Is this CF’ery or am I just a mean spirited old grump.

[Missymisenthrope]

I’ve lost perspective on this so am hoping you’ll all put me straight. I live on a street that leads down to a train station and is close to town so residents require parking permits. We can also pay extra (£12 per year) for a visitors permit. My next door neighbours moved in about seven years ago and since then they have borrowed my visitors permit EVERY single time they have visitors, which is most weekends. I live alone and they are a family with small children, they get a lot more visitors than me. I’ve made the odd comment about getting their own permit but they always laugh it off with things like ‘oh I know, we’re terrible with admin’ etc. I know for a fact it’s not a question of money for them, I think they just can’t be bothered when they can use mine all the time. Incidentally, they very often knock the door for me to ‘lend’ them milk/sugar/store cupboard ingredients. It’s really getting to the point where I feel like refusing to lend it to them anymore because I feel resentful about it. Is that silly?
My question is, AIBU to feel this is cheeky or am I just being a mean spirited cow? If I’m not using it what’s the problem etc.

If you told them you had a friend coming round, would they know that was a lie?

I'd have put a stop to it years ago, they're being CF; maybe not of the highest order, but they're certainly taking the piss. No excuse not to get their own after 7 years.
Some excellent suggestions up thread of what to tell them when they come knocking again.

I would say, "I can't seem to find it at the moment, don't know where it's got to!" Then message then a bit later saying, "Sorry not to be able to help again today. Don't know what's happened to my permit but you can easily get your own here (link)"

I have had to say no many times when I’ve had visitors too (that and chase to get it back off them so that my visitors can use it!) They seem very put out by this and they have asked if I know who else in the street has a permit (I always plead ignorance on that front - I’m not getting anyone else involved!) and then they’ve either parked there anyway and quite often got tickets or they’ve got their visitors to park outside a business which is closed on sundays (it’s has room for two cars on the front but there are clamping signs. The bloody train station car park is only a few hundred yards away, I know it’s not free but still!

“Oops, sorry, can’t seem to find it! Surely you’ve sorted yours by now?”

Post a little note through the door

" From today, kindly remind all your visitors to drop a one pound coin through my letter box EVERY TIME they occupy my parking space".

Also don’t answer the door “sorry I must have been in the shower!”

Tell them you stopped replacing it as you don't use it much.

As everyone has said, tell them you lost it.
Your going to apply for a new one, but if they apply for their own, you should both get one about the same time,

Definitely say no next time.

If you can't just outright say no, you can try:

I may need it that day for visitors / a delivery, so it would be best if you apply for your own.

I haven't renewed mine yet so it would be best if you apply for one as well.

Someone else has borrowed it so you should apply for one of your own.

Also, you haven't yet done the big shop, and if you have, you forgot to buy the one thing they are asking to borrow, and you ran out of milk, and the butter has gone off and the flour is out of date, and you've discovered a slug's nest so you need all the salt, the bread has gone mouldy, and you're not using sugar anymore, and the dog got into the pantry and ate everything else they might possibly want to borrow, including your visitors permit, so actually you're going to need them to lend you a large bottle of wine and their half of the permit fee for the past seven years.

@CelloYouveGotABass

Could you get them the forms for the pass? It may be a very round about way of “encouraging” them to sort it out?

This is genius.

It would be a small amount of faff for a big (& deservedly passively-aggressive) pay-off ... the look on their faces when you hand the CF's the admin forms instead of the pass they think they are entitled to ...

Say no

Give them the forms and say here you go this is so you can get your own

As to the store cupboard stuff I would just say sorry I dont have any myself

I can’t get them the forms or buy them one because it’s all done online with proof of address etc.

Damn!
But instead, you could write/print out a nice neat little note, with the website link helpfully highlighted for them. Hand that over instead of your permit :)

You have the patience of a saint op.

I'd tell them you misplaced it...and isn't it time they got their own?

@SnoopyLights
... the dog got into the pantry and ate everything else they might possibly want to borrow, including your visitors permit, so actually you're going to need them to lend you a large bottle of wine and their half of the permit fee for the past seven years.

Do you have their email address? If not ask for it.

Send them the link and a detailed explanation of how to apply for their own pass.

A bit of a faff but should also be a big hint.

After that say no to all requests for the pass - just say "sorry I need it today" with a smile on your face.

Also, say no to 95% of other requests and don't answer the door to them for a portion "I was in the shower" etc.

Ease them out of the idea that you are their backup for everything - without creating a big row because they are still neighbours.

I would be suspicious about the pass. Apparently people in my area (also walking distance of a station) are selling their visitors passes to commuters.

Can you see / tell who's at your door? I think I'd 'not hear the door' a few times, as a way of stopping them from relying on you so heavily. Claim earphones or something, if asked.

You could just say 'look it's been x years, time to get your own now,' next time they ask, or you have to chase to get it back. Keep it brisk, cheerful and walk away.

They will ask again after that, as they won't have got round to it yet. You'll have to put them off a few times, to wean them off the habit. Maybe you have friends coming (who have to cancel, last minute). Or you don't answer the door.

I wouldn't normally advocate being passive aggressive, or deceptive but telling them straight and weaning them off the habit, are two different things. Unless you are very firm, the latter will be needed to back up the former.

Wow, no, you not being unreasonable. They are cheeky. £12 for a year for visitor parking is so cheap! Where I am, visitor parking is £5 per day, and tickets are not reusable, and there’s a maximum of 50 tickets a year.

Don't find out the information for applying for them. You are not their PA. They can do it themselves. If you find an outright no hard to say, tell them that you left it at work or that you can't find it right now. If they ask for goods, tell them you are out of x right now.

The line between a bit cheeky and CFery, for me, would be it not coming back promptly. You having to go round to get it from them when you need it.

It's the sort of thing I'd have done as a self-absorbed 20-25 year-old, then wondered why they stopped sharing. (Then looked back and cringed about).

Do they ever give or buy you something, say a present at Christmas, as a recognition of your good neighbourliness in supplying them with permits and milk, bread and whatever, whenever? It would be a sign of reciprocating goodwill if they did. Otherwise you will feel you are being taken for granted and shown no consideration when you have been gracious to them. I wouldn't blame you for feeling resentful.

Just start being less available and a change in their behaviour will come about slowly. You've mislaid/ lent your permit and remark casually that you might not bother getting another one as you rarely use it. Will it be okay to borrow theirs?

On the next provisions visit, say you have changed your shopping habits or you're short of everything lately since the recent problems with supplies to supermarkets...'Isn't it terrible...no lorry drivers and with the state of things, I may be coming to you one of these days...ta ra, see you soon.' (You fervently hope not.)

Next time just say "Sorry no, I'm expecting my cousin/sister/friend/lover shortly and they'll need it."

Ref the borrowing of basics, "Oh no, sorry, I'm right out of milk/sugar/flour/anchovies right now" ...

The only way out of this is to be firm.

I don't think it's about the £12. People just get stuck in habits and build up admin tasks to appear bigger than they are. They probably enjoy the neighbourly connection element and tell their friends what a lovely, friendly community they live in.