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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want in laws taking over our new flat?

162 replies

Goodfry2024 · 05/09/2021 10:13

DH has worked for the last 5 years to save money to buy an apartment in Turkey. It’s nothing fancy but it’s a 2 bed apartment in a nice city. When we have enough cash to make the move, we’re planning to go over there and DH will quit his job here. The reason for moving is that it’s closer to his own culture than where we currently are We’ve sacrificed a lot. We’ve gone without buying ourselves new clothes, shoes and even not used heating in Winter when it’s freezing cold. On top of this DH regularly sends money to his mother and other relatives back home. DH dropped a bomb on me that he wants to put his younger brother, wife and their baby in the flat and we can go every year for holidays for 6 weeks. I didn’t know that this was his plan all along and I feel deceived and cheated. I don’t want these people in OUR flat, destroying something that we saved for and sacrificed comforts for. On top of that they are dirty people and I know they won’t keep the flat in good condition. Also, they won’t be paying any rent or any bills. I feel really weird about my DH providing for his brother and his wife. Especially the part about providing ANYTHING for another woman.

OP posts:
Elieza · 05/09/2021 11:49

Re why’s the OP saying the in-laws are dirty: I’m presuming the OP has said this as it’s true.

I have a friend I feel is dirty. I wouldn’t eat in her house. Her carpets always seem filthy. Her kitchen loaded with dirty plates etc

Perhaps the OP is saying that because she has seen it herself and it’s true?

It may not be, as some seem to think, a comment aimed at all Turkish people.

orangejumpsuit · 05/09/2021 11:50

I think we need more information from op.
How long are you together?
Do you work?
Do you have children?
Did you convert to Islam to be with this man?
Did you personally contribute money to the purchase of the flat?

Honestly it sounds like you might have been scammed of money.

You need to seek legal advice As soon as possible.

Even if you haven't been scammed and this is something you have agreed to, snd are comfortable with as it's your culture, he has betrayed your trust.

Orangelady32 · 05/09/2021 11:53

This reply has been deleted

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/09/2021 11:54

So he persuaded you to save for this flat by saying that you would both move to Turkey and live there in the flat and now he's saying BIL and SIL live there and you can stay there for six weeks a year as a "holiday". Would you have to share this six weeks with BIL and SIL?

Even if you decide to stay with him, you should quietly see a solicitor to see what your rights are, so that you can make an informed decision instead of worrying about what will happen.
Do you work? Do you have children?
If children are involved you need to know what your rights are and take steps to protect yourself and your children, even if you decide to stay, in case there is another shock revelation from someone who has already substantially lied to you for five years.

onlychildhamster · 05/09/2021 11:57

It sounds like a cultural thing. In countries without a welfare state, it's normal for richer siblings to provide for poorer ones. I don't deny it can generate a lot of aggro on the part of the richer sibling and esp the richer sibling's wife.

I wouldn't rush to get out the divorce papers. It can be hard esp if he is under pressure from parents. He could be considered a bad older brother for not providing for his siblings even it's at the cost to his own family, that's just the way some cultures are, and it can be hard to step away from that. You can remind him gently and reasonably of his duties to you as his wife, and also tell him that giving a brother rent free accomodation is not necessarily the best way to set him up for life. What happens if your DH doesn't have the ability to provide for him in future?

Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 11:58

@lemoncrisp

I think it is culturally normal in Turkey for the eldest brother to be responsible for housing younger siblings, and parents. When my English cousin married her Turkish husband she was aware of this. He had a block of 3 flats built and parents lived on ground floor, his younger brother's family on middle floor and they had the top floor. My cousin was never totally happy about family all living so close but accepted that it was part of the culture she was marrying into. She had a very long and happy marriage. Its horrible that your partner was not honest with you.
Well obviously her DH hasn’t explained this to her and I’m guessing she’s from a different culture or has been reassured by her DH that this wasn’t to happen in this case… even though that’s the norm in his culture. I do think he’s misled her or maybe she’s been thinking of a new life and been a bit naive re what it actually entailed going forward financially, culturally etc.

It’s the deceit for a few years with OP scrimping and saving presumably for a new life in Turkey and with her DH presumably having a new job or not working in Turkey which has got to her.

I doubt he’ll change re allowing his brother and wife to live there and OP is expected to go along with this as being a holiday home. Who knows whose name the property is even in?!

I’d personally be furious either way and due to timescale I’d be thinking of divorce. I’ve worked for a solicitors in the past where culturally and religiously property etc is passed to males rather than females which my boss found unfair and tried to explain and persuade his clients (even the parents) to change it but to no avail but at least in those situations the family is aware from the start how situations work.

I’m so sorry OP that this betrayal has occurred.

MoonahStone · 05/09/2021 11:58

@Orangelady32

First post on the forum. 🙄 Wind them up and watch them froth
Report then rather than troll hunt.
Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 11:59

@Orangelady32

First post on the forum. 🙄 Wind them up and watch them froth
Could be true and could not be…
Gonnagetgoing · 05/09/2021 11:59

100% agreed!

