Is this CF’ery or am I just a mean spirited old grump.

[Missymisenthrope]

I’ve lost perspective on this so am hoping you’ll all put me straight. I live on a street that leads down to a train station and is close to town so residents require parking permits. We can also pay extra (£12 per year) for a visitors permit. My next door neighbours moved in about seven years ago and since then they have borrowed my visitors permit EVERY single time they have visitors, which is most weekends. I live alone and they are a family with small children, they get a lot more visitors than me. I’ve made the odd comment about getting their own permit but they always laugh it off with things like ‘oh I know, we’re terrible with admin’ etc. I know for a fact it’s not a question of money for them, I think they just can’t be bothered when they can use mine all the time. Incidentally, they very often knock the door for me to ‘lend’ them milk/sugar/store cupboard ingredients. It’s really getting to the point where I feel like refusing to lend it to them anymore because I feel resentful about it. Is that silly?
My question is, AIBU to feel this is cheeky or am I just being a mean spirited cow? If I’m not using it what’s the problem etc.

Please update us OP on how the 'My pass is not available to you' & "I don't have spare groceries" convos go.

You have earned your Sainthood.

I will most certainly update you. I wrote this thread as I was fully expecting them to ask to borrow it today. They haven’t yet though. I would love to just say a flat ‘NO’ but in reality I will chicken out and tell them that I need it but it’s about time they got their own and to keep lending it out doesn’t work for me any more. They’ve got a residents permit on their car so they know how to apply for one. They just haven’t bothered, easier to borrow mine.

Some people are just takers. They see it like a bowl of sugar or a mug of milk is neither here nor there. It doesn't cost you much and you have it available. Same goes for a lend of something. It's not like they're keeping it, right? You'll get it back when they're done! 
Same with getting a lift too. It's not much to give someone a ride, right? It only takes a few minutes and you have a car anyway that was just sat there.

But it's fucking annoying. It comes to the point when your phone pings and you see your neighbour's name and you think, "Fucking hell! What do I need to do now?!?!" And then you hide your phone pretending you never saw the message and spend the time waiting for them to knock instead while thinking of various possible reasons to say no to whatever it is.

I'm going through similar OP. My phone is constantly going off with requests for lifts or a lend of XX or XX item. It was my sweeping brush every time it was time to do their floors. My weighing scales when they were following a recipe or my wok when making something too big for their frying pan. There has been cling film requests every other night for a week or two until they bothered buying their own. Milk, sugar, butter and bread were normal requests. Now these aren't people just starting out. They've lived there 30 years and even have an adult daughter who lives at the end of the street. She never gets asked for a lift or supplies but come every hairdressing appointment, doctors or just a lift to the corner shop because it's pouring down I'm getting knocks or messages. Neighbour even asks me to pick them up from the train station a couple of streets away. Yeah it may only be a minute in the car to him but add that to the time (and even just effort) it takes me to stop what I'm doing, get my coat and shoes on, get the car key, lock the front door, drive round, find a parking spot and then wait for however long it takes for the fucking train to arrive!!!

I understand how this has happened @Missymisenthrope . You start out being kind, thinking, it's a one off. It's fine. It's no loss to you. And before you know it you're getting told what you need to do.

I got the balls to pull right back when the messages turned from "is there any chance you could possibly please?" To an outright "listen, I'm going to need you to....". Fuck that right off. OP, get a list of excuses together if you don't want to let their fucking cheek lead to friction. Ease back. Increase the no's with an excuse from once every few times to regular refusals until they stop asking. I've trained mine down to one request a week from dozens. They're getting there. I don't give excuses now either.

It is absolutely not your fault if CFers don't like the no they get and MN would have you telling them to fuck off but if you want to keep the peace and not be on bad terms, gently gently is the way to go. A fall out WOULD be their doing and they certainly would be in the wrong, but do YOU want that hassle?

@Missymisenthrope

I will most certainly update you. I wrote this thread as I was fully expecting them to ask to borrow it today. They haven’t yet though. I would love to just say a flat ‘NO’ but in reality I will chicken out and tell them that I need it but it’s about time they got their own and to keep lending it out doesn’t work for me any more. They’ve got a residents permit on their car so they know how to apply for one. They just haven’t bothered, easier to borrow mine.

Maybe they read the thread!

@AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour yes! This is exactly how it goes isn’t it. I’ve had requests for cake tins, larger cake tins when the first one I provided wasn’t big enough 🙄, paintbrushes, spatulas, etc. When they had been in about 6 months they asked for my Netflix log in (they knew I had it because I mentioned something I’d been watching), I told them I used my daughters account. Writing all of this down has made me realise what a bloody pushover I’ve been. It doesn’t seem as bad when it’s little by little though.

@JamieNorthlife well I was thinking that! 🙈 I haven’t been very good at disguising the situation!

Have you thought about just saying no, you don't have to explain yourself. You are being a complete doormat.

