AIBU to not want in laws taking over our new flat?

[Goodfry2024]

DH has worked for the last 5 years to save money to buy an apartment in Turkey. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 2 bed apartment in a nice city. When we have enough cash to make the move, we’re planning to go over there and DH will quit his job here. The reason for moving is that it’s closer to his own culture than where we currently are We’ve sacrificed a lot. We’ve gone without buying ourselves new clothes, shoes and even not used heating in Winter when it’s freezing cold. On top of this DH regularly sends money to his mother and other relatives back home. DH dropped a bomb on me that he wants to put his younger brother, wife and their baby in the flat and we can go every year for holidays for 6 weeks. I didn’t know that this was his plan all along and I feel deceived and cheated. I don’t want these people in OUR flat, destroying something that we saved for and sacrificed comforts for. On top of that they are dirty people and I know they won’t keep the flat in good condition. Also, they won’t be paying any rent or any bills. I feel really weird about my DH providing for his brother and his wife. Especially the part about providing ANYTHING for another woman.

Divorce. He's shown you where you are in importance and it is below every other f&$%er! The isn't going to change and honestly I don't think you will change him from this view. Accept it or leave but this was clearly his plan all along, your sacrifice for the last few years isn't important to him.

Even if it is a cultural or religious requirement, I don't think lying to your wife about it is!

@Monestera OP said she’s white and her DH Arab and both Muslim.

That's my point. She's still not saying what their cultural backgrounds are. Was she brought up in the UK? Was she brought up in Islam or converted? How come he's Arabic with family in Turkey? Telling us her skin colour isn't really telling us anything. It's almost as though she's kept highly pertinent information from her posts.

Hell, no! They don’t get to live off you! Have they no shame? I’d either sell it or rent it out as a holiday home for when you don’t want to be there. Be brave and stand up for this one, presumably you have contributed to the buying of the flat?

I'm sorry this is LTB territory for my as well. The deceit is staggering and I bet you were the only person who didn't know the real reason.
It's a marital asset so tomorrow I would be calling some good solicitors and taking advise

I wonder if OP had to convert so she could marry and be accepted in the family

A friend of mine got stung into paying half for a house abroad, supposedly for them as a couple. He had an OW over there and the house was actually for them. The laws in that country were on their side and my friend lost a lot of money.

I agree with others, divorce and get half if you can. I have heard too many horror stories to ever put a significant amount of money into a relationship, in such a way that I could lose it.

Orangelady32 I think we're supposed to report if we have doubts, rather than troll hunt

You may or may not be right, but even if so I rarely think these threads are a complete waste. After all, if it saves just one more woman from making the same mistake ...

I would be outraged and looking for a good divorce lawyer!

@Elieza

Re why’s the OP saying the in-laws are dirty: I’m presuming the OP has said this as it’s true.

I have a friend I feel is dirty. I wouldn’t eat in her house. Her carpets always seem filthy. Her kitchen loaded with dirty plates etc

Perhaps the OP is saying that because she has seen it herself and it’s true?

It may not be, as some seem to think, a comment aimed at all Turkish people.

I’ve seen the house they live in which is dirty and btw they’re not Turkish but from a nearby country. They want to move to Turkey.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

But lots of people from that sort of culture send money back to parents and other relatives.

It is a shame that you did not realise this before you married him especially as you are also a muslim..

My friend who was muslim was advised by her mother (who was also muslim) not to marry a muslim unless she was sure that he was totally westernised for exactly this sort of reason. Her mother said that when you marry a muslim you are marrying the whole family and unless she was prepared to do this, she should avoid.

I’m side eyeing that advice from your friend seeing as Muslim women aren’t allowed to marry non Muslim men, so how Muslim could her mum have been if she advised that..

@Goodfry2024 I’ve had this advise from Muslims too, including my late husbands parents and male friends, I know it’s haram.

But is he Iraqi? Syrian? Or from one of the other 20 Arab countries?

I wonder if he's from North Africa, like my father.

The worst part of all of this is 1) he has lied and 2) he is spending you family money to do something you don't agree with. What are you going to do about it?

Youve been hoodwinked and betrayed. Muslim, Arab, white, makes no difference.

The person you trusted has lied and cheated you. Balls in your court OP, so get legal advice.

He fucks you over generally, let's you go without, including heat and this is just more of the same. Not sure what you were expecting tbh.

Fuck him off or put up with it, he won't change.

Did you change your religion for him?

Do you claim benefits posing as a single parent or support him here in the UK by working all the hours so he can send 100% of his income to his family back home, none of whom work?

Did he need to get married to you to get a visa to stay in this country?

There is always a script with this type of man, OP.

You can kiss goodbye to that flat. It's not worth seeing a solicitor other. There is nothing a UK solicitor can do about property owned by your DH in Turkey.

@THisbackwithavengeance What type of man?

From PP:
The split assets advice is all very well but does British law dictate what happens to a property in Turkey? Not going to be an easy one to solve.

Above times 1000.

I was with you until you started turning your anger at the woman. That's frankly, fucking weird.

@THisbackwithavengeance

Did you change your religion for him?

Do you claim benefits posing as a single parent or support him here in the UK by working all the hours so he can send 100% of his income to his family back home, none of whom work?

Did he need to get married to you to get a visa to stay in this country?

There is always a script with this type of man, OP.

You can kiss goodbye to that flat. It's not worth seeing a solicitor other. There is nothing a UK solicitor can do about property owned by your DH in Turkey.

Good grief that's a whole lot of generalisations there 😳

So much here that's been left unsaid.
I have a property in Turkey and a Muslim husband of 20 years. If your name isn't on the Tapu then you will have no claim on the apartment. You should have thought of this before he purchased the property. Did he not suggest putting both your names on the Tapu? Did no alarm bells ring?
Your needs and desires and wellbeing are quite a way down the pecking order but I'm sure you know this already. You are very aware of how these people view their relatives. It is an honour for many Muslim men to provide money and support and all sorts of advantages to their families back home. In fact, it almost becomes their lifes work. I dont quite know what you were expecting to hear from everyone here? You either accept that you arnt number 1 in his life or you get out.

I'd be furious OP.
You both have sacrificed a lot.
Is it his culture to be so generous, I can understand helping his DM.

@yoyo1234

From PP: The split assets advice is all very well but does British law dictate what happens to a property in Turkey? Not going to be an easy one to solve.

Above times 1000.

Doesn't really matter if they split assets out with the UK or not. If she stays with him she will continue to be financially abused by him and family. Even if she walks away with nothing her next pay cheque would be all hers. It's cutting the costs going forward.

YANBU, I’m Muslim too, and I agree with a pp, you’ve scrimped and saved to buy BIL and SIL a new flat.

DH and I are both Pakistani, and generous with family but your DH is taking it too far.

OP, they will NEVER move out. You need to tell your DH that this is not happening.

Remember, the flat does not belmg to him, it’s a joint marital asset.

You re right, you wont get the flat back later as it 'll mean making a child homeless. How much money of your own have you put into it? ... As it looks like a subsidy to his brother.
More to the point his brother should be arranging the air bnb of the flat when you are not there, for a fair, or even generous commission.