To feel sad my looks are fading

[Losinglooks21]

Name changed for this, I know Aibu but just feel so sad that in every photo anyone takes of me I look awful. I am now 42, feel like I have progressively aged over the last two years (maybe covid/ lockdown related). Does it ever get better in your mid forties or should I just hide from the camera forever more?

@HardStaringBearFromDarkestPeru

I definitely feel things have worsened & now at 49, my body confidence is zero...

My hair was thinning EVERYWHERE 😜anyway due to untreated menopause ('you're only early 40s - can't be that!).
HRT had slowed that down - my pubic hair has grown back for a start...
However I was ill last year - stomach problems & I lost a lot of weight - and had a cancer scare.
This led to Telogen Effluvium late last year & even more hair has fallen out.
The shed has eased now & little bits are growing back but the dermatologist informed me I've got signs of female pattern baldness so that's something to look forward to!

During my 40s I've also developed varicose veins in both calves which look delightful. Fake tan doesn't hid them - so I've not worn a short skirt or shorts since my 30s.
Friends told me they probably weren't that bad & I was being neurotic until I showed them then they shut up.

Plus untreated menopausal symptoms have atrophied my vagina & done grim things to my labia & clitoris.
HRT has helped as has Vagifem & I dilate every night but penetrative sex in the future is unlikely & will be akin to losing my virginity if it does happen!

So yes, my 40s aren't exactly great with regards to my looks. When I look at my friends who have yet to go through any of this, I'm so jealous. I avoid mirrors & looking at any old photos as I looked

Bizarrely my diet now is the best it's ever been & I am exercising regularly so I'm keeping fit but can't imagine stripping off in front of a lover ever again.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you . The NHS is notoriously bad with menopause . The thing I notice here though is your determination with your exercise etc and that is what I was saying before - attitude has a hell of a lot to do with it . The best of luck to you @HardStaringBearFromDarkestPeru

[quote Hekatestorch]@5128gap you may not have phrased it badly. I may have missed understood.

I do agree with your follow up. That they don't see it automatically equating to beauty.

And I agree, even as a teen myself, I never understood people who were derogatory about older (usually) womens looks. As, even as teens, we are heading there and we all hope to make it there.

But I did have to face the death of several young relatives and a friend, very young. I always found it incredibly sad that they never got a chance to age. They were all frozen in time in their late teens early twenties. Its not something I would ever want for anyone.

As they say, ageing is a privilege that's not afforded to many.[/quote]
I'm very sorry for your losses. It does give perspective. I was only thinking that yesterday after the news of Sarah Harding.
Personally I'm very happy to be the age I am, and wouldn't want to go back to actually being younger. I've done that, and now I'm very happy to be doing this. That's not to say I don't want to look good, which invariably seems to be linked to looking young. But I'm actually rather pleased to have lived for ages, to have been around for the decades that young people think are so cool, and to have seen and done so many things. The majority of people in my life are young, including my DP, and they never make me feel my age is a negative. Quite the reverse in fact, which really helps me stay positive. As does the good fortune of good health, which i know everyone doesn't have.

Too much navel gazing can make you doubt your worth or be über critical of yourself.
I remember a meeting (where my 29 year old daughter was present) and the solicitor asked when my mother was arriving.
Mum was dead by then.
I looked quizzically at him and he said he thought my mother was attending. I said 'I AM the mother' and this is my daughter I was 62.

He thought I was mid 4Os.
We can be too critical of ourselves.
I loved the way I looked in 1998-2000. Many people at my son's 21st thought I was his sister...really. I was 54.

Now, at 76, I have grown into my true age and no longer get disbelieving looks when I produce a senior railcard or bus pass. Yes, it's tough accepting the passage of time but I was never pretty, just moderately attractive I suppose. My good health and positive outlook are pluses and I treasure every day. Just wish I could live another 100 years.

Everybody matures physically, and nobody judges you on that. Now is the time to embrace the next phase of your life with positivity. This acceptance and evolution is a form of redefined emotional maturity that can be hard, but could be argued to be required to avoid worrying about it. Feeling good is more important. Beauty is within and being confident in that thought will make you more appealling too. Be strong, ignore mirrors and amplify your hidden elegance with a glowing smile. People will respond accordingly.

@AWonderfulNewName

I find older women beautiful. You are not invisible. What's wrong with ageing? Whilst we should look after ourselves, we should also embrace the lines and grey hair etc.

