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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't do this anymore I don't understand why people hate me so much

156 replies

Quick99 · 04/09/2021 20:09

I had to move house because last neighbours hated me, been bullied out of 2 jobs by being ignored by everyone, school mums night out last night I wasn't invited. Today neighbours having a bbq most of the street invited except for us.
Im kind, go out of my way to help people I've often took this neighbours kids to school, am chatty and friendly.
My best friend said to not worry but I'm the common factor in all these situations I must be doing something to annoy all the collective groups of people. I feel sick and can't. Stop crying.
Just don't know why people don't like me it's breaking my heart

OP posts:
lightand · 04/09/2021 20:15

I think you need to ask some people for honest feedback.
Why do you think your last neighbour hated you?

Poppyhopscotch · 04/09/2021 20:20

Awww this is horrible to read, I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe the neighbours have known each other longer x

Noshowwithoutpunch · 04/09/2021 20:21

Do you maybe rush into a relationship with these people then become overfamiliar?
I mention this due to the taking neighbours child to school.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 04/09/2021 20:22

Just a guess as only those closest to you will be able to help answer your question.

WanderingFruitWonderer · 04/09/2021 20:22

Flowers you sound lovely. The situations you describe sound very upsetting and hurtful. It could honestly be a coincidence that in each case, those people have other things going on, and it's not personal to you.
You mention that you have a best friend, so that's wonderful, and a sign you're very able to make friends, and maintain relationships.
I fully sympathise though, as feeling excluded is very difficult.
Is there a way you could connect with people with similar interests? Though I know it's harder in the Covid era. But meeting like-minded people can be wonderful. I'm sure you've got loads to offer...

Mynamegone · 04/09/2021 20:23

That is so sad to read. If people aren’t nice I wouldn’t want to be friends with them anyway, can you try not to mind and stick to someone like your best friend who sounds much nicer. Life is too short to mind although I find it hard not to too and I think feeling left out of groups is very common.

PyjamaFan · 04/09/2021 20:24

Do you possibly become too clingy to people too quickly? That can make people back off.

Just a thought, I don't mean to be unkind but I've known people like this and I avoid them!

LargeBouquet · 04/09/2021 20:24

@lightand

I think you need to ask some people for honest feedback. Why do you think your last neighbour hated you?
I think that’s fair. But OP, try to calm down, it may be something easily fixable in the way you relate to other people.
Blue4YOU · 04/09/2021 20:26

Can you think of one person (any one) who is involved in these scenarios who either suddenly changed behaviour, said something to put you down.. you see what I mean- anything to get a “read” off.
Neighbours can be weird.
Work colleagues can be weird.
Because you don’t say much or seem not to have an idea what it is.. here are more questions..
Are you a “people pleaser”? (Put yourself out to be in favour/don’t say what you want/need?
Gossip a lot? (I don’t get that impression of you)
Are you very shy?
Are you the other way… loud/brash etc when drunk?
I’m sort of trying thoughts out.
But my instinct is when people say they are nice, they usually mean people pleaser and done people find that insincere.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 04/09/2021 20:26

You’ve got a best mate - put all your energy into the relationships you do have! They (besties) are meant to be - the others would only be acquaintances anyway so who gives a fuck?

Original poster
Quick99 · 04/09/2021 20:27

Thank you I don't think I'm overly clingy or familiar this neighbour I knew from a few years ago and she struggles with her health hence me helping with some school runs but it's something to bear In mind.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 04/09/2021 20:28

You have at least one friend so its not that people hate you. Some people may not want to be close to you, it doesnt necessarily mean they hate you. I know lots of people and I dont think I hate any of them but I wouldn't invite them all to my get togethers. There is a middle ground between friends and hating.

Idbemonica1 · 04/09/2021 20:28

You sound lovely, are you happy with the way you behave? Do you believe you have good morals? Values?
There are lots of self centered, selfish people about, i certainly wouldn't be asking them for a critique or feedback....
Try not to take it to heart xx

Original poster
Quick99 · 04/09/2021 20:29

The previous neighbours both had teenage boys who used to smoke and chuck rubbish fag butt's into my garden so why I spoke to the mums I was removed from the street WhatsApp group and slagged something chronic. My mums friend lived up the road so she told me some of the things 5heyd said about me which weren't really true.

OP posts:
TorySteller · 04/09/2021 20:30

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

You’ve got a best mate - put all your energy into the relationships you do have! They (besties) are meant to be - the others would only be acquaintances anyway so who gives a fuck?
Completely agree with this, it sounds like you do have some special and meaningful relationships in your life. Concentrate on those rather than these other people, who don’t sound very nice. Flowers
OneAugustNight · 04/09/2021 20:31

Sometimes people take advantage of very kind people. They take them for granted as they are always willing to help and they don’t need to make an effort to be their friend. Could it be something like that?

