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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset by triggering photos

267 replies

ChockaChick · 05/09/2021 08:32

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 05/09/2021 08:35

Oh that's difficult...I don't think she should have done that but I also don't think you should say anything...can you mute the group for today?

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 05/09/2021 08:37

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers
I think maybe unfollow her (I think you can still do that and be 'friends"). It's what I do when people have new babies and I find it hard to deal with the pictures.

OwlinaTree · 05/09/2021 08:37

Sorry for your loss. I guess everyone grieves differently. I'd find that upsetting too op.

Original poster
ChockaChick · 05/09/2021 08:38

It’s on her personal feed and I’ve seen it now. I’m thinking about deactivating my account for a while. I’m wondering whether others may see it too but I guess that’s just something they’ll have to deal with and not up to me.

OP posts:
StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 05/09/2021 08:39

@ChockaChick

It’s on her personal feed and I’ve seen it now. I’m thinking about deactivating my account for a while. I’m wondering whether others may see it too but I guess that’s just something they’ll have to deal with and not up to me.
Yes, I don't think you can say anything really. People greive in their own way and she can probably only see her own grief right now.
mrcow · 05/09/2021 08:39

I lost at 20 weeks too and have photos, but wouldn’t dream of putting my photos up on social media. They are all I have really and are far too personal.

And you are right, it could be so triggering for so many.

It took years for me to get over it, so I understand that she wants to commemorate. I don’t think you can say anything though. Everyone is different.

Really sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Maybe just mute her for a while until the comments and replies stop.

Theunamedcat · 05/09/2021 08:40

My friend had a late loss her photos are covered by a "sensitive content filter" which you can click on and it reveals the photo

Perhaps suggest that?

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 05/09/2021 08:40

It will stop it happening again next year though.

PumpkinPatch21 · 05/09/2021 08:41

Please don't tell her to put a warning up. It's her baby, she's allowed to share where she feels fit. Just like people are allowed to share their living children.
Unfollow or deactivate, I had a loss at 18 weeks and I'd be devastated if someone told me to put a warning up not that I share photos online or to anyone in RL but still...

over2021 · 05/09/2021 08:47

I have a friend who lost twins at 21 weeks a couple of years ago. She's very active on social media about baby loss and regularly posts pictures of her sons. Does it upset me? Yes, a little bit. Does it make me feel uncomfortable? Yes, it did at first (not now). Does it in any way compare to her grief? No.

You can hide her posts but she's done nothing wrong in sharing a photo of her children. I get to share pictures of mine being silly, having fun, starting school. It's all she has.

EishetChayil · 05/09/2021 08:50

Unfollow her instead of asking her to post a trigger warning.

Those photos are all she has of her babies.

stevalnamechanger · 05/09/2021 08:51

@PumpkinPatch21

Please don't tell her to put a warning up. It's her baby, she's allowed to share where she feels fit. Just like people are allowed to share their living children. Unfollow or deactivate, I had a loss at 18 weeks and I'd be devastated if someone told me to put a warning up not that I share photos online or to anyone in RL but still...
Really? So people are ok to post photos of dead children or dead adults ???

I think this should always have a trigger warning and a content filter !

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/09/2021 08:54

I wouldn't say anything but if there is a group admin I would suggest to them that there could be a rule change about this. Definitely not introduced so it looks like this caused it though. Trigger warning or filter for these sort of photos would probably help a lot of people.

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 05/09/2021 08:55

@Disfordarkchocolate it's on her personal feed though. But yes that's a good idea for the group if it isn't already in place.

Ducksurprise · 05/09/2021 08:56

Really? So people are ok to post photos of dead children

TW
Have you never been on TikTok? I joined to see if it was suitable and I was/am horrified by the amount of gratuitous oversharing that there is on there. Posting picture of stillborns/pictures and videos of preparing baby for heaven, I decided it wasn't suitable for me let alone my young teen.

RedHelenB · 05/09/2021 08:57

Firstly I'm really sorry for your loss BUT its her personal feed so I think yabu. They're her children and she has every right to celebrate them .

BanginChoons · 05/09/2021 08:59

That's all she has of her babies. She lives with those memories every single day. To her, those pictures are the most beautiful and precious thing in the world, and she has honoured you by sharing. Her babies are not "sensitive content" any more than someone else's living child is.
Your discomfort in no way compares to her grief.
If you cannot send her a positive comment or condolences, leave her well alone.

PumpkinPatch21 · 05/09/2021 09:04

@stevalnamechanger that's all they have of their child though... they don't get to post christening, nursery, first day at school photos this is all they have to remember them by. This is also the woman's PERSONAL page/space she can post what she deems fit if it helps her.
You seem like a highly insensitive person.

Peanutsandchilli · 05/09/2021 09:05

It's a difficult one. I had to leave a support group due to people posting pictures of their stillborn babies because I couldn't cope with the emotions they triggered. I never posted any pictures anywhere myself because I don't think it's appropriate to post them outside of a dedicated group. It shouldn't be that way but it's too taboo not to.

SunbathingDragon · 05/09/2021 09:10

I don’t think either of you are BU. She is entitled to post pictures of her babies and remember them how she wishes and it’s understandable you are upset by seeing them.

For the PP questioning it being ok to post pictures of dead babies, of course it is. For many grieving parents (and no matter the length of time, they are still grieving), photographs or hand/footprints etc is all they have. Also, sometimes you cannot tell the baby is dead as they look like many sleeping newborns or else they are hooked up to lots of machinery and the photographs are before the die. You are obviously in the privileged position to have no idea of the pain and how to deal with it.

Chickychickydodah · 05/09/2021 09:17

Yeah , unfollow her for a while. 💐

Yutes · 05/09/2021 09:22

….if it is Facebook or Instagram you can report the photo if it is of sensitive nature. She will not know you have reported the image and the likelihood is they will either remove or edit the photo.

Yes, it is her baby. But I think that photos of early term losses will affect lots of people. I don’t really think social media is a place for all your deepest darkest secrets tbh!
I am all for not forgetting baby loss, but I really don’t think there’s any need to share that type of thing on your personal social media. Some things are for you only.

I’m sorry you needed to see that OP.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 05/09/2021 09:23

I think it’s really quite grim to share photos of deceased people full stop, let alone babies. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable at all; if they are going to share graphic content, at the very least they should use a warning. Grief does not give you carte blanche to do what you like.

BanginChoons · 05/09/2021 09:28

"I don’t really think social media is a place for all your deepest darkest secrets tbh!"

The thing is, baby loss should not be a "deepest darkest secret". People used to be forced to suffer in silence but things are changing and that's so important.

BanginChoons · 05/09/2021 09:40

"I think it’s really quite grim to share photos of deceased people full stop, let alone babies"
For some of us, pictures of our baby after they have died, are the only pictures we have of them. To us, they or not grim or graphic, they are beautiful. If we want to share our only pictures of our much loved baby, we should be able to do so without being looked on with disgust. This is our reality, our lived experience.