To feel sad my looks are fading

[Losinglooks21]

Name changed for this, I know Aibu but just feel so sad that in every photo anyone takes of me I look awful. I am now 42, feel like I have progressively aged over the last two years (maybe covid/ lockdown related). Does it ever get better in your mid forties or should I just hide from the camera forever more?

I'm 46 and think I look better than I did in my 20s. I'm more comfortable in my own skin, have a better sense of style, can finally manage my weight, have more confidence, drink less than I used to. I really think eating lots of fruit and veg gives you glowing skin. I also drizzle olive oil on my food which I think helps the skin and hair. I'm not saying I look like a 20 year old but I just look and feel healthy. You can't turn back the clock but there's a lot you can do to look and feel better.

This has happened to me too OP, accelerated by lockdown!
I know what I need to do as a minumum: exercise more (walk, weights, stretch); drink more water; eat healthier; improve my posture; get adequate sleep.
When you look at your photos, can you pinpoint what you dislike? you mentioned chins - I have some contraption that I bought off Amazon for toning the neck, it has helped in the past, I need to use it again! Bags under eyes - maybe you need more sleep. Wrinkles - maybe a better moisuriser. Hunchback - improve posture. Etc. Identify the problems, then work to solve them. Good luck OP!

@blueshoes

I am early 50s. I don't think it gets better because menopause hits and then overnight it is over.

There are lots of things you can do to your diet, figure, hair, clothes to improve. But you have to accept you cannot compete with a 20-30 something hottie anymore.

There is something liberating about not having the male gaze.

I do know what you mean about photos. I don't like to have photos taken of me (selfies are horrendous) and don't look at my reflection when outside the house. I don't like to be reminded

I agree with this. I am older (early 60s) and, when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, each time it’s a reminder that you’re not what you once were. However, I deal with it by thinking how lucky I am to still be here, when others haven’t been as fortunate. Also embrace how you look now because, in five or ten years time, you’ll be looking back at photos from today wishing you looked like that. One of the things I find hard is that people start to talk over you and you do feel a bit invisible. I’m still here though!

I'm 39 and in the last 2 years covid plus having a second child have definitely aged me. I think I'm quite content about it though. I've never been particularly good looking (fine though, just normal looking) so I've never really thought of looks being my currency if that makes sense - so maybe that's why I'm less fussed about them changing?

I am in th happy position of never having had looks....nothing to lose :)

Welcome to the club! I'm late 40's and literally hit the skids in the last couple of years. Early menopause hasn't helped (or 3 kids) or the levels of stress in my life ... but hey ho!

There's a lot to be said for a good diet, more water, more sleep, great skin care, great vitamins, a good walk a day (get a dog), and the love of a good man (if you can find one or borrow one).

I also find a bit of the 40-something live-a-little care-a-little-less-what-others-think attitude also helps!

Wear what makes you feel good, get a new hair cut, slap on some lippy ... be careful of the botox ... I had a friend who had a REALLY bad experience (let's just say I won't EVER be going down that route).

Good luck

I was not pretty at all when I was young, spots,, overweight etc and had a gorgeous best friend so was always ‘the ugly one’. As I got older I lost weight, the spots went and thanks to that oily skin I used to hate, I have no wrinkles. I look young for my age but most of all I look and feel great. I sometimes feel sad I wasn’t a pretty girl or young woman but I’ve made up for it by being stylish, elegant and powerful now.

That might be difficult come October.

Well if you made it to 40 you’ve done pretty well, if you relied on looks till now you will find there valueless for all but the young and as you get older life depends on more

@Gwenhwyfar

"I think the point being made is that there's almost a hierarchy of looks that goes: attractive young women, attractive older women/less attractive young women (with debate as to which is highest of those two) and unattractive older women. When an unattractive woman gets older she falls a place down the hierarchy and thats reflected in withdrawal of attention even from men who would previously have offered it based on her youth. I think this is what's being said?"

Yes, definitely, which is why in SOME ways (but not in others) ageing is even worse for less attractive women.
If you want to be a bit blunt about it. let's imagine someone is a 1/10 in terms of looks, that same person might be 5/10 at 25 in the eyes of a forty year old man. When that woman is herself 40 she is then a 0/10 or a 1/10. Obviously, not everything in life is about looks, but that's what this thread is about.

