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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my looks are fading

399 replies

Losinglooks21 · 04/09/2021 23:29

Name changed for this, I know Aibu but just feel so sad that in every photo anyone takes of me I look awful. I am now 42, feel like I have progressively aged over the last two years (maybe covid/ lockdown related). Does it ever get better in your mid forties or should I just hide from the camera forever more?

OP posts:
ttcissoboring · 05/09/2021 16:10

@Honeymare I see what you mean and I was one of the posters that said that. I suppose being married it doesn't bother me but if I were single sure I'd think differently.

I also do think there is something creepy about stares from lots of men, I suppose because I have a low opinion of the intentions behind men that do that.

Attention doesn't have to come in the male gaze - if a guy respectfully approached me for a chat (because he was attracted to me) then I'd find that flattering, but sadly most men don't do that!

AWonderfulNewName · 05/09/2021 16:13

@nordica

I find most women look better as they age. Somehow faces become more defined and interesting after they lose the smoothness of youth. This is certainly the case with most famous women I've seen over the decades.

And there's lots you can do to bring out the best in your looks, whatever that means for you. A new hairstyle, wearing different colours, new make up, skincare, exercise, diet, new glasses if you wear them and so on.

Yes yes yes to this! When we are young we are pretty because we are young. When we age - our beauty is earned - by our lifestyle but also by our personalities. The grey hair and the laughter lines and all the wear and tear - it's all telling a story about who we are as people. I know men prefer younger women and I know it's hard to accept that. I guess what helped me was the fact that I came out late in life and am no longer after men's attention. What I do see though is lots of very beautiful women in their 40s and 50s who are also wiser and more interesting to be with than any 20 years old could ever be.
IcedPurple · 05/09/2021 16:16

I know men prefer younger women and I know it's hard to accept that.

I don't find that hard to accept at all.

I'm middle aged and when it comes to pure physical attraction, I much prefer younger men too. Not that I'd expect the attraction to be reciprocated. I think this is the main difference between men and women: so many men think hot young women will fancy them, no matter how overweight and balding they may be. Women tend to be rather more realistic.

Ibizafun · 05/09/2021 16:17

I think we just have to accept that we all feel differently. In my 50’s I want to look as good as I can but I’m not bothered about being sexually attractive because my libido has long disappeared. Make an effort for my dh but yes it’s an effor!

LukeEvansWife · 05/09/2021 16:18

I imagine the same as me because there are so many on here in their 40s who talk as if they are finished, invisible and are going to do what ? Live like this for another 40 years ?

But some of us were never attractive and have loved ‘like this’ all their lives - how do you think we manage?

LukeEvansWife · 05/09/2021 16:18

LIVED not loved Hmm

LukeEvansWife · 05/09/2021 16:21

What I mean is that being physically attractive is not the be all and end all for finding a partner

IcedPurple · 05/09/2021 16:22

@LukeEvansWife

What I mean is that being physically attractive is not the be all and end all for finding a partner
Yes. If it was, then most of us would be perennially single. And it's not as though most men are raving hunks or anything.

Even physically unattractive people manage to find partners, usually with people at a roughly similar level of attractiveness to themselves.

LukeEvansWife · 05/09/2021 16:25

And plenty of physically unattractive people have babies so presumably they have found someone at some point in the not too distant past

LukeEvansWife · 05/09/2021 16:27

Which isn’t a dig at mothers or anything, just that not being beautiful doesn’t stop people living their lives and having relationships and families

Honeymare · 05/09/2021 16:29

@IcedPurple

I know men prefer younger women and I know it's hard to accept that.

I don't find that hard to accept at all.

I'm middle aged and when it comes to pure physical attraction, I much prefer younger men too. Not that I'd expect the attraction to be reciprocated. I think this is the main difference between men and women: so many men think hot young women will fancy them, no matter how overweight and balding they may be. Women tend to be rather more realistic.

Oh this made me laugh. Spot on.
zingally · 05/09/2021 17:15

I've never been much of a looker, so am used to feeling fairly invisible, especially around men.

Personally though, I feel like I'm better looking at nearly 37 than I was at 30. And the only reason I can see is that I quite an incredibly stressful job 3 years ago. My skin improved overnight it felt like, and now, when I smile in photos, the smile actually reaches my eyes.

Feltedsheep · 05/09/2021 17:19

I’m 38 and hideous but I started out bad 😂😂
I only had youth on my side. Hit 30 and gradually got worse.
I try not to look at myself and refuse all photos. Then I can pretend that I look differently to how I do.

Benjispruce5 · 05/09/2021 17:36

@Feltedsheep please do t say that about yourself. Beauty comes from within.

whatisforteamum · 05/09/2021 17:37

I'm almost 55 and found this feeling is linked to depression and sometimes exhaustion.Most of the time I am too busy to notice the new lines.

