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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want in laws taking over our new flat?

162 replies

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:13

DH has worked for the last 5 years to save money to buy an apartment in Turkey. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 2 bed apartment in a nice city. When we have enough cash to make the move, we’re planning to go over there and DH will quit his job here. The reason for moving is that it’s closer to his own culture than where we currently are We’ve sacrificed a lot. We’ve gone without buying ourselves new clothes, shoes and even not used heating in Winter when it’s freezing cold. On top of this DH regularly sends money to his mother and other relatives back home. DH dropped a bomb on me that he wants to put his younger brother, wife and their baby in the flat and we can go every year for holidays for 6 weeks. I didn’t know that this was his plan all along and I feel deceived and cheated. I don’t want these people in OUR flat, destroying something that we saved for and sacrificed comforts for. On top of that they are dirty people and I know they won’t keep the flat in good condition. Also, they won’t be paying any rent or any bills. I feel really weird about my DH providing for his brother and his wife. Especially the part about providing ANYTHING for another woman.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 10:54

I think the main thing here is trust. He’s betrayed your trust.

Please see a British solicitor about your rights and don’t let him and his family pull the law over your eyes if they try to pull the Sharia Law stuff. Had a friend mention this to me ages ago, Muslim and assumed as she was living in England and working and paying a mortgage that Sharia Law covered her assets and rights etc. I soon put her right and referred her to my then boss (solicitor)
when she decided for other reasons she wanted a divorce.

LakieLady · 05/09/2021 10:54

This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. He has had you scrimping and scraping under false pretences.

Do you own the place you live in, OP, or is it rented? I'd be surprised if the UK courts could force the sale and split the proceeds of an asset overseas if you split, but if there are assets here they could offset the value of the Turkey property and give you a bigger share of the assets here.

He's put you in an awful position. I'd never be able to trust someone again if they'd done that to me.

Winter2020 · 05/09/2021 10:55

Your husband isn't concerned with either your comfort or your opinion. Is that something you can live with? If not leave him.

Greystray · 05/09/2021 10:55

I think you are being a bit odd to fixate on your BIL's wife and not your BIL - would you be happier if only your BIL lived in the property? - but you definitely are getting screwed over here.

It sounds like your DH is so enamoured with being the big hero and provider of his family that he doesn't care that his own wife has to go without.

First thing you need to do is stop sacrificing anything. If your DH can hand out homes, he can afford to heat his own, and clothe his own family.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2021 10:56

I think you do need to work out what happens to non U.K. assets if you get divorced. I agree with a pp that he seems on the face of it to be putting assets out of your reach, or trying to.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2021 10:56

The bit about the wife is odd though. Don’t say that but.

KatherineJaneway · 05/09/2021 10:59

It would be a deal breaker for me. The lies and deception not to mention living frugally for years to benefit someone else.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2021 11:00

At least if you divorce him you'll get half of the cost of the flat back

Good luck with that; OP assumes it's in his name, but then she assumed he meant what he said about saving for their own place. Also, if there's the slightest hint of divorce, the money they've saved could easily "disappear" and end up with his family anyway

This sort of thing happens so often when someone marries into another culture, and really it's either learn to live with the compromises or divorce

Personally I'd go with the latter, but as said there could well be consequences if OP doesn't plan very carefully

Carboncheque · 05/09/2021 11:00

Whatever you believed it sounds like that was always your DH’s plan. It’s a natural extension of him supporting his relatives financially. If he could easily afford to do it then it might not be an issue but he can’t. You’ve gone without heating, curbed your spending and are living in a ‘shabby flat’ to save money to give to his family.

He obviously believes it’s something he needs to do and he’s willing to put their needs before yours. Does he put their needs before his own? You’ve mentioned the things that you feel you’ve sacrificed - clothes, shoes, going without heating, the place you live. Is he going without? Some people aren’t really invested in where they live - it’s just a place to sleep. What material things matter to him? Cars? Going out with friends? Tech? Has he gone without?

Supporting his family is a lifelong commitment. There is always going to be something they need. His mother, his siblings, their children. He’s not going to stop doing it. You need to decide what you can live with.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 05/09/2021 11:01

It seems that there could be some financial abuse going on, OP.

No pressure, but here is an organisation that might be able to help you, if you feel you need support:

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/issuesstep2.php?id=14

MoonahStone · 05/09/2021 11:01

The OP won't get back the money already spent if it's been used to purchase property in Turkey.