Lockdownbear · 05/09/2021 12:01

Regardless of splitting assets I'd run and cut your losses.

The money that's spent is gone, but if you stay married you'll be paying for his family for years.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 05/09/2021 12:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MsHedgehog · 05/09/2021 12:03

Her mother said that when you marry a muslim you are marrying the whole family and unless she was prepared to do this, she should avoid

No actually, she’s getting religion and culture mixed up.

RisingSunn · 05/09/2021 12:05

I am sorry. You have been scammed. It was never going to be your flat.

Smackthepony · 05/09/2021 12:07

My friend is white English and was married to a Turkish man. His father owned a fair bit of property around the town they lived in in Turkey but it was considered family property. She and Hubby lived in one of the houses belonging to his father which would then go to eldest brother on his death although it was just ‘on paper’, it would still be considered their home while they lived in it. I think this is quite normal in that culture. Your DH may consider this as the cultural norm in his home country so doesn’t see it as the big issue you do. What is wrong is the deception! He has lead you to believe it would be your home. You have worked, skimped and scraped for your goal which turns out wasn’t his goal! I don’t think I could get passed that. This would be an unforgivable betrayal. You clearly have a decision to make. Sorry this has happened. Hoping you can work something out OP

HereticFanjo · 05/09/2021 12:08

Absolute total deal breaker for me.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 05/09/2021 12:08

Bloody hell. I'd leave him over this.

You've scrimped and saved and gone without, for what?

Leave him, take what you are legally entitled to. Live where you want to live, have what you want to have.

KindnessMyFriends · 05/09/2021 12:13

Are you 100% certain it will be his brother living there? Could he have children or another partner or ex partner that you are not aware of?

chaosrabbitland · 05/09/2021 12:13

i would be fuming , if doesnt really matter if this was his cunning plan all along or hes suddently just changed it now its bought , hes taking the total mickey out of you , it wont be your flat , it will be theirs , how you are going to stay in it even when you are on holiday when they are residing in it is beyond me ,
it sounds just from what you have written as if younger brother basically expects your husband to keep him ,wife and baby hence he wont even be paying to live in it , you and your husband will , thats insane , it really is
this would be a deal breaker for me . theres no way id suffer being made a fool like this . i honestly would be looking at consulting a solicter regarding getting a divorce , its plain that for him keeping his family all happy and in comfort come before you . and id rather walk away in that position ,

HalzTangz · 05/09/2021 12:16

He hasn't given it to another women, he's given it to his brother who happens to be married.

I personally would put my foot down and say unless the pay rent and bills they can't stay in it. That was never the deal when sacrifices were made

notapizzaeater · 05/09/2021 12:21

Have you actually any say in all of this ? In anything ? Do you work ?

KindnessMyFriends · 05/09/2021 12:22

@HalzTangz

He hasn't given it to another women, he's given it to his brother who happens to be married.

I personally would put my foot down and say unless the pay rent and bills they can't stay in it. That was never the deal when sacrifices were made

He says. How can she know for sure, they are in another country. If he's told a lie this big......
Flapjak · 05/09/2021 12:28

Financial abuse. The flat is 50% yours and you are having no control over it. You have also made sacrifices for it. Divorce him as he is likely to leave you with nothing at some point

HalzTangz · 05/09/2021 12:32

I don't think it is a lie, I've been to Turkey many times, it is normal for property to be family owned rather than individually owned

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 12:39

I googled the question, does Islam require people to support family overseas and there are many links. I got this from one of them:

"1) Male relatives, such as one’s brother, uncle, nephew, etc. The responsibility of financially supporting them is only in the situation where they are poor and not capable of earning themselves due to some disability or illness. Imam al-Mawsili (Allah have mercy on him) states in al-Ikhtiyar:

“The Nafaqah (financial support) of other relatives besides the parents and children is (also) necessary according to the amount of inheritance (mirath)….And this is only necessary when the relative is poor, disabled and not able to earn.” (al-Ikhtiyar li Ta’lil al-Mukhtar, 2/232)"

If the brother and wife are foreigners to Turkey and haven't been employed there for a year at least, they will not be entitled to benefits.

I then googled health service in Turkey:

"Is health care free in Turkey?
Is healthcare free in Turkey? Yes, to the extent that a universal healthcare system ever is. The Turkish government pays for healthcare through taxation, and it covers all the scenarios and treatments listed above. If you're a resident with a job, your employer will even pay your insurance premiums."

Brother needs to work and provide for his wife, child and himself.

l2b2 · 05/09/2021 12:39

You haven't said whether you work and whether you have children together. Regardless of that, if you've been led to believe it's a holiday home and you've done without to pay for it; I'd consider this to be a dealbreaker.
The lies etc would be it for me.