I've gone low sugar and minimal booze in lockdown
Exercised loads and lost a few pounds.i weigh what I did at 20 under 9 stone.
I dress in bright colours dark decent jeans and I ignore the wrinkles and focus on walking tall.
Get well cut clothes in nice colours.
I do have a skincare routine as ds works on the beauty counter in Boots and buys loads of new products.
I refuse to cut my hair which has been on the dryer side all my life.
I always wanted pink hair and thought I was too old.
Dip dyed it for a laugh in lockdown and never received so many compliments. It is shiny too as it is semi permanent.
I think attitude makes us appear younger.
A 28 yr old to my colleague I was a yummy mummy which made me smile.
You will look back and see how good you look now.

XingMing · 05/09/2021 17:39

I'm not in the market for a new romance, but at 65 I do secretly relish the signalling smiles of men above 50, even if there is no word of chat up exchanged. The slightly flirty greetings between two people aged between 50 and 70 are no less life affirming that those between 15 and 17. A few years ago, aged 50+, I was accosted in France, very very politely, at 9.30 am by a completely sober and beautifully dressed man who insisted that his life would be much improved if I would have lunch with him. I politely suggested that my husband would have to come too, and we both laughed and walked on. It was being hit on, but not offensively. And a little bit of a boost to the ego.

Feltedsheep · 05/09/2021 17:44

No honestly - if ever my camera opens the wrong way it’s horrendous 😂😂😂
I’m ugly unfortunately, but I have made peace with that. I can’t do much to change it. I can make my hair nicer and my clothes nicer but it’s basically a waste of money. Rolling crap in glitter? Sometimes I feel like that phrase was made for me 😂😂

Chocaholic9 · 05/09/2021 17:56

I wanted to point out that what you eat also shines out of your skin - literally. Researchers have found that eating lots of veg that contains beta carotene and antioxidants gives people a sun kissed look, a sort of healthy glow: www.healthcentral.com/slideshow/5-facts-about-veggies-and-skin-tone

It's not all about botox and exercising tons. You can wear yourself out and make yourself look older through over-exercising.

Eating 5-10 portions of veg per day can help you to look healthier. Not sure if it will make you look younger.

Chocaholic9 · 05/09/2021 17:59

Fish oils (omega 3's) also reduces damage to skin that leads to wrinkles.

I challenge the posters on here who are depressed about their looks to start eating 5-10 portions of veg per day and salmon 3 times per week for a few months then report back. And cut out all the crap like sugar, processed foods, caffeine and alcohol.

5128gap · 05/09/2021 18:05

@Chocaholic9

I wanted to point out that what you eat also shines out of your skin - literally. Researchers have found that eating lots of veg that contains beta carotene and antioxidants gives people a sun kissed look, a sort of healthy glow: www.healthcentral.com/slideshow/5-facts-about-veggies-and-skin-tone

It's not all about botox and exercising tons. You can wear yourself out and make yourself look older through over-exercising.

Eating 5-10 portions of veg per day can help you to look healthier. Not sure if it will make you look younger.

This is so true. I eat 7-10 fruit and veg a day, and the difference has been astounding. I also cut out meat, fish and most dairy, and cut right down on refined carbs. I lost two stone in the process, and have never felt better. I look loads younger, partly from being very slim now admittedly, but also definitely from 'the glow'.
Guacamole001 · 05/09/2021 18:18

I would just like to mention I do not have fillers done to 'please or attract men'. I just like to look good for me. Why would it be about chasing a man!

Why women assume that I get them done because I am single is just ludicrous.

malificent7 · 05/09/2021 18:20

I read the beauty myth by Naomi Woolf and I wasnt entirely convinced...beauty isn't really a myth....some people ARE beautiful but beauty standards are getting more unrealistic. So the more emancipated women became outside the home, the more unrealistic the standards got.
Also beauty always changes. In the 90s it was all about the plucked eyebrows...now ot's all about the thick brows hence mine look dated. Its all a bit mad really.

XingMing · 05/09/2021 18:47

I'm not sure the diktats as set out by authors have much relevance to real life. It's true that beauty isn't a myth; scientists have demonstrated in large scale studies that symnetry remains enduringly univerally appealing outside of fashions. Camera artistry and Photoshopping is a factor introduced over the last 10-15 years. Health and vigour is appealing to all people, at any age. And a great smile signals a lot of charm initially.

I am still beautiful, in my head if not your eye, at 65, so I sort of expect everyone to be pleasant, and they generally are. I do know that I am no longer hot or even cute, but I am 65... that ship sailed decades ago.

Benjispruce5 · 05/09/2021 20:32

@Feltedsheep I think everyone gets the horrors when their camera opens the wrong way.

LukeEvansWife · 05/09/2021 21:54

I am still beautiful, in my head if not your eye, at 65, so I sort of expect everyone to be pleasant, and they generally are.

Do you mean pleasant in general or about your looks?