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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset by triggering photos

267 replies

ChockaChick · 05/09/2021 08:32

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/09/2021 11:22

@BanginChoons

That's all she has of her babies. She lives with those memories every single day. To her, those pictures are the most beautiful and precious thing in the world, and she has honoured you by sharing. Her babies are not "sensitive content" any more than someone else's living child is. Your discomfort in no way compares to her grief. If you cannot send her a positive comment or condolences, leave her well alone.
I agree with this (and I've had five losses, and send thorough sympathy to you, OP, and any other mum who has suffered similarly). I'm sorry you were upset by the way in which another mother chose to deal with her grief, but agree that raising this with her would be a very wrong thing to do. Step back from your account or set your own filters to stop her posts from appearing.

As to the PP commenting on posting pictures of 'dead adults' being on a level par: the above post eloquently explains why this isn't comparable. When an adult dies there will normally be plenty of photos of these loved ones, plenty of memories with them, when alive and happy. The death of a baby, of all the hopes and dreams you had for that child and your future family life, leaves bereaved parents with nothing. Those pictures are all they have.

They were not taboo, albeit this is content which is understandably distressing. They were our children.

Cactusandmarshmallows · 05/09/2021 11:23

No to clarify regarding the 29 y/o - it was a photo of his body

Good points about him having been in other photos by pps

Original poster
ChockaChick · 05/09/2021 11:25

Just to add, the photos were hard to see because they are of babies who were clearly much too small and too sick to have ever survived. My loss was not as late as hers, yet for me they brought back a lot of memories and strong emotions which I had at last managed to compartmentalise to help me get through the day-to-day. They caught me off guard this morning, that was all.

Not suggesting she shouldn’t share them at all but just that a warning could be helpful to others who may be in a sensitive place at present.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 05/09/2021 11:25

@Plumtree391 while the OP met the lady in a group, the photo was posted on the ladies personal page, presumably meant for only family and friends to see.

The photos are her memories in the same way I might post a photo of my kids 2nd birthday party when they turn 8.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 05/09/2021 11:26

In Victorian times the picture of their dead child was often the only picture ever taken of that child (or even of a dead adult), so the only tangible memory.
Death is part of life.
If it triggers unwanted feelings in a person, this person has to protect themself - it is not somebody elses job to censor their lives to protect them.

Whitewolfactually · 05/09/2021 11:26

Social media and the internet in general is full of upsetting and graphic content, people have live streamed suicides for goodness sake, someone's only pictures of babies that they lost would be bottom of my list for triggering content. Although I totally get why it upset you, it is her own social media page and she is free to post what she likes. All you can do is mute/unfollow her to prevent the image from reappearing on your feed. I'm sorry for your loss too OP. We all deal with it in different ways.

ActonSquirrel · 05/09/2021 11:28

You could report it to Facebook. She will not know it was you and they might put a trigger warning on it.

I don't get it either. Everything is is impersonal these days.

I also find weird the happy 90th birthday
in heaven grandpa photos when grandpa died 15 years ago and never made it to 90 and never will. Performance grieving.

RacistAngst · 05/09/2021 11:29

Actually @Formaldeheidi, if you read my posts before that one, I’m saying that

  • that woman. has all the rights to share the photos
  • OP’s. grief and struggle is just as valid
  • no one there is right or wrong
  • a warning would have allowed the OP to avoid the photos AND for that woman to share too.
  • I’ve never said the OP should say. anything

For me the fact it’s a private group makes it worse as I would assume that the woman would know about the OP’s losses….
Or maybe not if the OP feels bad about (over)sharing on her own losses,. She might be grieving in a very private way.

So everybody should just go about their own business not talking about it at all for fear of upsetting someone?
Like I said, there are trigger warning on MN. That allows people to share their struggles AND. allow other people to avoid upsetting subjects. Why not doing that in this case??

Formaldeheidi · 05/09/2021 11:30

I’ve lost babies too OP. I get it, I totally do. But surely you can see how describing her children as “a trigger” or “sensitive content” could be pretty abhorrent to her. They’re her children, no matter the gestation they were born at. I couldn’t handle other people’s pregnancy announcements and pictures of newborn babies after my losses. It would have been wrong for me to tell them they upset me or they should add a trigger warning for people like me.

It’s tough. There’s not right answer. These things will always catch you off guard (they do me!). It’s how you managing how you deal with these things that are important. That’s what helps you move forward in grief.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 05/09/2021 11:32

@ChockaChick

Just to add, the photos were hard to see because they are of babies who were clearly much too small and too sick to have ever survived. My loss was not as late as hers, yet for me they brought back a lot of memories and strong emotions which I had at last managed to compartmentalise to help me get through the day-to-day. They caught me off guard this morning, that was all.

