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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want in laws taking over our new flat?

162 replies

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:13

DH has worked for the last 5 years to save money to buy an apartment in Turkey. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 2 bed apartment in a nice city. When we have enough cash to make the move, we’re planning to go over there and DH will quit his job here. The reason for moving is that it’s closer to his own culture than where we currently are We’ve sacrificed a lot. We’ve gone without buying ourselves new clothes, shoes and even not used heating in Winter when it’s freezing cold. On top of this DH regularly sends money to his mother and other relatives back home. DH dropped a bomb on me that he wants to put his younger brother, wife and their baby in the flat and we can go every year for holidays for 6 weeks. I didn’t know that this was his plan all along and I feel deceived and cheated. I don’t want these people in OUR flat, destroying something that we saved for and sacrificed comforts for. On top of that they are dirty people and I know they won’t keep the flat in good condition. Also, they won’t be paying any rent or any bills. I feel really weird about my DH providing for his brother and his wife. Especially the part about providing ANYTHING for another woman.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 05/09/2021 21:26

Just say no. Get half the money back for yourself. Your needs obviously come lower than his family.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/09/2021 23:33

Is he worried about the repercussions if he refused to allow his DBro move in? Would it be frowned upon by other family members if he says no?
Would it cause trouble if you eventually live there.
He has a big decision to make.

orangejumpsuit · 06/09/2021 07:00

@GertietheGherkin
Good grief that's a whole lot of generalisations there 😳

But we will draw conclusions snd sweeping generalisations based on what we have to go on. The OP has been asked all those questions and hasn't answered them! We don't know if her name is on the deeds, or if they have kids, or if she changed her religion to be with this man. We don't know if she has personally worked or claimed benefits or contributed personally to the flat.

hedgehogger1 · 06/09/2021 07:07

Divorce. You are always going to be bottom of the priority list. Did you contribute financially to the flat? Consider it a lucky escape

Ellmau · 06/09/2021 07:43

If BIL and SIL are from Syria or Iraq, wouldn’t they be basically refugees? That puts a different spin on it to me.

astoundedgoat · 06/09/2021 07:57

I wonder if you converted to Islam to marry him?

If you don’t have children, don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy. You have seen definitively where you come in his list of priorities, and how he values honesty in marriage (ie, low and low).

Don’t stay with him out of a reluctance to admit you were wrong about him.

If you completely cool with this being your standing in his life, then you just have to suck it up. This is the way it will always be. His status in his family means - and depends on - supporting his parents and siblings. It used to be very common in many countries. Even in Ireland in the 50’s, if you owned a shop or small business, that might mean you were responsible for the extended family. If you don’t like it you have to leave.

MsHedgehog · 06/09/2021 08:02

@Ellmau

If BIL and SIL are from Syria or Iraq, wouldn’t they be basically refugees? That puts a different spin on it to me.
No, of course not. Not every Iraqi or Syrian in Turkey is a refugee. Many have been there for a long time.
LaBellina · 06/09/2021 08:11

Wow I would be utterly, utterly livid. He has conned you and I couldn’t forgive this utter betrayal.

I know divorce isn’t something easily done in Islam but he has proven himself to be untrustworthy and I wouldn’t want to move outside of the UK with him. Please consider your options, personally I would consider this betrayal worse then cheating, he must have walked around for years with this plan and now he has shown you his true colors.
No coming back from this.

ForPeaceSake · 08/09/2021 07:59

On the contrary, divorce is not difficult in Islam. OP can seek a separation as her DH isn't supporting her, and it's not because he is poor but because he's using the money elsewhere, which is not right. However, OP I think you should have a serious conversation with your DH about what he intends for the flat, did he intentionally deceive you, and how he sees your future together.

NewlyGranny · 08/09/2021 08:13

You're not going to get those holidays either, are you? There's no chance BiL and family will move out annually to make room for you there. Even if they did, the place would be full of their stuff which they'd be popping back to fetch all the time, and you'd spend a week exhausting yourself cleaning and washing everything.

Sorry, OP, you've been conned.

Plumtree391 · 08/09/2021 12:12

@ForPeaceSake

On the contrary, divorce is not difficult in Islam. OP can seek a separation as her DH isn't supporting her, and it's not because he is poor but because he's using the money elsewhere, which is not right. However, OP I think you should have a serious conversation with your DH about what he intends for the flat, did he intentionally deceive you, and how he sees your future together.
That's a sensible post. This matter does need to be discussed.

I agree that divorce is not difficult in Islam, plenty of Muslims divorce and remarry, same as anyone else. Obviously the legal aspect of the divorce would go ahead like any other but there isn't a religious prohibition.

PegasusReturns · 08/09/2021 12:30

So what do you want to do OP?

It seems your DH has conned you. That would be the end for me.

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