Love this, I look at younger photos of me and have no character in face. I just look blank. Aging is something that you deserve as your life shows in your face. If you think of the people you think are beautiful it isn't about how they look. How you feel about them as a person also comes into it. A physically gorgeous person can be very ugly if their personality is. OP you are spot on with actually looking at photos of yourself more to get used to the age you think you look. Embrace the face and don't inject it with rubbish that paralyses your face. Pretty sure they will be horror stories in years to come about people that do that on a regular basis. It must make your facial muscles less efficient over time, surely?

@mamabear715

I would want to ask, OP, are you HAPPY? No, scrap that, overused word which raises expectations too high, are you CONTENT? I suppose I've always been considered attractive, hasn't helped me in life one jot! I've been through divorces, death of a significant other, mental health problems, severe money worries, but.. I got to a certain age & suddenly Got It.. it's not all about ME! I'm on my own now & never been as content.. I laugh all the time, and from hiding away from people, (I still enjoy my own company though) I ASK other people, 'how are you?' and I'm interested.. I thank God for my many blessings and am grateful. I'm not a religious nut, I just sit out with my coffee and say 'thanks, Lord, another beautiful day, I've got my family, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, my health is fair (I'm in my 60's now.) I look after an elderly family member with severe illness, and there are sometimes not enough hours in the day. No problem! I'm being useful. I do have to admit as a PP said, I have let my hair go.. aww sod it, long hair is ME, it makes me feel good! I used to be regarded as tall when I was young, before today's generation of willowy six footers - now I'm short & fat.. so what! Every time you get a sad thought, turn it on it's head - something like 'I might be going grey, but how BLUE it makes my eyes look'! Do you know what I mean? It gets to be a habit, looking on the bright side. Hugs to you..

Perfect post :)

What's even worse than getting older is getting older when you have a younger husband! That brings another level of insecurity and anxiety (not that my husband gives me any reason to feel insecure. He always says I look lovely). Like others posters I was never a real beauty. I mean in certain photos, in a certain light I think I look good and people do tell me I'm attractive but I've seen other friends get about a thousand times more male attention than me. I did sometimes get male attention but I don't miss that at all. I always felt awkward, uncomfortable and threatened by it. Even if I liked the man giving me attention I didn't enjoy it. I could never flirt and would just blush and want the ground to swallow me up. Also I remember as a teenager or in my early 20s if I walked past a gang of people my age I'd always find that a bit threatening. They'd always stare, sizing you up. Trying to work out if you're one of them or someone they should take the piss out of. I love the fact I'm now completely invisible to big gangs of teenagers! I had cancer in my 30s so like others have said, I do feel very thankful to be here even if I'm looking older. I'm just so, so happy to be here for my children. I'm 46 by the way.

@mamabear715
You've got it, Girl!

What's even worse than getting older is getting older when you have a younger husband! That brings another level of insecurity and anxiety (not that my husband gives me any reason to feel insecure. He always says I look lovely).

We've had a slew of recent posts from women getting with much older men - in some cases a quarter of a century older. I'm willing to bet they don't agonise over their looks in the way that women with younger partners do.

@Gwenhwyfar

"I'm convinced everyone one looks like a ghoul on Zoom calls. Or maybe that's just what I tell myself, rather than admitting that that's what I 'really look like'!"

I actually botox myself on Zoom - you can select an option that smoothes your wrinkles. It only works for the forehead though, my 11s are still strong and my dark shadows still very visible.
Teams is a different matter and at the beginning of wfh I didn't realise I had to lift the screen up so I'm not looking down.

Botox, done well, looks fine. That Zoom filter makes people look like they're on the moon.

@IcedPurple

What's even worse than getting older is getting older when you have a younger husband! That brings another level of insecurity and anxiety (not that my husband gives me any reason to feel insecure. He always says I look lovely).

We've had a slew of recent posts from women getting with much older men - in some cases a quarter of a century older. I'm willing to bet they don't agonise over their looks in the way that women with younger partners do.

Mine’s younger. He’s utterly deluded because he thinks I’m beautiful still. I’ve never been beautiful, incidentally.

A big smile (nature's facelift) and a positive outlook is beautiful at any age. Youth is not the only beauty

@IcedPurple

What's even worse than getting older is getting older when you have a younger husband! That brings another level of insecurity and anxiety (not that my husband gives me any reason to feel insecure. He always says I look lovely).

