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Original poster

Upset by triggering photos

267 replies

ChockaChick · 05/09/2021 08:32

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 05/09/2021 12:10

GlittercheeksOakleaf Sun 05-Sep-21 12:05:40
I'd be devastated if someone referred to the one single solitary picture of my darling daughter as 'offensive'. She's just a little baby who never got to stay and live her life, not something disgusting.
.........
Nobody is saying she or any other baby is disgusting.

I'm so sorry about your daughter.

loveyours · 05/09/2021 12:10

It’s a huge ask actually. You’re showing some real privilege there.

Not being goady, but how? If I was talking about my siblings death (suicide so another one that is likely to upset), I'd put a TW, and that's without a picture

Putting a TW for other women in the same position in you - who have lost - is not my "privilege". I've already said I wouldn't need a TW, I don't have a problem with deceased posed people. The TW is for people like OP have had losses and would be upset by it

It's entitled for someone like me who hasn't lost to demand a TW, but putting one out of consideration for other bereaved mothers is reasonable I think

Cornettoninja · 05/09/2021 12:11

I don’t think the OP is completely in the wrong here, after all she is also a woman who has lost her children and is perfectly within her rights to say that unexpectedly coming across photos of someone else’s lost child is upsetting to her. That’s why the concept of a sensitive warning exists because we don’t all have the same resilience or are at the same point in our grieving processes. It’s a compromise that can take into account everyone’s feelings.

The Mother’s Day comparison doesn’t work, there’s plenty of warning that it’s coming up and if you find Mother’s Day difficult you know to avoid situations that might be upsetting to you personally.

loveyours · 05/09/2021 12:12

@Formaldeheidi

And again *@loveyours* you personally don’t get to decide what causes more pain to someone over something else. Grief isn’t comparable. All you can do is take responsibility for your own grief and how you choose to handle that.

I don't actually get this. I'm not deciding anything and I didn't compare anything.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2021 12:12

You share it with people who care about you and your baby.

She shared it on her personal newsfeed.

Notaroadrunner · 05/09/2021 12:16

@Waitingforthecowstocomehome

Sadly nothing seems to be private anymore. Seems like such an inappropriate thing to post.
Explain why it is inappropriate to post a photo of your children, who did not get a chance to live, therefore the only photo you can share is when they have died? Should this woman not have told anyone she'd had 2 babies who sadly died? Is that what you mean by being private? People like you are part of the problem that make it even more difficult to talk about our beloved children.
anon12345678901 · 05/09/2021 12:17

@Cornettoninja

I don’t think the OP is completely in the wrong here, after all she is also a woman who has lost her children and is perfectly within her rights to say that unexpectedly coming across photos of someone else’s lost child is upsetting to her. That’s why the concept of a sensitive warning exists because we don’t all have the same resilience or are at the same point in our grieving processes. It’s a compromise that can take into account everyone’s feelings.

The Mother’s Day comparison doesn’t work, there’s plenty of warning that it’s coming up and if you find Mother’s Day difficult you know to avoid situations that might be upsetting to you personally.

But there are many women who maybe triggered by pregnancy announcements, bump pictures or gender reveals. So all of these should have trigger warnings too. They aren't predictable and can happen unexpectedly.
NotMyCat · 05/09/2021 12:22

It's not inappropriate, it's the only image she has or will ever have of her children
Unfollow or hide her feed
If someone posts a photo of their stillborn baby, I will use their name, I will tell the parents how beautiful they are and I will congratulate them - they were born and they deserve to be remembered
Giving birth and it being silent and then nobody mentioning it or asking about your baby or using their name or saying congratulations must be the hardest thing in the world

Cornettoninja · 05/09/2021 12:25

True @anon12345678901 but there’s something very different about knowingly looking at a picture of a dead child and how that provokes memories and emotions of a very specific point in their lives.

It would be a shame if other women using the same group for support felt they couldn’t continue using it because it was causing them more harm than good and there was no way for them to minimise that.

Formaldeheidi · 05/09/2021 12:28

@loveyours

It’s a huge ask actually. You’re showing some real privilege there.

Not being goady, but how? If I was talking about my siblings death (suicide so another one that is likely to upset), I'd put a TW, and that's without a picture

Putting a TW for other women in the same position in you - who have lost - is not my "privilege". I've already said I wouldn't need a TW, I don't have a problem with deceased posed people. The TW is for people like OP have had losses and would be upset by it

It's entitled for someone like me who hasn't lost to demand a TW, but putting one out of consideration for other bereaved mothers is reasonable I think

By using your own logic, your siblings death isn’t the same, just like my parents isn’t. Unless you’ve lost a baby and have had exactly the same grief journey as OP’s friend, then you have no idea. By saying you would post a TW and she should to means you are dictating. You don’t get to dictate. You do you, you leave others to do what they want with their grief.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 05/09/2021 12:28

[quote aSofaNearYou]@AccidentallyOnPurpose It's not really something I or anyone else wants to spell out, as we are naturally trying to be sensitive. But the difference is that they are deceased in the images. For some that have experienced loss, that might be comforting, but for others it may be very traumatic. People experience loss differently. [/quote]
Actually in the majority of pics the babies just look asleep or possibly poorly if there's bruising/tubes and wires. Just like loads of babies in my news feed. The actual difference is the knowledge that the baby is dead, not the image itself.

