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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want in laws taking over our new flat?

162 replies

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:13

DH has worked for the last 5 years to save money to buy an apartment in Turkey. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 2 bed apartment in a nice city. When we have enough cash to make the move, we’re planning to go over there and DH will quit his job here. The reason for moving is that it’s closer to his own culture than where we currently are We’ve sacrificed a lot. We’ve gone without buying ourselves new clothes, shoes and even not used heating in Winter when it’s freezing cold. On top of this DH regularly sends money to his mother and other relatives back home. DH dropped a bomb on me that he wants to put his younger brother, wife and their baby in the flat and we can go every year for holidays for 6 weeks. I didn’t know that this was his plan all along and I feel deceived and cheated. I don’t want these people in OUR flat, destroying something that we saved for and sacrificed comforts for. On top of that they are dirty people and I know they won’t keep the flat in good condition. Also, they won’t be paying any rent or any bills. I feel really weird about my DH providing for his brother and his wife. Especially the part about providing ANYTHING for another woman.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 05/09/2021 11:18

He has been very deceitful. I would think about leaving him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/09/2021 11:20

Why didn't you make sure your name was on the deeds too?

Somehow I doubt he'd have agreed to that - almost certainly there'd have been somes "rules" in Turkey to prevent it, or some other excuse

Heliachi · 05/09/2021 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

MsHedgehog · 05/09/2021 11:21

What the fuck do you mean by “they are dirty people”. Messy, understandable, but dirty???

Putting aside you’re disgusting description of them, there is a legitimate question of whether that was always his plan or his parents / brother persuaded him to let them live there.

Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 11:21

@SW1amp

I used to have someone who worked for me who was in a relationship like this. Every last penny had to get sent back to his family in Brazil

When they had a baby, he was hassling her into going back to work at 6 months so they could send more money home, he was just completely blind to the idea that anyone should come before his family back home.

The final straw for me was when I upgraded my phone and gave her my old phone as hers wasn’t working very well

A few days later, she came into work with her old phone
I asked her what had happened. The boyfriend had made her give the newer phone to him brother, who had been complaining on a FaceTime call that his phone was too old

She did eventually split up with him, and he moved 60 miles away to a notoriously awful, but very cheap, seaside town, where he is in a tiny flat

It’s so unsuitable for his son that he barely sees him. But that doesn’t matter to him as long as he can carry on sending money back to Brazil

It’s almost like he is brainwashed. Nothing can make him see the lunacy

I was seeing a Brazilian guy for a while. Lovely man and I had no idea of his financial situation and didn’t want to ask. He was very generous but reluctant to commit to me eg re children but did want us to live together. He told me he had a young daughter with an ex girlfriend in Brazil who he supported but no idea if he supported his parents. The slightly worrying situation was when he told me he was here on a tourist visa, had overstayed and was working in a bar but therefore couldn’t return home to see his family easily in case when he returned to the UK the immigration authorities wouldn’t let him back in.

I do think if cultures are very different you have to be careful.

Another friend of mine (actually half Iraqui) met a Tunisian man. He wanted to get married to her etc and they got engaged. Turned out he was mostly after a visa etc in England but he also got her paying to him to help his family out back home. She felt sorry for him and them. Then discovered he had lots of savings and a property portfolio in Tunisia.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/09/2021 11:21

Do you work OP? Have you children?

You mention you have scrimped and saved but not that you earned the money to buy this place. You've been lied to that's for sure but from the sound it it, it's not your money anyway.

Sounds like you either need to leave him and earn your own money to make your own choices or you stay with him and earn money for yourself to do what you'd like.

FortunesFave · 05/09/2021 11:26

Divorce him. It's the only way, Then they won't get to live in it and you'll get your share back.

PluggingAway · 05/09/2021 11:29

This is a gigantic, long running lie. Just sit down and actually try and count up all of the lies he has told you about this. Think back to all those freezing cold winters. All the times he watched you suffer and struggle and go without.

I would be speaking to a divorce lawyer tomorrow to get some advice.