Not suggesting she shouldn’t share them at all but just that a warning could be helpful to others who may be in a sensitive place at present.

Nope. Sharing photos is not a dangerous or potentially offensive act and no one who has suffered loss should have to tiptoe around the feelings of others, regardless of whether they have also suffered. There is something really insidious about this whole 'I'm sensitive and you have to warn me' malarkey. We all suffer and trying to protect everyone from everything means that most people just stay silent and suffer alone.
AgileSlug · 05/09/2021 11:33

Could MNHQ put a trigger warning on this post? Not being facetious or sarcastic, but for personal reasons I really wish I hadn't opened this thread Sad

Formaldeheidi · 05/09/2021 11:35

@RacistAngst

Actually *@Formaldeheidi*, if you read my posts before that one, I’m saying that
  • that woman. has all the rights to share the photos
  • OP’s. grief and struggle is just as valid
  • no one there is right or wrong
  • a warning would have allowed the OP to avoid the photos AND for that woman to share too.
  • I’ve never said the OP should say. anything

For me the fact it’s a private group makes it worse as I would assume that the woman would know about the OP’s losses….
Or maybe not if the OP feels bad about (over)sharing on her own losses,. She might be grieving in a very private way.

So everybody should just go about their own business not talking about it at all for fear of upsetting someone?
Like I said, there are trigger warning on MN. That allows people to share their struggles AND. allow other people to avoid upsetting subjects. Why not doing that in this case??

MN is an anonymous public forum. She shouldn’t have to treat pictures of her children, dead or alive, as a trigger warning in her own private space. I’m also going to bet that she can’t read OPs mind and didn’t know it would upset her, maybe because she’s had a shared experience she thought OPs reaction would be more understanding. Who knows. If we lived our lives in what ifs we’d never do anything important to us.
TheDailyCarbunkle · 05/09/2021 11:36

I find it genuinely unbelievable that someone who has had the immeasurable heartbreak of holding their dead child in their arms is expected to think 'oh dear who might I upset with my celebration of my lovely babies' and then take steps to protect the feelings of others. I mean FFS! It really shows up how the stuff that goes around about 'share your feelings, others will listen' is well and truly empty bollocks.

SnoopyLights · 05/09/2021 11:37

I think you will hurt her very badly if you say anything about taking them down or posting a warning, more so if you report her photo's to Facebook.

And I feel you should have put a trigger warning on this thread to be fair. Not least because the way you and a lot of other people on it are describing her children and her photo's.

I have experienced baby loss. I can say my babies died. But seeing them described as "dead babies" by you and other people is offensive to me and I suspect it would be to your friend.

We are changing the language around other types of loss, for example we are now using "died by suicide", so we can surely be more sensitive around the loss of a baby. A baby who died is more a more gentle way of saying the same thing.

I agree with you to a point. I have photo's of my children I will not share on social media, although if I did you would not see anything other than a sleeping baby. But personal choice and family circumstances mean I would not want other people having access to those photos.

And I often hide photo's I find hard to see, including other people's scan photos. But if she wants to share her photo's she can, and the most you should do is hide them or unfollow her. If you go as far as raising your issue with her you will hurt her, and if you anonymously report her it will be even worse. Please don't do either.

CottonSock · 05/09/2021 11:37

I would unfollow her. She won't know and you can still look at her profile if needed.
I may possibly report the photo, depending on the content.

I lost 4 babies and I find it a bit wrong. I'm known for oversharing, but social media is just a strange place.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 05/09/2021 11:38

@AgileSlug

Could MNHQ put a trigger warning on this post? Not being facetious or sarcastic, but for personal reasons I really wish I hadn't opened this thread Sad
I’m sorry you’re upset but the title literally has the word “triggering” in already so it’s pretty clear the content may be upsetting.
Notaroadrunner · 05/09/2021 11:38

@Yutes

….if it is Facebook or Instagram you can report the photo if it is of sensitive nature. She will not know you have reported the image and the likelihood is they will either remove or edit the photo.

Yes, it is her baby. But I think that photos of early term losses will affect lots of people. I don’t really think social media is a place for all your deepest darkest secrets tbh!
I am all for not forgetting baby loss, but I really don’t think there’s any need to share that type of thing on your personal social media. Some things are for you only.

I’m sorry you needed to see that OP.