A lot of people are against poorly baby pics too, or preemies. A lot of people are against posts as well ,not just pictures. Too much detail, triggering, it's a reminder etc. Where do we draw the line?

BanginChoons · 05/09/2021 12:34

@NotMyCat, thank you from the heart. This will mean so much to the recipient.

Fivebyfive2 · 05/09/2021 12:37

Ffs it was her own personal feed, let the woman grieve. Do not message her, do not report her. She's suffered enough. All this week all I've seen on social media are 1st day at school pictures, posts about 'my baby all grown up' - I imagine that pretty 'triggering' to her, should all of those people added trigger warnings too? I understand why it has upset the op, but some replies on this thread are disgusting.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 05/09/2021 12:43

The world of Fahrenheit 451 comes to mind - no competition, no conflict, no anything.

To expect a TW for anything that might be uncomfortable to somebody out there, is not how live works - bad things happen.

It is my job to deal with my losses (2), my emotions, not everybody elses to avoid communicating anything I might feel uncomfortable with, and if it "triggers" me, I should probably talk to a mental health specialist.

MooshWoosh · 05/09/2021 12:53

I can't even imagine being in this poor woman's position. My heart goes out to her.

I understand that she wants to share her memories with others. But will showing those precious photos to someone who doesn't want to see them help her? Would accidentally causing others distress comfort her in any way?

I think a TW or sensitive filter is a good compromise. It means the grieving mother can share her story and photos with people who are comfortable engaging in such a sensitive topic. She can then get support from those people, without distressing those who are maybe dealing with their own grief.

EishetChayil · 05/09/2021 12:56

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

Scrolling Instagram the other day I came across a post by someone who had lost a baby at birth who was explaining why she won’t trigger warning any of her photos of him and it gave me pause for thought. Can’t bloody remember who she was now but if I find it I’ll post the link as it was an interesting perspective.

Was it Orangafmama? She posts and writes quite openly and bravely about her loss.

RedHelenB · 05/09/2021 13:00

Presumably OP, unless you knew they had died the photo looked like any other sleeping photo of newborns? So the photo wasn't triggering, just the fact that they had died.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 05/09/2021 13:02

Can I just check that we are talking 20 weeks into the pregnancy? Not 20 weeks post birth?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 05/09/2021 13:03

Presumably OP, unless you knew they had died the photo looked like any other sleeping photo of newborns? So the photo wasn't triggering, just the fact that they had died

Not necessarily, I've seen a few little souls who definitely didn't look like they were just sleeping and were very upsetting.

Joystir59 · 05/09/2021 13:03

We don't generally take photos of dead family members and share them with people so I think she is being insensitive. I personally hate seeing pictures of dead babies, it's too personal and private imo.

Cornettoninja · 05/09/2021 13:05

The world of Fahrenheit 451 comes to mind - no competition, no conflict, no anything

Do you equate ofcom with the fireman? Social media is still media.

To expect a TW for anything that might be uncomfortable to somebody out there, is not how live works - bad things happen

And as above, these things are regulated already in recognition of the fact that there is a measurable impact on people who would otherwise choose not to view particular images.

Givemethatknife · 05/09/2021 13:06

To me it’s over sharing, but people have different perspectives and it’s her FB. Just mute it, and go do something that will give you a lift - don’t dwell on it and make it worse. And certainly don’t confront her, it’s up to her what she posts.

Anonmummyoftwo · 05/09/2021 13:09

I’m sorry for your loss. I would just mute her profile or unfollow her because of you say anything you will be made out to be the worst in the world.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/09/2021 13:12

I'm saying YANBU because I have a friend who has PTSD from, among other things, pregnancy losses. She would be seriously triggered by such photos and it would send her down into a desperately dark spiral.
Because of this, she frequently takes "holidays" from social media, especially FB, just in case. Even in friend groups, sometimes someone will randomly mention something to do with pregnancy loss and it can set her off.

She's by no means a snowflake, and she manages her own condition to the best of her ability - but in a group, I think it is reasonable that people should consider others' losses and that they might have had a worse journey than oneself.

The woman in your group should, of course, be able to mark her anniversary and post photos if she wants to - but it wouldn't have hurt to have had a trigger warning, or nested the photos in the comments.

One group I'm in has many sexual abuse and/or DV survivors - so anything pertaining to that, the post says "TW for sexual abuse/DV" or whatever and then the actual content is nested in the comments so that people who would be adversely affected can scroll by without being upset.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2021 13:15

@Joystir59

We don't generally take photos of dead family members and share them with people so I think she is being insensitive. I personally hate seeing pictures of dead babies, it's too personal and private imo.
Who are you to decide what is too personal for someone else though?