Baileyscheesecake · 05/09/2021 11:04

Are you sure he's not intending his brother to live there for just the interim years until he retires and you move out there to live? Otherwise it would just be empty for the weeks you're not holidaying there. Ask him what has happened to his retirement plans.

Payproblems · 05/09/2021 11:04

This will sound harsh but there is no "our", there is no flat.

SW1amp · 05/09/2021 11:07

I used to have someone who worked for me who was in a relationship like this.
Every last penny had to get sent back to his family in Brazil

When they had a baby, he was hassling her into going back to work at 6 months so they could send more money home, he was just completely blind to the idea that anyone should come before his family back home.

The final straw for me was when I upgraded my phone and gave her my old phone as hers wasn’t working very well

A few days later, she came into work with her old phone
I asked her what had happened. The boyfriend had made her give the newer phone to him brother, who had been complaining on a FaceTime call that his phone was too old

She did eventually split up with him, and he moved 60 miles away to a notoriously awful, but very cheap, seaside town, where he is in a tiny flat

It’s so unsuitable for his son that he barely sees him. But that doesn’t matter to him as long as he can carry on sending money back to Brazil

It’s almost like he is brainwashed. Nothing can make him see the lunacy

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 11:08

Would they move out for the six weeks you are there? That's if they do move in, surely they won't if you object. After all, it is your flat too. If they do live there most or a lot of the time, they should pay something towards it.

I too do not understand why you said, "Especially the part about providing ANYTHING for another woman". A sister in law is a relative, like a sister, not 'Another' woman, surely?

RiversideAnne · 05/09/2021 11:08

YANBU, absolutely bizarre scenario.

Puffalicious · 05/09/2021 11:09

Why didn't you make sure your name was on the deeds too? Without that I reckon you've lost rights? Someone who knows Turkish law may be able to advise. Poor you, this is shocking.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 05/09/2021 11:11

Tell him in your culture men provide for their wives first and foremost.
Or Ltb and keep the flat...

Fadingout · 05/09/2021 11:12

That’s terrible! So he’s lied to you. You’ve gone without to fund an apartment for you and your DH except he’s giving it to his brother. The deceit would be the part that would get me. He’s misled you deliberately. I would leave and take 50% of my property abroad with me.

Gilly12345 · 05/09/2021 11:12

It sounds to me like Hubby has had his own agenda and now tells you his plan!

I would be not happy with the lack of communication regarding this especially with the sacrifices you have made.

Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 11:13

@SW1amp

I used to have someone who worked for me who was in a relationship like this. Every last penny had to get sent back to his family in Brazil

When they had a baby, he was hassling her into going back to work at 6 months so they could send more money home, he was just completely blind to the idea that anyone should come before his family back home.

The final straw for me was when I upgraded my phone and gave her my old phone as hers wasn’t working very well

A few days later, she came into work with her old phone
I asked her what had happened. The boyfriend had made her give the newer phone to him brother, who had been complaining on a FaceTime call that his phone was too old

She did eventually split up with him, and he moved 60 miles away to a notoriously awful, but very cheap, seaside town, where he is in a tiny flat

It’s so unsuitable for his son that he barely sees him. But that doesn’t matter to him as long as he can carry on sending money back to Brazil

It’s almost like he is brainwashed. Nothing can make him see the lunacy

Similar issue with a friend of mine who went to Peru and married a much younger native Peruvian Indian. They got married, he came to live in London with her and she sadly had a miscarriage. He wanted to send money home to his parents and she helped with this, they were married. After the miscarriage and his not being able to find work she luckily got divorced and paid him off but he could’ve gone after half her flat which was in her name and mortgaged (she was in mid to late 30s).
Ourlady · 05/09/2021 11:15

Well he's shown you what he thinks of you. He doesn't care about you one bit.
You had no nice things and scrimped and saved to buy a house for someone else.
I would honestly divorce him over this.
What a twat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2021 11:16

Your husband is telling you where you are in the pecking order. Believe him and try to be thankful that you found out who he is before you moved… if there ever is such a move.

Absolute deal breaker for me. Did you convert to Islam to marry? Divorce the only way Imo.

HoppingPavlova · 05/09/2021 11:16

He has bought it.

Okay, so in that case it’s not ‘our’ flat. I’m guessing even though you are married, as it is located outside the UK it is ‘his’ flat. Why is it not in both your names?

You have come on here in a rage but what has your DH said when you have discussed this with him?

LH1987 · 05/09/2021 11:17

This is truly bizarre behaviour! Can you refuse to allow it to happen? I appreciate that might be difficult depending on the marriage dynamic.