Upset by triggering photos

[ChockaChick]

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

*To those suggesting a 'trigger warning'

You know us bereaved parents love our babies just as much as you love yours right?

Just because they aren't in our arms it doesn't mean we forget, it doesn't mean we don't want to talk about them, or have people say their names.*

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You have every right to share your baby and have them remembered but a trigger warning takes no effort to do, so I'd just put one on since it is a sensitive topic.

I do however think reporting is a bit mean. Imagine the mum living on to find her baby's pictures have been removed by Facebook. That would be bad.

You have every right to share your baby and have them remembered but a trigger warning takes no effort to do, so I'd just put one on since it is a sensitive topic.

It takes no effort but why should we have to put trigger warnings up for our much loved children.

I find photos of children the same age my 2 would be upsetting, should everyone have to put trigger warnings on their photos for me?

Can I just say as well to posters generally, that the pictures taken of babies for memory making purposes are never “gruesome”. Doing this is actually part of my job and we work very hard to make the babies as presentable as possible. Personally, I have never taken a picture where a baby has looked anything other than sleeping. We’re actually very skilled at this.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

You have every right to share your baby and have them remembered but a trigger warning takes no effort to do, so I'd just put one on since it is a sensitive topic.

It takes no effort but why should we have to put trigger warnings up for our much loved children.

I find photos of children the same age my 2 would be upsetting, should everyone have to put trigger warnings on their photos for me?

I get you, I personally wouldn't be upset by a posed deceased person, but I'd just err on the side of caution, just to consider everyone's preferences in a way that doesn't stop people being allowed to share pictures

@loveyours

*To those suggesting a 'trigger warning'

You know us bereaved parents love our babies just as much as you love yours right?

Just because they aren't in our arms it doesn't mean we forget, it doesn't mean we don't want to talk about them, or have people say their names.*

///

You have every right to share your baby and have them remembered but a trigger warning takes no effort to do, so I'd just put one on since it is a sensitive topic.

I do however think reporting is a bit mean. Imagine the mum living on to find her baby's pictures have been removed by Facebook. That would be bad.

I lost my mum at a young age. Before you post a picture on Mother’s Day or just generally about what a lovely mum you have, can you put a trigger warning please because it upsets me to see people living their lives with their mums.

See what a ridiculous suggestion that is?

I get you, I personally wouldn't be upset by a posed deceased person, but I'd just err on the side of caution, just to consider everyone's preferences in a way that doesn't stop people being allowed to share pictures

We have already been through the worst thing a person can possibly go through, can you imagine on the birthday of your dead child, where you're suffering so much anyway, having to then consider everyone else and then click the button for 'sensitive content' or put a trigger warning on the photo of your baby.

*I lost my mum at a young age. Before you post a picture on Mother’s Day or just generally about what a lovely mum you have, can you put a trigger warning please because it upsets me to see people living their lives with their mums.

See what a ridiculous suggestion that is?*

I think the sad reality is this is just not quite the same as posting pictures of someone deceased.

@loveyours

*To those suggesting a 'trigger warning'

You know us bereaved parents love our babies just as much as you love yours right?

Just because they aren't in our arms it doesn't mean we forget, it doesn't mean we don't want to talk about them, or have people say their names.*

///

You have every right to share your baby and have them remembered but a trigger warning takes no effort to do, so I'd just put one on since it is a sensitive topic.

I do however think reporting is a bit mean. Imagine the mum living on to find her baby's pictures have been removed by Facebook. That would be bad.

It's not about effort , it's about emotions and meaning.

How would you feel if your beloved baby/child was considered a trigger? Maybe they're not pretty enough, maybe they have a disability, or maybe they're very smart or accomplished, or maybe they overcame something that someone else's child is still struggling/suffering from ,or maybe seeing them hurts people dealing with loss.

Do you have to stop and consider every time you post a pic of them if it might be upsetting or triggering someone else? Of course you don't. But you expect parents that have suffered loss to consider all that and make that judgement every time they make a post about their baby because it's "no effort"? What about the mental and emotional effort? The fact that you want them to consider their baby "triggering "?

I hope everyone saying to report or that she needs to hide them, or add filters and warnings because it might upset someone does the same every time they post a photo of their living children and happy families. I find that triggering and upsetting when my precious girl doesn't get to be here on Earth with me.

@aSofaNearYou

*I lost my mum at a young age. Before you post a picture on Mother’s Day or just generally about what a lovely mum you have, can you put a trigger warning please because it upsets me to see people living their lives with their mums.

See what a ridiculous suggestion that is?*

I think the sad reality is this is just not quite the same as posting pictures of someone deceased.

Why?

Oh get a life!! Triggering doh? It's about her not about you.

Just watch the recent 9/11 TV programmes and get some perspective in life. There is always someone off much worse than yourself. Grieve in private and let her do whatever gives her solace.

Sadly nothing seems to be private anymore. Seems like such an inappropriate thing to post.

@aSofaNearYou

*I lost my mum at a young age. Before you post a picture on Mother’s Day or just generally about what a lovely mum you have, can you put a trigger warning please because it upsets me to see people living their lives with their mums.

See what a ridiculous suggestion that is?*

I think the sad reality is this is just not quite the same as posting pictures of someone deceased.

But you don’t get to decide. That’s the point.