WTF - deepest darkest secrets??? How dare you suggest that losing a baby is some sort of dark secret. What do you mean by 'I really don't think there's any need to share that type of thing'? Do you see such a traumatising loss as something dirty that needs to be hidden away? Such a disgusting post.

@ChockaChick sorry for your loss. Was the photo on a group for baby loss? I have seen people post pictures of their precious babies on such groups and on their personal pages. If you don't want to see her post more photos just unfollow her. However you cannot always avoid people who will post photos that may upset or trigger you. They are not upsetting to the poster - that woman clearly sees no harm in posting photos of her babies and wants the world to see them and know that they were born to her. I don't think any of us would post a photo to upset or trigger another parent. She may only feel strong enough now to share those photos on the group.

loveyours · 05/09/2021 11:38

Nope. Sharing photos is not a dangerous or potentially offensive act and no one who has suffered loss should have to tiptoe around the feelings of others, regardless of whether they have also suffered. There is something really insidious about this whole 'I'm sensitive and you have to warn me' malarkey. We all suffer and trying to protect everyone from everything means that most people just stay silent and suffer alone.

I have to agree. It wasn't anything gruesome that was posted, it was two babies posed for a photo who happened to have passed away

I have experienced grief, my sibling died as a young adult. It can be upsetting to be reminded. And I think that's the real issue here, the reminder, rather than the content of the picture itself

Posting your deceased child -albeit at 20 weeks old- cuddled up to you or swaddled is not the same as someone posting a car wreck, or an actual death. It's just a person with no life In them. And in the case of very young babies, it's completely acceptable for parents to post their own children, though they should add a TW to be considerate

anon12345678901 · 05/09/2021 11:41

I would unfollow her but don't message her. Her grief is hers, and it's not up to her to take others people's feelings into account when posting. People who post scan photos, bump updates etc don't take into consideration those who cannot get pregnant although it maybe triggering for them.
These are her children and she has every right to put a picture of them, regardless of if you like it or not.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2021 11:43

To those suggesting a 'trigger warning'

You know us bereaved parents love our babies just as much as you love yours right?

Just because they aren't in our arms it doesn't mean we forget, it doesn't mean we don't want to talk about them, or have people say their names.

Can you imagine the uproar if you had to put a trigger warning every time you shared a photo of your kid in case it upsets a bereaved parent? Every school photo, every thread on here, every birthday, you had to think how your photo or story will effect those around you, because I guarantee the photos and stories you share will make someone sad.

These photos are all we have of our children, we shouldn't have to hide them away to make others comfortable.

Op now you know she shares photos of her children, and how that makes you feel, hide her feed from your Facebook, or defriend her. Please don't report her pictures.

Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 11:43

@Cactusandmarshmallows

No to clarify regarding the 29 y/o - it was a photo of his body

Good points about him having been in other photos by pps

I've never heard of anyone doing that. There are photos available of deceased rulers lying in state with people filing past to pay their respects but it isn't generally done.

I was with my husband and my mother when they died and will always remember that but I wouldn't even have thought of photographing them, never mind sharing the photos. There are nice photos on the net of my husband, when he was alive and happy, which my son put up.

I would photograph a baby but not to make public. That's something would normally only share with those closest to you.

WimpoleHat · 05/09/2021 11:44

Oh, that’s rotten for you, OP. Just unfollow her, though. Telling other people what they should or shouldn’t post is always a massive can of worms. Presumably if she still wants to get in touch with you directly about anything, you can - you just won’t get a shock like that again from her.

TheNarwhalBalloon · 05/09/2021 11:45

I think she should use a filter, there will be plenty of people upset by this and her grief doesn't trump other people's losses and vulnerability...

However, I don't think you should say anything about it, sorry.
I would mute her unless she's a very good friend and you felt you could broach it sensitively. But she may just hear a rejection of her lost babies and a message that her grief is not acceptable.

Branleuse · 05/09/2021 11:45

you cant say anything about it really. Its not as if she has got other pictures to choose from. These are her babies and if you dont like what she posts, then you can unfollow her or defriend her. Youve seen them now though and its made you feel really emotional and reminded of your own bereavement. Thats hard for you and im sorry. Its hard for both of you

SnoopyLights · 05/09/2021 11:46

I’m sorry you’re upset but the title literally has the word “triggering” in already so it’s pretty clear the content may be upsetting.

It has the word 'triggering' in it but it doesn't mention the subject or give any real clue to who might be triggered or why. I wasn't expecting a thread about baby loss or so many insensitive comments when I opened it.