Maybe, but I'm not entirely convinced as I think age can be a leveller too, as the bar changes. It's only older people who think youth equals attractive. Young people don't think that, because that's their norm, so to be an attractive young person (to your peers) you need to either be properly good looking, or put a lot of effort into elevating your looks. Past a certain age I think it's way easier to be considered attractive. If you have a decent figure, make some effort with clothes hair and make up, you probably will be thought of as good looking even if you're not naturally very pretty.

"Past a certain age I think it's way easier to be considered attractive. If you have a decent figure, make some effort with clothes hair and make up, you probably will be thought of as good looking even if you're not naturally very pretty."

Not sure I'd agree with that. You can try all you like with hair and makeup, but it can only slightly compensate for wrinkles and sagging and all the other unavoidable signs of ageing.

Also, while in theory we have more control over our figures than our faces, it's not that simple as the large numbers of overweight middle aged people (the majority of the middle aged) show us.

"Well if you made it to 40 you’ve done pretty well"

What? In a rich country in 2021, you think someone's done well to get to 40??

Please stop being hard on yourselves. Age is something that should be embraced, as long as you’re in good health. Better wisdom and confidence. Don’t define yourself just by looks. Your brain, wit, character etc are the undefinable you. Of course, look after your outer appearance. But that is just one part of you. And as George Burns said, getting older beats the alternative!

I'm 45 and decided to try to find my own style that suits me better. I did a few online quizzes and went for a few new outfits and back at work e eryone has commented on how good I look.
My wrinkles and Grey's keep coming but I am embracing them and changing my style with my age rather than trying to hold back time.

It's only older people who think youth equals attractive. Young people don't think that, because that's their norm, so to be an attractive young person (to your peers) you need to either be properly good looking, or put a lot of effort into elevating your looks.

I don't think that's true. I have a 17 year old. I was a 17 year old. I think younger adults, are fully aware they are considered more attractive just for being young.

A few women I know who have dated younger men have had terrible things said to them by younger women, who are incredulous the man they fancy have picked older woman. And comments from their boyfriemds male friends who assume they friend must only be dating them because they are 'good in sack'.

Yes some young people are attracted to older people, but it's usually due to other things other than looks alone. Things that make them attractive buy not just because they are 'hot'.

Obviously not all young people. But I don't think youth, is only attractive to older people. Also, people are having anti ageing treatments younger and younger to try and preempt aging.

I work with quite a few women late 20s and early 30s. More of them are having botox than the older women. Because they are concerned they won't be attractive when they get older.

Look at celebrities. Jlo doesn't look in her 50s. It doesn't pass young people by taht she is attractive because she doesn't look 50.

You've fallen into the habit of so many, especially in my country, of youth worship. And it is absurd. As my wonderful, beautiful Gran once told me, "Darling, the setting of the sun is no less lovely than the dawn." Glory in the changes. No, you are no longer a dewy woman-child. But you are a woman of age, wisdom, and growing power. There is a new beauty to that which you will learn to appreciate.

I feel the same way, OP. But only some of the time. A close friend of mine survived breast cancer in her 30’s and, at her recent 50th birthday celebration, she reflected on what a privilege it is to grow older and considers every new wrinkle a gift in her circs. I’m 49 and, while I feel periodically mournful over my fading beauty, overall I’m grateful that my face is melting in a manner so gradual it gives me time to get used to it and feel gratitude for that time. Still, IMO it’s not unreasonable to feel a level of sadness over losing our looks. I believe it’s normal. Listening to my friend, however, gave me perspective so that sadness doesn’t last and now I just try to have a laugh about these changes.

@Mamanyt

You've fallen into the habit of so many, especially in my country, of youth worship. And it is absurd. As my wonderful, beautiful Gran once told me, "Darling, the setting of the sun is no less lovely than the dawn." Glory in the changes. No, you are no longer a dewy woman-child. But you are a woman of age, wisdom, and growing power. There is a new beauty to that which you will learn to appreciate.

