Upset by triggering photos

[ChockaChick]

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

You wouldn’t post photos of dead children and adults so why is posting photos of dead babies okay? I initially thought it was an ultrasound scan, but if it’s a photo of actual bodies then I would also be disturbed. That photo is incredibly private and shouldn’t be shared on the internet. She could’ve just written a memorial post, maybe an ultrasound scan.

"That photo is incredibly private and shouldn’t be shared on the internet. She could’ve just written a memorial post, maybe an ultrasound scan."

Who says that photo is private? The Mother has clearly decided they want to share the photo with their family and friends, their loved ones, on their own personal platform, that is her choice to make, and those who love and care for her should respect and support her in that choice. It's a massive privilege to be shown someone's only photo of their child.

And why would she show a scan photo? Her babies were babies, not images on a scan.

I'm sorry you had to see that OP.
I don't think it's appropriate to post pictures of dead people on social media without some kind of warning, whether they are babies, children or adults. If I had a 12 week miscarriage, would it be OK to post a picture of that on FB? Of course it wouldn't.

I wouldn't say anything I would just hide her for a bit,she won't know .

So sorry for your loss,it must be very difficult x

I don’t really think social media is a place for all your deepest darkest secrets tbh!

Fucking hell! What a horrible thing to say. It’s attitudes like this that compel many women to share their photos. Why should the loss of our babies be a secret?! And that’s without your implication that it is somehow shameful.

@CutePanda

You wouldn’t post photos of dead children and adults so why is posting photos of dead babies okay? I initially thought it was an ultrasound scan, but if it’s a photo of actual bodies then I would also be disturbed. That photo is incredibly private and shouldn’t be shared on the internet. She could’ve just written a memorial post, maybe an ultrasound scan.

The main difference is that people who have had someone pass at a later stage in life have plenty of pictures and memories to share. For the majority of parents who have suffered baby loss these are the only pics they have. That's it.

Yes, she could've done many thing, that doesn't mean she must. They are her babies,her loss ,her grief, her remembrance and entirely her choice.

I don’t really think social media is a place for all your deepest darkest secrets tbh! and it's this attitude that makes some people want to share. They don't want their child to be secret or forgotten.

I think she should be able to share her baby but maybe should have put a warning. I don't think it would be nice for you to say anything.

It would be upsetting for anyone who hadn't suffered a loss to see that and even more so for those who had. Grief doesn't give you a free pass to go round upsetting people regardless.

@CutePanda

You wouldn’t post photos of dead children and adults so why is posting photos of dead babies okay? I initially thought it was an ultrasound scan, but if it’s a photo of actual bodies then I would also be disturbed. That photo is incredibly private and shouldn’t be shared on the internet. She could’ve just written a memorial post, maybe an ultrasound scan.

That’s your issue though to work through. We die. Death happens. It’s not healthy to hide from it or see it as taboo or so awful that we cannot look at a body. A dead body is no different to look upon as an alive one. If people were sharing crime scenes or fatal accident photos- that’s different. But a stillborn baby is a beautiful baby just like any other and bereaved family members have every right to share their precious photos should they wish to. Other people’s (ridiculous or genuinely difficult) reactions are not their responsibility.

No. You can’t do that. It’s her personal feed. That poor woman. Most fucking awful thing to happen to someone, especially a woman. She needs support not unkind words. There is no way to say that to her that won’t result in a massive falling out.

@tulippa

It would be upsetting for anyone who hadn't suffered a loss to see that and even more so for those who had. Grief doesn't give you a free pass to go round upsetting people regardless.

I get it can be upsetting and she should've put a warning just in case, but she posted a photo of presumably twin babies wrapped in blankets in a hospital, not a pregnancy loss in a toilet

She's just putting a picture of her babies up. They will probably be deceased in every picture she has.

People post things that I don’t agree with, that offend or upset me all the time. You do you.

I don't think she should post it, she's thinking of her own heartache (fair enough and my every sympathy), but not considering the wider impact on other bereavements. Perhaps you can use a report function to put it behind a sensitive pictures warning.