Wizzbangfizz · 05/09/2021 11:31

This is bizarre and I would be livid, doesn't his brother work?

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 05/09/2021 11:32

So you've both made sacrifices to purchase a property in Turkey where you intend to move into when it's the right time. But actually your DH never intended for it to be his and your home? And is instead happy for your brother and his wife to live there FOREVER?

lemoncrisp · 05/09/2021 11:33

I think it is culturally normal in Turkey for the eldest brother to be responsible for housing younger siblings, and parents. When my English cousin married her Turkish husband she was aware of this. He had a block of 3 flats built and parents lived on ground floor, his younger brother's family on middle floor and they had the top floor. My cousin was never totally happy about family all living so close but accepted that it was part of the culture she was marrying into. She had a very long and happy marriage. Its horrible that your partner was not honest with you.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2021 11:35

What do you mean by - 'HE has worked very hard and HE has bought a flat'? What has your contribution been?

BroccoliFloret · 05/09/2021 11:37

@Fadingout

That’s terrible! So he’s lied to you. You’ve gone without to fund an apartment for you and your DH except he’s giving it to his brother. The deceit would be the part that would get me. He’s misled you deliberately. I would leave and take 50% of my property abroad with me.
There is no 50% of the property abroad though. It has been bought in her husband's name. She has no rights over it, and who knows what claims she has under Turkish law. Probably none.

OP he is not going to change and you need to have a long think about whether you see a future with him and with his entire family too.

WaterBottle123 · 05/09/2021 11:38

To be honest Op it sounds like you've had a lucky escape. You've avoided moving to a country where you'll have less support, autonomy and work opportunities with a man you can't trust.

Does your religion allow divorce?

frazzledasarock · 05/09/2021 11:39

She said she’s Muslim, so yes she can divorce.

Monestera · 05/09/2021 11:40

I don’t know why people saying it’s bizarre, it really isn’t in the Turkish culture. I notice OP isn’t answering basic questions such as what culture she’s from, why she has a problem with the “dirty” sister-in-law but not the brother-in-law etc.

Basic facts that would enable people to more accurately respond to her thread 🤷‍♀️

MrsIsobelCrawley · 05/09/2021 11:41

I think you need to leave the marriage and earn your own money.

frazzledasarock · 05/09/2021 11:41

OP did you post the other day about your DH sending all his money back home and wanting you to send your money too from your £2k savings as a new baby gift to your SIL who has never acknowledged you?

OurChristmasMiracle · 05/09/2021 11:41

Time to have a frank discussion that you are unable to continue to fund his families life styles at the detriment to your own.

frazzledasarock · 05/09/2021 11:42

@Monestera OP said she’s white and her DH Arab and both Muslim.

GertietheGherkin · 05/09/2021 11:43

OP when you say you are married, is that a legally recognised marriage?

Did you revert to Islam, or are you born of Muslim parentage?

You know in your heart this flat has gone, you now need to decide what you do from hereonin.

Trust is important, and you've been deceived, do you want to be supporting your Husbands' family to this extent long term, whilst you scrimp and save, and go without?

You have some serious thinking to do, and decisions to make. You're going to have to make these decisions based on what's best long term for you... Your husband is working to another agenda.

MsHedgehog · 05/09/2021 11:43

[quote frazzledasarock]@Monestera OP said she’s white and her DH Arab and both Muslim.[/quote]
Would still love to know why the Arab in laws are “dirty”...

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 11:46

I suppose the op has stayed in the family house where they live and they are sloppy, leave the washing up and drop fag ash, etc.

ohthatbloodycat · 05/09/2021 11:46

I can see why your husband who is solely responsible for the finances relating to the flat wouldn't want it sitting empty for most of the year, when he can help out his brother and family.
The issue here is communication. He should have been honest and upfront with you, if this was his intention all along.

Soubriquet · 05/09/2021 11:48

That’s ridiculous

Essentially, you’ve scrimped and saved to buy your BIL and SIL a lovely new flat

Awesome