I think they probably are disorganised with admin if they frequently run out of sugar, milk etc.

I'd stop answering the door.

I'd also tell them (when renewals come round) that you won't be renewing your permit so they need to apply for their own, then keep your permit for your visitors.

Alternatively tell them they owe you £6 towards the permit they frequently use

[quote Missymisenthrope]@AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour yes! This is exactly how it goes isn’t it. I’ve had requests for cake tins, larger cake tins when the first one I provided wasn’t big enough 🙄, paintbrushes, spatulas, etc. When they had been in about 6 months they asked for my Netflix log in (they knew I had it because I mentioned something I’d been watching), I told them I used my daughters account. Writing all of this down has made me realise what a bloody pushover I’ve been. It doesn’t seem as bad when it’s little by little though.[/quote]
Mine started when a member of their household passed away unexpectedly. I said those words, "Let me know if there's anything at all I can do to help"

Shit.

You have to say no. Similar situation but regarding garden waste. I pay £72 a year to get my garden waste collected fortnightly. A neighbour over the road noticed I hadn't put anything out for collection and asked if they could 'borrow' my bags and put their waste in my garden. I said yes. BIG mistake! Every time I didn't have anything put out they then knocked on my door. I quickly learned the power of NO with a smile and offered to help them to subscribe to their own collection. They declined my offer and started hiding garden waste in bin bags and putting it in general waste 🙄 They are CFs OP, smile and say no.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Have you thought about just saying no, you don't have to explain yourself. You are being a complete doormat.

CFers don't usually like to be told straight. They get offended and cause anything from a bit of neighbour friction to an all out feud that could potentially make OP's life hell. Yes it would be 100% the neighbour's fault but that doesn't help the OP live harmoniously on her street whilst not needing to do neighbour favours.

Gently gently is the solution for some CFers you need to keep friendly. By definition they are fuckers. Cheeky ones at that. We already know they are not reasonable people and they're cheeky because they don't see what they're doing is out of order.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I actually think doormat is an understatement. I’m a terrible people pleaser but I am determined to say no this time.

They’ve got visitors over now. They’re all in the back garden. I’ve been in the garden too (glorious weather) so they may well have knocked the door but I didn’t hear.

If you don't want to say 'no', tell them your visitor forgot to take it out take it out of their car the last time they called.
Then just keep telling them you haven't got it back yet.

[quote Missymisenthrope]@Shehasadiamondinthesky I actually think doormat is an understatement. I’m a terrible people pleaser but I am determined to say no this time.[/quote]
First time's the hardest, OP.
It certainly gets easier with practice.

The thing to remember is that CF's have no regard for you as a person, you are just an entity that fills their needs, so focus on that & let them dislike your new responses.

They're not your friends, you don't need their approval.

"It's at the laminator's, as it was wearing a bit thin"

This is absolutely brilliant.

How disorganised with admin can you be? I'm not the best but i seem to manage to check if there is milk and bread etc in the house and if I'm short an ingredient, I either make something else, go and get it or substitute something else or do without. Most folk seem to manage that. Neighbour only borrowed milk once because she had a 4 pint in her fridge that was off when she went to use it - was in date but must have had a broken seal or something. Her DH was out and she was in with 4 kids, 2 that were ready for bed and she didn't fancy a trip to the supermarket. I was happy to help. That was years ago and no request since.

My ex was like this. His house and shed is full of things with other people's names and addresses written on them. (In some cases I'm sure because he was such a repeat borrower they - rightfully - feared never getting the thing returned to them.) Some people genuinely don't see why you'd buy something when you can just borrow.

You have to make it annoying for them. Prepare a lie you can deliver convincingly. If they ask for your pass and you have no visitors scheduled tell them a guest accidentally drove off with it. Whatever they want from your kitchen, you ran out. You need to break their association of you as first port of call for anything. It's quite possible they're not being deliberate CF's, they just see you as very accommodating and liking to help them. You have to disabuse them of that image!

I cannot believe they asked for your Netflix login!!!

Freeloading twats.

I think I would stop answering tge door when they knock, and always be in a rush if they see you outside.

@Atalune

I cannot believe they asked for your Netflix login!!!

Freeloading twats.

This always amazes me, see a lot of it on MN.

"Sure, & can I syphon off half the petrol in your tank? Also, I see you have food in your fridge - can I have half of it? & my son really likes your son's bike, can he have it for a fortnight a month?"

"Oh, my last visitor forgot to hand it back to me, so I'm waiting for her/him to return it." Smile.

Every time.

Just don't open the door!

@forrestgreen

Sorry I don't think you gave it back last time....

This! Best option all round. If they insist they did, say “well I can’t find it”, and shut the door.

@Atalune Yep!. They said the kids wanted to watch a film and they hadn’t had time to sort it yet. Luckily I didn’t feel comfortable giving password information over.