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Original poster

Upset by triggering photos

267 replies

ChockaChick · 05/09/2021 08:32

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

OP posts:
BlusteryLake · 05/09/2021 10:30

The best thing to do is to avoid social media at this sensitive time in your life. There are so many potential sources of upset on there. And definitely don't say anything to the other poster - a spat between two people who are feeling a terrible loss is never going to be good for either party.

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 10:35

Don't look at the photo any more, chockachick. Block her if necessary, she won't know or notice.

Whilst I feel great sympathy for her, it was a rather tasteless thing for her to do. Say nothing - but it wouldn't surprise me if someone else does, or asks Facebook to take down the pictures. What some people put on FB amazes me but that example is really extreme.

I'm terribly sorry about your loss.
Flowers

mutedrainbows · 05/09/2021 10:35

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I would agree that perhaps unfollowing her would be a good idea. I wouldn't report her photo as I think it would be quite upsetting for her to see that one of her "friends" reported the photos of her babies.

I'm disgusted at some of these comments. This is why baby loss is so taboo and hard to speak about. For some people it's private and for others it's not. It's up to them to make that decision. But if this woman wants to celebrate her children's birthdays, then she should be able to. I delivered my daughter at 16 weeks and went through a full 8 hour induction and labour, complete with contractions. All while knowing I was doing it to birth my baby who wasn't going to come out alive. It was excruciating. But I can't talk about that because it makes other people uncomfortable. How fucked up is that?

People don't like hearing about things that make them uncomfortable - fine. But I would implore some of you to have some compassion for this grieving mother.

And the poster that compared this to posting a photo of your 12-week miscarriage - shame on you.

Cactusandmarshmallows · 05/09/2021 10:36

A woman in a group I’m in posted a photo of her son who had died for similar reasons. He was 29. I found it really upsetting tbh although based on some of these responses that makes me unfeeling? I really do feel for her it was just an image I can’t unsee and wasn’t at all prepared for

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/09/2021 10:39

I could make the same comment about this thread.

Yes her photos are upsetting but that’s part of the spectrum of things you may find on social media, to be blunt.

July17January20 · 05/09/2021 10:41

My little boy was stillborn last year and opinions like this are what stop me from sharing his pictures. They are all I have of him and I would love to share them openly but fear of being told I shouldn't have done so would be too much for me to take. Being scared of what to expect when the first experience of death and seeing a dead body is that of your child made the situation so much harder but a friend of ours who comes from a culture where seeing someone after they have died is the norm instantly asked to come and visit our son. I will forever be thankful for her attitude towards him which seems infinitely more healthy rather than continuing to foster this culture of shame and that he is something to be hidden.

mutedrainbows · 05/09/2021 10:42

@Cactusandmarshmallows a 29 year old who presumably had many photos taken of him while he was alive is different to 20 week old babies who never had the chance to have photos taken of them while alive. I do think there is a difference.

category12 · 05/09/2021 10:44

Yes, it would be shitty to tell her to put a trigger warning or contact her about it other than to say "sorry for your loss".

It is absolutely fine though to feel what you're feeling and to mute or otherwise manage what you see of her content.

RacistAngst · 05/09/2021 10:51

The problem isn’t the fact the babies are. dead imo.

It’s the grieving your. own way VS respecting other people’s grief/hurt.
The right to grieve your own way shouldn't trump over the grief and deep hurt of someone else.
Thé deep grief of loosing a child shouldn’t trump over letting others grieve their own way, eg by sharing photos.

Imo a trigger warning would allow both. people to be respected. One would be protected, the other could still share

Formaldeheidi · 05/09/2021 10:51

Please don’t tell her it was triggering for you or she shouldn’t have shared them or make any other suggestions. She absolutely has the right to share pictures of her babies and mark her grief in any way she chooses. Your grief and your needs don’t trump hers.

I’m sorry for your loss. When you’ve lost and you’re grieving, it’s very difficult to avoid triggers out there. All you can do is find a way to move around them Flowers

RacistAngst · 05/09/2021 10:53

@category12

Yes, it would be shitty to tell her to put a trigger warning or contact her about it other than to say "sorry for your loss".

It is absolutely fine though to feel what you're feeling and to mute or otherwise manage what you see of her content.

It’s too late for the OP to mute though…

The trigger should have been there right at the start out of consideration of other who could find it hard
There is the same thing on MN for other triggering subjects.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2021 10:54

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants

I think it’s really quite grim to share photos of deceased people full stop, let alone babies. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable at all; if they are going to share graphic content, at the very least they should use a warning. Grief does not give you carte blanche to do what you like.
In the 19th Century it was common to take photos of dead people after their death to remember them, wasn't it? Who are you to say it's wrong?
RacistAngst · 05/09/2021 10:56

Your grief and your needs don’t trump hers

But by posting like this wo a thought for others who are grieving, she is basically saying that her grief and needs trump the OP’s…..