I agree with the OP. Personally my grief does not trump someone else’s. I find pictures of dead babies upsetting. I’m not saying grief needs to be private. But a trigger warning before viewing pictures is essential. I’ve had 5 m/c and these type of pictures are highly traumatic for me and I had ptsd. Someone’s else grief doesn’t have the right to cause offence and upset. If it was me I would report it direct and explain why.

*I lost my mum at a young age. Before you post a picture on Mother’s Day or just generally about what a lovely mum you have, can you put a trigger warning please because it upsets me to see people living their lives with their mums.

See what a ridiculous suggestion that is?*

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As I say, I lost a sibling young. It can be upsetting to see but I wouldn't need a TW for siblings posting together.

But a normal commemoration of an older person isn't the same as a person who is actually dead in the photo, so yes, I think a TW, just two words, is not a big ask.

Photos are totally fine, it's your baby who is real and your want acknowledged and remembered. I just don't get the absolute refusal to put two letters before when it's such a sensitive thing.

We see mothers and daughters, happy siblings and families everyday, but imagine from the perspective of mother who also suffered a stillbirth, logging on to Facebook and unexpectedly seeing a picture that reminds you of the one you lost. It is a bit different

Personally my grief does not trump someone else’s.

By reporting someone's photos you're making your grief trump someone else's.

I'd be devastated if someone referred to the one single solitary picture of my darling daughter as 'offensive'. She's just a little baby who never got to stay and live her life, not something disgusting.

Maybe the solution is that everyone should add a trigger warning to everything? Everything has the potential to trigger someone, somewhere.

Some people feel more comfortable sharing photos of their dead babies than I do (as it's all I have I generally keep them private). If I'm honest I feel uncomfortable when others share their photos, but I will defend to the end their right to do so.

People grieve in different ways and asking them to put a trigger warning before sharing their only photos of their dead children is a really shitty thing to do.

OP - please just unfollow her for a while. I've done the same in similar circumstances, it's the best thing to do without upsetting her.

Now most of the women on here are going to get ever so offended by what I’m about to say however I am going to comment on it because I’ve lost a baby myself so I know how women are made to feel regarding posting pictures of their angels online!

Why should women who loose their babies have to hide their angels or add trigger warning on them or even add a sensitive cover onto the photo? They are babies too they existed and they mattered!

Women who unfortunately cannot even carry children of their own or cannot keep their babies have to look at living children every single say and nobody says a thing!!

@loveyours

*I lost my mum at a young age. Before you post a picture on Mother’s Day or just generally about what a lovely mum you have, can you put a trigger warning please because it upsets me to see people living their lives with their mums.

See what a ridiculous suggestion that is?*

////

As I say, I lost a sibling young. It can be upsetting to see but I wouldn't need a TW for siblings posting together.

But a normal commemoration of an older person isn't the same as a person who is actually dead in the photo, so yes, I think a TW, just two words, is not a big ask.

Photos are totally fine, it's your baby who is real and your want acknowledged and remembered. I just don't get the absolute refusal to put two letters before when it's such a sensitive thing.

We see mothers and daughters, happy siblings and families everyday, but imagine from the perspective of mother who also suffered a stillbirth, logging on to Facebook and unexpectedly seeing a picture that reminds you of the one you lost. It is a bit different

It’s a huge ask actually. You’re showing some real privilege there.

I think the sad reality is this is just not quite the same as posting pictures of someone deceased.

Exactly, it's really not. You can't anticipate someone being upset by a happy photo of you and your mum, to someone who [you're not aware of] losing their mum. But with late miscarriage and stillbirth, it's obvious why it would be upsetting, and you can reasonably foresee it

DifficultPiffcult: We have already been through the worst thing a person can possibly go through, can you imagine on the birthday of your dead child, where you're suffering so much anyway, having to then consider everyone else and then click the button for 'sensitive content' or put a trigger warning on the photo of your baby.
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To be honest I don't think many people would put a photo of a deceased person on page for people to see who had no connection other than the internet. A photo of a dead baby (and I have seen more than one), is not usually shared with all and sundry. You share it with people who care about you and your baby. I get that the FB group is a support group for deceased parents, ergo a caring group, but you don't know the members and something like this is personal.

Most people would post a few words, maybe a poem with a suitable picture, the date and name. At home with loved ones you share the photograph.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose It's not really something I or anyone else wants to spell out, as we are naturally trying to be sensitive. But the difference is that they are deceased in the images. For some that have experienced loss, that might be comforting, but for others it may be very traumatic. People experience loss differently.

In ye olden days before Internet, a woman at our work had a late loss. When she visited work she brought photos of her child and asked people individually if they would like to see them.

I was the youngest in the department, only a teenager at the time, and unsure, so very briefly hesistated before answering. She immediately picked up on it and told me not to worry it was absolutely ok not to want to see the pictures and we chatted about it instead. I was so impressed at her awareness to recognise i was uncomfortable and make ME feel ok during such a difficult time for her. It is an interaction I learned a lot from and have remembered and drawn from it during my own difficult times.

This is one of the many the problems with social media, there isnt that connection where there is a chance to read the other person feelings during sensitive discussions. IMO social media is not the place for sharing these photos unsolicitated.

And again @loveyours you personally don’t get to decide what causes more pain to someone over something else. Grief isn’t comparable. All you can do is take responsibility for your own grief and how you choose to handle that.