Some of the comments on here are horrible, Jesus. Let’s hope you guys never experience the loss of a baby. Please understand that for some people that’s the only visual memory they have if their babies. It’s not the same as when an older family member passes; someone they had actual time with here during their life. So please stop saying “You wouldn’t post a picture of dead children or adults…” 🤦🏻‍♀️ No one else has the right to dictate how a person shares their grief or what helps them to heal and remember their babies.

OP, I’ve had 3 losses (miscarriages) in the past year so I completely understand how you feel. I also completely understand why the lady who lost her twins wanted to share that photo. I’ve been very open (after a while, once I felt comfortable doing so) on social media about my miscarriages as I think it’s something that should be discussed more openly in order to help the many ladies who go through this heal from it and not feel so alone. In saying that, anything I’ve ever shared regarding this has always had a trigger warning attached to it beforehand.

I would suggest if you were to say anything to the lady, maybe message her privately, acknowledge what she’s going through etc but politely suggest a trigger warning for anyone who may also be struggling with something similar?

Perhaps you can use a report function to put it behind a sensitive pictures warning. I mean if that's possible that's a good idea but I don't know if Facebook will handle it sensitively or just go bam and remove it?

@CutePanda

we used to ONLY have photos of dead people. It was a way to honour them and believed to provide safe passage. Many old photos are of deceased family members with their relatives. This is really no different. The death of a baby is quite different to the death of an aged relative. These are the only pictures they will ever have. I’m sure she would have loved to post photos of her living breathing children, but she will never ever be able to do that. To tell someone not to post pictures of their children under these circumstances is ill thought out and cruel. That poor fucking woman only has pictures of dead babies so that’s all she can post.

@BanginChoons @LowlyTheWorm

I don’t think it’s taboo to say most people don’t want to look at photos of dead bodies, especially without warning. OP’s friend could have written a memorial post about her babies. I don’t think sharing the photo on social media is a good idea. It’s something you keep for close family members.

Scrolling Instagram the other day I came across a post by someone who had lost a baby at birth who was explaining why she won’t trigger warning any of her photos of him and it gave me pause for thought. Can’t bloody remember who she was now but if I find it I’ll post the link as it was an interesting perspective.

I think YABVU to be honest. I'm very sorry for loss you have experienced but that does not give you any right to oversee how she grieves. They are her babies and it's her personal feed. She can post pictures if she wants and if those pictures are positive to her i.e. the only photographic memory of her babies then imagine the distress you will cause her by saying her dear memories need a trigger warning.
If it was a public group, different story but her feed her choice, you mute/delete/unfollow if you can't cope with it.

I guess the thing is she might have seen loads of photos of other people's babies and that might have hurt her. So she's thinking if other people post picutres of their babies why can't she post one of hers?

Sorry you've been upset. I wouldn't say anything as it'll upset her. You could set a reminder to hide her posts next year just before her anniversary so you don't see them again.

@Yutes
Deepest darkest secrets?
It’s a deceased baby or babies!!
Not something like outing yourself as a paedophile or rapist!!
For those who think it’s insensitive or too much - it isn’t something I would do ( I had a full term stillborn child) but as a society we are so used to hiding death and protecting ourselves from it that when a child dies it almost destabilises everyone who isn’t the parent in a very strange way and they say all kinds of cruel things because they are “triggered” or whatever.
The loss of a child isn’t a shameful thing. Nor should it be a secret.
It’s a lot less triggering (or certainly should be) than getting a dick pic or seeing people hunt wild animals and posing with their carcasses or the disgraceful wealth pictures that some like to have on Instagram etc.
Why should someone hide the thing they love the most?

And to add - if someone told me it triggered them/reported to Facebook/asked me to warn people etc I would never speak to them again.

Would you stop someone talking about cancer or the loss of a teenager through suicide or car accident etc.?

No, just babies. What a lovely bunch of people roam the world.

I don't have the right to tell someone how they should grieve or mark a memory.

I do have the ability to use the tools Facebook has given me to hide what I don't wish to see. You do as well.