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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want in laws taking over our new flat?

162 replies

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:13

DH has worked for the last 5 years to save money to buy an apartment in Turkey. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 2 bed apartment in a nice city. When we have enough cash to make the move, we’re planning to go over there and DH will quit his job here. The reason for moving is that it’s closer to his own culture than where we currently are We’ve sacrificed a lot. We’ve gone without buying ourselves new clothes, shoes and even not used heating in Winter when it’s freezing cold. On top of this DH regularly sends money to his mother and other relatives back home. DH dropped a bomb on me that he wants to put his younger brother, wife and their baby in the flat and we can go every year for holidays for 6 weeks. I didn’t know that this was his plan all along and I feel deceived and cheated. I don’t want these people in OUR flat, destroying something that we saved for and sacrificed comforts for. On top of that they are dirty people and I know they won’t keep the flat in good condition. Also, they won’t be paying any rent or any bills. I feel really weird about my DH providing for his brother and his wife. Especially the part about providing ANYTHING for another woman.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 05/09/2021 10:17

I don’t get the bit about providing anything for another woman, but I would be annoyed you sacrificing so much for basically providing a free house for someone else.

Why won’t they be paying bills?

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:19

@toomuchlaundry

I don’t get the bit about providing anything for another woman, but I would be annoyed you sacrificing so much for basically providing a free house for someone else.

Why won’t they be paying bills?

I mean that flat was meant to be for us, for me as his wife and he’s given another woman a home instead. I don’t want that woman in our flat.
OP posts:
Angryfrommanchester1 · 05/09/2021 10:21

Wow, I’m not surprised you’re not happy about this, and this is a ‘big thing’.
Why do you think he’s not been honest and upfront about his intentions?

Excelthetube · 05/09/2021 10:22

Are you from the same culture

Xmassprout · 05/09/2021 10:22

This would be a deal breaker for me.

He has essentially bought his brother a house on the pretence it is for you and your husband

willithappen · 05/09/2021 10:23

It's not exactly just 'another woman' though is it? It's his sister in law...

Does your partner own this house himself/paid for himself or have you both bought it jointly? How long until you were going over there?
If it's going to be empty while you are not there then would make sense to let family stay. I'd just suggest to partner that they at least pay a little something when there

thinkfast · 05/09/2021 10:24

Do you have children with DH? I wouldn't want to be moving overseas with kids with a man who pulled a stunt like this. I'd worry about being trapped there and not being able to get back to the UK with the kids

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:24

@willithappen

It's not exactly just 'another woman' though is it? It's his sister in law...

Does your partner own this house himself/paid for himself or have you both bought it jointly? How long until you were going over there?
If it's going to be empty while you are not there then would make sense to let family stay. I'd just suggest to partner that they at least pay a little something when there

He has bought it. His brother is planning to live there permanently and make it their forever home, all on my DH’s dime. I hate the idea of his wife getting to decorate our flat and make it her own while we live in a shabby apartment.
OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 10:26

This is awful. So he’s pulled the wool over your eyes to buy a property for his sibling to live in?

I’d guess you aren’t from the same culture but I could be wrong. Even if you are from the same culture the goalposts have been changed.

toomuchlaundry · 05/09/2021 10:27

Why are you so anti the wife? What about the brother in law? What about what your DH has done! Will you be paying for their electricity etc?

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:27

@Gonnagetgoing

This is awful. So he’s pulled the wool over your eyes to buy a property for his sibling to live in?

I’d guess you aren’t from the same culture but I could be wrong. Even if you are from the same culture the goalposts have been changed.

I’m white he's arab but we’re both Muslim
OP posts:
femfemlicious · 05/09/2021 10:28

That is crazy!. What reason has he given for this?. Why has he decided to not move there as planned

Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 10:28

So you live in a shabby apartment in the UK now?

As I said your goalposts have been chenged.

Personally this would be a deal changer for me and unless he reneged on his promise to you I’d be seeing a divorce lawyer and getting my ducks in a row.

katemuff · 05/09/2021 10:28

Yeah, you're not moving over there in a few years op. You're stopping where you are grafting to provide for his family. They're his priority. Is your name on all the paperwork? Can you sell the apartment and recoup your losses?

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:28

@toomuchlaundry

Why are you so anti the wife? What about the brother in law? What about what your DH has done! Will you be paying for their electricity etc?
Well DH already pays for everything where they currently live in their own country. They live in a family property and don’t pay rent. DH pays all bills and sends money for their other expenses. Don’t see that changing when they move to our flat.
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2021 10:29

Tell him no then! It’s your apartment and yours to live in.

Or otherwise divorce him and take your half.

JustLyra · 05/09/2021 10:30

So your husband has conned you into scrimping and saving for a home that he never intended you to live in?

The only further discussions I’d have on that flat would be how it was going to be handled in our divorce.

Add in the fact that your “he bought it” comment seems to suggest it’s all, conveniently, in his name suggests financial abuse - he has stolen your contribution to that flat to house his brother.

Run.

PaddleBlue · 05/09/2021 10:30

So has he been lying all along?

toomuchlaundry · 05/09/2021 10:30

Is it a cultural thing to provide for siblings? I know it can be for parents.

Travis1 · 05/09/2021 10:30

So what does your husband envisage when he gives up his job and you move there?

timeisnotaline · 05/09/2021 10:30

This would be a game changer for me too, I’d tell him I didn’t scrimp for his brother so if we can’t agree we have to sell the flat so we can live somewhere nicer here.
The other women bit is nuts though, please leave that out of your discussions with your husband, she’s his brothers wife.

Excelthetube · 05/09/2021 10:31

Just say no. It’s pretty simple.

katemuff · 05/09/2021 10:31

'He bought it'
Sounds like you've been absolutely fucked over OP. Do you have any claim on it at all? Do you have children?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/09/2021 10:32

This is outrageous...

I would have no problem close family members staying for a month between house moves... But definitely this..

I would be outraged at being hoodwinked...

Especjally the permanance of his brother living there... Ans presumably you continuing to financially support this couple when you're deprived of the asset you've gone without for...

I'd be furious... In fact it would be LTB territory.

Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 10:32

To be honest I’m always slightly suspicious and have never got involved with a man who’s from another culture where they’re expected to support the family. Not all families expect their relatives living abroad to support them but a few do.

In fact I’ve heard from a few friends that some of their relatives are under an illusion that life in the west comes with a big pay packet and therefore you’re expected to support them, or pay more to support them, even if you don’t earn much yourself! Bonkers!