And that is just gorgeous

There really is so much negativity spilling in this thread - if your faces reflect your minds then I'm not surprised you are unhappy with what you see .

@Hekatestorch

It's only older people who think youth equals attractive. Young people don't think that, because that's their norm, so to be an attractive young person (to your peers) you need to either be properly good looking, or put a lot of effort into elevating your looks.

I don't think that's true. I have a 17 year old. I was a 17 year old. I think younger adults, are fully aware they are considered more attractive just for being young.

A few women I know who have dated younger men have had terrible things said to them by younger women, who are incredulous the man they fancy have picked older woman. And comments from their boyfriemds male friends who assume they friend must only be dating them because they are 'good in sack'.

Yes some young people are attracted to older people, but it's usually due to other things other than looks alone. Things that make them attractive buy not just because they are 'hot'.

Obviously not all young people. But I don't think youth, is only attractive to older people. Also, people are having anti ageing treatments younger and younger to try and preempt aging.

I work with quite a few women late 20s and early 30s. More of them are having botox than the older women. Because they are concerned they won't be attractive when they get older.

Look at celebrities. Jlo doesn't look in her 50s. It doesn't pass young people by taht she is attractive because she doesn't look 50.

I think I phrased that badly. I didn't mean that young women don't think their youth makes them more attractive than older women. I'm sure some do think this and I'm sure some are right. I meant that it's only older people that tend to think youth automatically equals attractive. Young people with young peers see youth as the norm and nothing special. In most case they wouldn't bother comparing themselves to older women, who are largely irrelevant to them, especially when they're as young as 17. The reactions your friend has had are sad on many levels. For her, that it's so unimaginable that she might be 'hot' that people actually look for ulterior reasons the men she date might be interested. For the young women who you said fancy the men and allow jealousy over males (of whom there are more than enough to go around) to make them spiteful to other women. For those same young women who already see age as automatically less attractive, and will inevitably go through the process themselves.

I long for a society where older women snd men are revered or at least valued however it's easier to sell to the young...im an old cynic me!

I definitely feel things have worsened & now at 49, my body confidence is zero...

My hair was thinning EVERYWHERE 😜anyway due to untreated menopause ('you're only early 40s - can't be that!).
HRT had slowed that down - my pubic hair has grown back for a start...
However I was ill last year - stomach problems & I lost a lot of weight - and had a cancer scare.
This led to Telogen Effluvium late last year & even more hair has fallen out.
The shed has eased now & little bits are growing back but the dermatologist informed me I've got signs of female pattern baldness so that's something to look forward to!

During my 40s I've also developed varicose veins in both calves which look delightful. Fake tan doesn't hid them - so I've not worn a short skirt or shorts since my 30s.
Friends told me they probably weren't that bad & I was being neurotic until I showed them then they shut up.

Plus untreated menopausal symptoms have atrophied my vagina & done grim things to my labia & clitoris.
HRT has helped as has Vagifem & I dilate every night but penetrative sex in the future is unlikely & will be akin to losing my virginity if it does happen!

So yes, my 40s aren't exactly great with regards to my looks. When I look at my friends who have yet to go through any of this, I'm so jealous. I avoid mirrors & looking at any old photos as I looked

Bizarrely my diet now is the best it's ever been & I am exercising regularly so I'm keeping fit but can't imagine stripping off in front of a lover ever again.

I think that's true sadly. A 17 yr old who is very attractive partly because of her youth will look like an ordinary girl to other 17 year olds. They are just blind to anybody over 30.

@5128gap you may not have phrased it badly. I may have missed understood.

I do agree with your follow up. That they don't see it automatically equating to beauty.

And I agree, even as a teen myself, I never understood people who were derogatory about older (usually) womens looks. As, even as teens, we are heading there and we all hope to make it there.

But I did have to face the death of several young relatives and a friend, very young. I always found it incredibly sad that they never got a chance to age. They were all frozen in time in their late teens early twenties. Its not something I would ever want for anyone.

As they say, ageing is a privilege that's not afforded to many.

Absolutely agree.

Had a client yesterday in shape confident tanned no “old lady” clothes early 70s but so with it and up together.