Neither should trump the other imo…..

MrsLargeEmbodied · 05/09/2021 10:57

a young neighbour did this, so absolutely shocking.

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 11:02

@Cactusandmarshmallows

A woman in a group I’m in posted a photo of her son who had died for similar reasons. He was 29. I found it really upsetting tbh although based on some of these responses that makes me unfeeling? I really do feel for her it was just an image I can’t unsee and wasn’t at all prepared for
I don't suppose she posted a photo of him when he was dead, Cactusmarshmallows. Posting a picture of him when he was alive, maybe smiling, is quite normal. I'm sorry you were upset though.

We should be able to talk about, and commemorate, those who have died. However posting pictures of dead babies on a Facebook page is too extreme for most people, especially those who have experienced the same. I gather the group is specifically for people who have lost a baby so all members need to be sensitive to each other. Perhaps the admin could make some rules about such things, I'm sure they already have rules about what you say.

Formaldeheidi · 05/09/2021 11:03

@RacistAngst

Your grief and your needs don’t trump hers

But by posting like this wo a thought for others who are grieving, she is basically saying that her grief and needs trump the OP’s…..

Neither should trump the other imo…..

So everybody should just go about their own business not talking about it at all for fear of upsetting someone? What a healthy attitude. No wonder baby loss is such a taboo full of shame.

The lady posted a picture in a private way to a private audience. You cannot control what others do in their private life. All you can do is protect yourself.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 05/09/2021 11:04

Thats awful. I too have endured the pain of pregnancy loss. I would be very upset by that too. But as others have said you can’t really say anything either. It’s very hard all round.

Winemewhynot · 05/09/2021 11:04

She can share what she wants on her own personal page.

You would be highly insensitive to ask her to filter her photos of her babies. I would imagine she’s fine that very upsetting, it’s not scary or something to be ashamed of, it’s her child.

StoppinBy · 05/09/2021 11:06

YANBU to have been upset by the photos. h

However if my friend posted photos like you are describing I would honor her decision to share her beautiful angel with a message acknowledging her baby knowing that those photos are all they have while I have thousands of happy snaps and memories plus 2 living breathing children to cuddle in to me.

I could only imagine the devastation of telling them to sensor the only memories they have of their baby as if they are disgusting and never to be mentioned again.

I am lucky to have never felt the pain that you are feeling though and I am truly sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling xx

TheDailyCarbunkle · 05/09/2021 11:14

The british attitude to death is so fucking weird and unhealthy. I've touched and kissed dead bodies, never mind just looking at photos! And the attitude that a dead beloved child is a 'deep dark secret' is beyond fucked up. That is someone's baby, no less loved than the living children who are plastered all over facebook all the time.

To say to a bereaved parent 'hide your darling child, it offends me' must rank as one of the cruelest things you could ever do to a person.

oakleaffy · 05/09/2021 11:15

Quote: ''The main difference is that people who have had someone pass at a later stage in life have plenty of pictures and memories to share. For the majority of parents who have suffered baby loss these are the only pics they have. That's it. ''


This now makes sense and brings a lump into the throat... I've often not understood why some grieving parents share pics of their stillborn babies, either..But if those images are all the parents have, it is more understandable.

Of course it is an upsetting image to see..For anyone.
oakleaffy · 05/09/2021 11:16

Edit :Sharing pics to an online audience of strangers..Not family.

Formaldeheidi · 05/09/2021 11:20

@TheDailyCarbunkle

The british attitude to death is so fucking weird and unhealthy. I've touched and kissed dead bodies, never mind just looking at photos! And the attitude that a dead beloved child is a 'deep dark secret' is beyond fucked up. That is someone's baby, no less loved than the living children who are plastered all over facebook all the time.

To say to a bereaved parent 'hide your darling child, it offends me' must rank as one of the cruelest things you could ever do to a person.

T’aint that the truth. It depresses me too.
BiBabbles · 05/09/2021 11:21

I wouldn't tell her at this time, but maybe down the road if you want to deactivate or mute and then come back, I might tell her about the sensitive content filter in a general way.

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 11:21

StoppinBy:

I could only imagine the devastation of telling them to sensor the only memories they have of their baby as if they are disgusting and never to be mentioned again.
........
I can't imagine anybody would censor someone else's memories, after all the group is set up specifically for those who have lost babies.

What I do think would be a good idea would be for the admin to put in the rules that pictures of stillborn babies should not be posted. The op could suggest that to admin. People can talk about their babies as much as they want and they should, it is cathartic.