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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wrong after DM died?

306 replies

Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 18:24

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

OP posts:
AramintaLee · 05/09/2021 19:57

I would also suggest writing them a letter detailing what your OP says.

I would be prepared for them to say no, but there's no harm in asking.

Totallydefeated · 05/09/2021 19:59

You need to ask them.

StoatMilk · 05/09/2021 20:01

@cakewitch

You can't steal someone else's cat. Sad as it is.. we were in a similar position. We ended up getting our own, very similar cat. Hes lovely.
The OPs not suggesting ‘stealing’ the cat read the post properly. Hmm
Flumo · 05/09/2021 20:01

My cat did this with my old neighbours, so I went round and had a good chat with them both and we decided they were a better fit for him. Missed him loads but he was so happy there, I still have his brother and he's a much nicer cat alone. I'm glad you had this cat though an awful stage of your life, hopefully they be understanding.

ComDummings · 05/09/2021 20:01

If someone came to my door asking to keep my cat I would think they’re unhinged, honestly. Trying to guilt trip them would be awful. I’m sorry for your loss OP but it’s not your cat and I think you’d be putting them in an awful position by asking them to keep the cat. I know that sounds harsh but just imagine someone coming to your door asking to take your pet away.

Walkingalot · 05/09/2021 20:01

@Ab4925 I would not ask in person as it puts them on the spot. They may actually resent you for luring their cat away from them (unintentionally I know). However, as you are so emotionally attached to it, it's got to be worth a shot hasn't it.
The cat obviously feels more comfortable with you than with them, perhaps a calmer environment. However, moving away changes the dynamic for the cat, so please bare that in mind.
I have 2 cats, totally different in personality. One is very attached to me, follows me, cries for me - so sweet. The other is very aloof but even he has his moments. He disappears sometimes for days on end, so someone else is obviously looking after him. I honestly don't think he'd care if I moved and left him. My DS would be very upset though. It's his cat.
Not sure if any of this helps!

trumpisagit · 05/09/2021 20:03

A letter is a good idea, but you need to prepare for the answer to be no and not accept it.

Our cat is a visitor to several neighbours, but also spends a lot of time here, especially if it's raining.
We still all love her very much.

Perhaps this isn't the case with this cat, but prepare yourself for a no.

biggerthehoops · 05/09/2021 20:03

I think you need to write a letter asking. If you do it face to face you're likely to get emotional which isn't really fair on the owners as puts them in an awful position.

I see no harm in asking. A letter gives them tome to discuss and consider in their own time

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/09/2021 20:04

A letter might be better.
But if you don't get a reply - don't knock on their door or send another note.
The lack of reply is the reply. It tells you the answer is no

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 05/09/2021 20:05

You can ask but he prepared for the fact the likely answer will be no. Also might be worth saying goodbye to the cat first. If someone came to ask about my cat Id probably be worried they will take them (I know you said you wouldn't) and would keep them inside

Couchbettato · 05/09/2021 20:05

I would ask. If he spends more time with you than his owners then he'll not receive the same treatment once you've gone.

His owners might not even know he's being loved and fed and watered elsewhere, and he might have a concerning change of behaviour. I would at least them you're moving and that you've been looking after him

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 20:06

Sorry for being stupid. I have not posted before. How do I see voting results?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2021 20:06

@knittingaddict

Some people are saying that there's no harm in asking, but you have no idea what the owners reaction to this will be. They will be put on the spot, probably incredulous that anyone would ask this and they may say something very upsetting to the op. The op is obviously very vulnerable and this may be a very traumatic experience if it doesn't go her way or the owners are less than kind. There may well be harm in asking.
If the OP writes a letter and asks them to read it then reply after they've thought (even if that's only 3 minutes) by dropping a note in her letterbox then she'll probably avoid any kind of unfortunate conversation.

But I agree that OP needs to be prepared to be plainly told no and even for the cat to be kept inside to avoid being 'catnapped' (which I'm sure the OP would never do).

viques · 05/09/2021 20:07

@Ab4925

Is it inappropriate to offer money for the cat? I’m prepared to offer any money I have / take a loan if needed. He’s my family and I would if I have to.
No, this is not appropriate. Either they understand the situation and relinquish the cat happily and with their blessing for free , or they say no .Bringing money into it makes it a very different situation.

(Unless the cat is some super pricey model who has recently cost them hundreds for dental work, in which case..........)

