm if you leave.

I firmly believe cats chose their humans. Speak to them, either way someone needs to be looking after him.

He'd go back home if the op stopped feeding him and giving him attention.
Haffdonga · 05/09/2021 19:53

Write the letter, OP, with an honest explanation but perhaps ask to buy the cat rather than ask them to give it to you. That would perhaps help them to feel less 'miffed' or annoyed that their cat had bonded with you when they'd been paying vets bills.

Do brace yourself for a no though and remember that what's best for the cat may be to stay where it knows. Cats tend to bond with places more than people.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

NerrSnerr · 05/09/2021 19:53

I know a few people who have lost their own cats because others have taken it upon themselves to feed their cats.

I think you need to speak to them but they may be angry that you've been feeding it (but then again they might not be but it's worth being mindful of).

Vallmo47 · 05/09/2021 19:54

A letter to owner is a very good idea. I’m very sorry for your loss OP.

LopsidedWombat · 05/09/2021 19:54

Sorry you have had such a horrible time of it OP.

I like the suggestion made by a pp of letting them know you are moving and about the bond you have formed with the cat and how much you have come to care for him and should they ever want or need to rehome him to let you know and give them your contact details. They may well be horrified by the prospect, however you won't know unless you bring it up and they could well even be pleased! For some people a cat is just in the background doing its own thing, others find them to be a nuisance that seemed like a good idea at the time. Just prepare yourself for the possibility that they may not be wanting to part with him.

I know this particular cat is the one you've bonded with but you sound like you would benefit from having a pet either way, if they do not want to part with him, please consider getting one when you move! Maybe adopting a lovely overlooked older lap cat?

multiplemum3 · 05/09/2021 19:54

Sorry but he's not your family, please don't offer them money it is madness. I know the cat helped you through a rough time but he's not yours.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/09/2021 19:55

We used to have 3 cats. One did not get on with the others and had no interest in us either. We would very, very occasionally find him in the house alone but he scarpered as soon as he saw us.
One day a man knocked on the door and told us that our cat had largely adopted them and that they would like to adopt him back. I think it was a happy ending for everyone because we were due to move too.

knittingaddict · 05/09/2021 19:56

Some people are saying that there's no harm in asking, but you have no idea what the owners reaction to this will be. They will be put on the spot, probably incredulous that anyone would ask this and they may say something very upsetting to the op. The op is obviously very vulnerable and this may be a very traumatic experience if it doesn't go her way or the owners are less than kind. There may well be harm in asking.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/09/2021 19:56

Posted too soon. The upshot of all that is that there is no harm in asking. If the cat spend so much time with you, there may be a reason and they may be pleased to have a happy solution

Scbchl · 05/09/2021 19:57

I have a cat, if she suddenly started spending so much time happily with and at someone else's house and was happier there than with me then I'd let her go with them.

LST · 05/09/2021 19:57

@knittingaddict

Some people are saying that there's no harm in asking, but you have no idea what the owners reaction to this will be. They will be put on the spot, probably incredulous that anyone would ask this and they may say something very upsetting to the op. The op is obviously very vulnerable and this may be a very traumatic experience if it doesn't go her way or the owners are less than kind. There may well be harm in asking.
It's either ask or don't and risk never knowing if they'd say yes. Op can't steal the cat.
katie2812 · 05/09/2021 19:57

I would write a letter personally. Similar to what you've put on here. I would emphasis the emotional side of things. And leave your number and see what they say. Maybe put on there you're sorry if it comes across as weird.

Saying this, I agree with previous posters - this cat has been with you at your lowest and you should carry on the strength. Almost like it's time.

I have a ginger cat, who comes to us everyday but I know other people look after him. But I couldn't face giving him away to complete strangers. But if it was a nice person, and I could see that and giving the circumstances, I would think about it at minimum.

Sending you love 💞

ittakes2 · 05/09/2021 19:57

I am sorry about your mum. I love our cats and if one of them wanted to be with someone else I would be sad but cats choose who to love. You might find they are OK about it. Some cats aren't keen to live with small children and he or she might be better suited to an adults only environment.

knittingaddict · 05/09/2021 19:57

I will also add that the split on the voting really surprises me.

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