Original poster
Quick99 · 04/09/2021 20:32

That's a good point hello.
That's probably a better way of framing it. I have a lovely friends and several other very close friends that I've known for years they all seem to like me (I hope anyway!)
But it seems to be when I'm dropped into established groups I'm widely disliked with surprising speed too.

OP posts:
Janaih · 04/09/2021 20:32

What do you look like? I know it shouldn't matter but if you're less than average looking or very overweight then people do tend to ignore you.
I know this from my own experience.

Original poster
Quick99 · 04/09/2021 20:34

That's interesting. I used to be quite nice looking and slim. I started comfort eating due to the situation with last neighbour and a trauma causing ptsd and have put on over 5 stone in 3 years so Im very overweight obese now.

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 04/09/2021 20:36

Tbh it’s unlikely that everyone hates you.

It’s more likely that for some you’re an acquaintance, they don’t dislike you but they don’t see you as a friend either, iyswim. That’s not a negative, I have a lot of acquaintances I wouldn’t invite round to my house.

And in some instances there will be people who don’t like you, not because of anything you’ve done but because no-one is loved by everyone, we all have people who don’t like us and who we don’t like.

You need to focus on the friendships you do have, and clearly you do have friends, so focus on those.

And try not to dwell on the belief that people hate you. People do pick up on that kind of thought process, and even that can be off-putting.

FWIW, I find it hard to make friends. But the friends I do have are who are important to me. The rest, well, it just wasn’t meant to be. And in truth there are people I don’t like, just as there are people who don’t like me. This is life.

Janaih · 04/09/2021 20:41

Similar story here. I had a baby 4 years ago and put on 4 stone. Went to playgroups every day to try and make mum friends with no luck. A few polite hellos here and there.
I managed to lose 3.5 stone during lockdown last year. I've already made some friends in the playground at school. Half of me wants to cry with joy and the other half wants to tell them to fuck off Grin

DoYouLikeOwls · 04/09/2021 21:02

@Janaih

What do you look like? I know it shouldn't matter but if you're less than average looking or very overweight then people do tend to ignore you. I know this from my own experience.
I think if you are either too posh or a bit scruffy then people tend to shy away. Which is awful but it does happen.
Seyeryduj · 04/09/2021 21:19

This is so, so horrible (and I’m only going to say it in the hope that it will help you in some way) but I myself tend to assume that I won’t have much in common with very overweight people. I would never be actively horrible or bully anyone (and you were completely in the right to say something to the mums whose kids were littering your garden) but I would probably, if I’m being totally honest, have a tendency to assume that I won’t become very good friends with an obese person and thus maybe not invest that much in a potential friendship? I did have a very overweight friend previously but found it difficult as she wasn’t able to join in with the usual things I was doing with my kids like long walks, soft play, picnics on the ground etc and also found it awkward as she was always trying to give my kids chocolate which they wouldn’t normally have and I just didn’t want to be rude. I also have a very overweight MIL and we really struggle when she comes to visit to think of things to do with her, places to go, everything has to be planned around the fact she won’t be able to walk very far or stand for very long or be allowed into certain activities. I’m not saying it is that or that it is right for people to feel that way but just as a possibility as it sounds as though it’s not your personality!

DIYandEatCake · 04/09/2021 21:20

People dislike me too - or, they just avoid me. It makes me really sad as I’d love to have friends and am really genuinely interested in people - but I’m autistic and come across a bit odd, a bit ‘people pleaser’, a bit ‘trying too hard’. Or just give off this air of something that makes people stay away, I don’t know. I’d invest your time and energy in the people who want to spend time with you and do see your value - they’re the important ones. If you have a best friend, make sure she knows how much you appreciate her. The rest of them aren’t worth worrying about.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 04/09/2021 21:22

I agree with the pp that said could you find someone to be honest with you about what might be the problem. I have a friend. She is very sweet, very caring, but also way "over the top". Overly friendly with new people, expects the same and gets upset when people dont give her all their attention. I'm not saying this is you, what I'm trying to say is that SHE can not see how annoying she becomes to people. Then she wonders why new friends distance themselves from her. Some of us have tried to explain to her kindly what the issue is, but she does not (or doesnt want to) "get it". What ever is going on with you, hopefully you can find some people to explain to you what the issue might be, and believe them when they do. I dont mean this to sound harsh if it does, I just know when I read the post it sounded just like the things my friend says, but then she never listens/takes advice when we try to help her understand.