We've had a slew of recent posts from women getting with much older men - in some cases a quarter of a century older. I'm willing to bet they don't agonise over their looks in the way that women with younger partners do.

The way I see it, a much younger man with an older partner has chosen to be with an older woman. He could get a young one if he wanted, but has chosen not to. If recent threads are anything to go by, a lot of older men seem prone to preferring younger women, so I think a same age man might make me feel more insecure, as I'd think he might be tempted if he got a younger offer. Obviously I know lots of women have committed same age/older partners, but if picking someone new, older wouldn't make me feel secure.

"Botox, done well, looks fine. That Zoom filter makes people look like they're on the moon."

In what way? I've never seen a person on the moon not wearing a helmet.

"The thing I notice here though is your determination with your exercise etc and that is what I was saying before - attitude has a hell of a lot to do with it . The best of luck to you"

What I see is someone making a massive effort, but it's not enough.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Botox, done well, looks fine. That Zoom filter makes people look like they're on the moon."

In what way? I've never seen a person on the moon not wearing a helmet.

Exactly. Usually quite fuzzy on the Earth base screen too.

"Exactly. Usually quite fuzzy on the Earth base screen too."

I don't know what you're on about. Are you saying that people look like astronauts?

@Gwenhwyfar

"Exactly. Usually quite fuzzy on the Earth base screen too."

I don't know what you're on about. Are you saying that people look like astronauts?

Sigh. I'm just saying the filter looks shit. Don't worry about it.

From conversations I've had recently, I"m starting to think that 38-42 is a period of steep decline. I've just turned 39 and i have aged so much in the past year, I dread to think what i'll look like by 42 if this downward spiral continues!

@CrankyFrankie I don't think that's necessarily true. I don't remember any decline from 38 to 42. I looked pretty much the same. I do think there's quite a steep decline after menopause though. I remember at my mum's 50th party everyone said she looked 30. By the time she was 55 (post menopause) she looked her age. Obviously if you take HRT you continue to look younger (or if you're blessed with youthful genes). I know many women in their 50s look wonderful! I don't want to offend anyone.

@CrankyFrankie

From conversations I've had recently, I"m starting to think that 38-42 is a period of steep decline. I've just turned 39 and i have aged so much in the past year, I dread to think what i'll look like by 42 if this downward spiral continues!

I still looked OK at 40. I think I declined more from 42. And then maybe there's a pandemic effect though I don't really understand why/how.

42 is also the average age for becoming near sighted and I added that problem to my short sight at exactly 42 so maybe my middle age started at 42 rather than 40.

I think the menopause thing is also true though unfortunately. I doubt the doctor would give me HRT just to look better though...

I've always looked young for my age, or so people like to tell me at least!

Until my mid 40s, I didn't age very much. Around that time I started gaining weight, when previously I had been that annoying person who could eat all sorts of shit and still be a size 8! I'm now 52 and haven't had a period since October, so I'm guessing this is the big M. I've not noticed any particular ageing in the past year, but then, my eyesight has also gone to shit so perhaps I'm seeing my ageing face though soft focus lens!

Does anyone know how long after menopause it is when aging really hits if it hasn't already? And if so, when is the best time to start HRT, before the aging starts or after? I don't have symptoms so it would be for vanity (judge away!) and dont want to either start if unnecessary, or miss the boat.

Well you say it would be for vanity but there's also some evidence HRT has a protective effect against osteoporosis and dementia

@MargotEmin

Well you say it would be for vanity but there's also some evidence HRT has a protective effect against osteoporosis and dementia

I was just about to post this very thing @Gwenhwyfar

HRT is beneficial for women under 50 because it protects their heart too. (And yes, it has the added bonus of helping one's looks).

@5128gap For me, the last lockdown coincided with reaching post-menopause. I was 46. (This means I've not menstruated for + 2 years and I am no longer producing any oestrogen, progesterone or testosterone.) I reached this 'milestone 'sometime between between December 2020-March 2021, and it was during this period I noticed my looks had been affected and I felt I aged enormously. (Prior to this, I wasn't menstruating, but my body was still producing oestrogen and testosterone, so I was just taking progesterone). I look much better now and all the various menopause symptoms have vanished too.

Personally I think HRT needs to be started the minute symptoms are experienced, so this will be during the transition/perimenopause. Also, if you're under 50, HRT will protect your bones, brain and heart.