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 20:08

@Couchbettato I hadn’t considered this except for being worried about the cat’s ‘feelings’

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 05/09/2021 20:08

@HalfTermHalfTerm

Instead of asking if you can have the cat I think you’d be better off speaking to the owners and explaining your circumstances and the bond you’ve formed and saying that if they do ever need to re-home the cat for any reason please could they contact you as you would love to have him. They might turn around and say you can have him now, but you’ve avoided putting them in the awkward position of asking to take him with you. If I’m honest if he were my cat and you turned up and asked to have him I would say no but also be unimpressed that you had put me in that situation.

I can understand why you want him though and I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope all goes OK with your move.

This!

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Hardbackwriter · 05/09/2021 20:09

I think the people urging the OP to send a letter saying what she said in the post are being quite cruel to both OP and these random strangers. It's incredibly unlikely they'll give her the cat as a result so you're just giving them the gift of feeling really guilty about a sad story that's in no way their fault or responsibility. It's the kind of thing you'd think about occasionally for years after and feel shit about each time. If you really must ask - and I'm not sure the attachment to the cat feels very healthy in the first place - then it needs to be a low-key explanation that you've become very fond of the cat. Anything more is an unkind thing to do to people who have done nothing more than have a cat.

Original poster
Ab4925 · 05/09/2021 20:10

@viques no not a super expensive breed as far as I know.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 05/09/2021 20:12

Does he definitely belong to these neighbours? Any chance of finding out if he's microchipped? I think he's chosen you as his new owner.

peachesarenom · 05/09/2021 20:13

I think it's not unreasonable to ask but be prepared to accept they may say no. Perhaps write a letter explaining what's happened and then ask them in person. Good luck xxx

Iimaginethiswillbefun · 05/09/2021 20:13

In the kindest way OP you are feeding him, of course he is coming back.

My cat has only just come back because the family that basically stole him off my daughter moved. I knew they were feeding him I kept asking them to stop and they denied all knowledge of it even when I would drive past and he would be sitting outside their house!

My daughter was so upset she was in floods of tears over it. She has autism so the cat was her support. The family moved and now the cat has come back. Dd is spoiling him rotten at the moment but I guarantee if anyone else was to do the same he would be off like a shot.

I get you have a connection with the cat but so might this other family and for all you know they are tearing their hair out over it. I know I was.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Iliketeaagain · 05/09/2021 20:14

Oh OP - I can see your distress in your post, and I'm sorry about your mum.

However, I'm not sure you will get the response you want from your neighbours. The fact is, you have been letting their cat in, keeping him overnight sometimes and feeding him. I would be careful your neighbours don't accuse you of stealing their cat - of course he won't go home he is being fed (and FWiW, 9 hours is ok for a cat that isn't moving much - my 2 indoor cats were on a restricted diet because they didn't move as much as outdoor cats, so they were putting weight on).
I do wonder what the neighbours view on it all is; "IABU, neighbour a few doors down has taken to keeping our cat and feeding her, iabu to think she has effectively stolen our cat without thought for vet bills or the impact on our children that their beloved pet has been stolen".

Whatever you decide - just make sure you are strong enough for the answer to be no.

Isitgiroday · 05/09/2021 20:14

Firstly OP, I'm very sorry for your loss - you have been through a lot.Flowers

Do you know if the cat actually goes back to his old owner at all? If he is with you from first until last thing, he may just be going out at night to do his cat thang (they're fairly nocturnal) and coming back to you in the morning, in which case, his original owners might think he's buggered off already! Cats don't just seek out new homes because they're after food, they'll offer be unhappy or stressed where they are and seek out somewhere more suited to their needs - quieter, no annoying children, no other pets (they are often only tolerating other cats in their household!) or changes within the household that they don't like. So really, my point is, it's worth having a chat to the old owner as it sounds like he might have chosen you already! Let us know how you get on.

Gerwurtztraminer · 05/09/2021 20:17

I'd ask them by putting a note through letterbox and give your email and mobile number. They can then choose how to contact you. Knocking on the door is putting them on the spot a bit.

In the note write exactly what you've said in your posts about how it happened, how much the cat has helped and how much time it's spent with you. They will know it's been off with someone all day, just maybe not who with.

My friends acquired a cat exactly this way a few years ago. Like you they didn't feed it it for ages but it kept coming around. In the end they tied a note to the collar with their phone number. Turned out the family had children and another cat which hated it, hence the running away. They handed over custody as they felt cat was happier with 2 retired people as an only cat. They pop round to say hi sometimes and the cat knows them which is sweet.

Even if they say no, at least you tried and will always know how much cat meant to you. Plus owners will know to take care about keeping an eye out for it, given cat probably will go back to your house for a while until it realises you aren't there any more (leave written message for new residents too).

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2021 20:17

I would imagine the owners think the cat has gone already tbh. I hope you can keep him.